I got derailed this summer — a few questions for you

[Learning2Thrive]

This last year I have made more progress toward healing than ever before in my life. A couple times I think I tried to push a little too hard/fast and that didn’t feel/wasn’t safe to me. I had wonky reactions that nearly derailed me altogether. I had to take a few steps backward, recenter myself and take a less aggressive path before I was able to begin moving forward again.

This morning I was reflecting on that when I came across this and found it super helpful. The link to the full thead and my questions for you are at the bottom, under the quote.

Timing is Everything... .It is very important that YOU set the structure and pace of your recovery. Many survivors anxious to proceed with and "finish" their recovery often find themselves exploring recovery techniques that threaten them or make them feel re- victimized and violated. Often these survivors had some sense that they were not yet ready to explore their abuse issues at that particular level, but failed to trust their intuition cautioning them to move slowly. Although it is difficult to resist a path that promises to lead to healing and recovery, we strongly encourage you to trust your own inner sense about your readiness. If you are not sure yourself whether you are ready to explore your abuse issues using particular techniques or at a different pace, see if you can get some help from a trusted friend or therapist. Ultimately, though, you must be the judge of whether you are ready for a certain recovery experience.  

Find the full thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=185925.0

So my questions for you are:

Have you ever pushed yourself too hard or to fast in hopes of getting over this stuff completely?

If so, was the experience positive or negative?

How did you overcome any obstacles that you faced in that experience?

Would love to know anything you feel comfortable sharing.

  L2T

[HappyChappy]

This last year I have made more progress toward healing than ever before

In answer to your excellent questions L2T Yes I did push too hard, it lead to me taking longer to heal, because I was surrounded by dependant rather than anyone capable of helping. My solution is to sell my business (less stress, and less to lose when I fall ill) and lose the connections I have with people that have no empathy, so I’m not surrounded by dependants (except for my lovely kids of course). Does that answer your questions ?

[Learning2Thrive]

In answer to your excellent questions L2T Yes I did push too hard, it lead to me taking longer to heal, because I was surrounded by dependant rather than anyone capable of helping. My solution is to sell my business (less stress, and less to lose when I fall ill) and lose the connections I have with people that have no empathy, so I’m not surrounded by dependants (except for my lovely kids of course). Does that answer your questions ?

Hello HappyChappy!

I’m so glad you posted. Yes, you answered my questions beautifully. Thank you so much.

I’m hoping more of our members will also post some of their experiences.

I’m on a similar road as you, looking to simplify, lessen stress, focus on healing and being my healthiest, best self for my kids (3 of 4 are adults now, the 4th will turn 18 next month).

Sending you gentle hugs and encouragement to continue your work on healing. You are so worthy of love and compassion.

 

L2T

[Harri]

hi L2T. 

I don't think I have ever pushed myself 'too far', though i do push myself a lot.  I know when I work on stuff I am going to feel worse, be depressed for a bit, get upset, get triggered, shut down, go deep, whatever you want to call it but I am prepared for it and in the end it works out and I am happy with the results.  I do think my mind protects me from what I am not ready for yet.  I can poke and push at something and unless I am ready to truly face it, nothing happens for me. 

As for obstacles, I just accepted that it was something I was not ready for yet and worked on being okay with that.

What sort of reactions did you have?  How were you pushing yourself too hard?  Do you mean you got triggered?

[Learning2Thrive]

... .
What sort of reactions did you have?  How were you pushing yourself too hard?  Do you mean you got triggered?

What I mean is this:

Timing is Everything... .It is very important that YOU set the structure and pace of your recovery. Many survivors anxious to proceed with and "finish" their recovery often find themselves exploring recovery techniques that threaten them or make them feel re- victimized and violated. Often these survivors had some sense that they were not yet ready to explore their abuse issues at that particular level, but failed to trust their intuition cautioning them to move slowly. Although it is difficult to resist a path that promises to lead to healing and recovery, we strongly encourage you to trust your own inner sense about your readiness.

I took on too much. It was an old coping mechanism. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be fierce and fearless, but I have other responsibilities beyond myself (as HappyChappy mentioned). I failed to understand the level of support I needed to continue at that pace.

