After 5 Years, Son Intuited Mommy Cheated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She left in early 2014 and too soon introduced the kids to her beau, the kids them just 4, our son, and D1. It did result in his anger towards his mom,  but we got past it.  They married age cohabitated the following summer.  Her borderline devaluation soon followed and then her rage,  resulting in him being arrested and beaten by the cops the following spring, then age punching him in front of the kids.  Months later,  she moved out without him. 

1.5 years ago,  he told me,  "I wouldn't want to marry someone like Mommy." Why not? I asked.  "Because Mommy punched [H-Step-dad] and he didn't call the cops."

After almost 8 months of separation, she started bringing him around again this past spring.  She even took him on vacation with the kids last month.  They are still living separately.

Last night,  we were all lying in the same bed.  D6 was reading a comic book,  I was reading a book on my tablet. I thought S8 was reading with his sister but he said out of thy blue, "Mommy Cheated on you."

I asked him why he thought that.  He said that he saw a video during their school program where they said that of you kiss someone else that it's cheating. Talk about being put on the spot 

A lot of things went through my head on how to respond to that,  but most of them involved TMI: first, he being 8, though close to 9; second, TMI about his parents.  So I just said,  "yes." He didn't ask anymore questions. 

I think there is more to it than just kissing someone else, and of course divorced people are free to go with whom they wish, but I felt that if I were to explain that, I would have been spinning a lie.  I think he intuited more than was said by his words in that he figured out that remarryimg wasn't cheating, but he was trying to make sense of his experience because he felt it was more than that. 

I hope he doesn't ask his mom.  I'm already anticipating that.  Given all I read,  and what my T said at the time,  parents should be honest with kids in these situations.  If she were honest,  we'd take the heat and moved years past it, but she was all about promoting the lie,  which most people believed,  and having a total lack of empathy for what the kids felt. 

D6 was wrapped up in her comic. It didn't seem like she was paying attention to what we wets talking about. 

[Turkish]

She left in early 2014 and too soon introduced the kids to her beau, the kids them just 4, our son, and D1. It did result in his anger towards his mom,  but we got past it.  They married age cohabitated the following summer.  Her borderline devaluation soon followed and then her rage,  resulting in him being arrested and beaten by the cops the following spring, then age punching him in front of the kids.  Months later,  she moved out without him. 

1.5 years ago,  he told me,  "I wouldn't want to marry someone like Mommy." Why not? I asked.  "Because Mommy punched [H-Step-dad] and he didn't call the cops."

After almost 8 months of separation, she started bringing him around again this past spring.  She even took him on vacation with the kids last month.  They are still living separately.

Last night,  we were all lying in the same bed.  D6 was reading a comic book,  I was reading a book on my tablet. I thought S8 was reading with his sister but he said out of thy blue, "Mommy Cheated on you."

I asked him why he thought that.  He said that he saw a video during their school program where they said that of you kiss someone else that it's cheating. Talk about being put on the spot 

A lot of things went through my head on how to respond to that,  but most of them involved TMI: first, he being 8, though close to 9; second, TMI about his parents.  So I just said,  "yes." He didn't ask anymore questions. 

I think there is more to it than just kissing someone else, and of course divorced people are free to go with whom they wish, but I felt that if I were to explain that, I would have been spinning a lie.  I think he intuited more than was said by his words in that he figured out that remarryimg wasn't cheating, but he was trying to make sense of his experience because he felt it was more than that. 

I hope he doesn't ask his mom.  I'm already anticipating that.  Given all I read,  and what my T said at the time,  parents should be honest with kids in these situations.  If she were honest,  we'd take the heat and moved years past it, but she was all about promoting the lie,  which most people believed,  and having a total lack of empathy for what the kids felt. 

D6 was wrapped up in her comic. It didn't seem like she was paying attention to what we wets talking about. 

[kells76]

I asked him why he thought that.

   gold medal

How are you feeling today after thinking about how things went?

[Turkish]

I'm thinking how I'll respond if it comes up in the future.  And how I'll handle a call from her if he tells her that.  I'm not going to lose sleep over it though. 

[kells76]

Makes sense to have a very short "conversation" when he's 8 years old. Seems like he'll probably bring it up again once his brain grows past the level of that conversation.

I wonder if, when he's older, if he brings up "cheating" again, you can ask him something like "What do you think cheating means?" or "What do people say cheating is?"

Not losing sleep over a confrontation that hasn't happened is a good skill. I'm still working on it. Reminds me of mamawolf's current thread (should she tell xW that the kids ate something non-food).

Planning ahead still isn't a bad thing -- do you want to walk through any phone call scenarios? Or just leave it for now?

[Turkish]

I think that this is more than "I saw mommy get a boyfriend then married after she left=cheating" in his mind.  Explaining that such a scenario wouldn't be cheating would lead me into either giving too many details or explaining it away (lying). I'll see if I can think of scenarios and responses later... .on the other hand, it might not be fruitful to overanalyze it. 

[Harri]

Good job handling it Turkish. 

Let his/their questions be your guide and continue to keep your answers focused on them and their feelings.

You do realize this is your fault for having a smart kid right?   

[Turkish]

Lol.  I could tell her that.  "It's your fault for having a smart kid."

[ForeverDad]

Predictable:  If she hears an observant comment like that she'll retort, "No, your dad cheated."

Some day you will probably have to explain the difference between observation versus allegation.

[Turkish]

I don't think she would turn it around but she might justify it like she did with me.  I'll deal with it if that happens. Our son has a pretty good moral sensibility. 

[Harri]

I don't think she would turn it around but she might justify it like she did with me.  I'll deal with it if that happens. Our son has a pretty good moral sensibility.  

Thanks to you Turkish.  

Well, plus he is smart and innately kind.

[Mutt]

He said that he saw a video during their school program where they said that of you kiss someone else that it's cheating

What course were they teaching? Was it religion? He's too young for sex ed. I agree with everyone else you did good despite being put on the spot like that. I just wanted to point out that he held on to this thought while he saw this video in school  (the morning or the afternoon ) and remembered to tell you later on in the evening. Maybe it's something that's been on his mind.

[Turkish]

It's a secular after school program.  I should have asked about the video but I wanted to back out of the room slowly