Just left unexpectedly

[Harri]

Boogs, taking some time and space is okay.  It is important to take care of you and part of that is figuring out where you fall within the relationship.  Figuring out what you want.

I think your plan to keep things light is a good one.  No expectations is okay but maybe focus on realistic expectations.  That is why i reminded you of that article I first gave you.  I know you are concerned about him and want to help but you need to be concerned for yourself as well.  I know I keep saying that but it is so important and will be whether he stays as he is now or returns or gets help.  You matter too.

Part of good self care is having a support network so keep reaching out here but I think you need to build up some support with others here as well.  What do you think?  It is comforting to see you are not alone and often it is helpful to help others in a similar situation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[boogs152]

Part of good self care is having a support network so keep reaching out here but I think you need to build up some support with others here as well.  What do you think?  It is comforting to see you are not alone and often it is helpful to help others in a similar situation.




I think I understand.


This is all such new territory.

Thanks Harri

[Harri]

Aww boogs    You are so welcome. 

It is new territory but you are not alone any more.  We've got you.  Just breathe

[once removed]

We were living together and then out of the blue get a text that he’s left and the keys are in the letter box.

what did the text say?

have you seen any sign of any of this ongoing behavior before? are the two of you having regular contact right now?

[boogs152]

The text said nothing more than

“I’m on my way. The keys to the apartment are in the letterbox” xxxx


We’ve spoken once on the telephone since he left ten days ago. That was only because I called him to check on his welfare. He sounded better and said it was good to hear my voice.

[boogs152]

Can anyone offer any opinions or advice regarding expectations within a relationship? Or should I just go back to the RA article?

[Radcliff]

Can anyone offer any opinions or advice regarding expectations within a relationship? Or should I just go back to the RA article?

Can you tell us a little more about your question?  Are there some expectations that you are wondering whether or not they are reasonable?

On the support network topic, let's keep going with that.  I had a therapist pushing this on me for a while, and honestly it took me months to get a clue and really establish a broad support network that included several family members, friends, and organizations.  It has made an amazing difference.  Not everyone need be clued in on your BPD situation.  A hobby group or book club totally separated from BPD can be a good component of your support list.  What opportunities can you think of?  Do you have any old friends who you've lost touch with?  Personal interests, activities, or hobbies that you could rekindle?  Let's brainstorm a bit... .

RC

[boogs152]

Thanks and that’s great advice... .I didn’t honk of support outside of BPD. Kinda obvious now that I think about it.


In terms of expectations? I mean what should we expect from our partner? My partner was constantly in turmoil. He said that he’s accepted that he will probably never have the kind of relationship he wants which is an enduring relationship and to  grow old with someone.

I find this confusing given Is discussed with him many time how it was important that we work together side by side to ensure a greater possibility of a long term relationship.

I’m totally confused about another thing... .

Quite regularly he would ignore me for days and stay in his room. Avoiding me. This has been happening all year. It was really stressful in the initial part of our relationship because it was like he hated me and I had no idea why most times. I tried to stay strong and patient but eventually it wore me down. When I asked him in a calm voice if he saw our relationship reaching its full potential if we were to keep continuing on with him ignoring me in such regular cycles?
He looked at me totally offended and said “Well that’s a very good question!”  I then responded and said that I wanted a partner that would stand beside me and work through our relationship in an adult way instead of going round and round in circles like teenagers.
He retorted quickly with “Well let’s break up then!”

I’m totally confused. Why would be so quick to break up? I thought the point I was trying to make as being quite reasonable given the amount of times he’s ignored me this year.

I was totally utterly confused

[boogs152]

Now he just messaged me saying that he wishes to catch a bus five hrs from interstate to our apartment so he can collect some mail and catch up. He says he misses our cat... .

?

[once removed]

as far as what to expect, this is a very good starting point: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

our partners, in general, have a limited capacity, and limited skills in relationships, and poor coping skills. this can take a toll on us over time.

so he wants to get together? did you respond?

