BPD ex's birthday today. So very different from last year.

[BasementDweller]

This time last year, my ex turned 50. We were still living together as a family with his two kids in a house we had put a lot of love and work into - together.

50 is a milestone birthday, and I was so happy to be able to be there and host this party for him and his closest friends and family, and be a part of his life at this stage. He told me countless times how happy he was that I would be there with him for the rest of his life - that he had finally found "the one". (You all know the drill.)

I had planned the menu for nearly two months, and the spread was out of this world. I made him a raspberry cream triple layer cake, and we all had appetizers and a three course sit down dinner. Nobody had ever done anything like this for him before.

He was the birthday boy, but I was the "hero of the day" according to him and all his guests. The food was superb, the decorations were amazing, and his sons, nephews, sister, and even the ex wife and her husband were there, and they all told me how wonderful I was, what a fantastic idea the party was, and what a good cook and hostess I was, and that they hadn't had this much fun in a long time.

His HPD sister, painted white again for the first time after three years of being cut off by him, was SO happy to be let back in her brother's life again, and for her sons to be able to spend time with their cousins. It was me who convinced him to reach out to his sister, for the whole family's sake. She told me in confidence that he was "very difficult, and she was so happy he finally found the right woman". His ex-wife and her husband were astounded that I seemed to be really good for him and he was on his best behavior. (In front of everyone who wasn't me, that is.) We were all having so much fun, we decided to do an "annual 50th birthday party" for him, and all get together, just like this every year. They seemed to think I was the glue that held them, and his sanity together. Ha... .hah. 

Unbeknownst to me, just a few months later, the distortion campaign had begun, to lay the groundwork for the discard that would start in May. By then, they had all turned against me, believing me to be the abuser, the tormentor, the "crazy one" - despite the fact they all knew and had lived his diagnosis and history, up close and personal - for decades. They KNEW. They had met me, many times, basked in my hospitality, and been over to our house for dinner and holidays. They had thrown birthday parties for me as well. His kids and his nephews loved me. Their friends loved me and thought I was the best cook ever. They all wanted to have dinner at our place. Sometimes we'd be feeding 8-10 kids. I was really happy to be a part of this fun and lively dynamic. Having no kids of my own, being a stepmother was so much fun. I took the role seriously, and treated those boys like they had always been my own family. They took to me easily.

How the hell could this happen?

Naive me... .I had no idea. Come June, he was deep in the throes of a prolonged psychotic break and I had to leave for my own safety and sanity. When the smoke cleared a bit, his best friend started to see the light, and reached out to me to tell me how sorry he was about all this, and that he could see that his best friend was "more f*cked up in the head than he ever thought possible". He told me he had been smearing me behind my back for months. Saying things that he could now see - were insane, ludicrous fabrications. Neither of us knew if these were deliberate lies or his actual warped, but sincere perceptions. Either way it didn't matter. It's all over now. I have no contact with any of them anymore. Not even the kids. It breaks my heart, but he is the keeper of those keys, and any attempts to reach out on my part would be seen as intrusive. And they all likely hate me anyway - without ever asking me a single question, or hearing a single word from me.

Now, today is his birthday again. He's 51. Last year was unseasonably warm and sunny, and there was joy in the air. This year, it's cold, rainy and dismal, and I'm at the office, because there's no need to take a day off this year. I hope he does something fun. I hope his family takes him to dinner, or he does something with his boys. Last time I saw him, he lamented that they were teens now and spent every second with their friends. He was feeling low that they don't "need him" anymore. I told him I did not doubt they loved him very much, though.

This "difficult" and ornery man had it all this time last year. I hate to toot my own horn here, but I'm a good person, and a good partner. The man I once loved was so ill though, that he couldn't see past his own disordered thinking to be able to make the most of that. To revel in it. To enjoy it. To appreciate it. To have it for the rest of his life. All he could do was destroy it - in the cruelest possible manner.

I have no idea what he will do today. I won't be involved. I won't be making a cake, or hanging balloons, or opening champagne, or throwing a party. I mailed him a paper greeting card in the post that said "Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day."

And I sincerely do.

But that's all I can do now.

[Chitchat]

 The card means as much as the party. Take care, bdweller

[BasementDweller]

The card means as much as the party. Take care, bdweller

Thank you, Chitchat. I hope he's able to glean even a shred of positivity from it, and not have it dysregulate him more. I never know with him.

