Rant: Parallel parenting & abuse in small doses

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I practice parallel parenting thanks to the thoughtful suggestions from other members of this community. It  has cut out a tremendous amount of drama from our lives! However, I still have to communicate with my 7 yr old sons' father on some things - this time it was our son's Halloween costume choice: a creepy clown. 1 text message was the small window of opportunity for BPDxH to try and wrong me for anything

I believe our son is a perfectly normal 7 yr old boy, exploring feelings of powerfulness though play; he's not hurting anyone and is super sweet with lots of friends. It's Halloween! Halloween allows us to explore spooky!  I allowed our son to look at Creepy Clown choices on Amazon and he selected the most tame one they offered, a jester costume with a skeleton mask (no blood or sharp teeth).

When I shared via text to his father, his reaction was to wrong our son for his choice then blame me for him being interested in creepy things. I was driving so a phone call ensued with an angry, argumentaive style conversation about how he thinks his choice is inappropriate, is concerned our son has issues and blames me because I used to have nightmares occasionally? (Really? My subconcious must be dangerous!) He wanted to sit down a have a serious conversation with our son about it together. I told him I already had a conversation with our son about his interest in creepy things and BPDxH replied "No, I mean a 'real' conversation"? Excuse me? Oh, you mean beacause our son did not change his mind or comply to your Halloween costume choices the conversation was not successful?

We hungup, then I text reminded him I respectfully prefered a parallel parenting arrangement. He tried to guilt me into co-parenting saying "It's too bad we can't have a conversation without you feelinging personally attacked. But if this is how you want to proceed, I really dont have a choice your the boss." He also slipped in that my parallel parenting choice will hurt our son.

I'm disappointed the smallest issues are opportunities for him to try and dump his diseased mind on me. He must not have anyone else to dump on and is desperately testing the waters?

Any suggestions or thoughts welcomed xo

[1hopefulhuman]

I practice parallel parenting thanks to the thoughtful suggestions from other members of this community. It  has cut out a tremendous amount of drama from our lives! However, I still have to communicate with my 7 yr old sons' father on some things - this time it was our son's Halloween costume choice: a creepy clown. 1 text message was the small window of opportunity for BPDxH to try and wrong me for anything

I believe our son is a perfectly normal 7 yr old boy, exploring feelings of powerfulness though play; he's not hurting anyone and is super sweet with lots of friends. It's Halloween! Halloween allows us to explore spooky!  I allowed our son to look at Creepy Clown choices on Amazon and he selected the most tame one they offered, a jester costume with a skeleton mask (no blood or sharp teeth).

When I shared via text to his father, his reaction was to wrong our son for his choice then blame me for him being interested in creepy things. I was driving so a phone call ensued with an angry, argumentaive style conversation about how he thinks his choice is inappropriate, is concerned our son has issues and blames me because I used to have nightmares occasionally? (Really? My subconcious must be dangerous!) He wanted to sit down a have a serious conversation with our son about it together. I told him I already had a conversation with our son about his interest in creepy things and BPDxH replied "No, I mean a 'real' conversation"? Excuse me? Oh, you mean beacause our son did not change his mind or comply to your Halloween costume choices the conversation was not successful?

We hungup, then I text reminded him I respectfully prefered a parallel parenting arrangement. He tried to guilt me into co-parenting saying "It's too bad we can't have a conversation without you feelinging personally attacked. But if this is how you want to proceed, I really dont have a choice your the boss." He also slipped in that my parallel parenting choice will hurt our son.

I'm disappointed the smallest issues are opportunities for him to try and dump his diseased mind on me. He must not have anyone else to dump on and is desperately testing the waters?

Any suggestions or thoughts welcomed xo

[Turkish]

Can you remind us on the custody arrangement? Who has your son on Halloween?

Creepy Clowns are normal (aside from the adult idiots in the news) these days. My son is 8. It's that (some parents let the kids watch IT, which I wouldn't do),  Fornite, Pokemon Cards, and the previous two years 5 Nights At Freddy's (all pig which drive me nuts... .but it's not about me). A major point of Halloween is the creepiness,  yes?

It sounds like he might have an issue in talking to your son from the point of view of his values.

[livednlearned]

It's ok that he doesn't believe the clown costume is a good choice -- it's a values thing. People have different values.

It is not ok that he kitchen sinks you with blame and shaming. That's a skills thing. He gets emotionally dysregulated and his perfectly normal opinion gets lost in the carnage.

"You have a good point. Halloween is a tricky time, knowing what's too creepy or not creepy, and kids are exposed to so much these days, either through friends or on the internet. I bought the costume and erred on the side of the least creepy one, which isn't a perfect solution, it's the compromise I believed was best under the circumstances. I'm glad you care about his choices and take an active interest in how he's doing."

Parallel parenting means you wouldn't necessarily send this, it's just meant to give some insight into how we can step out of the drama triangle in our minds, acknowledging how someone else feels even if it differs from how we feel.

[1hopefulhuman]

It is not ok that he kitchen sinks you with blame and shaming. That's a skills thing. He gets emotionally dysregulated and his perfectly normal opinion gets lost in the carnage... .
... .we can step out of the drama triangle in our minds, acknowledging how someone else feels even if it differs from how we feel.

I really appreciate the insight here. As soon as he started to kitchen sink me and my son, I lost sight of his normal opinion behind it, fell into a reactive panic and began to get lost in the drama triangle. At least this time I had the self control to end the call as soon as it began to escalate. The acknowledgement of his opinion is an excellent reminder - SO HARD for me to do when I feel attacked, but definately the approach I am trying to remember to practice.

[1hopefulhuman]

Can you remind us on the custody arrangement? Who has your son on Halloween?

Creepy Clowns are normal (aside from the adult idiots in the news) these days. My son is 8. It's that (some parents let the kids watch IT, which I wouldn't do),  Fornite, Pokemon Cards, and the previous two years 5 Nights At Freddy's (all pig which drive me nuts... .but it's not about me). A major point of Halloween is the creepiness,  yes?

It sounds like he might have an issue in talking to your son from the point of view of his values.

Ha ha ha - yes the news is full of creepy clowns!

Our custody arrangement is informal and works well thus far, we were not legally married and just share equally. Not sure about this Halloween, it will probably go all together or just me.

Yes, he thinks anyone with different values from him is "wrong".

[livednlearned]

Not sure about this Halloween, it will probably go all together or just me.

Will he make it difficult for everyone if he goes with you? He is upset about the clown costume.

[1hopefulhuman]

Will he make it difficult for everyone if he goes with you? He is upset about the clown costume.

My best guess is he's over the costume and more insulted and hurt over the parallel parenting (feeling abandoned).

I dont know if its a BPD thing or a personality thing but he flip flops idea about things ALOT - hourly, daily, weekely, monthly... .he's not consistant with his ideas / values. 1 month before he ended our relationship he took me out shopping, bought me 5 dresses and took me to a fancy dinner - he had NEVER done that in the 8 year we were together, 30 days later " I love you but I'm not in love with you, packed his bags that night and moved into a house sitting situation in the neighborhood that he had planned a week before without my knowledge. VERY unpredictable!

He's probably going to either ask my permission to join us or opt out (he's Swedish and they don't celebrate halloween anyway). If he asks permission I may allow it for my son's sake and just keep a distance or make plans with another family to join us and break the tension.