Will she try and come back?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I have another thread posted on here but one of my main concerns, and what I want most insight on is if my ex will try and come back. I know there is no definitive answer, but i'd like some advice or intake on my story.

Long story short my ex and I were seeing eachother for about 6 months with no label and no talk about if we were seeing other people or not. Near the end of those 6 months I started asking questions and asking about making things official. After a few attempts she finally admitted she was in love with me. This was back last July (2017) when we first started making things official, but our friends and family new about eachother before this. The first 1-2 months were great, we were happy and really enjoying eachothers company. I am not one to fight, or to engage in fights. I'm a very passive and emotional person, so when she started realizing that it ticked her off. She wanted to get a rise out of me, and she openly admitted that. From there on she had many random out breaks (especially when she was under the influence) and two separate times she slapped me across the face for no reason at all.

The first time she broke up with me she decided to drive to her ex's that night and sleep with her. A few days later when I asked for my things back and everything she came crying back to me. Saying she was only in love with me and she made a mistake. I took her back, stupidly. This happened about 3 more times in our relationship. We're fine, I take her back, she puts me on a high pedestal, I become boring, she leaves me. She also continuously would mention about how she was curious about guys (which is fine with me, i'm gay) but she was extremely passive and rude about it. Also she is not "out" to her family but they knew/know about me and obviously know she dates girls. But she has too much pride to come out. I think she wants to be with guys so her family is happy.

After our last "break up" she had a complete break down. Called me saying if I didn't come see her that she probably would try and hurt herself or commit suicide. I didn't want to get back with her, but I needed to go see her because I was terrified. I went and she was covered in hives, itching herself, rocking back and forth in the middle of the night hearing things etc. I almost took her to the hospital. She went to urgent care the next day with her grandma and got a month prescription. After this incident she slowly pulled me back in. Talking about moving in together, marriage, giving me keys to her place etc. I've noticed too, every time I know shes starting to devalue me and pull me away she plans a weekend trip for us, and then during and after the trip shes miserable with me. Recently (2 weekends ago) we went on a trip, she began to act weird and not affectionate at all. I had a breakdown that night and the next day because i've been feeling lonely when it comes to my living situation since I work from home and I live in a new state the past year. But she blamed it on me engulfing in her feelings. Saying I was acting that way because she was neglecting me.

After the trip I noticed she was being weird via text - barely answering or not engaging. But during this I was still in a state of panic and sadness. Not because of her but because of my own situation. So I unhealthy kept texting/calling her - nothing crazy mostly normal conversation and I waited for her to answer but she could tell I was "pushing." We then got on a phone conversation and I was asking how she was - she basically said she needed space from social media etc. and wanted to read. At this point I was in a state of panic still and I just needed her around - but she wasn't having it. This conversation ended up in a big fight and me panicking and crying texting her asking her to continue to answer me because I was afraid. Somehow she turned it into me not accepting that I'm upset because of her and how she asked. It resulted in her saying that she wants me and what we have - but it isn't enough. I replied saying I understood and that I wished her the best. I wanted to leave it at that. But then she decided to answer and say she wished me the best, thanked me for everything i've done, and then said "DON'T make me out to be a monster." this infuriated me. Throughout our whole relationship I did nothing but stick up for her when my friends and family knew she kept leaving me for her ex - they also know she has mental disorder so they were always understanding. But she has the nerve to say that when she came to my place myself and my roommate made her out to be a "monster." I basically said screw you and your apology.

