Mom exhibits traits of BPD. What now?

[too-bubbly]

Hi. I have no idea what I'm really searching for by joining this community.

I discovered about two years ago that my mother has, for as long as I can remember, exhibited many key signs of borderline disorder. She absolutely has the emotional coping mechanisms of a young child. Living her was a daily game of walking on eggshells, and I always lost. She would act like my best friend, then suddenly accuse me of stealing money, or hating her, or trying to secretly turn my dad against her.  I remember having a panic attack when I was reading about BPD for the first time in 2016 because I realized that maybe I wasn't as crazy as I thought I was  to feel like something was very, very wrong with my family dynamic.

2 years and 3,000 miles of distance between us later,  I'm finally in therapy with a professional who is validating the horribly traumatic feelings I have around my relationship with her. I feel really embarrassed and ashamed coming forward about all of this. I'm terrified of what she would think if she knew I am beginning to see much of how she treated me as abuse. I love her, but I don't trust her. I want her in my life when things are good, but I sometimes feel a sense of relief when I imagine what it will be like when she is no longer on this earth - followed, naturally, by an immense burden of guilt.

I want to break the cycle. I don't want to feel so emotionally invested in her. I need to be emotionally invested in myself first. I want to learn more compassion for her, and also for myself and what I've endured. I'm afraid to visit home because I know she'll be offended if I don't stay under her roof, , yet staying with her will inevitably end in screaming fights about seemingly nothing, endless blame games, and utter chaos.

I feel like this is so much information... .And yet I didn't even touch on half of it. Am I doing this right?

[Harri]

Hi too-bubbly.  Love the name!  Welcome to the site!  You are doing this right.  Just post, tell us what is going on and share what you feel comfortable sharing.  I am glad you found us.  You are not alone. 

I want to break the cycle. I don't want to feel so emotionally invested in her. I need to be emotionally invested in myself first. I want to learn more compassion for her, and also for myself and what I've endured. I'm afraid to visit home because I know she'll be offended if I don't stay under her roof, , yet staying with her will inevitably end in screaming fights about seemingly nothing, endless blame games, and utter chaos.

We can help you with all of this.  Many of us have already been through this and others are just finding their way and even more are somewhere in the middle of it all.  We work together and listen and support each other here. 

Breaking away emotionally and separating can be a challenge and very hard but it can be done.  It is extremely rewarding to finally find your own ground to stand upon.  I am glad you are in therapy.  You can do a lot of work here on your own or work that compliments what goes on in therapy.  I do a bit of both.  For a while I was unable to go to therapy and this place was my lifeline and support system.  it was, and still is, wonderful.

You mentioned a father.  How is your relationship with him?  Do you have any siblings? 

I remember having a panic attack when I was reading about BPD for the first time in 2016 because I realized that maybe I wasn't as crazy as I thought I was  to feel like something was very, very wrong with my family dynamic.

You are not crazy, at least not about this!  This is not an uncommon feeling.  The realization can be both panic inducing and freeing.

Again, welcome.  I hope you continue to post and feel free to jump in other threads we have going on here. 

[too-bubbly]

Thank you SO much for your response and your warm, reassuring welcome, Harri! I think I'm in the right place, then. It feels good to know that others are dealing with the same situations, and that there are both others who are in the same spot as me as well as people like you who have come a long way through therapy, this community, and general personal growth. It's so amazing to hear that these boards were there for you when therapy wasn't an option.

You mentioned a father.  How is your relationship with him?  Do you have any siblings? 

My relationship with my father is very strained, and I feel that a lot of that has to do with my mom. She seems very jealous of any one-on-one attention he gives me, and she always has to be present if he and I ever hang out or talk on the phone - a rare occurrence that has only happened a handful of times in my life. I feel like he and I have a lot in common, but for some reason he shuts down. Whenever my mom and I would escalate to screaming fights, he would just leave the room, and sometimes the house. He didn't say anything, and if he tried to defend me, my mom would totally lose her mind.

I have one half sister. She is my father's child from a previous marriage, and she is 17 years older than me. She was not raised by my parents. She was raised by her grandmother (her mom's mom) due to her mom losing custody of her was a result of drug problems. My mom convinced my dad to move back to Wisconsin to be close to her family around the time that this custody battle was going on. It's not like he wasn't an option for becoming her guardian... .It's always bothered me that they almost seem to have abandoned her. I hate how nobody talks about it though. Everything gets sugarcoated in my family. There are no issues, if you ask my parents!

My relationship with my sister brings me a lot of anxiety because I wish to be close to her, but every offer I make to connect with her is basically rebuffed. It's a complicated dynamic. My sister always sends my mom really kind holiday cards that suggest maybe she likes her? I can't really tell. It's a big guessing game of everyone's feelings.

[Harri]

Hi again!

Thanks for sharing more of your story.  It helps to understand, as much as we can, so we can talk with you.  It is not uncommon for many of our fathers/non-parents to do exactly what your father did:  leave or avoid and shut down.  It is also common for the disordered parent to be jealous of any relationship with the non-parent.  Some of us, myself included, have a harder time processing our non-parents part in the dysfunction than our disordered parent. 

It sounds like your family is pretty closed off emotionally.  That makes communication even harder.  The communication tools we have here work in all relationships and you may find them useful in communicating with both your father and half sister.  You might find this article which has several links within it, useful.
Topic: 1.15 | Communicate - Listen and Be Heard If you have any questions, ask and if you are not interested in the article that is okay too!    We are here to listen and support.