First major manic episode

[boldbp]

I have been married to my wife for 13 years and have been dating for 19, we were best friends and I felt had a great relationship. We have 2 children 14 daughter 10 son. So we have been having very minor marital issues but I noticed she had been drinking and detaching herself more than usual. So one day she is taking a nap comes downstairs and goes out for a smoke next thing I know the police are in my front yard and she looks at me and say "I want you out of the house you are controlling me".  I refused to leave so she left, the next day she says I want a divorce (I agreed and started the process with a lawyer) and I will coexist with you so we can co-parent until the divorce is final. We have been growing apart and I want more in life than what she is willing to go. In our relationship I did almost everything except clean and laundry.

So she comes home we stay our distance, two days later she wakes me up at midnight with a bat demanding I leave the house, so I do. During the next four days she refuses to let me back in and is drinking a lot according to my children, and gets an order of protection against me. So the night I get served I get a call from mutual friends asking me what is going on with her, they are worried about the kids, she is talking about herself in the third person and seeing things and paranoid. So I call for a well being check and after talking with the police they get her to voluntarily got to the hospital. She signs herself out less than 24 hours later fast-forward 4 days she is staying at my sisters and leaves in the middle of the night to in her words go to the air planes. After speaking with the police she had an involuntary mental evaluation where she was admitted for 14 days. When she was released she was out for 1 week and refused to take her meds (which does not surprise me) and started going into a paranoid state with delusions. Her family member signs her back into the hospital where she is currently for a couple of more days... Very broad strokes here for the full picture it would take me many more posts. So as of now she has an open DCFS case against her our children are with me and she says she is going to a substance abuse program if they have a bed open. I have been allowed to contact her counselor and they said she is being treated for bipolar/manic/psychosis. We have been speaking on the phone daily mainly so she can talk with the kids. When she talks to me I cant get a straight answer or emotion. One time she is crying next she is angry and then decent and wants to know why everybody has turned on her but she doesn't remember or care about what she has done. Today she told me that she was not sick and has no clue what she is doing there and she want to come back to the house. The kids are with me safe and getting back on routine. We have started family therapy but I am just so confused on what to do. I guess I just need to vent and I have no great support cast. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, I have so much on my brain I don't know were to start.

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[united for now]

First off, I'm glad you are reaching out for help. It will be critical going forward for all of you.

Accepting a mental health diagnosis isn't easy. Especially if it's compounded by alcohol or other methods of escape. It may take her time to adjust to this. Also, pysch meds can take up to 4 weeks before they work adn dosages sometimes need to be adjusted.

For now I'd let the experts work with her on acceptance.

As for you? Come here for support and to vent. This is a great place to learn from others and to get support. Lots of info to dig through. Most importantly though, take care of yourself and your children. I'm sure they are confused as to what happened to mom and scared for the future.

[boldbp]

I have done some research on the medications and realize that they take time to kick in, my concern is what is she going to do when released. How do I deal with her when she wants to confront me on the phone? Do I tell her why I don’t want her back in the house and why her family won’t let her stay with them? This is the most confusing part of dealing with her at this time.

I definitely agree and I am being very supportive to our children. We go for our second counseling session today. We have had many discussions about moms actions and illness. I do everything I can and word it in a way that doesn’t sound like I am putting her down or that she did any of this on purpose. Basically stating this is her illness not her. The kids get upset especially my oldest after speaking with her and they get off the phone and say it’s not mom, when will she be better. It breaks my heart.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Boldbp-

I want to welcome you to our community and am very sorry for the pain and confusion you, your children and your wife are experiencing.  This has been a very difficult time for you all and I’m sure you feel lost at sea.

Since you do have access to your W’s counselor, have you told her/him about the threatening posture your W took toward you with the baseball bat at your bedside?  I believe the counselor needs to be aware of that behavior before the hospital makes a decision to release your W; as well as any other threatening behaviors (words or actions).  As United for Now stated, the safety and wellbeing of you and your children takes priority at this stage.  Has your W ever exhibited any behaviors even close to what has recently occurred?  Is she diagnosed with BPD?

I’m sure you’re doing the best you can with your kids under the circumstances.  Continue to be as honest as you can, and assure them that you’re there for them.  Do you have other family members to support you and the children through this difficult time?  You did say your support is limited, and also stated that your W’s family members checked her into the hospital.  Can you address a bit more about these players so we can better understand the family dynamics?

How is the family counseling going with you and your children?  Are the kids feeling comfortable opening up and talking during the therapy sessions?  It’s great that you’ve taken the step to facilitate the therapy for the three of you.

Are your children WANTING to talk to their mom during the daily phone calls?  When you speak to your W on these calls, is she blaming you for her being hospitalized?  Does she recall that she asked for a divorce?  What are your feelings about the marriage and her request for a divorce?  Does your wife hold a job outside the home?

