I try to support, get accused of cheating.

[Local_Boogeyman]

My dBPDw started a new business a few months ago, and I couldn't be more supportive of it. I've funded the entire venture despite our tight budget, kept/keep her positive in those times of doubt, increased my household and childcare duties at home after work so she focus on the business, and I even work on the weekends for her when needed. I'm just painting a picture here.

The other day, her business was officially accepted by a business review site. I was super happy for her as I know it was something she really wanted. So, I jumped on the site, wrote a review of her business. The next day, I received a text, "Hey, do you know a girl named ______?" I replied, "No, who's _____?" At which point I called her because I had a feeling I knew where this was going, but I didn't know where it was coming from. She didn't pick up, but texted back, "I asked you first."

Now, I know tone can be a tricky thing to decipher via text, so I called again. This time she picked up. I asked her who this girl is and she responded with, "you tell me." Again, I am completely in the dark, I have no idea what's happening.

I ask her what's going on, and she proceeds to tell me that a girl named _____ had marked my review of her business as "useful". I guess prior to asking me who she was, w did some digging and found this girl is new to the review site, lives in the same city as us (we live in one of the largest cities in the country, in the largest borough) only has a few "friends" on it, and didn't have any other indicators of interacting with any other businesses. All this was said in an accusatory tone and I could tell from her cadence, she was pretty amped up but trying to trying to keep it under control. I knew where she was going with this, as I am constantly on the receiving end of cheating accusations, insinuations, and under the breath quips. For the record, I've never cheated, but she has carried out 3 inappropriate online relationships complete with sexting and such in the past 4 years that I know of.

I told her, I don't know who that person is, they probably just just stumbled on it as a recommendation via the site, that's the site's M.O. She responded that her business is too new and it's only my review up there and there's no possible way it could have come up as a recommendation. Honestly, I have no idea about the site's recommendation algorithm, and neither does she, but as we all know, logic does not frequent these conversations much. But to her, all her reasons she mentioned, the new business, the girl being new to the site, and she lives in the same place we do (and the business is located), and apparently "no possible way" it could have been a recommended business, all add up to I know this girl and am keeping it from her.

I responded as calmly as I could (these constant arguments and accusations are a real trigger for me), that I was not to to argue about this (I'm done with fighting), that I didn't know who that person was and there's not much more I can say, I don't really know what I can do about it. She said, "you can tell me the truth." I told her I am, and said that I'm a little frustrated and offended that you came to that conclusion. She then got upset and said I was manipulating the conversation. It was apparent then this conversation was going to go nowhere but to an even angrier place, so we got off the phone and didn't speak again until I got home. Once home, there was no mention of what happened, but conversation was minimal, cordial but there was a lot of tension (naturally).

I know that I'm not cheating, I know I'm not having a single inappropriate or even borderline inappropriate relationship with anyone online or in real life. In fact, I have altered my life in an attempt to minimize these issues, I keep my distance from female co-workers (I work in a friendly environment so my behavior comes across very stand offish), I have nearly zero social media presence, and constantly worry that if I'm 5 minutes late coming home (or leave the house 5 minutes early), I'll get the side eye, the interrogation, and awkwardness that follows. I pretty much have only one friend left, he lives 5 minutes away, I haven't seen him in about a year because making plans to hang out always leads to one accusation or another when I get home.  

I know I probably shouldn't get riled up or offended when these things pop up, but I really can't help it, and I can't help thinking about the hypocrisy of it all. In the past, I've done all the wrong things when unfairly accused, now I try to handle it calmly on the outside. I need to work on the inside part.

As much as I'm accused and questioned, and as baseless and reaching as they can be, you'd think I'd be able to let it roll off me a little easier. I know this is her issue to deal with and I can't fix it, but the reaching effects of her issues have pretty tight grip on me.

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi Local_Boogeyman, your situation sounds so frustrating, and so familiar. I am also on 99% house and child detail to support my wife's new career. So it hurts even more to be attacked for this sort of thing.

