New Member: Need help with verbally abusive husband

[micang]

I have been married to my emotionally intense husband for 20 years.  We have been through a lot.  Eight years ago, he was diagnosed with ADHD and admitted to a drinking problem.  He went to AA for several years, but stopped going and is drinking again.  We have had a stressful year, with many financial and health problems.  Throughout our marriage, he has alternated between verbally abusive and very loving.  Recently, his verbal abuse has gotten more intense and he blames me for the problems in our marriage.   He says that we have spent our entire marriage focusing on his problems, and it is time for me to fix myself.  I started seeing a therapist on my own who has suggested that my husband may have borderline personality disorder.  I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and so much of it applied that I decided to seek out this support group.  Although we have been together for so long, and I hate the idea of divorce for religious and other reasons, I am really wondering whether I can cope anymore.  I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety and feel completely powerless in the face of his emotional tirades.  I know I need to get stronger and set boundaries so that is what I am trying to do (due to his drinking, I am a member of Al-Anon, and I am rededicating myself to my program, and have a sponsor).  I am trying to put into practice the tools outlined in "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but I feel I need more help.  Any support or guidance would be most appreciated.  I don't want to feel so alone anymore!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi and welcome! You needn't fear being along anymore, since here you will find a supportive community of people in the exact same boat.

My first suggestion to get the most out of the board is to start posting on other member's threads to gain context on your own situation.

Can you go into some more detail about the last year and the stresses that brought you here? What kinds of situations tend to trigger your husband's emotional abuse and drinking? Alcohol abuse has been a big issue in my marriage as well.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[livednlearned]

I admire you for taking care of yourself, thru reading, therapy, and Al Anon, and here. Those are important steps.

Rome wasn't built in a day   and it will take some time to change old habits. Is there one behavior in particular that you want to focus on? You mention he goes on tirades.

Echoing RolandofElf, what kinds of situations trigger him, and what do you do/say in response?

Maybe we can walk with you and come up with some ideas together. There are specific relationship and communication skills that are not intuitive and must be learned.

[micang]

Thanks to you and RolandofElf for your support.  My husband states that he feels unloved and neglected by me (and to some extent by his family).  He also feels that I do not respect him, and his tirades usually relate back to that in some way.  It's hard because he is very unhappy with himself and longs for my approval, but at the same time he makes decisions that make life more difficult for me and it is hard for me to be on board with some of the things he does.  He is terrible with money, and has spent all of his retirement trying to start a business that is at the moment stalled.  His thinking is also at times skewed, he jumps to conclusions that are not justified, both about his own abilities and about what my motivations are.

Perhaps an example would help.  The other evening, he was in his workshop/lab (an outbuilding that is a few hundred feet from our house).  I had come home from work and an evening meeting and we had not seen each other yet.  He said via telephone that he would be over in a few minutes.  It is not unusual for his "few minutes" to turn into an hour, so I didn't think anything of it when he didn't appear.  I finally called him when I was getting ready for bed and it turns out he had fallen asleep.  Then he began verbally abusing me, calling me names, for not calling him sooner.  He accused me of not wanting to see him.  I tried to validate his feelings but he brushed off what I was saying as platitudes.

We have had a terrible year.  We are struggling to pay bills, and earlier this year I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  His behavior has gotten worse with all of this additional stress.

I could write more, but I need to get off to work . . .


0003.msg13008310#msg13008310 date=1539609084]
I admire you for taking care of yourself, thru reading, therapy, and Al Anon, and here. Those are important steps.

Rome wasn't built in a day   and it will take some time to change old habits. Is there one behavior in particular that you want to focus on? You mention he goes on tirades.

Echoing RolandofElf, what kinds of situations trigger him, and what do you do/say in response?

Maybe we can walk with you and come up with some ideas together. There are specific relationship and communication skills that are not intuitive and must be learned.
[/quote]

[once removed]

Then he began verbally abusing me, calling me names, for not calling him sooner.  He accused me of not wanting to see him.  I tried to validate his feelings but he brushed off what I was saying as platitudes.

its a rock and a hard place, to be sure.

validation and empathy (empathy informs our ability to validate) are two important life skills, two crucial life skills in these challenging relationships. there are others. some work better than others for different situations.

a couple of things can go wrong when we try to validate:

1. its not necessarily a helpful response when someone is lashing out at us, for several reasons. it can be perceived as talking down to a person who is riled up. it may send the message that the way theyre speaking to/treating us is okay. its often more helpful to think in terms of "avoiding being invalidating", because being invalidating never helps, and usually escalates. when someone is dysregulated or over the top, they tend to need to get back to baseline before constructive things can be said/done.

2. sometimes when we are learning the skill of validation, its a bit awkward at first, and it can come off as robotic or patronizing, and our partners can see right through it. it takes some time and practice to learn when and how to use it naturally.

We have had a terrible year.  We are struggling to pay bills, and earlier this year I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  His behavior has gotten worse with all of this additional stress.

people with BPD traits certainly dont do stress well. im really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. how is your treatment going? how are you holding up?

[livednlearned]

Validating him while he is verbally abusing him isn't healthy for you.

Does he experience periods of relative calm, when he's regulated and able to communicate with you?

