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Author Topic: Surviving the silent treatment, nightmares and manipulation through the children  (Read 274 times)
snowglobe
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« on: December 09, 2018, 04:22:46 PM »

I’ve posted in my previous post- my uBPDh is splitting on me, due to the fact that I didn’t “dish out 1/3 of our mortgage so he can continue chasing his losses” in the crypto market. He effectively got scammed/lost all value in the shares of his public company, in addition, the crypto market took the nose dive, and true to his gambling addiction he wants to chase the losses by investing more, “so when it goes back up again, he will be a millionaire”. Meanwhile he is not speaking to me, or even looking at my direct because “I don’t believe in his, and he doesn’t need the kind of wife he has right now”.
He was also gifted a video game, and him having an addictive personality, when he plays, and inevitably looses, he becomes furthermore aggressive, breaks things and cancels plans. This time, he is also recruiting autistic s11 to play with him ( which is strictly against s11’s clinical psychologist’s advice, I had to deal with the public school, that placed a “deemed as threat” in son’s student record, he made a threat to blow up the school, kill classmates, kill his family and commit a suicide”. All as a part of his diagnosis. We went through extensive work with his mental health team to work through these issues, I had to find a pro bono child advocate to help me seal the threat, so s11 won’t be treated differently by the teachers. I was also told to place a boundary on all of online and otherwise gaming, hence he is drumming, becomes aggressive and can’t separate virtual world from reality. Fast forward to now, uBPDh is soliticitng s11 to play, I’m powerless, as uBPDh is physically intimidating me with his body language, abusivlg yelling at me to F off, leave the s11 alone and calls me “mean mommy”. All my reasoning that s11 will pay the consequences are falling on deaf years, he is smiling, and encouraging s11 to “kill those mother... .ers in the game”. I’m being pushed through the roof, I can tolerate uBPDh playing, but this goes against every fiber in my body, since he didn’t even care to fight for s11’s well being or legal team.
I called the clinician, his words to me “you can’t control what your husband is doing, you can only enforce your own rules.” What?. How can I explain on what’s happening in my home? That I’m virtually invisible and silenced, because he is paying the bills? I can’t take this much longer, it feels like I’m drowning and even with my efforts “when they are going lower, we go higher” I’m having a hard time to manage. How do you all deal with inconsistent parenting, where every healthy demand or rule is being challenged, broken or overridden? My emotions are running So high that I feel like telling uBPDh to get out of my life
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2018, 05:06:07 PM »

How can you explain to the therapist? By telling the whole story. Until now, I suspect you have been protecting your H by not telling the whole of it. Unless they know the whole of it, they can not advise you.

You knew to seek legal counsel to protect your son from the school situation. You also can seek legal council for protecting your child from your husband, and you from your husband.

You've mentioned the reason your H has control is because he is paying the bills, but it seems he is also putting your family in financial instability.

I am not any kind of expert in this, but your H has been out of control with his behavior for a long time. The counselor is correct- you can not control him. However, you can take steps to protect yourself and your children by seeking legal advice and counseling. However, in order to help you, professionals have to know what is going on.
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snowglobe
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2018, 05:18:11 PM »

How can you explain to the therapist? By telling the whole story. Until now, I suspect you have been protecting your H by not telling the whole of it. Unless they know the whole of it, they can not advise you.

You knew to seek legal counsel to protect your son from the school situation. You also can seek legal council for protecting your child from your husband, and you from your husband.

You've mentioned the reason your H has control is because he is paying the bills, but it seems he is also putting your family in financial instability.

I am not any kind of expert in this, but your H has been out of control with his behavior for a long time. The counselor is correct- you can not control him. However, you can take steps to protect yourself and your children by seeking legal advice and counseling. However, in order to help you, professionals have to know what is going on.
NotWendy,
Thank you for being here.
With the limited resources I have at hand, early in September when you remember things were particularly ugly, I chose to seek help from the mental health professional as opposed to legal council. Without making things too complicated- I can’t seek pro bono legal aid, as he is claiming an income as a family, therefore legally it seems as I do have an income (which I don’t). This becomes catch 22. I have to decide if I see a therapist, or a lawyer, which is 5 times more per visit. I don’t have access to free legal aid. I will ask his therapist to meet with me outside of my home, and break down the entire story, and see what they can advise me on. Perhaps children’s aid can get involved, this would be a blessing. UBPDh doesn’t listen to words and doesn’t recognize any authority, the only thing that gets him going is action. If he was physically removed from our home, or children’s aid would come in regularly, maybe he would get the message. My heart breaks for my children who are perpetually confused, mixed messages, rules change on a minute basis.
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       “Aimer, ce n’est pas se regarder l’un l’autre, c’est regarder ensemble dans la même direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2018, 05:27:19 PM »

I think that speaking to the therapist is a good step. They will know what, if any, social services are available and how to proceed from there.

