Does acceptance mean that hope has gone?

[Feeling Better]

I thought that I was doing alright, learning to accept all that life has thrown at me.

I can accept that my son although undiagnosed most likely has BPD/traits even though he is high functioning. I can accept that he is in denial and that it is highly unlikely that he will ever seek help. I can accept that he no longer wants me in his life. I accept that I have no control over any of these things.

So my question is this:
If I am accepting all of these things, where has my hope gone?

 Because surely if I accept all these things there is no need to hope for anything different

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Feeling Better,

Are you sad that you feel like you don't have hope?

I think sometimes we got burned out on hoping. A lot of the time hoping is all we have. I personally don't think it's a bad thing if you don't have 'hope.' Acceptance is all about staying in the present. Accepting what is currently happening. We have no way of knowing what will/won't happen in the future. Sometimes hope is useful because it keeps us going. But I think sometimes it can also keep us stuck.

Tell us more about why it's bothering you

[Lollypop]

Hi feeling better  

I’m sending you a mahoosive bear hug because I think you need it right now.

I think you raise a really important point and the fact you’re reflecting on the exact meaning really does help us understand ourselves in our situation. We’re all different eh?

Having no expectations came first for me. To be fair, diagnosis set that one but it took awhile. If he has BPD then he can’t help how he behaves. Whilst your son hasntcsought help and got a diagnosis I believe it doesn’t make a difference. It’s about what you believe (you are one big step ahead than I was because I’d never heard of it).  Knowing that they can flip from one place to another makes things precarious. There’s little point in having any expectations - it leads to feeling disappointment. Which if you think about it is silly because they can’t control how they behave.

Acceptance wasn’t too far along once I’d got the “expectation” thing out of the way. Like you, I finally accepted he had his life, I had mine. It’s be nice to rub along together but that might not happen. Precariousness is so loose, you just can’t seem to hold onto anything other than hope.

Hope is a tricky one. It can be stagnant, dormant and can suddenly appear out of nowhere. It stems from my inner feelings often and and so often tightly inked with expectation and acceptance. It’s my perspective at the very moment and is within my control (so the theory goes!).  I think it’s this distinguishes those who tend to look at life with a glass half empty or the other person being grateful for it being half full. But even in either state there can be hope. There’s always hope that things can change and of course that’s true.

Choosing to live hopeful, expecting and accepting it most probably won’t happen. Or choosing to life not hopeful because it’s pointless.  These are our choices - nothing is written in stone and perhaps we all explore different modes to find one that fits for us at any particular time.  Whatever I choose. Whatever I want my outlook to be. We have that power if we can see that we do.  Personally, I prefer hope while I work on myself.

I don’t know if I can hit the target but I know I can aim at it. Does that make sense to you?

Hugs
LP

Ps. This is just me speaking as a mum, not a psychologist or a philosopher or a religious person.

[wendydarling]

FB

Echoing LP, this is an important question you raise and a hard one.   

Do we, can we get stuck in one camp, acceptance or hope, yes I think we can and I have. I believe there is a space, the space is the place that rests directly between the hope of that will be and acceptance of what is. It’s not easy to learn to live in this space though that's what I'm aiming for. I thought to myself that I can’t continue to live only in the place of hope, (it was hugely important to me when I first joined in crisis), as that does not help me accept my fears, what is. Because hope can become a place of agony if my hope is never fulfilled. Deferred hope can cause me pain not to live in the moment and place my happiness on a shelf until such a time when the hope is fulfilled, a miserable way for me to live. On the flip side if I live in a place of only acceptance of what is, I may feel despair as I accept that the status quo is what always will be. That's what I'm doing right now in my situation, learning to live in the space between hope and acceptance, a bit of both is my choice, I'm not sure if it has a name... .my space I guess.

Have you been feeling you've lost hope for sometime?

WDx

[Huat]

Hello Feeling Better

Wow!  What a thought-provoking question that was you asked!  Then, too, what great responses from Hyacinth, Lollypop and Wendydarling.  I always look forward to reading their comforting gems-of-advice.

For me, getting to the "acceptance-mode" was literally a game-changer... .a life-saver.  I had clung, for so many years, to the idea that I could change what was... .to what I wanted.  Gradually facing reality and then dealing with that reality did make a change... .in me.  Life became sweeter and sweeter.  The problems I had then were "walls."  Now they are "detours."