If so, that's the time to set some limits on the verbal abuse. Give him a heads up that you are changing a boundary (there will likely be a period of more intense discord when he tests to see if you're serious about the boundary -- so it's important when you set a limit that you follow through.

"When people call me names I feel bad and it makes it hard for me to think straight, and if there is yelling I can't even hear my thoughts. I start to feel like I don't matter and that makes me want to protect myself so I don't continue getting hurt. Sometimes it happens between us -- I want to change that. I want to hear what you're saying, and I can only do that if said in a calm and respectful tone, with no cursing, no name calling, no yelling. If you are feeling angrier than I can manage, I will move to another room/hang up the phone/leave the house until I've had a chance to bounce back and things have cooled off between us. We can pick up the conversation when it's easier for me to hear what you have to say."

Or something like that. In your words. Said without shaming or blaming him so much as recognizing that you have worth and meaning, to yourself if no one else.

You're (mostly) focusing on how his intent (to say how he feels) isn't landing because you can't hear him (the verbal abuse makes it hard for you).

People with BPD want and need someone to set boundaries because without limits their hurricane of emotions and behaviors take over. They know very well that their emotions create pain and chaos -- they live with those feelings every day.

You are their one hope to contain some of that chaos, and boundaries are the way to help with that.

[micang]

I think you are right.  My attempts at validating do come off as robotic, especially when he is yelling at me.  And livednlearned is right--it is not healthy for me, especially at a time when everyone keeps telling me that I need to focus on my health.  I have metastatic breast cancer, which means it has spread to other parts of my body.  That said, my treatment is going very well and I am disease free at the moment.  Cancer should be the biggest stress in my life but it is not--my relationship with my husband is.  I am trying to get healthy emotionally, and that is why I am reaching out.

[micang]

Thanks so much for the advice.  I know I desperately need to set boundaries, but it is so hard after 20 years, and I feel so emotionally drained at this point.  I am working with a therapist, and so that is what I am going to focus on.  I like your suggested phrasing on how to set a boundary, livednlearned.  He does experience periods of relative calm, and so we could in theory have some productive conversations.  However, there will be pushback, and I just feel very weak and unable to deal with that.  My goal is to try to become a little stronger.

[once removed]

I am trying to get healthy emotionally, and that is why I am reaching out.

great. this is so critical. these are volatile relationships as you well know, and they can take a toll. a strong support system is critical. a place to go when/if things are at their worst are critical. strategies are critical. being surrounded by people you love, friends and family, doing the things you love, all critical. if our health goes by the wayside, we can get swallowed up in our relationships.

im glad to hear the development with the cancer. how is it going with your therapist? how long have you been seeing them?

[micang]

I have only had a few sessions with my therapist, but I really like her.  She was the once that suggested that my husband was displaying BPD traits.  My husband actually had a session with her earlier this week, but from his point of view it was mostly to make sure that the therapist knew about "my" issues.  Then yesterday we went together to speak with a priest that my husband really likes.  The priest advised us to go to couples counseling, and told my husband he also needed a therapist.  My husband was disappointed because he felt that the priest was "hard" on him, and focused only on his issues, not mine.  We had long emotional discussions about it last night, and by the end he was still disappointed but calmer, and agreed to find a therapist for himself.

Then, this morning, I discovered that during the night he must have gotten angry again because he used super-glue on my bedroom door to prevent it from opening (we sleep in separate bedrooms).  I was able to open it, but it did cause me some momentary panic.  I am sure he will apologize this morning.  I suspect it was a way to try to assert control (literally) over me and the situation.  I am trying not to make a big deal about it, but it did upset me (although this sort of thing is not atypical of him, given his skewed thinking).

[livednlearned]

Super glue. Wow. That's a new one.

What did you say to him?

[micang]

Super glue. Wow. That's a new one.

What did you say to him?

I asked him calmly why he did that and he told me that it was not super glue but a sealant, and he put it there with the intention of keeping out bugs.  He says he did it a couple of days ago and that it took this long to seal, and he should have told me about it but it was not his intention to keep me from leaving the room.  This sounds very bizarre, but he said it in a very convincing manner, and he is an eccentric person who comes up with some strange ideas so I suppose it could be true.  I really don't know if that is what actually happened or if he was just coming up with an excuse for something he did in the middle of the night that he is now ashamed of.   I simply stated that I was alarmed when I couldn't get the door open, and could he understand that?  I didn't really get much response, so I let it go.

[micang]

Apologies--my post above made it look like my response was a quote.  I am still trying to figure out the best way to post!

[RolandOfEld]

Hi micang, do you feel deep down that his explanation is true? Does it hold up, even in the context of his general eccentricities?

If you feel the answer is no, then I suggest you not view this episode lightly but as a deeply controlling and dangerous behavior. For example, if there had been a fire in the house, would your escape have been impeded? Even if no physical danger, being trapped in my own house by my partner would be a big emotional wound.

My wife once leaned over in the bed I sometimes share with my toddler daughter to kiss her goodnight, then promptly smacked me in the head without warning. She followed this with "Oops, hand slipped." It was extremely obvious this was not the case. But it's possible this explanation was not only for me but for herself. If she chooses to think back on it, she probably could remember it as an accident. Your husband's explanation could be for himself as well.  

Can you remember any other behaviors that may have put you in personal danger?

~ROE