Do you see your BPD Mom in others?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm so used to abuse from my Mom when a friend acts even a little abusive it affects me greatly. I know everyone even myself is not perfect and people can say mean things. I also have fleas from my Mom teaching me everyone will hate me or is picking on me. I also paint people good and when they let me down I don't paint them black but get really hurt. Even if I respond to someone's post on fb and they don't like my comment but everyone elses I feel slighted and hurt. I know Brene Brown talks about how we all jump to conclusions and make up stories in our minds that people hate us and its not always true. I do this lots because my Mom taught me people hate me and are being mean to me from a very young age. I also learned her hyper vigilance to read the room, which I proud to say I better at but I'm strong at reading people and watching their motives and actions and internalizing pain. This week I got let down bad. It was my 40th birthday. I take classes which is the most healing time of my week and I love them. I especially love my teacher who I know is a few years older than me. She makes the vibe of the class fun and I have wanted a friendship with her forever which has slowly been forming. Most of the other ladies in the class are 20 plus years older. Usually I think bc I'm short and sloppy dressing I get referred to as the "young one." at times. I usually just ignore it because I hate correcting people on my age even when they think I'm older. I don't like being judged on my looks or compared with anyone. Its weird I like to look nice for myself but wish when it came to people judging me on my looks I wish I had an invisibility cloak. I don't want to be told I look good or bad maybe only cute in a sweet way anyone could be called cute. I guess I want out of the rat race of looks and age. Well on my birthday morning I got a text from my teacher. "Happy Birthday! welcome to the 40's club" with a smily face. This made my day! I was surprised she remembered my birthday and had figured out from a much older conversation that I turned 40. Well when I saw her a few days later in class I thanked her and I can't remember exactly how the conversation went exactly but when we started talking about my birthday and I thanked her for the sweet text it came to be that she took some kind of negative delight that I was now 40 and not young anymore according to her. I don't care about being young or not but it let me down that there was maybe a touch of cruelty in her wishes and I felt bad that I was making her feel bad by being called "the young one". I know it is subtle and I will get over it but now I see her in a different light. I get so much of this from my uBPD Mom, family and furture udpd mother in law that when someone who is not abusive takes a bit of a jab at me It crushes me and really lets me down. I see my Mom in them.  I'm sorry I can't remember who but someone on here said when people are nice they go out of their way to do ten more nice things back. That is so true with me too. Maybe its a bit of painting people good and maybe its also we so want healthy love when we get it we do everything we can for the person giving it to us. I know I do and sometimes even want to center my life more around them as a friend. I don't see my teacher as all bad now at all but it made me feel bad about myself and let down. I know it is minor but since this is a theme in my life due to an abusive childhood and abusive people in my life I'm wondering if other people have similar problems and or any advice?

[Star0009]

I'm so used to abuse from my Mom when a friend acts even a little abusive it affects me greatly. I know everyone even myself is not perfect and people can say mean things. I also have fleas from my Mom teaching me everyone will hate me or is picking on me. I also paint people good and when they let me down I don't paint them black but get really hurt. Even if I respond to someone's post on fb and they don't like my comment but everyone elses I feel slighted and hurt. I know Brene Brown talks about how we all jump to conclusions and make up stories in our minds that people hate us and its not always true. I do this lots because my Mom taught me people hate me and are being mean to me from a very young age. I also learned her hyper vigilance to read the room, which I proud to say I better at but I'm strong at reading people and watching their motives and actions and internalizing pain. This week I got let down bad. It was my 40th birthday. I take classes which is the most healing time of my week and I love them. I especially love my teacher who I know is a few years older than me. She makes the vibe of the class fun and I have wanted a friendship with her forever which has slowly been forming. Most of the other ladies in the class are 20 plus years older. Usually I think bc I'm short and sloppy dressing I get referred to as the "young one." at times. I usually just ignore it because I hate correcting people on my age even when they think I'm older. I don't like being judged on my looks or compared with anyone. Its weird I like to look nice for myself but wish when it came to people judging me on my looks I wish I had an invisibility cloak. I don't want to be told I look good or bad maybe only cute in a sweet way anyone could be called cute. I guess I want out of the rat race of looks and age. Well on my birthday morning I got a text from my teacher. "Happy Birthday! welcome to the 40's club" with a smily face. This made my day! I was surprised she remembered my birthday and had figured out from a much older conversation that I turned 40. Well when I saw her a few days later in class I thanked her and I can't remember exactly how the conversation went exactly but when we started talking about my birthday and I thanked her for the sweet text it came to be that she took some kind of negative delight that I was now 40 and not young anymore according to her. I don't care about being young or not but it let me down that there was maybe a touch of cruelty in her wishes and I felt bad that I was making her feel bad by being called "the young one". I know it is subtle and I will get over it but now I see her in a different light. I get so much of this from my uBPD Mom, family and furture udpd mother in law that when someone who is not abusive takes a bit of a jab at me It crushes me and really lets me down. I see my Mom in them.  I'm sorry I can't remember who but someone on here said when people are nice they go out of their way to do ten more nice things back. That is so true with me too. Maybe its a bit of painting people good and maybe its also we so want healthy love when we get it we do everything we can for the person giving it to us. I know I do and sometimes even want to center my life more around them as a friend. I don't see my teacher as all bad now at all but it made me feel bad about myself and let down. I know it is minor but since this is a theme in my life due to an abusive childhood and abusive people in my life I'm wondering if other people have similar problems and or any advice?