That is not to say I do not have "hope"... .but I stay realistic in that hope.  Someone who has lost a limb should not be hoping that limb will regrow.  Instead their hope should be in finding the courage and ability to find a different way to walk.

I still find myself slipping into a Pity Party now and then.  What the heck!  I, like you Feeling Better, am a Mom... .and we love those children of ours.  I'm happy to say, though, that I now go to other parties that life has to offer.   Yep, it does hurt not to be able to hold them in our arms... .but we will hold them in our hearts... .forever. 

Isn't it wonderful to have this forum where we can air what is in our minds/hearts and, if in need, feel the encouragement from others to help keep us afloat?

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi Feeling Better  

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief.

This is us FB, we are all walking through, grief together  

Huat, thank you, you touch every part of how we're feeling here on the forum, and teach us,  share your wisdom, and your grace, always! Love to you and your H, peace  

[Only Human]

Hi FB, I am really glad you posted this question and am grateful for the thoughtful replies. It's given me something to think about for sure.

Thank you all for being here and sharing your experiences and giving support.

~ OH

[Merlot]

Hi FB

I couldn't  have said this any differently, we walk the same path, and for me acceptance and hope are two different things.

I am also learning to accept but I will never lose hope as to lose hope, for me is to lose everything

I need to keep that placeholder in my heart and i think about her everyday, and hope that something triggers an emotion in her that I know is there... .and she comes back.

Thinking of you Merlot

[bluek9]

Hi Feeling Better,

    I've been following this thread, lots of great thoughts on the question you asked. When I came here I was so raging mad at mental illness; it had wrecked havock on my life. Going from dealing with my dad, brothers and then my own child. I was at such a loss with everything.
   Since being here I have come to understand radical acceptance. NO EASY FEAT! It is very hard for me to stay in that frame of mind. I feel like I've done loads work, I know I have. But damn is it hard to keep perspective on the whole picture. Like you I wonder does acceptance mean giving up hope. For me hope is believing in those things unseen. Those things that have yet to come to pass. Yes I'm mad that I've had to grieve for my own living child, I've come to terms with that, acceptance? Maybe, but for me that still doesn't mean I loose hope. I have hope that my D have a meaningful life on her terms, I have hope that her meds. will help, I have hope that someday she will mellow and come to understand her own limitations.
     I guess what I'm saying her FB, is that I would rather continue to have hope than accept and give up. In my core I believe there are always options, things can always change. Our children may suffer with BPD, that by no means is a death sentence, it just means life on different terms. I believe my D is capable of learning, in time she will learn to live life on her own terms, may not be what I ant or agree with but it will be something she has done.
   Hang in there Feeling Better, I'm always amazed at the questions asked here, by looking at the hard stuff we learn and grow.

[Feeling Better]

I want to give a big thank you to all you amazing people who have replied here, you have all given me so much to think about. I will try and answer all of you but I might have to do it in two or three separate posts rather than one massive post.

HB ~ yes, I am sad to feel like I don’t have hope because I don’t like feeling that way and I don’t want to feel that way. I couldn’t sleep, it was 3am over here when I wrote my post, I didn’t know what else to do, I knew I had to do something and this was the result. Along with the sadness I felt anger too. Anger that I was feeling this way. And also confused. Thank goodness for this site.

You have written some very wise words and I thank you for your valuable insight. I agree with you that hope can be useful if it keeps us going but I can also see how it can in some circumstances prevent us from moving on and keep us stuck. x 


Lollypop, you are a rock, you always come up trumps and manage somehow to point me back in the right direction and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everything that you have written makes complete sense to me. I like very much what you write “There’s always hope that things can change and of course that’s true”, yes! of course it’s true, what a revelation that is to me.

I’ve revisited the article on this site about using Wise Mind, I did this because I felt in retrospect that in my post I was using only Logical Mind. Now, I can see that, as you very rightly say, there are choices that can be made, it doesn’t have to be either/or, black or white, there is something in between. I can choose to have hope whilst also accepting what is, both can co-exist together. Wow! Another revelation.

