Split black and/or dissociating?

[Dirtrackgirl]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here because I’m trying to help myself better understand the recent behaviour of my ex who I now suspect suffers from undiagnosed BPD.

The bare bones of my situation is as follows: I dated my ex for around 8 months two years ago. For around five months after our break-up we tried hard to be friends (some blurring of sexual and emotional boundaries occurred) and that period - and the relationship itself - was tumultuous but also loving. He then left my city to move back to his home country as he was having a very hard time over here. We left on very good terms - although mutually upset at being parted  - and maintained a friendship for over a year via messages and phone calls etc.

This summer just gone, he invited me to visit his home town. I went for a week and, for most of that week, we were back to having a wonderful time. In fact, it was probably too good as I definitely realised the intensity of my feelings for this man. This was unexpected and happened naturally.

Over the final weekend, we attended a festival with his friends and he started to become difficult to be around. This is a behaviour pattern that happened several times when he lived over here and which I now recognise as potential emotional turbulence as a result of him struggling with BPD. It’s also worth noting that he was taking a lot of drugs over this weekend but hadn’t been up until then. On the final day of the festival, he avoided both myself and his friends. I left the country the next day but had messaged asking if everything was ok and also thanking him for such a great week. I also asked to see him to say goodbye but he stated that he couldn’t as he had family things to attend to and sent me a message saying “I’m sorry”.

Since arriving back home, he has only said to me that he is ok but that he doesn’t want to talk. That was two months ago. I have given him space and sent a couple of messages: a joke and also a nice message stressing that, although I don’t understand what has happened, I am here for him if he needs anything, value his friendship massively, care greatly about him and also that I was sorry if I had done something to upset him. My messages have been read but I haven’t had a response. He hasn’t blocked me but seems intent on ignoring me.

My question now is one that is looking for guidance so that I can recover from a very upsetting and bewildering cut-off: could my leaving the country after such an intimate week have triggered an abandonment issue? I feel incredibly drained and hurt by ruminating on this and would really like some insights into his behaviour, if possible, to help me heal and move on. His two best mates have messaged me independently in order to keep in touch and seem oblivious to the fact that he seems to hate me now. We messaged every day for a year prior to this and I hate the thought that I have inadvertently caused him upset and emotional damage. I’m also gutted to have potentially lost an ex/now friend that I love and care for immensely.

Any thoughts or observations would be gratefully received.

[once removed]

hi Dirtrackgirl, and

This summer just gone, he invited me to visit his home town. I went for a week and, for most of that week, we were back to having a wonderful time. In fact, it was probably too good as I definitely realised the intensity of my feelings for this man. This was unexpected and happened naturally.

what happened during this week? tell us more.

do you know if anything was going on with the intensity of his feelings?

[Dirtrackgirl]

hi Dirtrackgirl, and

what happened during this week? tell us more.

do you know if anything was going on with the intensity of his feelings?

Hi! Thank you so much for the welcome and for your response.

We spent a lot of time together and had a blast - he was giggly, smiley and flirty until the final weekend. We made up lots of silly jokes and puns that we love doing together and were just generally goofy, relaxed and happy (seemingly).

We spent most of the week exploring his home town and surrounding areas; one morning he drove me out to the mountains and showed me some beautiful places. We then met up with his best friend and his girlfriend and spent the afternoon canyoning. This involved a long car journey (4 hours round trip) in which we chatted away, made jokes, ate snacks and generally acted like immature teenagers rather than the fully grown adults we are 

I met more of his friends, acquaintances and band mates over the week; we went paddleboarding with friends one afternoon; me and him had drinks together; explored new places; went for food; watched rubbish tv in my flat etc. A mixture of lots of things. We were also sexually intimate. Things felt great - almost too good - and I didn’t sense that he was uncomfortable until the final weekend.

I also didn’t put any pressure on him for anything. He offered all of the above independently and even picked me up from airport when I landed. He spoke with my landlord as I can’t speak Spanish and seemed to enjoy watching my reaction to the stunning places in the area.

If I had to sum it up, I would say that he had had a great week too. He doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to and will quickly make it clear if he’s unhappy etc. It was only at the end of the week that things started to sour.

Does that help at all? Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

[Dirtrackgirl]

I miss him a lot today. His absence grows evermore and I wonder how he is doing several times a day. It’s tempting to message him but I know that I won’t get a response.

It just sets my head spinning that he can completely cut me out so suddenly and without a reason that I understand. He will have a reason, I assume, but it drives me nuts because I don’t know what it could be. Which means it’s hard to learn from the experience and move on.

The answer is for me to accept it for what it is and try not to dwell ... .but that isn’t easy   

Apologies for the rant - it’s strangely therapeutic just letting rip. Ahahaha!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DTG, Welcome!  Sure, it's safe to "let it rip" here.  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain after things ended so abruptly.  What makes you suspect that your Ex has BPD?  How did you happen to learn about BPD?  The reason I ask is because the disorder is under the radar for most folks.  Let me ask you another question: do you have any reason to suspect that your Ex suffered some sort of childhood trauma?

That your messages have gone unanswered must be very frustrating, yet I think it would be a mistake to blame yourself.  It's easy to blame oneself in a vacuum, when no other information is available!  Believe me, I've done it to myself plenty of times.  Instead, I suggest you be kind and compassionate to yourself.

Keep us posted,
LuckyJim

[once removed]

i think that its always possible that he will reach out eventually. less likely if you deeply offended him, which doesnt sound like the case.

i can certainly understand that itch so to speak in wondering what happened and why. from reading your description, it is very hard to say. nothing stands out. its possible that things were too close and it was intense for him, its possible the reasoning has little to do with you, but both are just speculation.

you were together for eight months two years ago. what happened? what led to the breakup? who initiated?

[Dirtrackgirl]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to send an update in case anything I have spoken about resonates with anyone else; if so, this might be useful.

After nearly a year of silence, I sent an email just enquiring how he was doing. To my surprise, I got several texts in response saying that he had been thinking of me and apologising for what had happened. He said that he misunderstood something when we last saw each other, got incredibly angry, took a lot of drugs and then lost his mind. By the time he realised what damage he had done, he said that a lot of time had passed and that he was very sorry. It’s surprising that he has accepted full responsibility and we have been messaging on friendly terms again. It seems his emotional fragility got the better of him and caused a lot of damage for both of us.

[once removed]

good to hear from you again Dirtrackgirl!

that must have been a relief. so what comes now?

[Leonis]

(some blurring of sexual and emotional boundaries occurred)

The flag raised the moment I read that.

After nearly a year of silence, I sent an email just enquiring how he was doing. To my surprise, I got several texts in response saying that he had been thinking of me and apologising for what had happened.

And like once removed said, now what?

[Dirtrackgirl]

The flag raised the moment I read that.

In what sense?

I’m not sure what happens now. I’m just weirdly grateful to be friends again. I should be angry because he was incredibly cruel but the sense of relief that he’s ok is overwhelming. It’s done a lot of damage though so sending chatty messages is fine for me right now. We live in different countries which makes things easier in a sense as I don’t have to worry about seeing him - I’m not certain that I’d be able to as it’s hurt me a lot. Just glad that he’s ok and it’s nice to chat.