[Radcliff]

Your feelings about him ignoring you and the difficulty for a relationship to reach its full potential that way are totally reasonable.  The issue is that our partners often have hair triggers, which leaves very little room for error for us.  He may have seen a comment about acting like teenagers as invalidating.  You might or might not have been more successful by avoiding invalidating speech, and framing things more positively (talk about how enjoyable it is to spend time with him, etc.).  This is "best practice," but it doesn't guarantee results.  Unfortunately some of our expectations that would be reasonable in a healthy relationship don't end up being realistic in a BPD relationship.  Over time, with patience and tools, we may see positive changes in their behavior towards us, or we may not.   The only behavior we have control over is our own.

Do you have any thoughts on more sources for outside support?

RC

[boogs152]

I understand what you’re saying... .

But when you say that using tools may or may not work or the relationship may or may not improve  it makes me feel as though I’m navigating this relationship without a compass to guide me. I understand that it’s important to practice self care and to have  support networks but how does one ground oneself when there no escaping the fact that despite best efforts... .we are still in a relationship with a pwBPD.


I mean I feel totally out of my depth. The ability to communicate with my partner currently is zero. And my patience is wearing thin with him. I mean I have NO IDEA what to say to him when I see him next.

When he told me via text that he was returning back  to our apartment I simply responded with “ Sounds good”. I have NO IDEA what to say to him when he returns. I’m too confused to know what to say anymore. Do I carry on like nothing happened? I know that he will!

I like indoor rock climbing and bike riding and films

[Radcliff]

When you say "ground ones' self" do you mean how do we stay oriented to some "reasonable" representation of reality and keep track of which way is up?  At times, I found that so difficult.  It felt like I was flying a helicopter in a sandstorm, and couldn't see the horizon, so was completely unable to figure out "up."  My internal compass was totally broken (OK, gyroscope, in case any aviators are fact-checking me ;)  In the beginning, I leaned heavily on this community to stay grounded.  Eventually, I started to build an internal capacity to stay oriented, though when things get tough I still need to lean on others a bit to get re-grounded.

Part of being grounded is being able to get in touch with what we want, and being able to understand what's in our power and what's outside of it.  I can completely relate to the pwBPD reconnecting and then pretending that absolutely nothing happened.  Honestly, I was often so frazzled and upset at the disconnection I was willing, even grateful, to have the chance to pretend as well, just bury it, and try to carry on.  Unfortunately, doing this meant that nothing got better, and things kept repeating like the movie "Groundhog Day."  I also found myself living completely without boundaries.

First thought, when you said, "Sounds good," it sounds like that was almost reflexive behavior.  A super useful tool is to train yourself to buy some time before responding.  Even a single breath at first.  Then maybe ten.  You can even take a walk and wait an hour.  This gives you time to consider not just what your brain wants, but how your body feels.  It's going to take practice to get in touch with this.  The time also let's you uncover options you might not have considered (perhaps you could meet him for dinner halfway -- not advising that necessarily, just giving an example).

So he's coming back.  Take some time to think through what you want to happen.  When he comes in the door, what are the various things that could happen, and how do you feel about them?  If you could steer things towards a particular scenario, what would you want?  Are there any boundaries you'd like to hold, things you don't want to have happen?

RC

[boogs152]

Thankyou Radcliffe this was probably the most focused point of advice I’ve received lately. I really appreciate your help. Everyone has been amazing but your advice has helped me get more specific to what I’m trying to achieve.

I’ll consider this advice and get back to you.

[Radcliff]

You are welcome!  Glad it helped.  That's what this place is about.  The more you ask and discuss, the more it helps others, too.  once removed, Harri, Mutt, wendydarling, the rest of the gang, and I will be here, and are looking forward to hearing from you!

RC

[boogs152]

Well in short regarding the immediate future... .if he wishes to remain together I would feel more empowered if I could retain some control within the relationship. I mean, I’m at a total loss as to what to say to him. I’m always second guessing myself. I’ve usually put so much thought into what I’ve wanted to say in the past but it’s always wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s not entirely unreasonable. Sometimes we communicate very well when he is relaxed and grounded. But when he’s distressed (which is 80% to 90% of the time) he’s almost impossible to communicate with. It’s like I need to learn a whole new language.