Lollypop, I know that you are speaking as a mum, and a very wise one I might add, and I want to acknowledge the hard work that you have put in to reach that level of wisdom. You are someone who I respect and admire greatly. And that is said from one mum to another x 


Oh dear, at this point I think I’ve run out of steam, I’m tired and my brain wants to have a rest, so please forgive me if I sign off now. I will be back tomorrow to resume.

FB x

[devnid]

First, thank you so much for sharing. And it would appear that your sentiment hit home for a lot of us. I too, have been struggling with 'hope'. I wondered if by, not being preoccupied with my daughter and grandson's  absence in my life, I was somehow not trying hard enough, or that it meant that maybe she was right - I truly did not care! Or that I had given up all hope that things would be different someday... .Oy, the list goes on and on. But there was something said on this thread by HUAT:

I'm happy to say, though, that I now go to other parties that life has to offer.   Yep, it does hurt not to be able to hold them in our arms... .but we will hold them in our hearts... .forever.

And that is where I think I am now. Thanks for articulating it so well HUAT. I have decided that it is ok to have a good life despite this devastating heartbreak.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

wendydarling, thank you so much for your very kind response, it is really appreciated as I know you have been dealing with so much with your DD recently 

You are so right, living in a place of only hope is not a good place to be, at some point the decision has to be made to face reality. I don’t think that living in a place of only acceptance is good either as I think that we need hope to spur us on and give us something to aim for. I like your idea of a space between the two, there probably is a name for it, maybe someone might be able to suggest something.

Have you been feeling you've lost hope for sometime?

WDx

I think I probably have, without fully realising it. When I think back, I know exactly how it happened. I think my friend inadvertently took my hope away. I was talking to her about contacting my son when it was his birthday, and she helped me to work out what would be best to write, I trust her judgment and I kept my message brief. I told her that I didn’t expect a reply and then I added that I didn’t think I would have a relationship with my son ever again. She agreed with me that I probably wouldn’t have a relationship with him ever again. I normally appreciate her honesty but that particular day it was like a shot through my heart and a reality check for me. Her saying it to me made it real, which then led me to think that it was pointless to have any hope that things could change in the future.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief.

This is us FB, we are all walking through, grief together 

Thank you so much for this WD, I have read it a few times and each time it has made me cry, but in a good way. Thank you for caring WD x 


Huat, I love to read things from your perspective. You always give me hope, your shining example of what life means for you despite everything that you yourself have gone through is an inspiration to me and I’m sure to so many others here too.

I get it that reaching a point of acceptance is a game changer and indeed, as you say, a life saver too. We both know how hard it is to accept reality for what it is, and I know myself that no matter how painful that reality is, acceptance is the only way to healing and inner peace.

We all need hope too, and you describe it so well... .realistic hope, I need to hold on to that, thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

Yes Huat, we are just ordinary mums who have tried to do the very best that we could, unaware what the future would hold for us, and still trying to do our best with what we are left with.

I agree with you Huat, it is wonderful to have this site, a go-to place in times of need, safe in the knowledge that we will always find someone here who understands and I am immensely grateful for it and I am grateful that you are here too x 


Only Human, thank you so much for your kind words, I appreciate you taking the time to join in this thread, and I am so glad that you have found some thought provoking stuff here. We all learn from each other.

You have only been here a short time but it feels like you have been here much longer, I love the way that you dive into others posts and also welcome Newbies. You are a very caring person and I am so very glad that you are here x 


Merlot, yes, we do walk the same path, and I thank you for your thoughts.

I feel exactly the same as you, I was thinking if all hope has gone, what does that leave me with, and the only answer I could come up with was... .it would leave me with nothing. So I need hope, I wouldn’t be able to live without hope and for me that hope needs to fit in alongside acceptance.

I too think of my son every single day and I don’t see that anything will ever change that.

I am thinking of you too Merlot x 


bluek9, thank you so much for dropping by, I know that you have such a lot on your plate right now.

I am so glad to hear that despite everything you still have hope, I think it’s something that we all need.

You hit on something else that has crossed my mind from time to time when you wrote:
“I would rather continue to have hope than accept and give up”
I have often wondered whether acceptance is just another word for giving up.

Yes bluek9, BPD certainly is life on different terms and I think you explain it in a very eloquent way, thank you for your insight x 


devnid, thank you also for your response, I am sorry to hear that you too have been struggling with “hope”.