How would you rate the emotional results of spending a night out with your friend (connection, relaxation, fun) against your predicted outcomes (suspicion, conversations like the one you posted above)? I have also given up on things I would have enjoyed to prevent conflict.

What do you think if you took a photo of you and your friend when you were together and sent it to her? It's a ridiculous thing to have to do but it might get her off your case.  

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Iowa32]

This situation sounds all too familiar for me as well. I have altered my life and passed on things I enjoy doing as a means to avoid conflict. We have young children, so most of my free time is spent with them these days, but of course, they won't be young forever.

Because of that, I am realizing that it's not a long-term solution. I'm new here and still learning different skills, but setting boundaries and being OK with doing completely normal things and interacting with people is important. This has caused two outbursts just this week as I try to deploy this new way of enforcing boundaries, but I'm trying to stay strong. It's hard, but I have to start somewhere. Trying to think of this as a long-term play because clearly it's not producing any positive short-term results.

I respectfully disagree with RolandOfEld's advice to send a photo of you and your friend together. Desperate efforts to provide "proof" will only be turned upside down. If she asks, sure go ahead and send a photo, but "see, look, you have nothing to worry about!" is destined for failure.

[CrispyTofu]

I'm constantly surprised by how often I'll read something on this board and say 'this sounds like my life'!

Well, I can relate 100% to what you're going through with regard to suspicions and removing your own social life just to keep the peace.
I too get the accusations when I'm 15minutes late from work. I have deleted my online social media presence because I too have been asked 'who is this that liked your post'. I've even changed jobs to avoid accusations of an affair with a co-worker. So today when I get those kinds of accusations it really stings because it makes me think of all the things I've done to bend over backwards to 'show' that its not true.

While I'm just learning the tools to deal with all of this, I can say that any of my previous attempts and making my time out with friends 'ok' by showing pictures or any other proof, usually just backfires and gets twisted into some other commentary on my 'bachelor' life.

The more I read here and in other places  about how to cope with this, the more I realize its really about managing my own feelings and behaviors. I have historically and even just recently succumbed to the fears and accusations from my significant other and have changed plans  to visit my friends because I didn't feel like dealing with the consequences ... I know I shouldn't do this because it only encourages the behavior I don't want. But it is very very hard to chose to confront the consequences head on.
That for me is fear. I'm afraid of dealing with a triggered wife. What I'm hoping to learn is how to deal with that piece of it, and start to enforce my own boundaries.

Now its unlikely that I'm going to go out and hang out with my friends at every opportunity or create social media presence on every outlet. But I plan on picking my battles carefully and start to push back and carve out a social life again. Baby steps for me here.

You're in the right place. My short time here has brought a lot of insight into my own situation. I hope having folks in the same boat brings you some comfort as it has to me.

[Local_Boogeyman]

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for replying. I've done the photo thing in the past when working overtime at work and going out, it backfired every time. But on the other hand when I don't do it, I get texts that sort seem like they're fishing for info or looking to "catch me" in a lie or something. In a situation like this, no one wins, She's convinced of my cheating or hiding something (which probably stems from guilt of her past indiscretions and feelings of low self worth) which is dark place to be, and me being on the receiving end of it, having done nothing wrong but dealing with the fallout of her issues. When things arise where I do need to be out of the house outside of my normal routine, I legitimately sit and weigh out cost versus benefit. Whether it's accepting OT at work (which we need) or going out with a friend, Will the constant texts of fishing for info and updates on everything the kids are doing and the occasional catastrophe which requires me to be on the phone for hours be worth the benefit extra money or "relaxing" or "having fun" with a friend. Plus, add whatever gets thrown my way when I get home. Honestly, it's almost never worth it.

I also take a lot of pleasure in hanging out with my kids, but like Iowa32, it's not long term solution.

