Parent wants to move in w me - seeking advice for setting clear boundaries

[LukeSkywalker]

I'm having a rough day. I just had a long, difficult phone call with my BPD mom that covered a lot of the familiar hot button topics of how me and my father are the cause of all of her bad fortune. I'm terrified that she will somehow read this and rage at me, but I have to hope that she doesn't know about this group. On to my question... .

My BPD mother just impulsively sold her home. She does not have a clear plan for what to do next, but she has indicated what she wants the most is to move across the country to live in my town. I have told her several times that this will not work for me or my family. I was afraid to buy my house because it has a spare bedroom. I know that it will not work for me or my relationship with my husband to have my mother live in our house, or even in our town (probably in our state). Do you have any advice for how to get the message across in a way that it will be received? I also welcome words of encouragement.  Thank you for this community. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome LukeSkywalker,

I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. It’s very stressful when BPD parents make unpredictable and irresponsible choices then imply we are responsible for rescuing them. Several of our members have gone through similar experiences.

Your subject line mentions your parents want to move in with you. Where is your father on all this?

Have you discussed the situation with your husband yet?

We’re here to listen and support you through this. You can do this.

L2T

[LukeSkywalker]

Hi L2T, I think that was a typo in my subject line. My parents are divorced and have a pretty toxic relationship. My father isn't very involved with my life now that he is remarried and has a new family/adult children/etc. I don't think he would be supportive of having my mom move out here. I'm afraid of discussing my mom's plans with him (even if they aren't solid) because she has forbidden me from talking about her life with my dad.

I haven't had the chance to talk this through with my husband yet since it just happened and he's at work. But in the past he has been supportive of my needs around my family. He hasn't seen the really bad behavior from my mom that I've lived with, but he's seen the effect it's had on me.

Thank you for listening.


 

[Harri]

Hi LukeSkywalker and welcome back.

What happens when you say no to her?  You can't keep her from moving to your state but you can keep her from moving into your house by saying no, that will not work for me and my family.  period.  You owe no other explanation.  You can be supportive but you do not have to take her in.

What do you think?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi L2T, I think that was a typo in my subject line.

Oh, I see. It’s also possible my eyes were playing tricks on me. The line now says “Parent” (singular).

My parents are divorced and have a pretty toxic relationship. My father isn't very involved with my life now that he is remarried and has a new family/adult children/etc. I don't think he would be supportive of having my mom move out here. I'm afraid of discussing my mom's plans with him (even if they aren't solid) because she has forbidden me from talking about her life with my dad.

Well, since they are divorced, I don’t see any specific need to involve him at this point.  Although, since you are an adult, I don’t think it’s appropriate for your mother to forbid you from speaking to anyone... .about YOUR life... .and the affect her actions may have had on you.

I haven't had the chance to talk this through with my husband yet since it just happened and he's at work. But in the past he has been supportive of my needs around my family. He hasn't seen the really bad behavior from my mom that I've lived with, but he's seen the effect it's had on me.

I am so glad your husband is supportive. That will be especially important as you process this situation... .and what may follow as it concerns your mother.  

As for your mother, it’s unlikely there’s anything you could say — except granting her wishes — that will result in her “receiving the message.”

Boundaries are generally perceived as abandonment by persons with BPD. But her feelings, reactions and emotions are entirely her responsibility to manage, not yours. She made an adult decision to sell her home. It’s now her responsibility to find herself a new home. It is not your responsibility to provide one for her.

You won’t be able to prevent her from moving to your state or your town, but you do not need to facilitate it either.

What do you think is the likelihood she might move close to you?

L2T

[zachira]

Do you think she would try to move into your home anyway even if you told her she cannot live there?

[Learning2Thrive]

LukeSkywalker, I just wanted to add that the anxiety you feel is normal. Being raised by a BPD mother generally incurs a fair amount of abuse. It’s likely her calls trigger emotional flashbacks for you.

Please be gentle with yourself. We are here for you.

  L2T

[Fie]

Hello LukeSkywalker 


I like you have feared the possibility that my mum would read along on here.
We do use nicknames though, and even if (if) our mothers knew about this site, they would have no clue on who we are amongst all the members. It's just our fear kicking in.

Having been raised by BPD, fear is a big part of our life. I do see this fear also when I read that you do not know how to tell your mum that she cannot live with you.

Of course she cannot live with you. You have your own family now. Harri is right, you do not owe her any explanation for that. Maybe you could tell her something in the line of 'I have my marriage to think about' or 'I have my own family now'.

Preventing her to come live near to you might not be possible, however, if you are very clear about the not moving in with you from the start, she might not be tempted to move near either ?

The wonderful news about learning that we *can* actually have boundaries, is  that we don't owe *anyone* an explanation, for anything. How wonderful is that. We can just say 'because I say so' or 'because I don't want that'.

What I have seen work with PD, is repeating our answer. I have grown up with a mum that always needed an explanation from me, and it needed to be her explanation. So, whatever I answered, it was never good enough, and it has unfortunately taught me to always explain myself, and if I heard an answer was not satisfying, I started to look for another answer, etc. This however doesn't work with BPD, it's never good enough. What does work is repeating the answer. F.e. your mum asks 'Why can't I come live with you?' 
Your answer could be : 'Because I have my marriage to think about.'
Mum : 'you are ungrateful ! After everything I have done for you !'
You  : 'It must feel terrible to think I don't care for you. But I have my marriage to think about.'
Mum : 'You see ! You don't care ! Terrible daughter, ... .etc etc.'
You : 'I have my marriage to think about.'

Thoughts ?

[LukeSkywalker]

    Thank you for your wonderful, helpful responses. It is such a relief to have this community of other folks who truly understand what this is like (although I am very sorry that you have gone through this as well).

Yes, Fie, Harri, L2T, I agree that saying no and repeating a true statement about why it won't work to have her live with me is both direct and can be compassionate. She has not heard no in the past, but that is on her.

Unfortunately I think there is a pretty good chance that she will turn up here pretty soon. In the past she has camped in our driveway or tried to stay with my inlaws during unexpected visits. I will continue to tell her not to rent or buy a house in our town. I could see her showing up on an unexpected visit then doing a big guilt trip about how I am bad for not taking her in or letting her even live in my town. But I know that it would be very bad for me and my family. I purposefully moved across the country because our relationship is toxic for me.
 

[zachira]

You may want to talk to a lawyer about all the possible scenarios that could happen and what  actions you can take. I know in some places if a person is staying in your home, the police will not evict them because you supposedly voluntarily let them in. Thinking of you and hoping things turn out okay. I have a mom with BPD and my life would be living hell if she were in my house.

[Fie]

I will continue to tell her not to rent or buy a house in our town.

Do you think there's a chance this might have an averse effect ? (don't know ?)
Like, the more you put the emphasis on this, the more you might plant the idea in her head that it's actually a possibility for her to do - and from there, to move to your house ?

You can also just tell her 'Do whatever you want, you can move in the same town if that's what you want, but in any case I will not take you in, that's for sure'.  ?

[zachira]

Having grown up with a mother with BPD and NPD, and having two siblings with BPD with narcissistic traits, I can tell you there is no way to match these people when it comes to finding ways to antagonize me with hurtful horrible behaviors that at times seriously disrupt my emotional equilibrium. We just can't out think these people, as we are way too decent to do some of the things to them that they have done to us. You can never be too prepared when dealing with these types of people.

[Harri]

Zachira, what you wrote reminded me of what my T said when dealing with a very disordered roommate.  She said Harri, she will run circles around you. 

So true.  I was way out of my league... .and thankful for it.