I wondered if by, not being preoccupied with my daughter and grandson's  absence in my life, I was somehow not trying hard enough, or that it meant that maybe she was right - I truly did not care! Or that I had given up all hope that things would be different someday... .

I think what you have written shows that you have accepted what is, and by that acceptance you do not feel the need to be preoccupied with your daughter and grandson’s absence in your life. I think that you care very much, but you also care about yourself. That is a good place to be. I have always cared about others more than myself, I am learning slowly that I matter too.

I am very pleased for you devnid that you have a good life, you deserve it x 



Well this has been quite an emotional thread for me and I want to thank you all once again for taking the time to offer me your kind thoughts and words of wisdom 

I just want to say that I think it is a very bumpy road that we are all traveling on and it is full of potholes and I guess I just tripped in one of those darn potholes x 

[wendydarling]

FB  

I have the greatest respect for you and parents here who are in no contact. When I joined I was fearful of BPD, I was fearful of everything and everyone. Together we are whole as we face mental illness and the personal impact upon us we share here, as you courageously do. It is not easy.

FB
Have you been feeling you've lost hope for sometime?

wendydarling,
I think I probably have, without fully realising it. When I think back, I know exactly how it happened. I think my friend inadvertently took my hope away. I was talking to her about contacting my son when it was his birthday, and she helped me to work out what would be best to write, I trust her judgment and I kept my message brief. I told her that I didn’t expect a reply and then I added that I didn’t think I would have a relationship with my son ever again. She agreed with me that I probably wouldn’t have a relationship with him ever again. I normally appreciate her honesty but that particular day it was like a shot through my heart and a reality check for me. Her saying it to me made it real, which then led me to think that it was pointless to have any hope that things could change in the future.

This   shot through your heart   I had a similar experience with my best friend a year ago, rocked my boat, she understands my struggles and I love her for that and will be forever grateful. She triggered me, in our heart to heart, I was in floods of tears and on the racks for days.

The unexplainable space between acceptance and hope for me is you Feeling Better  

Mindful of the potholes, watch the step.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

WD, thank you so much for your very kind words, I too have the greatest respect for you, your support is unfaltering 

None of this is easy, whether someone is dealing with BPD behaviour on a daily basis or like me is in a no contact situation, the pain and the heartache is real, and I have respect for everyone who posts here. I don’t think I really understood what courage and strength were until I came here, we see it here in abundance, in all the parents who come here looking for hope. It is hope that keeps us going and I am glad that I am regaining my hope. Hope is positive.

Thank you for sharing that your friend triggered you, you understand how it knocks you off balance for a while, and then we pick ourselves up and get back on track again.

I will be mindful of the potholes but I can’t promise that I won’t trip in one again sometime in the future x 

[Lollypop]

life is like a big book, if something bad happens then you just turn the page,”

I saw this and thought about us all. FB referred to the state of being stuck in “hope”. We do get stuck in grief too and that’s horrible too.

I love WD’s suggestion of the space in between hope and acceptance. The “inbetweenness”.

I also like this idea of turning a page of our life, so we can move forwards.

It’s like we reach a point when we are physically and mentally ready to say “I’m done with this page”. I know it so well, I know it by heart, I’m almost bored of it. I want to turn the page. It’s liberating.

I want to say that I’ve read most probably 1000s of posts now and there’s a very sweet handful of wise gems.  This thread being one of them.  FB you’ve raised something that is at the very core of our being.  The support and sharing is wonderful to be part of.

LP

[Huat]

Hello All

A couple of years ago when I stumbled onto this site, I was a broken soul.  For almost 40 years I had let my daughter be my "weather vane."  When life with her was good... .it was very, very good.  When her mood would suddenly change, life could become unbearable... .especially because her vision of me (her Mom) could all-of-a-sudden change from me being her heroine... .to her nemesis.  After so long of being on this roller-coaster, I'm left to wonder if I suffered from a form of PTSD.

So... .I come to this forum and I start to write, pouring out my heart and my hurts.  I read and absorb what I can on how to deal with someone who may suffer from BPD.  (My daughter has never been diagnosed as having BPD but counsellors have alluded to the possibility.)  Then I started responding to others who were posting... .then I started to heal.

I think one of the most profound concepts for me to finally realize has been the fact that... .I have the ability to choose how to react to what life throws in my direction.  In the case of my rocky relationship with my daughter, I could continue to cry and be miserable... .or... .I could accept what was happening at the time... .deal with it the best I could... .then open my eyes to joys around me. 

