Separated from newly wedded wife - Lost in feelings/guilt/resentment

[Sportyman]

It's my first post here... .I found this support group on the book "walking on eggshells". Forgive me for the verbal vomit as I'm highly emotional and on a lack of sleep.

I"ve been going to therapy with my fiance/wifefor 8 months now. Slightly after our mini-moon that went south, my therapist told me my newly wedded wife suffers from BPD. I had no clue what it was and have been consumed in learning, researching, and understanding the symptoms/best methods to approach the dysfunction. Sadly, I think the most difficult thing is my wife is seeing a separate therapist (as our marriage therapist said it would be beneficial to see separate therapists). She is unaware of the diagnosis and has bouts of symptoms that I can see as BPD symptoms however, I cannot point them out to her (defensiveness; feeling abandoned; blaming me for not loving her; manipulating the truth to be against her, feeling unloved).

I won't bore you with too many details but her and I had engaged in an argument two weeks ago. Her father and her got into an argument and her father stated that she had an anger issue and I was right what I've said about her. That enraged her and she called me at work to say I've seeded the idea in everyon'es head and I'm a liar and now I've done indestructible damage. I get home from work and she gives me the silent treatment so I take a nap and then ask her if she wants to eat dinner, she rudely states she does not and has no intent to converse with me as I'm a "liar". At this point I'm not sure what I lied about nor am aware of why her and her father's argument about sofas is of such magnitude. She continues to attack me with slights and then throws our marraige certificate away and says she wnats a divorce. I leave the house; go eat; come home; try to sleep in the same bed but she says a few more mean things to me. I leave the bed and sleep on the couch as at that point I felt it was just safer and more peaceful for me to sleep separately. Only to be awaken at 6am with slamming doors and cabinets to disturb me in my sleep. Clearly taking some space and a night of rest wasn't enough to calm down the bouts of rage.

That morning I take off to work and she messages me about how I'm abusive and that she has lost sight of who she is and doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore; that this is torture; thsi is abuse; this is a prison. She states she cannot be with me anymore and how i've shown her she is worthless and she started to believe she is worthless herself. I don't reply until I get time at work and after my therapy session and state that hey look i think we should talk about this in person but I agree this is abusive and a toxic cycle and not healthy for either of us. I think tis best we take space and she can move her stuff out or i can leave for a week to help her transition (my therapist advised about this and stated to put responsibility back on her). She replied by saying she had a divorce attorney meeting the upcoming monday (it was at the time, a thursday) and she will not make any arrangements without legal advice.

I state ok and leave it at that. I go to yoga and go to watch the game as we are NC (no contact) now and when I come home at 10pm she is crying and asking where I was and why i didn't come home to check on her and why i didnt ask her how therapy went. AT htis point im completely baffled at why am I expected to be doing these acts of kindness when she clearly informed me of not wanting to be together + a divroce attorney meeting. She asks me where I was and I state "it doesn't matter, let's just go to sleep". She reacts in rage and screams to tell her who I was with and where and grabs a KNIFE and puts it to her wrist... .at this point, this is the first time something of THIS MAGNITUDE has taken place. I am terrified; I calm her down, get her to put the knife down. She is crying erratically and finally collapses on the ground. I put the knife away and try talkign to her to calm down and lets just sleep and we can talk in the AM. She continues to cry and scream and spit up saliva and say that I don't care for her and im abusive and i hate her and I'm cold hearted and don't care about our relationship. At this point, I remember my therapist at the time said if things become abusive or out of contorl, it's time to leave. At that point I felt helpess, scared, and stressed. I told my wife i would be pulling in the trash cans and I'll be right back - which at the moment I got in my car and left and stayed at a friends. I felt horrible. I called her mother to tell her to go there immediately and take care of her. I couldn't be in that situation especially with the risk of self-harm or torture and if legally it would fall on my hands. It was the scariest situation I've been in. Thank God she reached out to her mom and told her that "i left her and shes alone and scared and please come be with her". Her and her mom are not close in that regard but it was a miracle to me that she reached out for someone to protect her. Her mom went there and I kept in touch with her mom until she was safe and at home around 1AM.

Long story short - we've separated since that day. I told her to not enter the property without a witness as it is unsafe for me ot be in her presence without a witness. She has gone on a tyraid of messages at me about not taking accountability, abandoning her, or never caring about this relationship. Then the next day it would be about how she is better health-wise and is finding herself to be happier away from this "toxic" relationship; and then the next day I'll get another angry message of how I never take accountability or responsibiltiy for anything and I just want to blame her... when in actuality I've openly stated that at times it is my fault for how I reacted; or that I shouldn't have said x, y, and z. Etc Etc. I've takne full accountability for my fualts in marital therapy as well to no satisfaction to her.