[Harri]

Hi Star!  Happy belated birthday!   40 is a big one for some people.  

          

I used to see my mom all over the place and in all sorts of things people said and did.  I think it is common with us here on the board.  It seemed to happen more as I was becoming more aware of my past and how bad it was, trying to make sense of things.  It got better over time.

It sounds to me like you are being triggered by things you see today but that remind you of your mother (I know... .I just said the obvious... .work with me here!)  That too is a normal part of healing and is something you can turn around and work with and make into a positive.  It takes time and some practice though.  I used to tell myself (still do really) that triggers are helpful in that they let me know where I should focus my healing efforts.  They let me know I still have some work to do.

It is good that you are not hating your teacher.  Chances are what she said had nothing to do with you though even though the feelings were similar to what you experienced with your mother.  Very few things that people say are actually about us but have more to do with them.  

The good thing about all the things your mother taught you, all those false beliefs, is that if you learned them you can learn new behaviors and gain new ways of looking at things.  Maybe you are right and you did have this teacher built up too high in your mind or maybe it was something else.   Maybe she does have a weird thing about age... .or maybe not.  You can still value her like you do and still take pleasure in the fact that she remembered your birthday and sent you a text.  Take the kindness and see how things go now that you see this potential other side of her.  It is all about learning and balance.

Turn this experience around and learn to separate you from other people.  Even if she did mean that she was happy you are now 'old' (or whatever she said) you do not have to internalize it.  

After your childhood it makes sense that you will see abuse everywhere and have the same sort of reactions to it when it does happen.  You can learn new ways by opening yourself up to different perspectives and learning that other people are entitled to their feelings thoughts and beliefs but they do not have to reflect on you.

Does that make sense?

[Turkish]

I turn 47 this month so welcome to the cool kids' club 

Personally, I don't celebrate birthdays or buy into such milestones. For me it might be,  "I don't want the attention." Deeper, maybe,  "I don't want people acknowledging my value because on an emotional level I don't believe them."

Comments like she made I think are made innocuously, maybe with a little bit of "welcome, fellow sufferer!" Likely not in all cases,  but maybe in a few.  This is a fairly normal interaction. 

It might be hard to dismiss the latter (about them), while accepting the former... .as normal banter, given how you grew up being invalidated as a person and still struggling with navigating what's healthy and what's not. 

I started my career when I was 20. For a few years I got the "you're so young! You're a kid!" By colleagues much older than me.  It really bugged me,  and I'll admit it kind of hurt.  I think that one,  it was just normal banter; but,  two, it was also more about them than me. 

[Star0009]

Hi
Thanks guys. I think it was more like welcome to the club and I took it wrong. I have a bunch of friends turning 40 on social media and this is the general response. I think it was more my own issues. Worrying women I care about will be mean like my Mom, people seeing me being 40 as a bad thing when I see it as a fresh start. I think losing my whole childhood and being a mini adult makes it hard to be cast now into full adulthood though my childhood was so traumatic I like being an adult better. Last the funniest thing everyone keeps asking who knows me "who am I talking too? is my own midlife crisis with clothes which relates to my childhood. I read after 40 you are not supposed to dress certain ways. I don't want to look like a women being a kid and I don't dress super youthful but I have certain thinks like converse which literally make me feel safe. I wear my clothes like armor. My sister found it funny as my Mom was going bonkers last time I saw her and I was re telling the story how she let the dog out at night so it might get hit by a car and I had to chase him while she said she didn't care and went inside. I finally cornered him in a neighbors gated yard where I sat there with him for an hour even tempted to give him to a friend to get him away from her. she would just think he ran off on her watch but she finally found us and came charging towards us wearing my jacket. I try to keep cool but this was what finally set me over the edge after tons of crazy antics from her for 48 hours. I was like "TAKE OFF MY JACKET". My jacket is most like a part of me and my protection. She has no boundaries and wants us to be one person. She was like "I can't wear your jacket?" then at like 12 at night after I already had the dog trapped she threatened to open the gate and let him run lose again. Bottom line I think I feared since everyone else put me in a new box at 40 including how I dress I would lose some of my identity and sense of protection and comfort in this world I get from how I dress. Again I don't dress super outrageous but not all of my clothes make it on the what you are allowed to wear after 40 list on the internet but after watching many women and thinking it over myself its nonsense and I don't feel like changing anytime soon. So yeah it was on me but maybe others on here have similar things like this going on with them with getting older and growing up with a bad childhood.

[JNChell]

Hello again, Star0009. I had to chime in! I’ll be 42 on the 25th. I’ll also be celebrating my Bday in my T’s office. S3’s mom doesn’t see any reason that I should be spending that day with him. So the story goes.

