I still feel compelled to help and fix things

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Something else he said last night about needing an answer from me about the relationship. He presented the choices as definitely reconciliation, which in his mind means complete enmeshment again, or a big, nasty divorce. There was no other possibility, just the two black or white choices.

[I Am Redeemed]

Something else he said last night about needing an answer from me about the relationship. He presented the choices as definitely reconciliation, which in his mind means complete enmeshment again, or a big, nasty divorce. There was no other possibility, just the two black or white choices.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad you're looking into your options and will seek counsel with the DV center. 

It's becoming obvious to you that you cannot expect a mentally ill person to behave in a rational manner.

I'm glad you have supportive people in your life who can help you.

Something to consider about his "nasty divorce" threat is that it takes money and lawyers to execute a "nasty divorce" and he has no money. You have a protective order and you can keep him away, should you choose. And for now, I think that's a good choice.

[I Am Redeemed]

FF,

I thought about what you said about how I should have driven to the police station.

I want to know why it is that I don't do that.

I seem to perceive that as taking drastic action. Overreacting. I have heard over and over again about how "sorry" it is to call the police on someone. It is a dysfunctional way of thinking that has been instilled in me.

When he is not dysregulation uBPDh will say that I did the right thing last year when I called the police, etc. When he is in victim mode he says that I put him in jail on purpose as part of my "master plan", thinking he would get years instead of months. That I could have just left and not called the police. That it's vindictive if I do.

I also think that I automatically try to act in a way that protects him from his own self destructive behavior and prevents consequences. For instance, I feel sick at my stomach when I think that his violation of the protection order could cause him once again to go to jail, lose his job, etc.

Maybe it's because I have done it for so long, and usually if I can't save him from consequences, I am the one who picks up the pieces for him afterwards.

I really need to break these patterns of thinking. Today I am going to the domestic violence center and talk to someone about this. I still have my therapist but I think I need some more help. Especially because I have physical reactions to the anxiety this produces and I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I have been able to keep going under the most stressful conditions imaginable, but that takes a toll eventually.

Redeemed

[formflier]

I really need to break these patterns of thinking.

Changing thinking isn't easy. 

People that once might have regarded you as "popular" or "nice... might change their opinion.

Consistency is critical.  Once they (whoever "they" is) realize that the new IAR is really "new" and won't be dragged back...

Perhaps looking at FF life and thinking is helpful.  The first time I called the police I was shaking... my wife had thrown things in the kitchen and backed me into a corner screaming "what are you going to do ?"  (note... I hadn't a clue... .had no idea about BPD... .hadn't read SWOE... or found this site)

After calling... she shamed me... I betrayed her (all the standard stuff).

The last time I called it was more "thoughtful"  (also over 2 years ago).  No shaking... .nothing.

I went back to my room and waited for them to arrive.  Officer talked to my wife and sister first... .and it was a massive amount of wailing, hollering and crazy making.

Officer knocks and comes into my room... and you can see the shock on his face.  I was relaxing in bed and simply said "I'm a disabled veteran.  Much of my disability is about sleep and my wife and her family won't let me sleep... they want to kick me out of the house.  Can you help me get some sleep."

He talked them into going downstairs and again my wife later did the betrayal thing... etc etc... but I didn't "bite" and she quickly dropped it.

It's not fair that you have to be the one to take action, but I assure you that ONLY you can look out for your safety and that of S2. 

If in the course of doing that someone else violates the law... or police figure that out.  Let them sort that out.

You make your decisions, let him make his.


FF

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Redeemed,
I never called the police on my ex-husband, even after he hit me and knocked the wind out of me or sat on my chest with his hands around my throat. I always thought I could "handle it".

In fact, I dealt with years of these attacks before I once yelled for help. And when I finally did one night, he backed off, after chasing me down the driveway. The chances that anyone even heard me were slim, since this is a very rural area with large parcels of land.

But suddenly I became aware that I had never sought help and I was afraid of getting him in trouble. Here he could have inadvertently killed me and I was concerned that he might get in trouble.

If I had a "do-over" for all those events, I would  immediately dial 911 without a moment's hesitation.

There were several incidents where he could have killed me or permanently disabled me. A few times when he knocked me down, I nearly hit my head on a sink, toilet, bathtub edge, or outdoors on a boulder.

