BPD sulking

[Supertrouper]

Hi, my partner is not diagnosed BPD but he exhibits the traits, all of them. He knows he has a ‘difficult’ personality(his words) but im not sure he knows or wants to know a diagnosis.

We have been together on and off for 5 years and i have learnt a lot. He has just now gone into a sulk mode again about something, so pulling away. What is the best solution to stop him continuing this and to get him to talk properly, for him and for me, as ive run out of ideas. Thanks for any help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Sulk mode might be the best he can do right now. Something may have triggered him, and he doesn't want the full emotional roller coaster, so he does the next best thing which is to shut down.

It was probably effective at some time, with someone in his family of origin, would be my guess. Or he saw it modeled for him.

The payoff is when people work to coax him out of it.

What have you tried in the past when he sulks?

[Supertrouper]

Hi thank you for replying. This is a great site, i have never talked to others experiencing the same problem before.

Previously i have ignored him, but he gets more upset. I have left him alone for overnight then called him the day after but he is still sulking, even though he says hes not, you can hear it in their voice tone. I try to talk about the issue at hand but he says he just cant talk sbout it right now as he doesnt want an argument. I dont argue or raise my voice by the way, he does all that. Obviously time then goes by and we never discuss it again.

[once removed]

perhaps even when hes feeling distant and wants space, he still wants to know youre there for him.

what do you think about light, gentle reach outs, that dont directly address whats bothering him, but say "hey, im thinking of you"?

how do you think hed take it?

[livednlearned]

The tricky thing is realizing that while he may try to elicit certain responses from you (hostility, guilt, anxiety, helplessness), he secretly wants the opposite (love, care).

You can't give in to the behaviors because that reinforces it's ok to get what he wants in ways that aren't healthy.

once removed has a great suggestion to try gentle reach outs.

Another option is to reflect back to him in objective, caring terms what you see, physically. "You seem quiet and withdrawn and sad, and your body language and actions tell me you want to be alone."

And then tell him how you interpret what you see. "I will not pry --it looks to me like you prefer to have some privacy right now. If you feel like talking, I'm here to listen and support you."

Then let him take responsibility for reaching out when he's ready.

At the end of the day, you have to be ok with the silence. It can generate anxiety, so it helps to talk through how you feel when he's sulking, and how best to take care of yourself while he's churning.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, thank you. I do gentle reach outs, i just have. He responded ok but nothing substantial. I just said it sounded like he didnt want to talk to me. He said its not that he didnt want to talk, he was just being quiet and feeling forlorn reading the news. He is in the pub as well, implementing his normal coping mechanism. He is coming round my friends tomorrrow (to help her husband out), do he said hed see me there.

My gut feeling is to leave him be tonight and if he wants to talk, he knows where i am. Should i do anything else? The silent treatment bugs me, but i get it and i get on with other things. We dont live together, so its a bit easier to keep sane.

[Supertrouper]

He has just texted me that hes off to bed, being emotional is exhausting for him i know. At least he reached out to me, might not last, i know that too. Just texted him goodnight back. I will be reading the site a lot to see what skills i can gain to help with communication.

[once removed]

I just said it sounded like he didnt want to talk to me.

word choice can be important. people with BPD traits can be hypersensitive to tone, expression, body language, that sort of thing. personalizing ie "you seem like you dont want to talk to me" might be perceived, by him, as a demand.

you might depersonalize it a bit, like livednlearned mentioned with words to the effect of ""You seem quiet and withdrawn and sad, and your body language and actions tell me you want to be alone." more about him, and respectful of his needs.

does that make sense?

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i get the communication stuff but it is a learning thing and i forget to do it in the moment.

Anyway, he came round to friends, and i gave him a peck on the cheek, he didnt pull away but that was all i was allowed to do. He wasnt sulking so much but just a tad distant but was talking to me ok. He did say that he would come round mine but he has s course tomortow and thu do changed his mind, fair enough. His stomach is really hurting him at the moment so i also think he wants to groan about it by himself. Afterwards we went back to our own homes.

