Claiming I’m the problem, just need as I e or reassurance..

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex contacted me last night and today after a couple of days of her blocking me. She told me that I destroyed her and cause her pain; I am the reason she feels depressed and like crap; she made the mistake of trying to please me when she should’ve been focusing on herself. I know some of my actions or words could have possibly triggered this behavior but how can I get her to see that I am human and make mistakes but learning about her emotions and mine at the same time? I want to make things right and see if she can understand that I wan to be there through all this with her. In her messages today she told me to leave her alone and not be concerned about her anymore; she doesn’t want to see me or have anything to do with me; to leave her best friend alone ;  she doesn’t need me and is better alone. She asked for a shirt she left behind at my place (amongst other things but didn’t ask for them, just the shirt) and to contact her best friend to give to her (after she asked me not to contact her best friend anymore)... I know that giving her space is probably the best option right now, but is there anything else I can do? Give her just the shirt back or everything else she left behind too?

I’m new to this and have done research and read on BPD just in the last month or so.

[hopefulbutlost17]

My ex contacted me last night and today after a couple of days of her blocking me. She told me that I destroyed her and cause her pain; I am the reason she feels depressed and like crap; she made the mistake of trying to please me when she should’ve been focusing on herself. I know some of my actions or words could have possibly triggered this behavior but how can I get her to see that I am human and make mistakes but learning about her emotions and mine at the same time? I want to make things right and see if she can understand that I wan to be there through all this with her. In her messages today she told me to leave her alone and not be concerned about her anymore; she doesn’t want to see me or have anything to do with me; to leave her best friend alone ;  she doesn’t need me and is better alone. She asked for a shirt she left behind at my place (amongst other things but didn’t ask for them, just the shirt) and to contact her best friend to give to her (after she asked me not to contact her best friend anymore)... I know that giving her space is probably the best option right now, but is there anything else I can do? Give her just the shirt back or everything else she left behind too?

I’m new to this and have done research and read on BPD just in the last month or so.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi hopefulbutlost.  I am so sorry.  This must be so confusing and hurt too.  If it were my, I would pack up her other things and have them ready for her to take as well but see if others say differently on that part.

I don't think there is anything you can say to her that will get through while she is dysregulating like this.  usually when pwBPD (people with BPOD) are dysregulating like this, they can't really see or hear what you are saying, they can only see their own fear and through their own filters.  Are you familiar with Projection and Splitting?  They are both rather primitive defense mechanisms that kick up when a person is feeling anxious.  These two things may be in play here.  See what you think.

Now there are other communication strategies you can learn that might help you in situations prior to any major dysregulation. Topic: 1.15 | Communicate - Listen and Be Heard and Don't JADE come to mind but we have plenty others (I promise, I won't list anymore right now).

See what you think.  We can only be responsible for our feelings.  Yes, sometimes we could say things differently and often when talking with a person with BPD we may say the 'wrong' thing... .so we learn.  pwBPD are sometimes easily invalidated and what we would normally say does not work.  Again, we learn. but remember, ultimately she is responsible for managing her own feelings and self-soothing.  Sometimes the only option in the moment is to step back and let her find her way.  During that time, you work on you, learning about the disorder and posting here.  Posting in other peoples threads helps you to see your own situation and helps develop a support network of people in similar situations.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hi Harri,

thank you for your response...

Yes, I'm familiar with projecting/splitting.  I do know that most of things she says is not really what she means or  just a way of her trying to tell me or anyone how she is really and truly feeling.  I do understand that it is her responsibility to learn how to cope with her emotions as well.  I just want to make sure I am on the right path to all this.  I am not one to give up on someone I love and care for.  I know that I cannot fix her problems but I do want to learn more about her emotions, her thought process, etc.  I want to be able to be that support for her that she has not received at all. 

I know my words and actions were "wrong" in her eyes and I can now see how I may have affected her emotional dysregulation over the last weekend, but I would love to discuss it with her and how to support her in any way that I can.