He wasn't thinking about my welfare. Why should I have been so concerned about his?

Cat

Oh, and after that night I yelled for help, he never attacked me again. Of course I soon decided to break up with him after that.   

[I Am Redeemed]

So, I have taken really big steps today.
First, I had my van towed from the hotel room to the mechanic. It's safely there and they will check it out probably tomorrow. My manager recommended this mechanic and said he is fair and will work with me.
Next, I went to the domestic violence center and talked to a coordinator and a therapist. I received support and validation and I have been assigned an advocate who will contact me on Monday. I am also going to start counseling services there, on the weeks that I don't see my regular therapist. It just so happened that the domestic violence therapist i spoke with today said she is available for appointments on the one day a week that I have off.
I have blocked uBPDh on social media and all phone numbers that he uses to call me.
After I did that, my roommate sent me a screenshot of a post that uBPDh made on our joint Facebook page. It has a picture of us taken over three years ago, but he is trying to present it as being current, and the post says stuff about how he loves me, and I have been sneaking around to see him, and then something about me lying but we all make mistakes and he just hopes I get better and our relationship gets better... .it doesn't really even make sense. But it basically gives the impression that we are still together, in love, that I have lied but he forgives me because he has made mistakes too, and I am the one who needs to get better.
That pretty much reinforced my decision to stop contact. I was just like... .what the crap. And people who don't know the situation are liking the post which is a total misrepresentation.

I am exhausted. But relieved. I received lots of face to face affirmation that I am making a wise choice to reach out for help and make sure that I have ongoing support while I stop all contact and focus on healing.

Thank you all for your support. I know that this change will bring lots of emotions and I am glad that I have several sources to help me work through them.

I don't know if I would have found the courage to reach out for local help again if it wasn't for you guys helping me to face reality.

Thank you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Awesome, Redeemed!     

I know it’s hard, but you’ve taken the first step toward creating a better, and a safer life for you and your son.

I’m sure you’ll be feeling lots of different emotions and I’m so glad you’ve got people IRL to help you walk through this. But over time, one emotion you will feel less of is anxiety. And your stress level will drop too.

Life is always full of unexpected surprises, some positive and some not. But the stress load that you’ve been carrying due to him for the last several years has put an incredible burden upon your shoulders that you’ve become accustomed to.

When that burden is no longer there, you will feel so lightened, you’ll think you’re flying. But that’s down the road a bit... .

For now, just concentrate on taking care of you and your child and know that people are looking out for you.

Cat

[I Am Redeemed]

He has made a messenger account in s2s name and tried to send me a message. I blocked it and didn't respond. The profile photo is of him and s2. Meant to guilt trip me I'm sure.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Unfortunately you will likely be dealing with these attempts to contact you and engage your sympathies. Look at it as manipulation, and that will help.

He’s created his own mess. Had he taken responsibility for his behavior and was truly remorseful for what he did which caused him to be imprisoned, he would not be in his current position. But he hasn’t.

That tells you everything you need to know.

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed I am SO proud of you!  

Well done for going back to the DV service and getting yourself an advocate and counsellor.  If they have a group based recovery programme I'd highly recommend it.  Your advocate will know when you are ready for that if that's the case.

I'll admit that reading your last episode from him was painfully similar to the experiences I had with my ex.  They could be the same person it's so uncanny.  When I read your latest update I shed a tear of joy to know that you're stepping away from that and safeguarding yourself and S2.    

You've taken a huge step and YOU did that.  Notice your inner strength in that moment and let go of any thoughts about doing it sooner.  I beat myself up a whole lot when I made that decision.  There were plenty, and I mean plenty of 'I should have's' and the reality is that when we find ourselves in a controlling abusive relationship, it's akin to being slowly brainwashed.  It is so hard to see outside of the world that is constructed around us.  You have broken free of that control and I applaud you.  

Just as Cat has described I too didn't call the police for fear of the repercussions for him and when they did eventually arrive I didn't press charges.  I wish that I had.  I might have protected someone else from facing the same things I did.  It was hard to think back and admit that I allowed myself to be unsafe in order to protect him.  My fear of repercussions that I might face from him in time also stopped me, however I've since learned all of the ways, means and services that are there to protect us.  As you know, the FOG I was mired in did a lot of damage to my and S4's lives.  The positive thing that has come out of all of this is that I will never allow anything like that to happen again.  I see that determination in you too.   