The next morning I sent her this long text telling her how much myself, my friends and family love her. And how my roommate has a skewed perception on mental illness and addiction because her father is that way and he never changed. But I worded it wrong - I guess I made it seem like I was saying she won't ever change and that my roommate and I don't believe she ever will WHICH IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. I also said that if what will make her happy is leaving me than I need to let her go even tho she's the love of my life. She answered and said shed be deleting me, my friends, and my family from social media. I replied asking her not to, and asking her if we can meet and discuss the possibilities of an open relationship, and if not we can exchange our things and say goodbye. She said shed let me know a few days following - but she never did. The day we would have met up - she deleted me (but not my friends nor family) off social. She contacted me a week after that apologizing saying she needed time to think and then sent me a passage from a book saying that in r/s a partner is her drug at the beginning of the relationship and at the end. I responded saying I was doing my own research etc. She asked me why I was doing that if there is not guarantee ill "have her." I said I wasn't doing it for that reason but to help me understand where I went wrong and what happened. I then double texted her asking if she could give me a ring. She called me but she was very rude, irritated, and short. I basically apologized for my actions and for continuously texting her in my state of panic when she just simply asked me to leave her alone. I then stated that I have been waiting a week to understand what she's thinking and that she's had time to think - so I wanted answers. She basically said she was done and that what I said about not changing hurt her and that this isn't healthy for her and she won't forget that I said that. She then called me crazy for asking for my things back and refused to mail me my things and insisted we meet up and face eachother - but then insisted shed let me know when because that requires a lot of energy and for her to find a day that shes free.

She has yet to delete my family/friends on social, and she still have photos of me on her page. I'm nervous because i'm not sure if this is a calm before a storm - or if shes actually through with me and shes just keeping my things to feel powerful. I'm not saying I want to get back with her because I don't - not unless she gets extensive help and therapy. But I feel like shes painted me black - and i'm afraid thats how shell always view me. Although on the phone she said i'm "the best person" It seems like she feels like its too late for redemption. I'm not sure. I have so many thoughts. I know that I should focus on myself right now and getting better - which I have been by going to therapy and i'm also considering going to a co-dependency anonymous tonight. It just kills me to think that one day/night i'm going to look down at my phone and see her name again.

[ktkb23]

So I have another thread posted on here but one of my main concerns, and what I want most insight on is if my ex will try and come back. I know there is no definitive answer, but i'd like some advice or intake on my story.

Long story short my ex and I were seeing eachother for about 6 months with no label and no talk about if we were seeing other people or not. Near the end of those 6 months I started asking questions and asking about making things official. After a few attempts she finally admitted she was in love with me. This was back last July (2017) when we first started making things official, but our friends and family new about eachother before this. The first 1-2 months were great, we were happy and really enjoying eachothers company. I am not one to fight, or to engage in fights. I'm a very passive and emotional person, so when she started realizing that it ticked her off. She wanted to get a rise out of me, and she openly admitted that. From there on she had many random out breaks (especially when she was under the influence) and two separate times she slapped me across the face for no reason at all.

The first time she broke up with me she decided to drive to her ex's that night and sleep with her. A few days later when I asked for my things back and everything she came crying back to me. Saying she was only in love with me and she made a mistake. I took her back, stupidly. This happened about 3 more times in our relationship. We're fine, I take her back, she puts me on a high pedestal, I become boring, she leaves me. She also continuously would mention about how she was curious about guys (which is fine with me, i'm gay) but she was extremely passive and rude about it. Also she is not "out" to her family but they knew/know about me and obviously know she dates girls. But she has too much pride to come out. I think she wants to be with guys so her family is happy.

After our last "break up" she had a complete break down. Called me saying if I didn't come see her that she probably would try and hurt herself or commit suicide. I didn't want to get back with her, but I needed to go see her because I was terrified. I went and she was covered in hives, itching herself, rocking back and forth in the middle of the night hearing things etc. I almost took her to the hospital. She went to urgent care the next day with her grandma and got a month prescription. After this incident she slowly pulled me back in. Talking about moving in together, marriage, giving me keys to her place etc. I've noticed too, every time I know shes starting to devalue me and pull me away she plans a weekend trip for us, and then during and after the trip shes miserable with me. Recently (2 weekends ago) we went on a trip, she began to act weird and not affectionate at all. I had a breakdown that night and the next day because i've been feeling lonely when it comes to my living situation since I work from home and I live in a new state the past year. But she blamed it on me engulfing in her feelings. Saying I was acting that way because she was neglecting me.