I’m trying to be kind and patient with myself and accept that realizing this was a big breakthrough in itself. I feel fortunate that I realized before I went way too far.

Stepping back, slowing down, breathing, mindfulness, patience, practicing boundaries, reducing conflict in my own life, increasing self compassion, meditation, study, participation here, etc. are among my current coping tools.

L2T

[Turkish]

I think a lot of us struggle with validating ourselves,  so caught up in years of validating our loved ones and others in our lives,  successfully or not.  I think learning to do that helps immensely in moving forward.  Being unable to do that,  give ourselves grace,  contributes to staying stuck. 

[Learning2Thrive]

I think a lot of us struggle with validating ourselves,  so caught up in years of validating our loved ones and others in our lives,  successfully or not.  I think learning to do that helps immensely in moving forward.  Being unable to do that,  give ourselves grace,  contributes to staying stuck. 

Turkish, thank you for posting your thoughts on this. You have given me a slight shift in perspective. Self validation is quite a concept and critical for self esteem... .until my inner critic starts saying self validation is nice but is not objective enough to truly count. Where is that lightbulb moment emoji? I really appreciate your feedback.

L2T

[Turkish]

I first thought of this on the r/s boards, but I think it applies to PSI as well.  I've also accepted that until I get to a certain stage of self-Validation, I'll not progress romantically, even if I've found a kind of peace on this board given my mother.  I think it ties back to self worth. 

[JNChell]

Hey, L2T. I hope that you’re feeling unwonkey today, big sis. I really like the topic that you’ve opened up here. I think it’s a very important subject to bounce off of our fellow readers. Kudos to you.

This last year I have made more progress toward healing than ever before in my life. A couple times I think I tried to push a little too hard/fast and that didn’t feel/wasn’t safe to me. I had wonky reactions that nearly derailed me altogether. I had to take a few steps backward, recenter myself and take a less aggressive path before I was able to begin moving forward again.

I’m with you on making monumental steps within this last year. This site has probably been the biggest factor in that.

Girl, I’m the poster child for trying to push too hard. I want this crap out of me. If I could remove it with a knife and stitch myself up with a dollar store sewing kit and some iodine, I would. The physical pain wouldn’t hold a candle to the emotional pain that seems to linger.

The quote that you have offered is great and helpful. Thank you.

Have you ever pushed yourself too hard or to fast in hopes of getting over this stuff completely?

Yes. I most definitely have. I’m realizing, with the help of this thread, that I did this to accommodate others and not myself. Here, I recall the relationship that I was in before S3’s mom. My parents had just died, and I was really mixed up. I had gotten myself into therapy and involved my GF. The first time that the social worker asked her how she felt about things she said without pause, “I wish that he would just get over it”. The therapist was dumbfounded and I was further beaten down and left doubting myself. Obviously, the sessions ended. I ran into this therapist at a farmer’s market some time after that session. I was still with my partner. The therapist pulled me aside with concern and asked me if I was ok. I just said yes and rejoined a partner that was capable of punching me in the jaw behind closed doors. Conditioned much?

If so, was the experience positive or negative?

Well, speaking from this experience, it’s a thumbs down experience. Again, I have to look at myself and ask why I tried to stay with her. The first punch should’ve been my exit.

How did you overcome any obstacles that you faced in that experience?

I’m still processing myself. I’m not at 40,000 feet yet. I like this analogy that Skip uses. I’m not in open space about all of this stuff yet. It’s still a deafening white noise at times. I recognize that my shame is full on these days because I’ve allowed myself to continually participate in my own abuse because of who I am. It’s been hard to swim through the swamp.

I’m learning to separate the abuses that I’ve endured from who I really am at my core. At my core, I’m a good hearted person. I’m a baby so to speak. I was born innocent. My core is innocent. I simply need to re-learn my core and trust it. All the crap that I’ve been through is nothing more than indoctrination, which I despise. My values will no longer be dictated by doctrine. My values will be built and reinforced by me alone. My self worth is not measured by anyone but me now.

[Harri]

Hi L2T.   

Yes, I get that is what you meant. 