The right to report is there for you to exercise if you choose to at some point.  Should you find that you continue to be harassed  or feel threatened whilst taking all the safety measures you're given to follow, that might be something your advocate advises as a further option to safeguard yourself and S2.  Your H ought to face the consequences of his actions.  He already seems to be covering himself by portraying that you have been sneaking around to see him.  Share that with your advocate.  

Acknowledging that your thinking has been distorted is a brave and scary thing to do for which I admire you.  It took me a while to let that sink in and it was painful.  Be open to the guidance of your advocate and try to note when your 'old story' rules the reactions in you.  You're in safe hands now and they understand what you're going through.  Please keep us informed on how you are and that you're safe.    

Seriously, well done.

Love and light x  

[formflier]

 

I'll admit that reading your last episode from him was painfully similar to the experiences I had with my ex.  They could be the same person it's so uncanny.

 

Just as Cat has described I too didn't call the police for fear of the repercussions for him and when they did eventually arrive I didn't press charges.  I wish that I had.

 I might have protected someone else

 

This is where bpdfamily shines!  I'm so proud to be part of this.  People rallying around someone trying to sort out deeply personal... .deeply painful... .relationship issues.

HQ and CAT

Thanks so much for being open about painful parts of your past... .

IAR cheering you on that you have started to make local connections at a DV shelter.  I am praying that they will be a positive influence on you, your son... and your relationships.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Unfortunately you will likely be dealing with these attempts to contact you and engage your sympathies. Look at it as manipulation, and that will help.

He’s created his own mess. Had he taken responsibility for his behavior and was truly remorseful for what he did which caused him to be imprisoned, he would not be in his current position. But he hasn’t.

That tells you everything you need to know.

Yes, it does. It is a sad and tragic reality that I have to face. I may be a person who has lived in denial in one form or another at times, but I do not want to stay that way. One of my core values is searching for and acknowledging truth, because I believe that is the only way progress is ever made in any area.

One truth I had to face yesterday was the fact that I have actually experienced sexual abuse by uBPDh. I did a danger assessment with the counselor, and when she came to that question I told her I didn't know. The words "sexual assault" or "sexual abuse" conjure up images of a violent, forceful attack that would clearly be rape. Since that never happened, I had never considered the possibility of sexual assault/abuse in my relationship - until recently when I began doing research on some of the national domestic violence and abuse websites, and I learned that sexual assault consists of more than violence or forceful attacks. So I had the answer in the back of mind that yes, this kind of abuse had happened, but I was afraid to confirm it. So I just told her "I don't know, but I will tell you what he did do" which included drugging me, pressuring me, and the fact that I have had sex with him out of fear of being harmed if I did not, because he would accuse me of cheating on him if I did not have sex with him.

And the answer was "yes, that is sexual abuse". So there it is. Another brick in the wall crumbling down, revealing stark truth. But I embrace it for the freedom it will bring.

 

I'll admit that reading your last episode from him was painfully similar to the experiences I had with my ex.  They could be the same person it's so uncanny.  When I read your latest update I shed a tear of joy to know that you're stepping away from that and safeguarding yourself and S2.   

You've taken a huge step and YOU did that.  Notice your inner strength in that moment and let go of any thoughts about doing it sooner.  I beat myself up a whole lot when I made that decision.  There were plenty, and I mean plenty of 'I should have's' and the reality is that when we find ourselves in a controlling abusive relationship, it's akin to being slowly brainwashed.  It is so hard to see outside of the world that is constructed around us.  You have broken free of that control and I applaud you. 

Just as Cat has described I too didn't call the police for fear of the repercussions for him and when they did eventually arrive I didn't press charges.  I wish that I had.  I might have protected someone else from facing the same things I did.  It was hard to think back and admit that I allowed myself to be unsafe in order to protect him.  My fear of repercussions that I might face from him in time also stopped me, however I've since learned all of the ways, means and services that are there to protect us. 
Seriously, well done.