AT this point today she messaged me saying how much she loved me and would have done naything fro me and she wanted a happy marriage and family but i wasn't able to provide her the love that she needed. That I grew up with a love that isn't the same as what she envisioned. I messaged her back saying it isn't about love; we deeply care for one another and there is no question about our commitment and love to one another; however, it is purely based on the risk of these moments of rage/anger. The danger it puts us in; and how detrimental it is to our relationship. It scares me ot be in that situation especially when I can't sleep or have had repeated nightmares of the knife incident or repetition of the yelling in my mind.

I've been consumed in spending at least 1-hr a day reading Walking on eggshells as I find it helpful and it gives me a sense of "understnading my feelings".

Today is tough - I'm hurting; I cried in my car today, I just feel I'm losing a beautiful person and relatinoship, but only when we are good. The worst of our relationship is beyond what most people can imagine. When I've confided in close friends; they cannot believe that I am not fabricating the emotional outbursts or toxicity of our fighting... .

I'm feeling overwhlemed with emotion; I long for her. I want to drrive over to her dad's place (where she is) and just hold her and take away her pain and feel that nurturing love again, but I know deep down it will be temporary, and it will be short-lived until the next episode of anger.

She has gone to individual therapy twice, however, I don't know her plans to continue as we havent' spoken to that extent and she has blocked me on social media; myp hone number; and any contact I can try to get with her.

Hopefully someone can shed some support/light to me... I'm in dire need

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. My DH married his first wife not knowing she was NPD/BPD, and he had many years of a difficult marriage.

Can I ask a few clarifying questions?

How long have you been legally married?

Which therapist gave the BPD diagnosis - the marriage therapist or her individual therapist?

Was the diagnosis of BPD given before you were married? And did your wife know she was BPD before you married?

[Sportyman]

Hi Gagrl,

Thanks for the reply.

We've been legally married for 39 days. Separated since 09/28.

Our couples/marriage therapist diagnosed her with BPD to me individually (when wife was in a downward spiral)

She has only attended 2 individual therapist appointments as the marriage therapist reached a point stating it is essential we seek therapy individually.

My wife has not been told she is BPD and I was not aware of her BPD diagnosis until after the marriage.

[GaGrl]

I asked about the timing of the diagnosis because your wife marrying without disclosing mental illness could be grounds for annulment - not divorce. But that doesn't sound as if it were the case.

What is your intuition telling you should be your next actions?

Do you want to remain married under the circumstances of treated or untreated BpD?

[Sportyman]

 :help:Hi -

sorry I've been focused on keeping busy with work, reading stop walking on egg shells, and trying to reflect since my last post.

@Gagrl -to answer your question; I'm not sure about my intuition, at times, I feel that I've done everything I can and since hse is a uBPDw and will only improve with CBT/DBT then truly it is up to her and it isn'y my responsiblity to wait around hoping for improvement or selfishlessly giving up my life to be "of service to her". The other end is thinking I can "fix" or "heal" this dysfunction and try to find paths to success. I know after reading the book, Ive realized I was a 100% enabler as I just recently discovered what BPD was and how setting boundaries is so essentail to having any type of progress.

Since my last post; I mailed her a letter explaining to her that I am exhibiting self-care to myself, and spending a lot of time rflecting and writing and reading and trying to find methods to heal and improve myself as a person. I hope she can understand and I did tell her I amm open to re-engaging in a healthy pattern if she is willing to. After a few "cyclical arguments" with her and finally me putting my foot down and stating I won't engage in this going further, but if she chooses to re-engage, let me know, then she did and said "ok lets meet". I'm not sure what happened but it ws almost like a click of a switch. Although we did see eachother earlier this week, I can't say it was comfortable, as our conversation was limited and we both had no physical affection towards each other. She was very standoffish and made me feel as if I was the one who created a danger to our well-being. In all fairness, I' know that through her rage and self-harm indicators, she sees all of those as caused by me and she will likely find that it is my fault for all the circumstnaces we are in now.

She messaged me after teh day we had dinner and she stated she doesn't love me anymore and I've broken her and I'm a monster and she felt uncomfortable, etc. I know that the monster/unlove part is a lie but I just ignored it.

Our situation is complex, we're newly married and separated for the last 21 days since the knife incident (see previous post). She hasn't attended her 2 individual therapy sessions (T was out of town and uBPDw car broke down) so I know that hasn't helped anything. For me, I've been attending weekly T sessions and am working through emotions, pain, and just feeling lonely and wishing all fo htis never happened.

I know the hope and dream that she will be "fixed" or I can rescue her is simply... a dream. However, I've read success stories of managing the dysfunction with therapy, spousal control, and also just practicing a lot of the tools the book and this website can provide.

Outside of that I know it is a long and difficult journey with whichever path I choose, problem is, I'm having an extremely difficult time choosing and not even sure what to do anymore.

Seeking support and hoping someone can help direct me to additional tools that I can exhibit.