I guess I could refuse to acknowledge his birthday, but I can't NOT be a decent human being.

[babyducks]

Hi BD,

One of the more amazing things for me to try and understand was how …... in the best of times,  when things were going well,  and when things were good, my Ex was absolutely programmed to destroy it.

She did it over and over again.     Things were good.    Progress was being made.    Everything was okay.    And she would find a way to blow it up.   Sometimes the cause and effect was so subtle I didn't see the connection.   but it was still there.

something about how she perceived herself and processed life, meant she was unable to tolerate good normal happy times.   I think it had something to do with the self loathing perfectionist thing she had going on.    If she was in a self loathing phase... .she had to destroy it because she didn't deserve it.   if she had the perfectionist thing going on, she had to destroy it (whatever it was) because it needed to be as completely perfect as she was.     

Phew.    it's tough being in a relationship with some one who has no concept of who they are.

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Hi BD,

One of the more amazing things for me to try and understand was how …... in the best of times,  when things were going well,  and when things were good, my Ex was absolutely programmed to destroy it.

She did it over and over again.     Things were good.    Progress was being made.    Everything was okay.    And she would find a way to blow it up.   Sometimes the cause and effect was so subtle I didn't see the connection.   but it was still there.

something about how she perceived herself and processed life, meant she was unable to tolerate good normal happy times.   I think it had something to do with the self loathing perfectionist thing she had going on.    If she was in a self loathing phase... .she had to destroy it because she didn't deserve it.   if she had the perfectionist thing going on, she had to destroy it (whatever it was) because it needed to be as completely perfect as she was.     

Phew.    it's tough being in a relationship with some one who has no concept of who they are.

'ducks

Hi, 'ducks! 
Yes, this is so spot on. My ex was compelled to sabotage everything positive because he just couldn't handle it. He was either unworthy, or it wasn't "good enough". Which is really a black/white contradictory way of thinking so typical of BPD. It really all did boil down to having no solid sense of self. He really was an impulsive man-child living in the moment and so incredibly fragile/unpredictable in every way. I don't think he has ever been able to feel "comfortable" with anything. No matter how good it is or was.

The really tragic irony is that he destroys every shot he gets at happiness, and the more he does that, the more elusive happiness becomes, and the more profound his rage becomes... .rage that is directed at those who loved him and cared for him. The cycle just keeps getting more and more vicious, and his losses more and more profound. Soon his kids, the one thing that keeps him clinging to some kind of sanity, (sometimes) will move out. I fear for him when that happens, because he is already exhibiting the fear of abandonment when it comes to them.

[babyducks]

 

Yes, this is so spot on. My ex was compelled to sabotage everything positive because he just couldn't handle it. He was either unworthy, or it wasn't "good enough". Which is really a black/white contradictory way of thinking so typical of BPD. It really all did boil down to having no solid sense of self.

Yup.    I am embarrassed to admit how long it took me to see this pattern.   and come to terms with the idea.     somehow my EX was/is reliving the same script... .over and over again.   whatever happened to cause her damage in her youth is happening over and over again, every day, in big and small ways.

I've been predicting disaster with/for my EX on and off for a while.   and it hasn't happened.   she has an uncanny ability to land on her feet.    because she has the ability to pick up the characteristics of the people around her and mimic them... .she can pick up the better character traits of the people she knows (including me) and fold them into her fragile sense of self.   she just can't keep them... .

'ducks

[BasementDweller]

somehow my EX was/is reliving the same script... .over and over again.   

Yup, mine too. But each time the bottom falls out, he loses his tenuous grip on some kind of sanity a little bit more. The problem is, he's getting older and realizing he's alone... .again. But this time he lost a genuinely good person that did not just discard him or accept his discard attempts when they began. I was there for him in some pretty dark times. I had a way thicker skin than the others. He knows, through all his misery - I was genuine. He lost the kind of woman he always wanted. Even with me and my infinite patience, he couldn't pull it together enough to preserve it. As has been said here before - it takes two people to make a relationship work... .but only one to destroy it.

I've been predicting disaster with/for my EX on and off for a while.   and it hasn't happened.   she has an uncanny ability to land on her feet.    because she has the ability to pick up the characteristics of the people around her and mimic them... .she can pick up the better character traits of the people she knows (including me) and fold them into her fragile sense of self.   she just can't keep them... .