Love and light x 

I would never wish this kind of experience on anyone, but I am glad that there are people who have made it out and can relate to and identify with me. It is extremely helpful (although alarming) to know that other people have experienced almost identical behaviors from the abusive partner, because that helps me keep it in the perspective that it is not a unique experience. The more I read about abuse, and the more I read that others have experienced such similar behaviors, the more I can accept that it is what it is.

And I have started to feel guilt and shame for not doing this sooner. But I have to remember that for years I did not have the support that I have now. I didn't reach out, and when I did I found the support to be lacking. It took whatever it took to get me here, and thank God for it.

This is where bpdfamily shines!  I'm so proud to be part of this.  People rallying around someone trying to sort out deeply personal... .deeply painful... .relationship issues.

HQ and CAT

Thanks so much for being open about painful parts of your past... .

IAR cheering you on that you have started to make local connections at a DV shelter.  I am praying that they will be a positive influence on you, your son... and your relationships.

FF

Yes, definitely, thank you all.

I have no doubt that this community helped pull me out of the FOG just enough to be able to make a solid, safe decision, even if it took lots of reiteration and reassurance.

I really believe God placed the right people in my life yesterday. I had prayed the night before for Him to give me wisdom in this situation, because I know that Scripture says he will do that without judgment if we ask and DO NOT DOUBT so I asked and I told God that I trusted him to do what He promised- give me wisdom.

The coordinator I talked to was a very nice young man, and we spent more time than he intended talking because we got off on the conversation of Scripture, and I asked him where he went to church and he told me, and said his pastor had just got done with a series on marriage where he actually addressed Scripturally the circumstances of domestic violence and abuse in marriage. And this young man told me that he felt I was making a very wise decision in coming in for help, and at that moment I knew that God had fulfilled His promise and that I was absolutely doing what He wanted me to do. And I felt peace with it.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Redeemed, I'm so happy that you have that particular advocate and found peace with your decision.  It was exactly the right moment.   

Did you devise a safety plan?  How are you feeling at the moment?

Love and light x 

[I Am Redeemed]

Harley,

We did go over some things that would be included in a safety plan. I am going to make copies of the protection order and keep one with me at all times. I am also going to tell everyone that I work with and talk to some of the girls about staying with them temporarily in the event that an extreme emergency occurs and I no longer feel safe where I am living. I will talk to my advocate more about developing a personalized and more detailed plan.

I saw my regular therapist today and she reiterated and confirmed the dangerous situation I experienced and reassured me that my decision is absolutely the best thing to do to protect myself. I spoke with MIL and she agrees, even though it is her son that is the abuser. She told me how her ex-husband, uBPDh's father, once loosened the lug nuts on both of her back tires. She noticed it before a bad accident occurred, luckily. She said he denied it up and down and sideways, but she always knew it had to have been him. She was never sure if he did it to cause her to have a fatal or near-fatal accident, or to cause her to break down and have to depend on him for help.

Ironically, after that conversation, I received a call from the mechanic I towed the van to. They said the van started right up, many, many times, with no issues, and they did not see anything wrong with it. I told them about my suspicions and they looked it over again and still do not see anything wrong with it.

So now, more than ever, I am convinced I did the right thing. I feel as though I have a huge weight lifted off of me. Even though I do expect to still have feelings of grief for the relationship that I thought I would have with this man, and I do still have compassion and empathy for him, I have let go of any hope that he will make a sincere effort to truly change. His issues are entirely too complex to unravel without some good professional help, and his suspicious and paranoid nature paired with his inability to look honestly at himself do not make that a probability. Abusive nature, substance abuse disorder, BPD traits, delusional and paranoid thinking and anti-social traits all present, and it is nearly impossible to get a person with just one of these issues to seek and participate in the level of treatment necessary to recover.

I prayed for a miracle, and I still will, because he is and always will be my children's father. But from this point on, I will have to leave my involvement with him at the foot of the Cross. He simply is just too dangerous for me, my son, and probably even himself.

Strangely, I find myself experiencing a level of peace I have not felt for a long time, and then I have feelings of guilt because I know uBPDh is a complete wreck and falling apart. But it is not my fault, nor can I change it or fix it. It's just sad.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

Things are coming together.  You have begun to see a change in your fortunes by being fortunate enough to have a caring manager recommend an honest mechanic.  (Many might have invented an issue!)  There are genuine, caring and decent people in this world and you are drawing them to you in your hour of need.  Keep that protective force around yourself.    I take it your manager is aware of your situation?  It's wise to share about what you're going through in case something should happen at work.  Rather than being annoyed about a disruption, a good manager will act in your best interests to safeguard you and will more likely be understanding if at points you're showing the strain of what you're dealing with. 