I know that the distancing and space thing is his way of controlling his emotions and his environment but it pushes me away and it annoys the hell out of me. I also do believe that he knows that his pushing away bothers me, but i really never know if it is his BPD and he cant hanfle emotion or if he likes the attention of me trying to coax him back or if he likes the control of it, or it could be all of those things. So im showing him that it doesnt bother me anymore. It does but not as much as it used to. I am just fed up i think of trying to coax him back all the time but i feel that if i dont try, he will think i dont care, ehich he usually does. Again i will get on with my stuff.

[once removed]

Hi, i get the communication stuff but it is a learning thing and i forget to do it in the moment.

try practicing it with everyone in your life (these skills work with everyone). its like muscle memory... .you become more mindful about it, and it starts to become second nature.

I am just fed up i think of trying to coax him back all the time but i feel that if i dont try, he will think i dont care, ehich he usually does. Again i will get on with my stuff.

its a delicate balance. if he likes the attention, consciously or unconsciously, it can be rewarding "bad" behavior. or the attention may feel like pressure. in any event, it often helps to let our partners self soothe, and not rescue them from their emotions, or take them upon ourselves. everyone needs some space from time to time.

[livednlearned]

I am just fed up i think of trying to coax him back all the time but i feel that if i dont try, he will think i dont care, ehich he usually does.

This is a double bind where you can't win either way. Door number one is the wrong choice, door number two is the wrong choice, all the doors are the wrong choice and he's probably losing respect that you're playing the game at all because he knows there's nothing behind any of them. It's unwinnable.

All you can do is put accountability back on him where it belongs. He will be irritated that you aren't checking doors because how else does this thing work? He doesn't know. So you show him by validating his feelings and letting him know you are there to support him when he's ready to reach out.

This happens even in a BPD relationship when both are living together. You can open a thousand doors, right in front of them, and none will have anything behind them, and yet you're somehow at fault for not knowing which one is the right one.

For some reason, he is scanning the environment and finding affirmation that he's unlovable. That is something you can only make not worse. It is not something that you can make better.

He has to do that last part.

[Supertrouper]

Hi thanks for the reply, and yes i do feel like i cant win either way. I have left him alone most of the week, we have texted and called each other though.

Yesterday we decided to meet at a pub and bring a curry back to mine. As soon as i met him, he was already in that defensive, standoffish zone. So i tried to just get him out of that by talking but he constantly kept goading me and being rude, so i told him to stop it.

We got a curry and took it back to mine, watched a film that he picked. Afterwards, we talked some more, he did the circular arguments, how i dont listen, trample on his feelings, we should not be together, all that. Sometimes he listened to me, most of the time he didnt and talked over me, even though he swore he didnt. In the end we or mostly me had to agree to disagree. We then laughed, went to bed, had a cuddle, i said i loved him and he said i didnt. This is his cycle again, a cuddle before he leaves.

This morning he was in a grump, i tried the SET communication which i think worked, but im not sure as there was nothing coming back. He was not for turning. I apologized for making him feel upset, and that it wasnt done on purpose. I did also say that he had already put me in the bad (black) zone and that he would do his normal thing of running away, which is what he does.

I have no clue what to do.

I have never actually said why he is upset but i will. 18 mths ago he acquired some iron railings and gates which he thought would look nice in my driveway, i did not want them, but they still arrived. 18 mths later they are still in my driveway and getting in the way. So i said that  i would sell them for him, so i tried, no takers. I tried to get a metal merchant to have them, no takers. So then a builder who had to do some work at the house and he said he would be able to take thrm away, so i said thanks. Since then and it is since then, he has been upset. I get it he bought them for me and its looks like i didnt appreciate them but its not that, its the fact and i get that he cannot see that, but it is the fact that he got them when i did not want them and then did nothing with them.

