I would appreciate your insights. I do instinctively know that this was the turning point, but I'd like you to help me really see it.
It's good that you kinda see it and realize it was the turning point. I'm a words guy and I would much rather help you "understand" it and the "why" behind it.
A metaphor that has helped me is to think of talking with a pwBPD as someone that is from a foreign country and a person that has a "native tongue" that is different from me. So... .like I'm an English speaker raised in the USA (which I am), talking to someone from an eastern culture. Not that either "culture" is good or bad intrinsically, but the rules and "norms" are different.
Ignore those at your peril and at the peril of your relationship.
My goal is to help you "see" and/or understand the different norms that are at play in each of your lives.
I know from experience that any straight contradiction will cause a flareup. So I try to avoid simple disagreement, even with the most bizarre accusation. This was my way of stepping away from a contradiction in which I don't say, 'you're crazy, I never stop you going out!'
This is good. What I think is unsaid here is you know this is a sore spot to avoid, but you are not sure why. I hope to "flip" this for you so understand the "rules" and can
use those to your advantage to change or improve the relationship.
What is invalidation?I was trying to keep the lines of communication open by asking him to explain.
That's a very "rational" way of talking. Sometimes pwBPD speak this way, other times they are talking with pure emotion (of the moment) and sometimes they are on a spectrum in between those. Further more if you asked them if they were "being emotional" they may get offended or deny it (and truly believe it).
Many times they are so carried away with "the moment" that they can't believe they ever felt another way. Then they do the "feelings equals facts" thing.
Perhaps a better way to keep comms open Please help me see.
Sure... I'll help you understand. Really it will be the community hear and many of the wonderful learning materials we have in place.
Even more discussionwhen I'm so provoked that I start to feel wounded and angry.
It's good you understand this was about you. I hope to help you find an earlier place to leave the conversation.
I don't know any way yet to keep my emotions under control to the extent that he doesn't hurt me.
What do you think of this concept?
What if you "listened" this way? I had to leave the room.
There are ways to disengage. Consider this list from another poster on these boards.
For that reason I would suggest practicing phrases that stop conversations. practice with a friend or a therapist... .some one you trust... .
- I'm not able to have this conversation today. Let's talk about it next week.
- I would like to get back to you on that.
- this isn't really anything I want to discuss
- I think I have spent all the energy I can right now.
- I believe it is time to stop this conversation.
- We've spent enough time on this issue, let's table it for now
I'd suggest that once you feel confident that you can stop a conversation that is running away with you... .you can feel more confident getting your message across.
I've loaded you up with lots of stuff to read. I'm interested in your thoughts after you have worked through this.
Biggest surprise?
A place where you saw yourself and were happy about how you "did" a conversation.
A place where you were like... .uh oh... .
Anything else that comes to mind...
FF