To answer your question, yes. I saw my mother in S3’s mother. Mostly through her raging and the awful things that she would say. This was, at the very least, a weekly occurrence with my mother and eventually the same with my ex.

even a little abusive it affects me greatly

Abuse is abuse and it conditions us. I think that you’re making progress in realizing this. Big or small, abuse is not ok and we’re right to reject it.

I wish I had an invisibility cloak.

Harry Potter fan? I’m a huge fan. I don’t think that I need to explain why.

I get so much of this from my uBPD Mom

I’m sorry about this, Star0009.  Do you ever wonder if it might be possible that your mom has such a mental hold on you that you may tend to see most of your life from the perspective that she has forced on you? Our disordered parents are masters at conditioning the innocent. Us. Is this a possibility in your situation?

we so want healthy love when we get it we do everything we can for the person giving it to us.

I don’t think that I’m the only one that hear’s this loud and clear here. This is the very thing that landed so many of us here. But, what was cloaked in invisibility was that love being healthy. On both sides.

When we’re starved, we’ll eat anything with caloric value. We just want the feelings of fullness in our bellies and for the shakes of malnourishment to subside. You and me, we’re emotionally hungry, but a poor diet isn’t a healthy diet. It’s a simple hunger fix.

I’m glad to see you posting again. I follow your writings and I hope the frequency picks up as you find more comfort here. Your story helps us too, Star0009. Thanks for having the courage to share.

[Ela2011]

Hi Star.  I just turned 66 last week, and I have to admit that I don't know what that means in terms of fashion or behavior. It's a lot of work just learning to be me! 

There are definitely some bells that went off when you were talking about your Mom's impact on you, and I'd like to share what I've learned about me in that regard. BTW, my Mom is 89 and still stirring the ant hill frequently.  First, I often catch myself being hypersensitive and suspicious and critical just like Mom--she was my first and most important teacher. And I believe that the environment in my home taught me to "read" vibes or look closely for intentions, just out of self-preservation. And I still do that with people from time to time, when I don't really need to. That's the scaredy cat kid still part of me.

 I have worked at putting a few reminders and affirmations on "auto-pilot" to keep me from jumping to conclusions about folks. It seems to work for me, most of the time. I also used to cut people off (black and white thinking, splitting and the silent treatment) very quickly, just like Mom did. I now have a rule where I suspend judgement for 48 hours, and I take the other person's words and behaviors at face value until proven otherwise.

With all female siblings and a Mom who raided closets, I also tend to have pretty strict boundaries about my clothes! But because of some neglect issues, I also like to wear big heavy sweaters and coats.  Not like I have any great wisdom for my advanced age, LOL, but lots of years of therapy and group work. And I have to say that for me, it's not so much that I necessarily see Mom in other people, as I see myself still looking at others the way she does. That, and yes, for some reason I still find myself attracted to people who are not healthy and may have BPD/NPD traits. I think that's what I was used to, kind of like invisible sub-titles or pheremones or something, and it still seems comfortable, or at least familiar.

Good conversation! Thanks!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Star0009, 

I'd like to join the others and welcome you! So glad you found us and that you are sharing. Thank you! 

I think it was more like welcome to the club and I took it wrong.

I can understand where you are coming from, but I would like to re-word this, only because I have lived my life feeling WRONG so much of the time after growing up with a uBPDm. It seems to me that you took it the way you learned, to be careful and wary and unsure. Not wrong. You learned from your mom, perhaps like I did, that a teasing comment might mean shame or dislike of who you are. Unfortunately for those of us growing up with a BPD parent, we had to examine every thing they said and keep our guard up. You are merely doing that because it is so much a part of you. How often I would begin to open up and trust and then feel remorse when something happened like you shared. My opening up to them and then being hurt caused me to want to slam the door shut and never be vulnerable again. Yet my heart's desire to be loved for who I was would win out, and I would try again. It can be such a merry-go-round! I think I hear you saying that you want to get off. 


You are not alone in the struggle with clothes and what to wear. I remember the day when I suddenly realized that even my clothing choices were influenced by my uBPDm! She dressed dramatic, and I stayed plain with my choices because I wanted to hide and not be seen, whereas she wanted everyone to notice her. How difficult it must be for you to see your mom wearing your clothes, as if she cannot see you as a person but the same as her. Do you think she sees you as herself with little difference between you, that she wants to be you?

 
Wools

[Fie]

Hi Star0009,


Yes, I also relate.
I used to see/hear my mum everywhere. I recognize what you are saying about painting black / white. I am also severe with people sometimes because of that, and oftentimes I have to tell myself 'Come on, they didn't mean it like that'.  I used to read into people's words a lot more than I do now - I have gotten a little better, with a lot of hard work. I still am a bit sensitive about what people say... .So yes, my mum has had (and still has) a big impact.

I also used to hear my father criticize me a lot in my own head.  Really a lot. That has gotten a lot better, too.

You are saying there is supposed to be a certain dress code for women after 40. Do not believe a word of that !  :-)  I am 39, turning 40 soon. I am not planning to adjust anything. I wear a lot of colors, sometimes I wear short skirts and tight things. Just whatever I feel good in. There is not a good reason not to. Please just wear whatever you feel good in.