Sorry about all these questions.  Please keep posting.  Tell us anything you want to get off your chest.  Posting  here is a good way to begin to release things and really find out how YOU’RE feeling about things; in ways you may not have known you’ve felt... .simply because you may have been tiptoeing around for years.  So I’d encourage you to open up here.  I feel certain there are likely things you’ve bottled up, things you cannot say in therapy in front of your children.  And we can help you move through those thoughts and feelings.

I hope this isn’t too much to throw at you.  That is NOT my intention.

Please  take care of yourself, Boldbp.  You’re a good and loving husband and dad... .That’s pretty clear.  Again, we are here to support you in whatever way you need.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[boldbp]

My W is being treated for Bipolar manic psychosis. I have spoken to her counselor about her aggression and they agree she should not be around me until she becomes more stable. She is supposedly being released today or tomorrow but I am still waiting for that answer. In the minimal discussion we have had she is still wanting to move forward with the divorce. I have close family but they have never delt with this type of illness so it’s difficult for them to relate but they support me and the kids 100%.
We have completed our first real session with our counselor and the kids are doing there best to open up to a stranger, but they are engaged so I think the more we go the more they will open up.
The kids are on the fence talking with mom, I don’t make them but I try to suggest they give her a call, if I don’t they most likely won’t call. Not sure what to do about that. My W only blames the people that have put her in the hospital, the first time my sister signed the paper work because I had an Order of Protection put against me and the second time 2 weeks later her cousin and mom called 911 and her actions got her admitted with no signature. My W was a stay at home mom for 13 years and went back to working about a year ago part time cleaning houses with a friend. She has stated that the girls have convinced her she was in an abusive relationship. Not sure where all of that is stemming from. I cookedhelp the kids with homework paid the bills grocery shopped basically did anything to make her life easier because she got so stressed so easily.

As of now my concerns are her getting released, I am worried about how she is going to be with the kids. I spoke with her counselor and she is trying to get her to understand she needs to worry about getting herself healthy before stressing about taking care of the kids. Not sure how that will go, as of now she doesn’t want me to even know where she is going to stay but wants visitation with them. I have talked to the kids about letting me know if they are ready to leave they need to speak up and tell her. I am in contact with my lawyer about getting emergency custody order but haven’t heard back yet. When I told my daughter she was getting released her face showed fear instead of relief. My son has been coming into my room at bed time and concerned about mom relapsing and what can we do and we talk about looking for signals and we have no control over the unknown. He has been sleeping in my bed the past two nights. I just want to comfort him he has never crawled  into bed with us before this so he is definitely worried and possibly scared and or confused... This is going to be a rough weekend.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Boldbp-

It sounds as if you’ve been supportive of your W in every way possible, and I’m glad you do have close family around you.  It’s okay that they’ve never dealt with this type of behavior before... .neither have you.  Having your family nearby will just feel good for you and your children... .will give the three of you an emotional safety net of sorts.  Perhaps You can periodically get together with your family for meals, game time and some healthy fun.

I’m wondering if your W’s counselor/therapist can provide guidance to you (if appropriate) on the best way to diffuse tension at this point.  It may be appropriate to utilize that therapist as a mediator of sorts, until your W stabilizes, and have the therapist explain certain terms of visitation down the line. 

If the children are fearful of visits, then now is obviously not the time for that.  They have reasons to be afraid.  I’m sure your heart hurts when your son crawls into bed with you and you see the look of fear on your daughter’s face.  Your kids need to know you understand their feelings and it’s clear you do.  You obviously have fear of your own.

I’m glad you’ve made contact with your lawyer about the emergency custody order.  At this point it appears you’ll likely have to harden your heart a bit and enlist the help of anyone (your W’s family and the police included) to protect the children until your W stabilizes and is on a healthier track.  And if your W doesn’t want you to know where she’s staying when she’s released, that should be alright, as long as she keeps her distance from you and the kids.  Hopefully her therapist can facilitate a respectful conversation around that topic.  You just want to use care and not do anything to escalate emotions.  Not easy... .

Have you any ideas as to what may have set her off or triggered this event for her?

Please stay with us here.  More members will be coming to help.  Again, I am so very sorry about all of this, my friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[boldbp]

Gemsforeyes,

Thank you for the support, I spoke with her counselor today and she explained to my W that visitation with supervision would be the best way to start. W was accepting to that at the time. She will be released tomorrow and we will see what happens. The counselor also told her that I know where she is staying so that is out in the open, I am going to drop off some of her belongings there tonight so she has no reason to stop at the house. I do agree I need to sit down and discuss with the kids the comfort level that they have with visitation. I know if they are not comfortable and just want to keep in contact via phone call this may send her over the top. I don’t want to fuel the fire but the kids feelings are more important.

Thank you