I guess I just have to be patient, work on myself and wait until she comes around?

I am new to all this.  I just started my research a month a go.

[Harri]

Hi!  Okay good, you are learning.  We all are really. 

So remember I said I would not link any more articles... .welll... .pay me no mind! The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship You might find that helpful.

But yes, for now, just step back and give her the space she is asking for.  Don't push and learn work on yourself.  It is hard to be a support for someone with a mental disorder so self care and boundaries are going to be vital. 

I know my words and actions were "wrong" in her eyes and I can now see how I may have affected her emotional dysregulation over the last weekend, but I would love to discuss it with her and how to support her in any way that I can.

Okay, be prepared to listen with empathy and validate.  Sometimes we are invalidating without meaning to be so I can direct you to a lesson on that as well but I do not want to keep throwing links at you either! 

[hopefulbutlost17]

But yes, for now, just step back and give her the space she is asking for.  Don't push and learn work on yourself.  It is hard to be a support for someone with a mental disorder so self care and boundaries are going to be vital. 
 Okay, be prepared to listen with empathy and validate.  Sometimes we are invalidating without meaning to be so I can direct you to a lesson on that as well but I do not want to keep throwing links at you either! 

Keep throwing them my way! The more information the better!

I know I'm not the only one that feels like this "break up" seems likes it's the real deal.  We have been on and off for the last 3 years.  I know she shared with me that she is not "okay" and knows something is wrong.  I have yet to share what I have researched with her (I'm afraid to with the state that she has been in recently) so I will hold off on it until we are in a "good" place.  I know sharing information with her best friend may not have been the best idea but her best friend is actually on the same page with me. 

Again, I am giving her space.

A little progress: she has kept me unblocked since she contacted me. 

[Harri]

Oh, you have no idea what you just gave me permission to do!  haha   

Validation

Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Now, this is important.  We usually do not recommend telling someone we think they have BPD.  It is rarely (very rarely) accepted as intended no matter what the mood they are in.  Hold off on that until you are better educated on the disorder and all the nuances. 

So what happened with the best friend?  I am afraid I missed that part, sorry.

[hopefulbutlost17]

Oh, you have no idea what you just gave me permission to do!  haha   

Validation

Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Now, this is important.  We usually do not recommend telling someone we think they have BPD.  It is rarely (very rarely) accepted as intended no matter what the mood they are in.  Hold off on that until you are better educated on the disorder and all the nuances. 


So what happened with the best friend?  I am afraid I missed that part, sorry.

I agree on telling her she may have it. I'd just like her to know that I'm supportive of her and know that WE may both have emotional disorders. I've just recently discovered I have abandonment issues and can now connect where my ex thinks I am controlling. Thank you for the links, can't wait to read them!

In regard to her best friend: Just like others who are in relationships like mine, I reached a point of desperation during one of her emotional dysregulations and reached out to her best friend out of concern.  I had no idea how to cope or deal with it alone and reached out.  Her best friend is/was on the same page with me and I shared a short book I read on BPD and did explain that I am in no way diagnosing my ex but feel she has many of the traits.  Her best friend does not see her on a daily basis as I do and has not seen any of my ex's emotional dysregulations, so I basically wanted her best friend to understand her and I as well and what we go through on a daily just in case (like what is happening right now, we are not together) something like this happened.  When my ex found out I contacted her, she was a little distant at first but I told her that it was because I needed help in supporting her and it was in no way to "talk bad behind her back" or "steal" her best friend.  My ex was quite understanding. But when Monday came around and we had one of our many fights is when I reached out to her best friend again the next day and showed her the book I was reading. Her best friend was actually more understanding than I thought.  My ex then unblocked me when she found out that her best friend and I spoke again and that's when she told me to leave her alone, stop being concerned and to stop contacting her best friend. But then she told me to text her best friend to meet her and drop off her shirt she left behind (mind you she left some other stuff too but only asked for the shirt, weird). So, that's where I was confused...