I know the accusations won't stop, and I don't expect them to. I have already altered my life in countless ways, taken on so much more work at home and with our children, and deal with the frustrations of BPD daily that I don't expect much except more of the same. All of the skills that can be taught to the BPD via DBT and the non are super helpful for be sure and they are excellent tools to have and master, but let's face it, it never truly goes away. The threat looms and that BPD shadow always seems to be peering out from somewhere, ready to pounce.

Full disclosure: On Friday, I was on the receiving end of a cryfest depression/angry meltdown that lasted until last night from my BPDw. So many of us have been there and it's such a chaotic place to be but I think I learned something from it. I'm becoming numb to it. I'm sympathetic to her feelings because I understand that what she's going through is very scary and I would like to calmly help through it, but attacks on me and gaslighting are starting to fall on deaf ears.   

[RolandOfEld]

When things arise where I do need to be out of the house outside of my normal routine, I legitimately sit and weigh out cost versus benefit. Whether it's accepting OT at work (which we need) or going out with a friend, Will the constant texts of fishing for info and updates on everything the kids are doing and the occasional catastrophe which requires me to be on the phone for hours be worth the benefit extra money or "relaxing" or "having fun" with a friend. Plus, add whatever gets thrown my way when I get home. Honestly, it's almost never worth it.

I also take a lot of pleasure in hanging out with my kids, but like Iowa32, it's not long term solution.

I know the accusations won't stop, and I don't expect them to. I have already altered my life in countless ways, taken on so much more work at home and with our children, and deal with the frustrations of BPD daily that I don't expect much except more of the same. All of the skills that can be taught to the BPD via DBT and the non are super helpful for be sure and they are excellent tools to have and master, but let's face it, it never truly goes away. The threat looms and that BPD shadow always seems to be peering out from somewhere, ready to pounce.

Hi LB, I just have to say, wow. You summed up so much of my life and experience with BPD in one post. Especially the part about considering a night out / OT and what you come home to. My wife can go out, get black out drunk, come home, have me take care of her, then sleep away the whole next day because you know I'm not going to dare say anything about it. But if I go out, I'm concerned about getting even a little tipsy because I will still be on full childcare from 6 am on (not counting the usual 3 am wakeup) and there is no rest in my near future.

When people talk about going on mountain hikes or getting to the gym everyday or leaving their kids with grandparents and going out, it seems like a different universe to me. But that used to be me.

Sorry I have no great insights here but I am with you here 100% and thanks for starting this post.

~ROE

[Zinnia21]

So familiar for me too, the accusations and suspicion. What I find hurts my brain so much is trying to go between the two versions of him.
One is the partner who’s having a sane week, or even a sane month, and can reflect on the fact that I’m not involved with anyone else and that nothing secret is going on. At this point he can keep the worries at bay with at least a small measure of logic and reason.
The other version is the triggered one, who can’t be told the actual truth, for the truth is just lies and coverups to the ‘real truth’ that’s going on (apparently!) No logic or reassurance helps at those times.

And having your efforts and love under rated is painful. When you’ve been so supportive.

I find the accusations often commence again when he is going through a stressful time. It is sometimes the overflow of his existing stress. Perhaps your partner was somehow triggered by the business gaining attention. But as you say it was also the social media comment that sparked suspicion. Combination of the two things perhaps... ?

All I know is that in the past I used to beg and grovel to be believed that I was an honest partner. Now I kind of scoff! And don’t defend myself much. I mostly just remind him that his comments are unfair and hurtful and that I won’t discuss any of the accusations further until his state of mind is better again.

Personally I do go out with friends and have a social life, as we don’t live together.
funnily enough I know which things he’s storing up for future accusations. Like I’ll be at my friends bar, and I tell him that’s where I’ve been for the night, and he might not say anything at the time, but I know in about a week from now it’ll be - “and so what did you get up to at the bar... ?” And “you must have men queuing up there... ” etc.
But I figure that I’d get the accusations regardless of my actions, so I just kind of do stuff, knowing it will haunt me, but I do it anyway.
As the result is about the same... .