Is BPD love really any different from nons love?

[RomanticFool]

I have been self reflecting and trying to figure out why I keep getting involved with women who have BOD traits. The love-bombing is intoxicating, the sex is extraordinary and before the devaluation stage the intensity of the love and care is like Nirvana. Of course when it all comes crashing down a pwBPD can shut down like a machine. A switch flicks and it’s like it never happened. I understand it only too well because it is about turning off the pain. To love somebody is a painful experience and shutting down is the only way to alleviate the pain.

Is that really so different from a non? The women who have dumped me have been just as brutal and just as silent as a pwBPD. I’m not sure what a pwBPD traits is really so different from anybody else who wants to keep pain at bay.

[Chitchat]

 Link, right : Processing- become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, regardless of how it all turned out.


'It's the one silver lining in this,' as someone once said.

[Chitchat]

I find it useful to think outside the BPD box when thinking of BPD, for perspective. Most of the traits and behaviours are common in non BPD relationship counselling.

But you are talking about your own attraction to BPD.

Is there some kind of addiction or compulsion? You rarely give much information about your wife, but quite a bit about your BPD trait crushes.

There are parallels between the euphoria of love and addictions. Likewise, between a break - up and withdrawal from an addiction. And the reason a codependent stays with an abuser, anxious with avoidant, love addict with breadcrumber, is because the former are conditioned to the unpredictable expectation of dopamine hits, the same as someone playing on a fruit machine. So, in a sense, serial BPD trait relationships may be similar to what keeps a faithful person from detaching in a BPD relationship.

If that sounds too theoretical, it did occur to me how unhealthy but compulsive thoughts of my ex have been, five months into NC, now that she has gone twice in the past week to one of my regular places. Lucky me? I don't know if she is going for revenge, to win me back or find someone else. But the uncertainty is keeping me dwelling on things. Do I love her? (Yes, I think so.) Does she love me? (?) Is she not really BPD? (Yes, she is.) Can or will she get help? (No.) Is either of us ready? (I'm not, because I'm here. She is dysregulating still.) The anxiety is there in me and is damaging what little hope we have. But this has not stopped me from calculating the date of the next chance encounter unless I change my routine. Clink, lemon, clink, lemon, clink, [don't go there].

[Chitchat]

Romantic Fool, try Esther Perel's podcasts etc? Your behaviour will not be attractive except to short - term partners, but you have something going with your wife? You really have to look into yourself a lot? I feel you searching. Forgive yourself. Just my ten cents' worth.

[SWLSR]

yes it is.  It is a very immature love they will not be able to get past a certain level. 

[Mindfried]

"Grief is the price we pay for love."

[Husband321]

Is that really so different from a non? The women who have dumped me have been just as brutal and just as silent as a pwBPD. I’m not sure what a pwBPD traits is really so different from anybody else who wants to keep pain at bay.

During the initial "love" phase, a non will typically be building more of a foundation for a different type, of more meaningful long term love.  I feel BPD just cannot get past the initial phase of love.

[zachira]

I think that kindness and compassion for self and others is the root of all genuine loving relationships. Is the person you are in a relationship with or interested in possibly having a relationship with kind and compassionate to others, even when nobody is looking? It can be so hard to distinguish between a performance to look good and entice others, and someone who is genuine and tries to bring out the best in self and others. I always look at how a person behaves when they have power over others and when nobody is looking. I agree that people with BPD are unable to form genuine long term relationships and with time their true colors will show, and the love sex bombing can be hard to withdraw from if we are indeed feeling so needy that we shut down our awareness about who this person really is.

[JNChell]

Hello, RomanticFool. I’ve been reading your posts for a while now. Your message seems to be one of being very torn and that you’ve felt this way for quite some time. It sounds like you haven’t felt very good over some very confusing aspects of your life. I understand that it all feels very confusing, that it has you off balance and that you’re questioning many things. Including yourself. I also understand how awful all of that can feel. It’s hard to see any positives when the negatives feel so much heavier, but perhaps there is a glimpse of a silver lining to ponder. Do you think that it may be possible that your mind and body are telling you these things because they feel out of balance and deprived of what they need to feel good and in harmony with one another?

The subject here has to do with love. It’s a good thread and it’s a positive thing to bring these questions/concerns here. I’ve been in different, but very dark places like you’ve described on your threads. With a little giving in to my own situation, good advice and gentle nudges from the fine folks here and good therapy, things are noticeably better for me now. In terms of love, I’m learning how to love myself. If I may ask, how do you feel about that? Loving yourself.

I feel like, looking back, that if I had loved myself in healthy ways that I could’ve loved other people that have come and gone from life much better than I did. I could’ve loved them enough to simply be the one to let go of what was hurting the both of us on a very deep level. Now is my time to learn about and maybe apply it some day.

[Insom]

To love somebody is a painful experience and shutting down is the only way to alleviate the pain.

It sounds like, for you, love and pain are closely linked.  Would you like to say more about this?  For me, love feels warm.  It is the almost the opposite of pain.  So I am trying to understand.

[once removed]

any different? sure. just not always in ways we think, and in ways that are not only similar, but often part of the draw.

these relationships tend to be wound and need based, and in that sense, no, not so different. however, they are often different wounds, and different needs. for example, and very generally speaking, the "non" in the equation tends to have a high need for mirroring, and equates it with love. the "BPD" in the equation tends to have a high need to give that to someone, in order to merge; equates that with love.

in terms of similarity, both parties often have a heightened fear of abandonment and underlying fear of intimacy. how and when it manifests can look very different - maybe one party pushes and the other pulls - and perceptions of the relationship and how each fits into it can be very different.

the mind blowing thing in hindsight is that despite that familiarity and perceived closeness that both parties felt initially, the two were often not on the same page.