My mom has an Impulsive reckless spending problem

[Tillycat]

Help! My mom has an impulsive reckless spending problem . My dad gives her $500 every Friday and she always complains that it is not enough but she always spends it fo quickly. She has bought me a houndred dresses that I don’t need or want . She buys new purses and bags all the tine she probably has 30 or more by now every time I turn around has a new purse where I’m like where did that come from . She doesn’t have rational spending habits and if she complains Relentlessly to get what she want from my dad and if he says no she starts saying mean things to him. My mom doesn’t usually care about the price of things she only cares if she has enough money at the tin to buy it and if she doesn’t she will just come back when she has more money so she can buy the thing that she wants.When it comes to shopping it’s not about the price it’s about how nice it is . My sister and I were on fall break and my mom wanted to take us to this city nearby that has good shopping and stay the night in a hotel . Then she tells my dad that she wants us to stay two nights in the hotel. My dad said he wanted to pay about 110 per night as a budget but my mom really wanted to stay at this nice museum hotel . She was like let’s say here it’s really nice . My dad said I don’t care how nice it is how much is it it was like $ 230 or more but my mom really wanted to stay there so we did (pleasing the queen) . My mom has run up credit cards so my dad won’t let her have any . She opens up credit cards at department stores . She has 50 friends and buys them expensive gifts for there b days . If she really likes something she will get it in every color. She is not willing to acknowledge that are financial problems are all  because of her.
 
 Any tips that have worked for other people ?

[jasmine123]

My mom has a similar struggle. I haven't yet figured out the best way to respond (I still feel anxious when she spends a lot of money), but one thing that is helped is accepting:

1. She is an adult. She is responsible for how she spends her money.
2. I can't control her. Period.
3. I can't make her change. If she is going to change, SHE has to see the consequences of her actions and make the changes herself.

I think in  your case it also is about your mom and dad working it out together if they have a conflict about it. I think it may be easy to fall into the role of mediator or counselor for your parents, but that's not your job.

The thing that I am still trying to figure out is, do we still voice our concerns? For example, should we say, "This spending is making me uncomfortable," while recognizing this might cause further conflict and/or we still aren't in control of their spending. What do other people think?

[zachira]

Your mother has an impulsive reckless spending problem. It seems your dad has done everything he can to control her spending. I am wondering if your mother every asks you what you would like for a gift for your birthday, Christmas etc., If she does, than I think you might tell her you really do not want a gift from her, just for her to get help with her out of control spending. Other than that, I do not think you can give her unsolicited advice about her spending. I feel for you as this problem is making everyone in your family miserable and there are many concerns to be addressed. We are here to listen and support you. Other members will reply to your post, and you will likely receive some ideas that will be helpful and make you feel heard. Take care and keep  us posted on how you are doing.

[Tillycat]

Wait so I should tell her I don’t want a gift I just want you to get help with your spending habits instead?

[zachira]

Yes, the reason I am suggesting this, is I had an experience with a cousin that this worked with, though I can't make any predictions about how your mother will respond. My cousin has refused to take care of her health forever, had a badly infected leg, and would not go to the doctor despite repeated requests over many years during times when her leg was infected. The people who were requesting she see the doctor are very kind and tactful. I volunteered to take my cousin to do some errands because she said she was afraid to drive her car. (She is elderly.) After taking her to do some errands, she wanted to take me out to eat as I thank you, and I told her if you really want to do something for me, please go see the doctor about your leg. She started to protest and I said nothing. A few hours later she informed me she had made the doctor's appointment and asked me to take her which I did. This experience convinced me you have to somehow find the right moment to intervene and since my cousin was asking what she could do for me, I told her.
I know with your mother, things are much more complicated and distressing. You just keep trying to see what works. I hope things get better. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

[Turkish]

I like zachira's approach with her friend.  

I also came to realize that what jasmine123 said is where I ended up, that I wasn't going to change a 60 year old something person.

In the early 2000s, I dud a back of the envelope calculation.  Her mortgage was paid off,  and her property taxes were a little over $100/month.  (Those she let balloon to over $8k, ultimately resulting in she losing her paid off 5 acres). She had no car payment.  After I subtracted my rent (and accounting fur my retirement contribution and 10% of my net into company stock), my after rent net was the same as her social security... .plus I had a truck payment which I had until late 2005. Yet I was OK.  I wasn't worrying about my utilities being turned off nor running out of money for food,  both of which she struggled with for a long as I could remember,  including my childhood.  My mom was just always bad with money by living beyond her means.

Home bought in the early 70s? Short sale in 1983. 25 acres bought in 1979? Foreclosure in 1985. Home on 5 acres bought on 1989 and paid off on 2004? Under constant threat of foreclosure, rescued by me and two other friends (about $30k between us I later found out), lost in 2018. Yard gnomes, fruit trees (most of which rotted unplanted) and who knows what else took precedence over fairly cheap property taxes.

[Notwendy]

My mother has done this for decades. I don't think it is possible to change this. Also, be conscious of the "drama triangle" if you try to intervene.

This issue is really between her and your father, and it probably has been going on a long time. This is part of the dynamics between them. She spends, your father - if he says no- then has to deal with her reaction. If he says yes, he gets a few moments of peace, but he enables the situation.

My mother's spending actually got our family in debt when I was growing up. Once I left home, I didn't know their financial situation. My mother also likes expensive things, fancy hotels. Basically my father let her have what she wanted or she's pitch a fit.

I tried to intervene when they were getting older and he became ill. I was there helping out. It was sad to see that he hardly had any nice clothes. The shirts he had were birthday gifts- from relatives, some from me. He needed some pants and so we went to a mid-price store to get some. Mother only shopped at high end stores and has designer things. He was compensating for her spending. We went to the pharmacy and he made sure to get the generic brands.

By intervening, I admittedly was considering myself. My father was seriously ill and my mother would have to live on whatever they had left and I feared she'd spend it all. I know that I would help a parent if they needed basics but my mother would happily drain our bank accounts with her spending habits  if we let her ( and we wouldn't- but I could see the potential issues with this ). I offered to help manage their finances for them and as you can imagine she did not like that.

Here is where the drama triangle was at play. My mother takes victim mode and my father rescued her. She wants something, he gets it for her, and she's happy for a moment. The issue isn't just her spending, it is the dynamics between them. The problem isn't just with your mother. Your father enables her and if he is a rescuer, this is part of his personality too.

When I intervened with this, I became the persecutor in this triangle. I disrupted the dynamics between them and neither of them would go along with it. I also had perceived my father as the victim of her spending- but he was also complicit in this. Trying to change this only got me on the drama triangle with them.

Sometimes people learn from natural consequences. My father has passed away and my mother is now in charge of all her finances. I have no idea what she has and having learned from trying to intervene, I don't go near that topic. But I noticed she began to talk about cost of thing, saying " that is really expensive" and " once the money is spent, it is gone". Before, she just spent. I still think she is careless about money at times, but she also has become aware of the idea of budgeting now that she has seen the consequences of it.

So from this experience- my advice to you would be to back off. This is a problem between both your parents. Your father is as much of a participant in this as she is, and this dynamic between them has probably been going on since the beginning. Trying to intervene would get you into the drama between them. You don't have to participate in her spending- you can decline gifts, or mention you don't want to do something expensive,  but to change the spending, your father would have to choose to manage this.