There situations thrive in the dark ( secrecy). They don't like the light. It is scary to tell the truth but IMHO, it will take telling the truth- to the therapist, to get this into the light.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing with this.
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2018, 06:27:08 AM »

Hi D... I've been following your posts the last few months and I can understand how trapped you feel.

Are you able to make any progress on your plan to exit? Even if you decide to stay you will feel a bit more secure knowing that you have an escape plan if you decide to pull the trigger.

When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving... That's when I made the decision to end my marriage. I used to sit and visualize what my life would be like without him and even with all the financial worries and the shame of divorce number two, it felt like a relief, even if just in my imagination.

However, if I could recommend anything from my personal experience it would be not to assume that it would all end up in a catastrophe. It clouds your thinking, the worry and the stress of maintaining the status quo in a turbulent household. It's not true that the change you need for yourself and your children will ruin everyone's lives... Including your parents.

It is not true. See a lawyer, get advice from a dv counselor on how to make that happen without funds, get temporary support orders and then sit back and watch the process unfold. Your husband is practically begging you to do this, so unless I've missed something ... You have rights. To both marital home and support.

If he reacts violently, call the police, he will go to jail.

I think of you often and I hope this doesn't come across as overbearing as you are posting in the conflicted area.

I can tell you from the other side of divorce, abuse and mental control... .Life for me is better than when I was married to a man with BPD. Take that for what it is worth to you.

Please think about taking back your power.

L
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~Albert Camus
snowglobe
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Posts: 801


« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2018, 12:24:13 PM »

Hi D... I've been following your posts the last few months and I can understand how trapped you feel.

Are you able to make any progress on your plan to exit? Even if you decide to stay you will feel a bit more secure knowing that you have an escape plan if you decide to pull the trigger.

When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving... That's when I made the decision to end my marriage. I used to sit and visualize what my life would be like without him and even with all the financial worries and the shame of divorce number two, it felt like a relief, even if just in my imagination.

However, if I could recommend anything from my personal experience it would be not to assume that it would all end up in a catastrophe. It clouds your thinking, the worry and the stress of maintaining the status quo in a turbulent household. It's not true that the change you need for yourself and your children will ruin everyone's lives... Including your parents.

It is not true. See a lawyer, get advice from a dv counselor on how to make that happen without funds, get temporary support orders and then sit back and watch the process unfold. Your husband is practically begging you to do this, so unless I've missed something ... You have rights. To both marital home and support.

If he reacts violently, call the police, he will go to jail.

I think of you often and I hope this doesn't come across as overbearing as you are posting in the conflicted area.

I can tell you from the other side of divorce, abuse and mental control... .Life for me is better than when I was married to a man with BPD. Take that for what it is worth to you.

Please think about taking back your power.

L
Thank you for your message, L,
I appreciate your insight and support. It’s paradoxical, that all I ever wanted, really, truly is for my uBPDh to be stable and is to have a normal family. Not some insane story with ups, downs, but a smoothe sailing. I’m a sucker for love, what can I say?. I’m still hoping for one
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2018, 12:40:23 PM »

They show us who they are. Yet we hope that they will only exhibit their wonderful side and suppress the angry, chaotic, destructive part. But who they are is both sides. And it's a question of whether we can fully accept that.
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2018, 03:06:15 PM »

That being said, back to your original question:

How do you all deal with inconsistent parenting, where every healthy demand or rule is being challenged, broken or overridden? My emotions are running So high that I feel like telling uBPDh to get out of my life.

1. Inconsistent parenting - I would manipulate the situation. As in, he begins "parenting", I interrupt... with an "excuse me dear, let me take care of this, after all this is my job, please you just sit and relax", and take the child aside to another room for a walk whatever... just get away from being overheard.

2. Demands / Rules being challenged - I faked a questioning attitude. My responses were short, like "What?"... I never clarified, just kept emotionless and said the word "What". Meaning I was not accepting what he was saying nor was I denying it. It's a technique that worked frequently for me. In essence, I pretended that I was stupid so he would get off the subject he was on or raging about, and rail instead about how stupid I was. To which I replied again... "What?"...

3. Wanting to express your anger at your partner - In my situation I was not able to do this, so instead I took walks... sometimes very angry walks, sometimes with my cell phone in hand venting to my best friend or my mother. Later on I would call a domestic violence hotline.

4. Identify Triggers - If you have some idea of a subject that will trigger a reaction, avoid that if you can. I used to keep a list... one of the major ones was dinner. If I did not make him a meal, this was a huge issue. So I did my best to make sure he had a hot meal at 6:30 p.m. The other major trigger was if I left work for any reason (like sick, dr's appts, you name it) and went home. If I didn't notify him that I was on my way home he was very upset, and every time he left work to make sure I was at home.

It's not an easy way to live, and I am wishing you and your children peace for the holidays.

L
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~Albert Camus
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