It is sad that we are once again not in contact with our daughter but, as I have written previously, her anger was escalating, our age advancing.  Hopefully she will agree to joint counselling at some point in time but that "hope" in me is not all-consuming.  At this point in life, I am realizing that there are joys to be found... .not always big joys... .but little things that can bring smiles to my face.

I sometimes look back on my postings and think I am making myself out to be an "old-wise-sage."   Hmmmm?  Not!  Gotta say, though, that with age sometimes (sometimes!) comes clarity.

So, so nice to be able to participate here.

Huat  

[Feeling Better]

Lollypop,

Life is like a big book, if something bad happens then you just turn the page

Thank you, I love this statement. I will add it to my collection of quotes etc that resonate with me. Another one that I am finding helpful right now is this one:

“Some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life”

If I find myself feeling sorry for myself that my son is not in my life, I think of this quote, to me it is all about acceptance, it makes it easier for me to accept what is.

I got to thinking about hope, what is hope? We can feel hopeful or we can feel hopeless, but is hope itself a feeling? Or is hope an emotion? I googled hope and found this:

“Hope structures your life in anticipation of the future and influences how you feel in the present”

How true that is that hope influences how we feel in the present, when we have hope we have optimism, we feel good but without hope, the opposite is true.

FB x

[Lollypop]

FB

Your goodness and wisdom shine through.

Hope structures your life in anticipation of the future and influences how you feel in the present”

This is true! 

We do the learning and skills here to learn that there is hope for ourselves, then we feel differently thus behave differently. I hadn’t seen it so clearly until now with the reference to hope.

Thanks for sharing

LP

[Feeling Better]

Huat,

Thank you so much for sharing. Your reference to you being an "old wise sage" made me smile as I tried to picture you as such. Seriously though, your input is always appreciated and you do offer words of wisdom and comfort. You have gone before many here and you do inspire hope.

You wrote:
"I have the ability to choose how to react to what life throws in my direction"

This was also a game changer for me and importantly it helped me to cease being a victim. It is also a very empowering statement and I thank you  from the bottom of my heart x 


Lollypop, thanks again for your kind words x 

[beady]

Wise words above here. Acceptance is, I think, based more in the reality of the situation. And I think once we have our heads on straight, we can deal with our reality. I think there is always a  kernel of hope inside, without which we would never push forward if we truly thought there was no hope of improvement, but it doesn't rule our decisions. A fine line between the two, but I think we need both to have a purpose in life.

[PeacefulMom]

Feeling Better, Hyacinth Bucket, Only Human (and others) -

In addressing those of you by name, I'm wanting to acknowledge you for giving me the strength to join the discussion by responding to my earlier posts about living with holes in my walls.  I have been so troubled, cried each time I read your encouraging replies to my post, and yet still sit here paralyzed and wanting to change.

I seem to be in too much fear (fear of violence, fear of losing my son) to do well with boundaries, and don't feel qualified to speak on anything related to dealing with my CD, as I've been in this sad position for so long.  Even as he is working on "triggers" with his therapist, and even if his temper and violent episodes subside, how many steps will there be on my journey before I can see the light toward acceptance?  He is finishing repairs to walls this week, and then he will stay and feel okay with everything... .

I know I am like so many other loving parents in wanting my beautiful son to use his compassion, intelligence, and skills to make it in life.  But he isn't working and is no longer in school - and what I thought was a downward spiral seems to have leveled-off.  So realizing I am still crippled by FOG, here is my acceptance question:  Wouldn't I be better off just accepting my entire situation, visiting his therapist more often, working harder toward the small steps and changes I must make so that I am not living in fear, and looking to big-picture improvements as my version of acceptance?  Is this enough?  I don't see my son living on his own, as he is so dependent and attached. [Given many opportunities, he doesn't leave.]  Could there be very different versions of acceptance for each of us?  Is there only one path to take to be a good parent - that is, ensuring that they have a happy but separate life? 