Yes so i do feel like i cant win and i am not sure which way to turn now.

[once removed]

So i tried to just get him out of that by talking but he constantly kept goading me and being rude, so i told him to stop it.
... .
how i dont listen, trample on his feelings,

his being rude might be a (poor) way of saying he needs his space. i can be the same way. when i want to be left alone, i dont usually communicate it out loud, but show it in my tone and body language. not everyone gets it, and they try harder to draw me out, which feels frustrating and invasive.

what if you didnt try to talk him out of it, or fix it for him, but let him be in that place until hes ready not to be?

[Supertrouper]

Hi, thanks once removed. I think he was trying to get a hostile response back, possibly to get him some space maybe. Never thought of it like that.

Well i texted some SET communications with him and asked him how he felt we could make things better and he said he didnt have any ideas. I know that is probably true, because he never does.

He has just called to say he was still talking to me anyway, he usually does the silent treatment.

Am not sure myself what to do now. How do you encourage them to come up with ideas.

[once removed]

Am not sure myself what to do now. How do you encourage them to come up with ideas.

i think what im saying is about seeing his behavior for what it is, and taking it less personally. everyone needs space from time to time.

it sounds like you perceive his need for space as a rejection of you personally, and you try to close that gap, get him to "snap out of it" so to speak, and try harder when it doesnt work. to him, this feels like not listening, and trampling on his feelings.

it may be that hes a moody guy, who needs space when he needs space, and that trying to fix it or solve it makes things worse between you. i know when im feeling a need for space, i just want to know that others will be there for me when im ready, but i dont want them trying to push me out of my space.

right now, he is threatening breakups, and saying you dont love him. thats a lot of distress. dont push, or this could hit a breaking point. deescalate. back off. say something light and upbeat, fun, loving, then wait for him to get to baseline, would be my advice.

[Supertrouper]

Thanks. I know he is near to break up, because he is following his usual cycle pattern, blow out, cuddle, leave. This time i said to him he was following his normal cycle pattern. Im not sure i would agree i take his wanting space as a personal rejection, it just annoys me how he acts out to get it rather than saying it directly. He says everything else directly.

Im going on holiday with a friend next week and he is going away for two weeks for work so we have natural space.

[once removed]

This time i said to him he was following his normal cycle pattern.

this might make me feel analyzed and trampled on 

i understand that wasnt your intention. im assuming your goal was to help him see it and stop doing it. there are ways of supporting him that can help you in that goal. here is a great one: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

Im going on holiday with a friend next week and he is going away for two weeks for work so we have natural space.

this can help. the old saying of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" does not always apply, though. i think it will really help to get things on smoother ground before you both leave.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, that was my intention to get him to see what was happening again.  He does know that he cycles though, because he has said so previously and i even think he knows he is doing it, its just like he cant stop it or intervene with himself at least. I will look at the validating questions.

I will smooth the way before we both leave, he might do it as well.

I know that people with BPD try and get you to be hostile, guilty or helpless towards them. The last two i never let him make me feel those ever, i may feel guilty and helpless at times but i wont let him make me feel that. I start off well with the hostility and to be fair i never shout or raise my voice but its something i need to work on and the communication skills will hopefully let me do that.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i had a fantastic day visiting my son at uni. Came home and texted my partner that we had a lovely day and hoped hed had a good one too. Well he called back and told me that he had got drunk and was rude to people in the pub. Thank god ive been busy.

He was pleasant to start off with but went back to trying to goad me again even after saying he didnt want to argue and when i didnt answer, tried to do it again, so i just said i was choosing not to answer as it was one of those no win either way questions.  It was time to stop the conversation, my day had been great and i didnt want it ending on a sour note. After i said that though, he decided to go back to his pint, so he must have got bored or needed the space, i dont know.

