Aged mother with borderline

[Vieux]

My mother is increasingly needy and manipulative. I have avoided contact for decades for my own well- being since I get physically sick when near her. Now that she is elderly i feel guilty about not visiting her but a visit with her still sickens me. I am power of attorney so have to be involved to some extent. Suggestions ?

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome.  Several of our members are dealing with elderly parents with BPD or BPD traits so you are in the right place.

How are you with boundaries?  What type of contact do you have with her (daily in person, phone calls, live with, etc)  Having PoA does keep you tied to her but it can still be workable depending on what you want.

Give us some more details and lets see what we can come up with.

[Turkish]

Welcome, Vieux.

What is your contact situation like and are there issues now given your POA?

I hope to hear more and how best we can support you. 

T

[Vieux]

I am having navigation issues here. Sent in an elaboration earlier, didnt get posted, clearly doing something wrong.
Am happy to have found this site. Just reading others' comments is helpful . Others are having the same experiences and feelings.
For several decades have had litle contact with BPD. Seeing her causes me physical pain, gut issues. I have M.S. So do not want to be stressed out since this exacerbates symptoms.
 Mother was moved to this city six months ago. She was becoming increasingly weak and confused so it was deemed necessary for her to be closer. She was also bleeding mo ey, either from i,pulsive spending or from bilking from an acquaintence. She moved into a retirement home here, had a really difficult transition and I became involved with her issues amd woes on a daily basis. A few months in and she entered hospital. There they said she was dying so i felt obligated to visit daily. She stayed there two mo ths, transitioned to a nursing home. Again all this was organized by me. She whines constantly, uses all the FOG tricks I am leaening about and blames me fr plenty. On top of thst she is in cognitive  decline so doesnt remember what she is demanding, may not want it later or may demand again even though she has it. My nake is on the bsnk account and i realize i could be responsible for her debts. Want my name off account. Bank wont do that umless she shows up there and agrees. Thus far she has laughed at that suggestion. She keeps demandijg expensive lotions, makeup, repeat clothes etc, all costly so her running out pf money is a real possibiility. Meanwhile my own health is deteriorating. She leaves long voicemails with lists of demands or else blaming me for something as in,  "Icried for three days because of something you said, did, didnt say or do or even something she knows I was thinking. " it always ends with , and on the third day there were no teats and yet I cried... .
To staff she is sweet as can be and plays victim, her controlling daughter prevents her from ... .passive afgressive with me.
So, am in overwhelm, dont know where to turn

[Harri]

Hi again Vieux.  I am sorry to hear about your illness.  MS is very challenging and, as you said, is not helped by stress which you seem to have more than enough of.  I am sorry your mother is being so self-centered.

I hate to offer advice that seems obvious but I am going to.  Boundaries.  She can say and do whatever she says or does but it does not need to influence what you do.  Saying no is perfectly fine even if you did not have MS.  Boundaries can help us with deciding where we draw the line to take care of us.  Have you tried them before with your mother?

another thing I think might help is if you an change the way you think of what your mother says and does.  She is who she is and between BPD and any dementia and other illnesses she has she will continue to keep on doing what she does.  Expecting that along with knowing that she won't show these same behaviors to others will help you set proper expectations.  I am not saying what she says and does won't still hurt or cause stress but those things do not need to rule us or cause us harm. 

How would you feel if the next time she requests you go shopping for her you tell her no but there are online places that will deliver the items right to her so that you do not have to make special trips carrying heavy bags and stuff?

About the banking, can you tell them she is in a facility and have them fax her the forms?  Or check with them and or a lawyer to find out just what your responsibility is if your name is on the account?  I do know that you should never sign any forms promising money or anything like that.  One of our senior ambassadors, Turkish, has gone through somewhat similar stress with financial issues with his mother.  He might have some input for you.

I am glad you posted again.  Sorry it took me a while to respond today.  It has been a busy day for me.

[Turkish]

Whose money goes into the account,  yours too,  or is your name just on it? How is the nursing home getting paid?

I feared that I'd be financially responsible but my name wasn't on her account.  You might want to contact Adult Protective Services where you are for help. If someone is unable to manage their money,  that is one factor which can result in a social worker taking the case.  It helped me.  The SW also encouraged me to step back from helping so much financially "your mom can manage her own money." She couldn't,  but the point was that I was enabling my mom to mismanage her money. 

You could even call them anonymously to explain the situation to see if out warrants them stepping in. 

[Vieux]

dont know how to set boundaries, in the past any efforts in that direction have resulted in escalated behavior. Mostly i try to keep my distance and try also  to appease her but on a delayed basis. Am reading your literature on boundaries. Much for me to learn.

[Harri]

dont know how to set boundaries, in the past any efforts in that direction have resulted in escalated behavior. Mostly i try to keep my distance and try also  to appease her but on a delayed basis. Am reading your literature on boundaries. Much for me to learn.

It is usual for behaviors to escalate when we start using boundaries and when we change the way we interact with them.  It happens with anyone really.  There will be push back.  When the behaviors escalate it is called an extinction burst.  Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

Being consistent with boundaries is important.  When we go back and forth between enforcing them and not enforcing them we end up reinforcing the very behavior we want to end.  This is called intermittent reinforcement.  Be sure to read the second post in the above link to read about this.

When you are finished reading about boundaries, bring a few of your ideas here and we can help you figure out how to implement boundaries in your relationship with your mother.