'ducks

Also the same here. He's oddly resilient, even if sometimes his self-destructive tendencies get so bad, I'm afraid he'll get himself killed or jailed. He does manage to turn on the charm in times of need and find people to coddle him when it comes down to it... .but the older and more damaged he gets, the less likely that will be. He's on borrowed time. A 51 year old man who hasn't ever managed a successful relationship and has gotten more unstable and not less over the years... .isn't all that cute. I really do fear when his kids leave the nest, he's going to plummet. Fortunately, the youngest is still four years away from legal adulthood, but that will fly by. And I have seen the signs of them getting annoyed when he gets too clingy.

I wish him well, and I hope a miracle happens and he lives to be an old but cantankerous man that somehow finds and accepts love. Hell, I'd have grown old and died with him if he hadn't worked so hard to drive me away. Maybe he'll eventually learn to put the guns down. Maybe he'll grow exhausted of keeping up the chaos. I know I would. But these pwBPD are like unhinged Energizer Bunnies. They just keep going and going and going... .

[Chitchat]

One of the more amazing things for me to try and understand was how …... in the best of times,  when things were going well,  and when things were good, my Ex was absolutely programmed to destroy it.

It's purely emotional trauma. The theory is that your ex did not find security in closeness as an infant, and growing up they never learned give and take, boundaries and adult relationship skills. Closeness may trigger fears of abandonment, failure or loss of identity. Closeness is just too confusing. Loneliness and unhappiness are familiar and comforting. Abusive behaviour is another escape.

(Why are there no sad emoticons?)

 

[BasementDweller]

It's purely emotional trauma. The theory is that your ex did not find security in closeness as an infant, and growing up they never learned give and take, boundaries and adult relationship skills. Closeness may trigger fears of abandonment, failure or loss of identity. Closeness is just too confusing. Loneliness and unhappiness are familiar and comforting. Abusive behaviour is another escape.

(Why are there no sad emoticons?)

 

So true, chitchat.   We used to have more emojis, but the template changed. I wonder if it can be added to again? 

When you take into consideration that my ex is from an emotionally unstable family with an abusive dBPD mother, histrionic sister, distant alcoholic father, and was abandoned and sent to live with distant relatives from the ages of 1.5 - 4 by his parents for reasons unknown... .it's not remotely surprising that he ended up exactly as you describe.

Fortunately, and to his credit he has done WAY, WAY better with his sons. Very present, and despite being high strung and sometimes annoying to them, he loves them dearly, and they him. And they are really, really good kids. He can't pull off a healthy relationship with a partner, but he's a very good dad. Such a shame, really. He wants so much to have a good relationship with a woman and every time it turns to sh!t, he blames the woman. The common denominator in every one of those horrifically failed unions is him, though. But he can't see past the end of his nose to realize he *might* be sabotaging his own happiness. But you are right, loneliness and unhappiness are always the dark places he runs back to, time and time again.

[Chitchat]

sent to live with distant relatives from the ages of 1.5 - 4 by his parents for reasons unknown

Trauma from 18 - 24 months are thought to be critical in BPD.

How old are the children?

My ex is caring for her abusive older sister's two children.

[BasementDweller]

Trauma from 18 - 24 months are thought to be critical in BPD.

How old are the children?

My ex is caring for her abusive older sister's two children.

The kids are 14 and 17. Both thankfully really well adjusted. The younger one shows some signs of emotional fragility - but nothing startling. Seems to be a normal personality variant. He's a very creative and inquisitive type. He always bonded well with me, and we really "got each other", and my ex often said that he was really glad I was around because both he and the boy's mother often didn't know how to relate to him when he got moody. I totally did - which is sad. He doesn't have that anymore, and when my ex was being normal(ish) he'd tell me what a good thing my presence was in the kid's life. The older kid is more chill and laid back and a bit introverted. He doesn't "need" much. He's quite independent and likes to hang out with his friends. I suspect he'll be the type to get his own apartment as soon as he's 18 or 19 years old. My ex is dreading it, even though he knows it's natural.

