Lying to prevent fights

[5min]

So one of the things I have done over the years (long before I knew about BPD) to prevent fights is lie. So this is a hard habit to break. How have others broken this habit?

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[allienoah]

Hi there!
I too engaged-and to a degree still do!-in this behavior. It is a defense mechanism to avoid the onslaught of rage that will occur once our pwBPD hears something they don't want to hear. Walking on eggshells, candy coating the truth, omission of facts-you name it I have done it. I am learning that it only creates more anxiety for me. While it is very difficult to deal with the rage, I am finding it easier to just deliver the truth. Now don't get me wrong, I still do it occasionally when I am so stressed about his reaction to whatever that I make myself sick. It actually takes conscious practice to get out of this habit. Part of the problem too is that they accuse you of lying all the time and in a way they are right.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi 5min, you could pretty much zerox everything allienoah said into my post. These days I try to keep it honest when asked but don't actively bring up details that could bring me pain and aren't essential to know.

~RolandOfEld

[BetterLanes]

Hi 5min,

+1 from me! I don't lie at all to other people except for standard social withholding of things that ought not to be said with your level of relationship to that person / in that context (and I'm bad at this even). Also of course "Fine thanks" in answer to "How are you"! With my H though I normally don't even think first about what is the true answer to the question, I just skip straight over to working out what is the answer I think he wants/needs to hear. Then I run it through the filter of "Am I morally okay with saying this?" To which the answer is usually "Yes" because as allienoah says it's a defense mechanism. Giving this answer will keep me safe. If the answer is "No", which it increasingly has been lately, I'll say nothing (if he lets me) or try to deflect the question some other way. I know this pattern is not okay, and one of my H's key values is that he hates to be lied to, so it's storing up trouble. Hopefully this pattern can change as my H gets some more resilience through therapy. Maybe this post (and yours above) is the first step to breaking the habit, that is to acknowledge it is a negative habit that needs to be broken.

BetterLanes x

[allienoah]

One of the things I have found helpful is to go through what bad reaction I imagine he will have before I actually tell him. And then consciously stop myself from JADE-ing once it is out of my mouth. The typical reaction is that he will explode, accuse me of "living my own life without him" ie-making a decision without him. Then he will throw insult after insult at me... .then break up with me. At this point he would hang up on me, refuse to answer calls and send me lengthy texts about how I have lied, disappointed him-blah blah blah--then reach out a bit later and we rinse and repeat. So you may ask why I continue in this ridiculous cycle? that my friends is the question of the decade.
However the point is, if you are prepared for the reaction, telling the "brutal" truth is much better. Then you can look in the mirror and feel your strength come back to you as opposed to feeling sketchy and helpless.

[5min]

Thanks to all of you. I am caught up in trying to prevent the next rage and in so lying, I create an event down the road. There is a huge one going on now on the heals of a rage session in which she smashed a door with a bat and slaps herself. I don't get that. The "living my own life" rings so close to what my udBPDw says.

As for rinse and repeat, I can relate and see for me it is FOG and maybe codependency or being just not sure how to break off 12 years of marriage with out ending up in the hospital or worse.