[Supertrouper]

Well as we are both leaving tomorrow, me for a holiday and him for work, i just texted him this evening to see how he was and to wish him a good trip. He said hed had a bit of a stressful day and would like to come round to mine for a quiet night before he leaves.

So he came round and we had a pleasant chat and he actually said specifically for the first time ‘instructions’ on how he wanted closeness as he was stressed you know (his words). I would be allowed to give him a quick cuddle before i went to sleep, he has already gone to bed exhausted after a stressful day. That is so helpful and i will do just that. Id rather have some guidance rather than trying to guess what he wants, hopefully this may continue in more of our interactions. At least we are pleasant terms before he leaves.

[once removed]

I would be allowed to give him a quick cuddle before i went to sleep, he has already gone to bed exhausted after a stressful day. That is so helpful and i will do just that. Id rather have some guidance rather than trying to guess what he wants, hopefully this may continue in more of our interactions.

it certainly helps when needs are clearly expressed and we arent guessing. use positive reinforcement, its very effective: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0

At least we are pleasant terms before he leaves.

awesome. hopefully it will help you both enjoy your outing. any plans when the two of you get back?

[Supertrouper]

Not as yet, i will text him when i get back next week and hopefully we can arrange something then. It sounded like he was going to have a stressful busy time at work, so hes probably grateful for space.

[Supertrouper]

Well i had a very relaxing holiday. Nice and warm too.

Back to reality. Phoned partner, who is working away to say id landed (last tues) and we had a good chat. He never asked me if id had a good holiday once, i said nothing. He was fine then.

This sunday, the day i normally call him, he was his grumpy self. Stress at work probably. I asked when he would be back and he said tues night or weds afternoon and in the same conversation also said he might have to stay for a few more weeks. So looks like his work is messing him around and he doesnt know what is happening or he is undecided about what to do. He gets a choice of whether he stays or not.

He is still in his moody moment, so i may get a call telling me what is happening, or i will get a call on thu/fri telling me he has been home since tues and why havent i rang him. You can see ive been here before. This time though we are on more dodgy ground as he was a bit distressed before he left and i feel that he is anxious about coming home, my feeling though, it might not be right.

What shall i do? Normally i leave it for him to get in touch as he has first hand knowledge of what he is doing, but then i get whinged at for not making contact first. No win situation for me.

[Supertrouper]

Well he came back yesterday afternoon and promptly went to the pub and got merry. He called me at about 8 and said he was coming over mine. Did not ask me but i didn’t mind if he came over.

He came over. He was ok but you can feel he is not right. He has something on his mind, as he starts going all around the houses rather than directly with his conversation and comments. He kept saying we need to talk. Not actually sure what that means or if he will remember saying it, but he is still in his delicate, almost ready to leave phase, i think so anyway, so i will remain calm about everything.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update, Supertrouper, keep us posted.

RC

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i had a lovely day but busy one yesterday. It was sons birthday, so between keeping him feeling entertained, seeing a friend at a party and seeing partner in the evening who had been in the pub most of the day, it was a busy but nice day.

Anyway, partner and me finally had a talk, well he had a talk, in his half drunk state.  He was usual BPD, a lot of things were my fault and even when he agreed that things were ‘our’ fault, he still found a way to blame me. At one point, i was so angry about it, i could feel my mouth curling. I said nothing and kept calm, tbh, if i tried to say something i was asked to just listen, so i did.

When he had finished talking, he then asked if i would like to say anything. I said yes, but that i needed the loo first, i did, but it was a chance yo take five minutes. When i came down, he asked if we could talk while we were in bed. Not ideal, but i said yes.  So we went to bed, and hes almost falling asleep and he says, ‘ im here but if you wanna talk in the morning, thats ok’. Well i took that as he wanted to leave my talk till the morning. Subtle manipulation to stop me having my say. He knows he would hear some negative stuff about himself and he cant handle that but i am angry that once again, i have no say.