I feel sure that you see "acceptance" as more comprehensive - accepting the CD's separate life, behaviors, failings, and habits (what we all wish for in life).  But can we arrive at a point of acceptance while still living with a CD we love who can be threatening and may not accept our boundaries?  As one of you had posted, should I just give up the part of me that was hopeful to arrive at my version of acceptance? (This is hard to write about, and I'm not explaining myself very well.  When I read my post, it reads like a jumble of excuses and reveals all my weaknesses, probably because my situation has become a bit hopeless and it is so hard to change.)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Beady, thank you so much for joining in this thread.

You are so right when you say that when we have our heads on straight we can deal with reality. I know that for me, especially when I am feeling really tired, I become much more emotional which then makes it so difficult to think things through properly.


Oh PeacefulMom, I also want to thank you so much for joining in this thread. I am so glad that we here have given you the strength to join in this discussion and I want to say how much I admire you for joining in, and of course how much I appreciate it too 

I am really sorry to hear that you still feel crippled by FOG, do you think that this could be holding you back from finding acceptance? I think that acceptance is a very gradual process, I can’t really say that I consciously worked towards acceptance, it happened over time, mainly I would say, by being here and reading and learning and becoming more aware. For me acceptance brings a much calmer state of mind. It brings me peace. I know that I cannot change my son or his behaviour, I cannot go back in time and change what happened in the past either, as much as I would like to, I cannot do any of those things, and if I cannot change them, I need to accept them. Not accepting leaves our minds in turmoil. I think I might be rambling but I hope that this makes some sense to you.

Wouldn't I be better off just accepting my entire situation, visiting his therapist more often, working harder toward the small steps and changes I must make so that I am not living in fear, and looking to big-picture improvements as my version of acceptance?  Is this enough?

The key is to accept what you can’t change. Look at your entire situation and decide what things you can change and which things you can’t. Visiting the therapist and making changes to you and the way that you communicate with your son are good and very positive things that you can do for you.

Could there be very different versions of acceptance for each of us?

What a great question. I personally think that acceptance is just that ... .acceptance. We can all have different situations that might need to be accepted though.

PeacefulMom, you might find this link useful, it is to an article about acceptance

Radical Acceptance

It’s not the one I wanted (I couldn’t access it) but you should still find it useful, in the meantime I’ll see if I can get the other one as well x 

[JustYouWait]

FB -

 You wrote -

"Because surely if I accept all these things there is no need to hope for anything different"

Sigh, here goes:

No.

IMHO,  there is an inherent problem for me in that statement, and at the same time, I completely understand why you made the statement.  As we are "in" this bottle of crap that is a kid with BPD, it's very easy to lump things together, in this case "hope" and "acceptance".  To me (and this is just a guy, not a PhD or therapist, but as someone who is currently going through it), they are two VERY different things.  They are not always tied together.

"Acceptance" is just that - you see the situation for what it is. 
"Hope" is different.  It is positive thinking despite "it" being what it is.

Think of it this way - if someone you knew had cancer, you would accept that the diagnosis was cancer, and very scary, and an uphill battle for them to get better.

You would hope that they chose to get treatment and either beat the disease, or be able to live with it.

BPD is a disease, no different than cancer, alcoholism, or lupus.

That probably wasn't as well-written as I wanted it to be, but I hope it helps.


This sucks. 

But you're not alone.


And there is always hope.

[devnid]

All,
After following your comments, I just have to say thanks for your willingness to share your thoughts, feelings and information. Our journey with BPD may be very different, but the thread of heartbreak is what we all have in common. I can almost feel the devastation when reading some of these, and my heart breaks for you.

I am very grateful to have found this site; it has helped me to understand that I am not alone in the struggle to deal with this situation and to also, in a weird way, be thankful that things have not escalated in physically harmful ways.

As some of you have indicated, once you hit 'that place' , either because of no contact by BPD or because you have decided that for yourself, it actually can be a time of healing. This is certainly true for myself. My daughter decided almost a year ago that I could not see my grandson (31/2) and has mostly cut off contact with me. After years of being treated horribly by her, grandson was the bright light. Initially, it was really, really devastating. And is still difficult today. But I did not realize how my stomach was in knots all the time ... .until it wasn't.

It seems that we just do not realize how deeply affected we are by our child abusing us until we get a break from it. 

My wish for all of you is that you also can get to a place of acceptance with some room for hope, (and no knots in your stomach). I will never lose hope that my healthy  daughter will return one day and that I will get to love on my grandson again.

Thanks everyone.