Yes, the trauma he suffered at that tender age is the perfect storm for an adult with BPD to emerge. He has  a picture of himself at about the age of 4 and you can already see it. He looks timid and a bit haunted and has a type of pain in his eyes that no 4 year old should have. Whenever he'd really go off the rails, I'd look at that picture and remind myself that he didn't ask for this, and he didn't deserve this lot in life. It helped me to shelve the anger over how badly he could act, and feel more compassion instead. When he dysregulates, his face still looks the same as that little boy in the photo. It still breaks my heart to think about it.

[MeandThee29]

It's hard.

Mine had a birthday awhile back, and we had another anniversary. I didn't do anything. The disordered thinking and extreme ultimatums are alive and well. I decided not to contact him on anything unless I have strong reasons to believe that he's gotten help and is willing to accept some accountability for his behavior.

I had several weeks of funk over the milestones but got through it. I got into a bad habit of drinking in the evening and decided that I can't have it in the house any more after that.

It's tough, but we just have to make new memories.

[BasementDweller]

It's tough, but we just have to make new memories.

Exactly. It's all we can do.   I don't mind having contact with my ex, but I let him make the overtures. He's not harassing me or trying to recycle like that. He's made it clear to me he never wants me back because I am a horrible person.

Occasionally, he forgets he feels that way, and is pleasant and civil, and maybe even wants to meet for a bite to eat. But no recycle attempts, no reconciliation talk. I am certain the guilt and shame of how we ended and the fact that I am fully aware of his smear campaign means he will stay distant. Too much damage was done, and he knows it. I don't think he has ever considered reconciling with an ex.

With the exception of the kids' mom, whom he has to co-parent with, he has zero contact with a single person he has ever had involvement with. I am the only one he still talks to at all, about anything.

He's really good at the discard. Once he throws someone away, he never looks back. It's as if they never existed. Of all the negative traits he has, this one chills me to the bone more than anything. His absolute lack of remorse or acknowledgement of the humanity and existence of any of his ex-partners strikes me as psychopathic. I don't have a single ex I am not still friends with to this day, and on good terms with. How he does what he does... .go from "loving someone" to having them cease to exist... .it's actually creepy as hell. It shows that he just sees women as objects. They are either his current partner, or they are nothing. He doesn't have s single female friend. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't go around objectifying women in a crass, sexual or "metoo" kind of way. (He'd have never gotten past "hello" with me if there was even an inkling of that.) It's like they don't even exist unless they are serving a purpose for him at that very moment.

Maybe that's why he doesn't do the recycle/replace thing. He pairs up for a while, and when it fails, he self isolates until someone worms their way in again. It can be six months to a year before he lets anyone else in. Then he tries for a while, and ultimately ejects them from his life when he starts to feel engulfed, only to self-isolate again.

Come to think of it, his relationships with men are very fleeting and superficial too. He has one "real" friend and a few colleagues he gets on ok with on an extremely superficial level. But really... .he's incredibly closed off.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, I hear you. Mine told me early on that if I ever had an affair, it would be over immediately. He also cut off a sibling for ten years who did something that I would consider relatively minor, so that was a warning as well. As time went on, his work relationships seemed strained, and he didn't have any friends outside of work.

When we separated, he chose a town some distance from his relatives where he knew no one and told me multiple times that he wanted to live somewhere where NO ONE would know him. He told me stories of doting on waitresses and such, but to my knowledge isn't close to anyone there.

He said he didn't want to live here because of bad memories, which is of course the black-and-white thinking. We had many, many good memories here. It's been hard working through living in the same town where we lived for the majority of our marriage, but I have no regrets about that. A friend observed that it is far better to work through it and come out with a balanced perspective than to run and blot out the past. And of course I've been able to rekindle some friendships I had neglected and treasure the good times. When I'm out doing errands, it's very common to run into people I know, and that's a comfort. Today I ran into a friend who is also separated and is a cashier at the grocery store I go to, and then I saw another at the pharmacy who led a kid's group my two young adults were involved in years back. Both gave me big hugs.

We already have plans lined up for the upcoming holidays, and it's looking likely that I may get a full-time job soon. Life is looking up!

[BasementDweller]

Yes, I hear you. Mine told me early on that if I ever had an affair, it would be over immediately. He also cut off a sibling for ten years who did something that I would consider relatively minor, so that was a warning as well. As time went on, his work relationships seemed strained, and he didn't have any friends outside of work.

