Love and emotional intimacy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I learned in therapy last week that I may be confused about love and emotional intimacy.  If a relationship feels like a close one to me, then I view it as loving whether it's loving or not.

Anyone else out there feel confused about the difference between love and intimacy?  I get  intellectually that there is a lot of overlap, that loving relationships are very often intimate, and that not all intimate relationships are loving.  But emotionally I feel confused. 

[Insom]

I learned in therapy last week that I may be confused about love and emotional intimacy.  If a relationship feels like a close one to me, then I view it as loving whether it's loving or not.

Anyone else out there feel confused about the difference between love and intimacy?  I get  intellectually that there is a lot of overlap, that loving relationships are very often intimate, and that not all intimate relationships are loving.  But emotionally I feel confused. 

[Harley Quinn]

What a great topic Insom! 

I would agree that there is a lot of overlap and I'm really interested to hear what others think on this as I suspect that I have also been emotionally confused between the two.  Can you give us an example of when you have found yourself in this situation?

Love and light x

[schwing]

I learned in therapy last week that I may be confused about love and emotional intimacy.  If a relationship feels like a close one to me, then I view it as loving whether it's loving or not.

Anyone else out there feel confused about the difference between love and intimacy?  I get  intellectually that there is a lot of overlap, that loving relationships are very often intimate, and that not all intimate relationships are loving.  But emotionally I feel confused. 

I'll talk about my experience and maybe some of that might resonate with you, but also maybe not so much.

I was (am?) confused about love and emotional intimacy.  How could I not be growing up with two disordered parents.  What I registered as "love and intimacy" was really what was familiar and comfortable in the dysfunctional dynamic of my family.  Triangulation.  Emotional projection and identification.  Putting the emotional welfare of the other person ahead of my own. etc... I consciously knew my family was not typical, I just chalked up most of it to cultural or generational differences and never really looked deeply into the dysfunction.

When I started becoming interested in romantic/physical relationships, I was guided by my feelings.  Whenever someone was interested in me, but interacted with me in a way that was not familiar or comfortable, that freaked me out.  I probably passed up on what might have been good learning experiences -- I might have learned a thing or two about other people's notions of "love and intimacy" and that would have only have improved my understanding.  But instead, I followed my heart.  And my heart led me through fire and pain. And those thoroughly unpleasant experiences eventually woke me up. 

I mean, before I was a hopeless case.  I hid behind notions of the romantic and chased the illusions of love that were presented to me in popular culture... .love at first sight... .love conquers all... .the heart wants what the hearts wants... .  Moreover, growing up with two emotionally immature parents, I had a lot of growing up myself.  I didn't really know myself as a young adult.

And it wasn't until I realized that my dating "instincts" were utterly failing me in my effort to find some kind of happiness through courtship.  I had to accept that my instincts where a product of my upbringing and conditioning, and I needed to "re-learn" what I registered as love and intimacy which meant doing things that didn't come easy, overcoming fear and anxiety in order to avoid the hell of the familiar.

I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[heartandwhole]

I, too, am looking forward to insights from other members on this topic. I certainly can relate to what schwing wrote above.

I've lately characterized my confusion as between love and need, because I think some of my FOO dynamics conflated the two, but intimacy is something I've often (always?) said I wanted and wasn't getting in my relationships. I was self-aware enough to figure out that I was probably not giving what I was saying I wasn't getting, but the core of the issue is probably confusion about what healthy emotional intimacy really IS.

I used to be a "romantic," and now I think I might run fast and far if I was offered the kind of relationship that I used to think I wanted   

So, there may has been some growth and change on my part, but I'm very interested to hear your perspective, Insom, and the perspectives of others on this.

heartandwhole

[zachira]

Insom,
You hit the nail on the head when you talk about confusing love and emotional intimacy. For most women, emotional connection and the empathy from a partner is far more important than a superficial connection based on passion and sex. True connection takes times to establish and can turn into love as we learn more about how to stay connected to our partner in healthy ways. We women are very affected by words, and some men say things that they know will get a woman sexually and emotionally into them, when the truth is the man is only interested in using a woman to get his own needs met. (There are bad women out there that give men the best sex they have ever had to get them hooked so this is not a condemnation of men, and there are many fine men out there, though most of them are naturally taken.) We women often invent a whole love story from the get go which may or may not be based on what is really going on. The important thing is to slow down, and really observe what is going on between you and a man. This can be hard as we all wish he would be the man we are hoping for. I have found that true love is based on really loving a person for so many things, that the negatives easily cancel out because there are so many great reasons to love this person.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Insom, I recently dated a woman for almost two years.  She was warm and affectionate physically, yet quite distant emotionally.    I let her know how much I cared about her, but she carefully guarded her feelings towards me.  I assumed that, as time went on, she would become more comfortable in our r/s and let her guard down, but it didn't play out that way.

After we parted ways, I was scratching my head, trying to reconcile her physical affection with her emotional distance.  I walked around for months, thoroughly confused.  It finally dawned on me one day that, although our r/s was intimate, her heart wasn't in it.  So I would agree w/you that, based on my recent experience, "not all intimate relationships are loving."

LJ

[Insom]

Thanks for the great feedback and comments, everyone.

While I am lucky to be in a happy marriage that feels close and loving I'm not sure I understand what love is outside that context.  Being in therapy has raised many questions for me.  (T has suggested I was the scapegoated child in a narcissistic family system.)  Was I loved as a kiddo?  I know I felt important.  Needed.  Today, some of those familial relationships feel close.  Others feel distant.  Are they loving?  What is does it mean to be part of an extended family with people I feel intimately tied to and distant from at the same time?  What are my responsibilities?   Really confused about this and trying to understand.

The more I process this stuff the more I'm able to let others in.  Each new relationship raises questions about love and intimacy.  What do I yearn for in relationships?  Love or intimacy?  Both?  What do I need to feel fulfilled and whole?

Years ago, as a much younger person and during a stressful period in my life, a friend of my husband's invited us to his home for a meal.  I remember I was struggling to perform at a high-pressure job with a social dynamic that felt very familiar/family-like (not super-supportive).  Anyway, I arrived at the dinner feeling anxious with my head full of work notes and deadlines.  The meal was a simple one, lovingly prepared by my husband's friend's wife with whom I was acquainted but not close.  Something about this gesture of friendship - a simple meal lovingly prepared and presented - moved me so very deeply.  I remember feeling on the cusp of tears because I was aware of being cared for in a loving way by people with whom I was acquainted by not intimate without expectation of payment or return.

More recently, I'm fortunate to have a teacher and mentor who is an exceptional healer.  The relationship has strong boundaries and feels safe.  (We don't interact outside the classroom.) In a recent class he singled me out for special attention which in the moment felt mortifying, but today I see as a deliberate act of healing kindness that reminds me of what I experienced with my friend who made the dinner.  What is this feeling?