Can anyone give me some examples of what to say when you want to say
“okay let’s try again but this time with boundaries”. Or any other suggestions are much appreciated. I’m probably going to be seeing him in the next 48 hrs.

[once removed]

Can anyone give me some examples of what to say when you want to say
“okay let’s try again but this time with boundaries”. Or any other suggestions are much appreciated. I’m probably going to be seeing him in the next 48 hrs.

i would probably let him lead, and not push for explanations or answers, or inquire about the relationship status. i understand youre likely feeling overwhelmed with those things, however, the last thing you want is for him to run off again. i would tell him how glad i am to see him, but not be demanding or needy about it.

under what circumstances are you seeing him?

[boogs152]

Thankyou I will take your advice. He has been gone nearly two weeks. He will be returning to our flat for a couple of nights to collect mail and see our cat apparently.

[boogs152]

He doesn’t have anywhere to live so whilst he been away he’s been sleeping friends couches or rough on the streets

[Radcliff]

You may not be able to have a rational conversation about boundaries.  He may find the idea threatening.  pwBPD are poorly differentiated -- he likely has trouble seeing you as a distinct human being from him.  It often works better just to put the boundaries in place.  Making any boundary changes is likely to result in pushback.  There are two possible areas to concentrate first -- one is on very important boundaries.  The other is on boundaries where we're actually doing most of the damage ourselves by rushing in to sacrifice ourselves before the other person even asks, for example. 

Getting back to my boundaries question about his upcoming visit, what boundaries would you like to maintain?

RC

[boogs152]

Everything you just mentioned explains my partner distinctly. I’m not good with boundaries at all. I try but I always feel that he’s one step ahead of me. When I really exerted my boundaries in the past it has taken an enormous amount of focus on my behalf and it has often resulted in him ignoring me for days. So when you ask about what boundaries I want to maintain? I fall short with an answer. I wouldn’t say my confidence has been affected especially but I’m really confused.

I think he wants me to take the lead more but I don’t know how given my past experiences with him

[Harri]

Hi again boogs!

Yes, boundaries are tough.  Especially when you are not used to setting and enforcing them. 

There are a couple of things going on here.  One, your BF is going to push back as always when you begin to change the way you usually interact with him or change the way you usually respond.  Two, you are used to responding in such a way that you avoid setting him off and avoid feeling uncomfortable yourself.  Changing habits, which often follow us across our lifetime, is going to feel very uncomfortable.  We are going to fight ourselves as we change our more natural inclinations especially when we have seen those things result in a blow up from our pwBPD.

Does that make sense?  So we are fighting on two levels.  One external (BF) and one internal (our Self).

You will feel uncomfortable, anxious, wrong, etc.  He will get upset, push back, and possibly increase his 'less than desirable behaviors'.  Expect it.  Stick to whatever boundary you start with.  Remember, he is responsible for his reactions and you can not control them no matter how much you may twist yourself around trying to do so.  Using the communication tools can help but he will be who he is.  Over time, he may respond better.  Over time, you will feel better.  <---- that is all you can control.

[boogs152]

I understand. It feels like a no win situation sometimes. I must say that I’ve been feeling a lot better for the space. Less stress on my face and the colour is returning to my face.It’s sad that is has to be that way. It doesn’t make me love him any less.

[Harri]

It doesn’t make me love him any less.

Very true.  I think that is the hardest part of all.  Sometimes choosing not to act on our love or to not follow what our love drives us towards is the hardest but most healthy thing we can do in these situations.

 

[boogs152]

I’m back at that angry and then sad stage... .angry and then sad.
I guess I just need to get busy.

[Harri]

It's okay to go back and forth between anger and sadness.  Feelings just are. 

What do you mean when you say 'get busy'? 

[boogs152]

Busy... .distract myself

[Harley Quinn]

This thread has reached it's size limit and is now locked.  Please feel free to start a new thread to continue the topic discussion.

Thanks for your participation and understanding.