Left 2.5 years ago but still often consumed with self doubt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As the subject line stated, I had to escape my marriage of over 21 years over 2 years ago. But I still deal with guilt and self-doubt and wonder if maybe she was the normal one and I am the crazy one. The therapists I have gone to think I am joking when I express this and try to remind me of her actions over the years, but when I see her and she is completely normal I sometimes get pulled back into the rabbit-hole.

[escapedalive]

As the subject line stated, I had to escape my marriage of over 21 years over 2 years ago. But I still deal with guilt and self-doubt and wonder if maybe she was the normal one and I am the crazy one. The therapists I have gone to think I am joking when I express this and try to remind me of her actions over the years, but when I see her and she is completely normal I sometimes get pulled back into the rabbit-hole.

[takingandsending]

Hi escapedalive and Welcome to bpdfamily.

Just the fact that you are able to look within and ask that question says something. Does it make you totally healthy, sane, emotionally sound? No, but it is definitely a trait that is missing or very weak within people with a PD.

Can you speak a little bit more about why you may feel that way, and what her actions were? The Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that we live under in a relationship with a pwBPD is something to be aware of. Ending 21 years of marriage with someone that, depending on the severity of the disorder, likely spent many of those days/hours/years gas lighting, blame shifting, projecting can mix a person up pretty badly. I count myself in that category. I am 1.5 years out of a 17 year marriage, and I still find myself in the FOG when I deal with my xw.

There is a lot of healing and help, here. Please keep posting. Your story is important.

[Mutt]

Hi escapealive,



I’d like to join takingandsending and welcome you to the group. So sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site.

I want to echo takingandsending it  sounds like you’re still pretty thick in the fog after 2 years how frequently do you contact each other? I felt like I was losing it and thought that I was the crazy one too my D12 now notices how her mom blames her for everything that’s going to affect her too.

Can you expand on the guilty feelings? Si you feel guilty because you think that if you had worked s little harder you could have saved the marriage? Are you worried about your pwBPD not being able to take care of themselves? It helps to talk.

[ForeverDad]

... .when I see her and she is completely normal I sometimes get pulled back into the rabbit-hole.

No, she is not completely normal.  She appears so.  There is a huge difference.

She seems more normal because you are no longer close to her.  She is able to maintain her image of seeming normalcy.  However, if you got into a close relationship with her again, she would feel compelled to drop her public face and you'd see yet again her private face.

BPD is a disorder more evident the closer the relationship.  Now that you're apart, what you're seeing is her public persona.

[livednlearned]

when I see her and she is completely normal I sometimes get pulled back into the rabbit-hole.

In what way do you get pulled back into the rabbit hole?

Can you tell us a little more about what happened with her in the relationship, and how often you have to see her?