Getting to end of rope

[AtEndofRope]

I am starting to get to the end of my rope with a BPD spouse who does not think she is BPD nor has much self-reflection ability. The relationship is over 20 years old. We have a senior in high school and another in middle school. The central issue over the past couple years has been the older child who has self-worth issues, is a bit immature, and bing eats candy frequently.  We have been to multiple therapists (both independently and together) that recommend changes in our (in particular my spouse's) approach to address these issues and my spouse just doesn't agree or tries the idea briefly and abandons it shortly after that. She then returns to punishments, threats and degradation. We are rarely able to have a mature conversation on how to work together to address the issue. I continue to stay in the relationship for the sake of the kids but now wonder if this is truly best as there is constant turmoil.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Welcome, EndofRope.  You will find many here with the same issues. 

I am sorry that your child has to suffer from poor parenting from your uBPD W.

Children of BPD parents often suffer, and there is a whole board dedicated to this.

You older child is perhaps using the candy as a form of self-medication, much like smoking, alcohol or drugs.  It's common knowledge that sugar (as in the candy) can be addicting.  Nonetheless, the child needs help, and your W is not in the position to give it nor be supportive. 

First off, be a support for your child with the eating disorder.  If his/her mother cannot be supportive and only punitive, you must be there for him/her.

Can you describe some of the suggestions of the therapists? 

How did you arrive at knowing your W is BPD?

[Radcliff]

This is a great place to get support and learn coping tools.  AskingWhy has good advice to be supportive to your child, as I'm sure you're doing.  What gender(s) are your children?

Tell us a bit more about the troubling behaviors you are seeing in your wife, and we can guide you to the tools that will help the most.

RC

[livednlearned]

It could be that having a mature conversation isn't possible for now. You may have to manage things counterintuitively, by building emotional resilience in your child regardless of what your wife does.

What happens when your wife degrades your oldest?

How do you get through those moments, and what is the dynamic like between you and your child?

It has to be tough for all of you. Does your wife have an eating disorder of any kind?

LnL