Im writing this in the morning because i know he will forget most of what he said, and i have so much to say, but i know it will go on deaf ears and he will get anxious. So feeling a bit unheard and angry this morning.

[Supertrouper]

Just updating. Well i never got to have my say, he was far too anxious and anything i did say got met with defence. So kept it just chitchat. He was being a bit immature, he was bored and it was early so the pubs werent open, so he was more bored. I kept asking him what he wanted to do and he said no idea. Any ideas i came up with recieved a no. So i gave up and got on with what i had to do.

During the conversation we got on about intimacy. He kept saying that he couldnt feel intimate with someone who annoyed him. That was directed at me, but he couldnt say how i annoyed him. I did say to him that his intimacy levels dropped quite a bit.  He never said anything at first but then came up to me like a child and said dont say that my intimacy levels drop. He said in a calm way. Dont think he liked me saying it but i do think he is aware of it, just not the fact that it is not just me who may be at fault. I gave him a hug anyway as he sounded like he needed one. Then he went to the pub.

[Supertrouper]

I had a lovely day with my oldest son. Partner rang up and said he was merry but could he come round. He did and as soon as he walked in started moaning. I know it is drink induced most of it, and drinking is his coping mechanism for anxiety and has been well before he met me, but god its so boring. That may be harsh and showing a total lack of understanding but for me when he is like that, thats no pleasure for me.

Anyway, i ignored his rants and just let him calm down quietly, did not Jade, because i knew eventually he would go to bed and he did.  His soul purpose was to be warm and go to bed, yes thats what he said. And he says im the selfish one.

He is going away again to work next week for three weeks, so i get a break. To be fair its not been too bad this week but we havent done much, but sometimes thats just how it is. We havent talked much either and mainly because hes been drunk most of the time and sometimes thats just how it is. He has been around every night since he has been home which is unusual but i think he doesnt want to be alone.

I will miss him when he goes but i will relish the break because i think he is heading for a huge bout of his anxiety and he is not nice to be around then, the worst of his uBPD traits come out then, and its draining. His work colleagues can have it instead. I will just have some fun nights out with my friends.

[Supertrouper]

Partner informed me yesterday that he now has another week at home before he goes away now. Since he told me, he hasnt been round or called really.  From being round mine every evening last week and calling to see if he could come round and stay, to me having to call him, which is ok, and him not wanting to come round or see me at all this week, is a complete turnaround.

Not sure what has changed but i will leave it up to him, get on with what i need to. I think he is still stressed about something, as i had my own emotional issue with my son today, and although he asked me if i was ok, he didnt really want to talk about it. I do understand he cant deal with my stuff when he is stressed, thankfully i can cope by myself, quietly. I also know he is stressed because he starts cooking stuff for everyone, another coping thing. Not for me but for people down the pub. It is all for attention, i guess, and i would not appreciate his  cooking anyway, as he is a meateater and im not. He doesnt cook any other times, so ive noticed, other than when he is stressed.

It would be nice to have some emotional support in times of need but i cant get it from him. I have to deal with it as i have dealt with everything most of my life,  by myself. I do have family thankfully and they can be supportive and i do ask, if i need to, do they are a blessing.

[Alona76]

Hi just read your posts about the sulking . This is what I got tonight . I unintentionally got distracted while he was talking and asked my son s question he my partner got annoyed snd I apologised for not listening and paying attention . But rather than this bring the end he then wants to do silent treatment cold shouldering sulky rubbish. I can’t be bothered pandering and kissing his arse . Tried kissing him  tried asking him to stop then I got annoyed snd cslked him a mard arse because I’m frustrated with pandering and being punished over nothing . I git distracted it annoyed him I understood I said sorry end of! But now he’s Gone home over it. My patience is thin. He feels it’s ok to reject me but Iv got to pander about . Sick of it ! Sorry for if I sound angry and uncaring but it’s grating on my nerves . My isrtnervis s lovely caring guy but I’m not gonna sit and be punished over nothing