Turkish, thank you for posting your thoughts on this. You have given me a slight shift in perspective. Self validation is quite a concept and critical for self esteem... .until my inner critic starts saying self validation is nice but is not objective enough to truly count. Where is that lightbulb moment emoji? I really appreciate your feedback.

Self-validation is important.  The way I described the process for me, of knowing what was happening and accepting it as a normal part of healing, was my self-validation.  Turkish, as usual, is King of summing things up in the smallest possible unit!     I was fortunate in that one of my first Ts instilled in me that healing is a learning process and I would need to learn the skills I needed as I went along. 

Sounds to me like you had a tough learning experience L2T.  I am glad you got through it! 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hey, L2T. I hope that you’re feeling unwonkey today, big sis. I really like the topic that you’ve opened up here. I think it’s a very important subject to bounce off of our fellow readers. Kudos to you.

Thanks JNChell. Yes, I do feel better today. 

I guess I figure that if it has happened to me, maybe it’s happened to someone else. Or that if I share a little about my experience, maybe it can help someone else while I help myself recover at the same time.

I’m with you on making monumental steps within this last year. This site has probably been the biggest factor in that.

Yes! Peer/mentor support has been so helpful to me and why I also want to give back and pay it forward.

Girl, I’m the poster child for trying to push too hard. I want this crap out of me. If I could remove it with a knife and stitch myself up with a dollar store sewing kit and some iodine, I would. The physical pain wouldn’t hold a candle to the emotional pain that seems to linger.

All I can say is I know and understand exactly what you’re saying.

It is an honor to stand and bear witness to your raw truth, your struggles and your amazing growth, brother.

The quote that you have offered is great and helpful. Thank you.

You are welcome.   It is a great reminder that we are human. We have feelings, physical needs and lives to attend to as well as others who are counting on us (children, employer, etc.).

... .I’m realizing, with the help of this thread, that I did this to accommodate others and not myself. Here, I recall the relationship that I was in before S3’s mom. My parents had just died, and I was really mixed up. I had gotten myself into therapy and involved my GF. The first time that the social worker asked her how she felt about things she said without pause, “I wish that he would just get over it”. The therapist was dumbfounded and I was further beaten down and left doubting myself. Obviously, the sessions ended. I ran into this therapist at a farmer’s market some time after that session. I was still with my partner. The therapist pulled me aside with concern and asked me if I was ok. I just said yes and rejoined a partner that was capable of punching me in the jaw behind closed doors. Conditioned much?

Yes. I understand. I have been there too.

This is a huge realization. Excellent work. Awareness is the first step toward healing

I’m learning to separate the abuses that I’ve endured from who I really am at my core. At my core, I’m a good hearted person. I’m a baby so to speak. I was born innocent. My core is innocent. I simply need to re-learn my core and trust it. All the crap that I’ve been through is nothing more than indoctrination, which I despise. My values will no longer be dictated by doctrine. My values will be built and reinforced by me alone. My self worth is not measured by anyone but me now.

This. All of this. Yes, you are a good person. You get to determine your values. You are worthy of this work. You are lovable and inherently worthy of love.  

Take your time, JNChell. Go at your pace. You’ve got a bright light to shine. It’s in you.  

Love, good thoughts and positive energy from your big sis,
  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi L2T.   

Yes, I get that is what you meant. 

  Harri

Self-validation is important.  The way I described the process for me, of knowing what was happening and accepting it as a normal part of healing, was my self-validation.

Yes, I can see that now. Boards are great for anonymity, but absence of the spoken spoken word sometimes limits (my) perception.

Turkish, as usual, is King of summing things up in the smallest possible unit!     I was fortunate in that one of my first Ts instilled in me that healing is a learning process and I would need to learn the skills I needed as I went along. 

Yes, King BIFF is pretty awesome. Lol. 

You were fortunate, indeed, to have an excellent therapist who prepared you well for the skills you would need to learn through the healing/learning process.

Sounds to me like you had a tough learning experience L2T.  I am glad you got through it! 

It was tough, but I think I was tougher on myself more than anything. I had difficulty understanding why until I read through that thread.

  Sending you love, gentle hugs and smiles,

L2T