But from this point on, I will have to leave my involvement with him at the foot of the Cross. He simply is just too dangerous for me, my son, and probably even himself.

This is such a relief to read.  There's a mantra in this, should you have moments of self doubt.  I'm confident that you have turned a corner now though.  It's evident in your posts. 

I am convinced I did the right thing. I feel as though I have a huge weight lifted off of me.

I find myself experiencing a level of peace I have not felt for a long time

Redeemed, I've been hoping to hear these words and am so delighted to know you're feeling the effects of freedom as I did.  It was such a relief when I cut contact.  I breathed freely and it was pure bliss.  We don't realise the true weight we're under until it is lifted from our shoulders.  It's not going to be all roses right away but things do get better from here.  You will rebuild yourself piece by piece and get stronger by the day. 

Just make that safety plan a priority and remain vigilant.  Let everyone know who needs to know and have contingencies in place.  Perhaps mix up your routine or take different routes to your normal ones sometimes.  Try if possible to have someone with you rather than being alone in any situation where you might be vulnerable to approach.  Rather than being scared, be smart and prepared.     

I know uBPDh is a complete wreck and falling apart. But it is not my fault, nor can I change it or fix it. It's just sad.

It is sad, yes.  And you're right, it's not your fault.  He is responsible for himself and can make his own decisions, if he chooses, to change things for himself.  Your only responsibility is to yourself and your son. 

You may find that the effects of the exhaustion that you've been pushing through will hit you now that you are no longer under such constant stress and anxiety.  Try to eat properly and sleep as much as you can.  Your body will thank you.

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Yes, I told my manager that I thought uBPDh did something to the van, and also I explained that I was "trading down" from my shift leader spot the next day so I could get off earlier and go to the domestic violence center. Not only did my manager recommend the mechanic, he texted him and told him I was coming and then arranged the shift chart the next day so I could be off work completely and have time to do everything I needed to do.

I have told several people I work with about what happened, and will fill in others tomorrow. All of my managers are aware that uBPDh has been violent and was in jail. They are all prepared to call the police if he sets foot on the property, and I have already planned to park directly in front of the window of the to go order room where it will be visible at all times.

I find myself still feeling vulnerable though. I feel like he is reading every word I text, every post, everything. I don't put anything past him anymore. His mother said I should expect him to retaliate and not to let my guard down.


A new concern occurred to me. UBPDh has a visit with s7, s5 and d4 this weekend and I now think he may try to triangulate using them or try to get them to give me a message for him. Especially s7. But s7 is angry with him and doesn't want to go.

S7 used to have a relationship with uBPDh just like s2 does now. Over the years that has changed. S7 feels let down by uBPDh and he is upset. He doesn't like that uBPDh hurt me. I didn't tell him, my sister did, and I don't know if was too much of a burden on him to know these things about his father or not. I don't want him to be used in uBPDh's manipulative strategies.

My children have all suffered enough, just as I have.

Redeemed

[Harley Quinn]

I find myself still feeling vulnerable though. I feel like he is reading every word I text, every post, everything. I don't put anything past him anymore. His mother said I should expect him to retaliate and not to let my guard down.

It's natural to feel vulnerable and that is a good thing.  Our natural instincts kick in to protect ourselves and create a healthy level of alertness.  It will cause you to think ahead, plan and be prepared.  Knowing his past behaviour and having seen his worst, do you have ideas of what he may resort to?  Can you take preventative measures?  If it is talk, provided of course that it's not something that can impact your kids as you say, then I'd pay it little heed.  You know how little sense he is likely to make.

Do you feel comfortable that the kids are safe around him in his current state?  If not, intervene.  You are their mother and have every right to make a request regards their safety.  That's their physical and emotional safety, to be clear.  If they are at risk of harm, then notify your sister.  I am unsure about your relationship with her other than I can imagine it has been strained just from reading about visitation etc.  Have you informed her of the steps you have taken?

Love and light x

[Harri]

This thread has reached the post limit and has been locked.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330621.0