Hi there meandthee! Sorry for delay in response to your post. I haven't been on the boards much in the last few days. My ex, for a pwBPD, wasn't horribly jealous... .a little bit at times but nothing I'd consider out of the ordinary for anyone. We both easily agreed that cheating was a deal breaker, and there wasn't even room for debate on that one. We both had the same exact values there. I guess that's ONE problem we didn't have.  He DID, however, cut people off at the drop of a hat, (myself included eventually) and I think other people cut him off a time or two as well, because he was really a difficult man, and could be very abrasive. Of course he never knew "why everyone was so mean to him", but in retrospect, I can see now that he was playing the victim and likely pissed a lot of people off by being mouthy and rude. This definitely happened with former colleagues and employers as well as some friends that are no longer present for reasons unknown - at least to me.

Him disowning his mother and sister is a repeat occurrence, and he recants on it every few years, but as soon as either of them annoys him,  operation "shut-down" is back on. Granted his mother is BPD and abusive, and his sister is Histrionic PD and an absolute handful, so I guess I can't always blame him, since he has all the crazy he can possible handle on his own. Throw those two into the mix, and well let's just say... .it's a bit much. 

When we separated, he chose a town some distance from his relatives where he knew no one and told me multiple times that he wanted to live somewhere where NO ONE would know him. He told me stories of doting on waitresses and such, but to my knowledge isn't close to anyone there.

I hear you there. My ex was able to have superficially jovial conversations with anyone, regardless of age, gender, etc... .as long as it was casual and they were really friendly to him. Anyone he got close to, whose opinion mattered to him, or even waitstaff/store personnel who were too busy to really indulge his need for attention were annoying to him, and he would then get defensive. It was exhausting, that he did not understand that the guy at the cash register ringing up his bag of chips was not required to kiss his ass, or validate him for 15 minutes straight whenever he needed it. The world not revolving around him was something he didn't do well with. He fancied himself an extrovert, but he was really an attention hound... .because he really felt unloved, and any attention was good attention.

My bad, but early on in the relationship, he was annoying the crap out of a couple at the bus stop just chatting away at them. (He would do this to just about anyone, but often gave me the silent treatment.) I could read the annoyance in their faces and tone, and it was painful and embarrassing to withstand. Later on, as nicely as I could, I let him know that he was sometimes overwhelming to people, and suggested maybe he tone it down.

Not understanding BPD, you can imagine the violent backlash and butt-hurt dramatic overreaction THAT caused. He never let me forget it. NEVER.

After that I just walked away as if I didn't know him when he would start yapping at strangers who were just - not having it. Poor guy. I don't want to sound mean, but he had NO boundaries. And yes... .it embarrassed me.

Close friends? He has one. And I am not sure how much longer that is going to last. His distortion campaign of me, which his friend discovered was outright falsehoods, cast my ex in a whole new light for him. I think he's distancing himself a bit now.

When I'm out doing errands, it's very common to run into people I know, and that's a comfort. Today I ran into a friend who is also separated and is a cashier at the grocery store I go to, and then I saw another at the pharmacy who led a kid's group my two young adults were involved in years back. Both gave me big hugs.

We already have plans lined up for the upcoming holidays, and it's looking likely that I may get a full-time job soon. Life is looking up!

Yay, I'm happy to hear this! I could use a little of that luck myself, though I am making small gains. I'm starting to participate in life again, and have been dating a guy who is really kind and shows no red flags of lunacy. He's very patient and accepts me for who I am. I haven't heard a breath of criticism from him, and when he is gentle and caring if I feel sick or cranky - I realize that is how it is SUPPOSED to be. If I had a less than perfect day, or felt low or needed support or understanding, my ex could not and would not give it. I got only rage and criticism. Because I wasn't allowed to have needs. That took away from the focus being 100% on him at all times. As many have said here, the passionate highs aren't the same as they are with a person who is emotionally intense. But the lows were so bad, I don't ever want to go back to that. Withstanding abuse just to recapture the "honeymoon phase" again for a little while before the next explosion occurred... .no thanks. I'll take consistently consistent over Jeckyll and Hyde any day. That always was my preference, anyway. So I strayed once. Lesson learned.

I hope you have a fantastic holiday season surrounded by lots of love and laughter.