After the trip I noticed she was being weird via text - barely answering or not engaging. But during this I was still in a state of panic and sadness. Not because of her but because of my own situation. So I unhealthy kept texting/calling her - nothing crazy mostly normal conversation and I waited for her to answer but she could tell I was "pushing." We then got on a phone conversation and I was asking how she was - she basically said she needed space from social media etc. and wanted to read. At this point I was in a state of panic still and I just needed her around - but she wasn't having it. This conversation ended up in a big fight and me panicking and crying texting her asking her to continue to answer me because I was afraid. Somehow she turned it into me not accepting that I'm upset because of her and how she asked. It resulted in her saying that she wants me and what we have - but it isn't enough. I replied saying I understood and that I wished her the best. I wanted to leave it at that. But then she decided to answer and say she wished me the best, thanked me for everything i've done, and then said "DON'T make me out to be a monster." this infuriated me. Throughout our whole relationship I did nothing but stick up for her when my friends and family knew she kept leaving me for her ex - they also know she has mental disorder so they were always understanding. But she has the nerve to say that when she came to my place myself and my roommate made her out to be a "monster." I basically said screw you and your apology.

The next morning I sent her this long text telling her how much myself, my friends and family love her. And how my roommate has a skewed perception on mental illness and addiction because her father is that way and he never changed. But I worded it wrong - I guess I made it seem like I was saying she won't ever change and that my roommate and I don't believe she ever will WHICH IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. I also said that if what will make her happy is leaving me than I need to let her go even tho she's the love of my life. She answered and said shed be deleting me, my friends, and my family from social media. I replied asking her not to, and asking her if we can meet and discuss the possibilities of an open relationship, and if not we can exchange our things and say goodbye. She said shed let me know a few days following - but she never did. The day we would have met up - she deleted me (but not my friends nor family) off social. She contacted me a week after that apologizing saying she needed time to think and then sent me a passage from a book saying that in r/s a partner is her drug at the beginning of the relationship and at the end. I responded saying I was doing my own research etc. She asked me why I was doing that if there is not guarantee ill "have her." I said I wasn't doing it for that reason but to help me understand where I went wrong and what happened. I then double texted her asking if she could give me a ring. She called me but she was very rude, irritated, and short. I basically apologized for my actions and for continuously texting her in my state of panic when she just simply asked me to leave her alone. I then stated that I have been waiting a week to understand what she's thinking and that she's had time to think - so I wanted answers. She basically said she was done and that what I said about not changing hurt her and that this isn't healthy for her and she won't forget that I said that. She then called me crazy for asking for my things back and refused to mail me my things and insisted we meet up and face eachother - but then insisted shed let me know when because that requires a lot of energy and for her to find a day that shes free.

She has yet to delete my family/friends on social, and she still have photos of me on her page. I'm nervous because i'm not sure if this is a calm before a storm - or if shes actually through with me and shes just keeping my things to feel powerful. I'm not saying I want to get back with her because I don't - not unless she gets extensive help and therapy. But I feel like shes painted me black - and i'm afraid thats how shell always view me. Although on the phone she said i'm "the best person" It seems like she feels like its too late for redemption. I'm not sure. I have so many thoughts. I know that I should focus on myself right now and getting better - which I have been by going to therapy and i'm also considering going to a co-dependency anonymous tonight. It just kills me to think that one day/night i'm going to look down at my phone and see her name again.

[once removed]

I'm nervous because i'm not sure if this is a calm before a storm - or if shes actually through with me and shes just keeping my things to feel powerful.
... .
It just kills me to think that one day/night i'm going to look down at my phone and see her name again.

remember what i mentioned about anxiety, how it primes us to anticipate threats, and that fight or flight takes hold, we prepare to respond to these perceived threats.

the two of you ended on good terms, ktb23. i see no indication that she will become vindictive toward you.

granted, her feelings were hurt, and shes grieving. it is likely that she needs space and time to heal - i think thats why shes hesitant to return your belongings at this point. its a very trying and emotionally draining exchange/interaction, and shes probably not eager to do it.

she may be more inclined in a few weeks time, with some space. that space can be helpful for you too.

how important are the belongings? what stuff are we talking about?

[ktkb23]

remember what i mentioned about anxiety, how it primes us to anticipate threats, and that fight or flight takes hold, we prepare to respond to these perceived threats.

the two of you ended on good terms, ktb23. i see no indication that she will become vindictive toward you.

granted, her feelings were hurt, and shes grieving. it is likely that she needs space and time to heal - i think thats why shes hesitant to return your belongings at this point. its a very trying and emotionally draining exchange/interaction, and shes probably not eager to do it.

she may be more inclined in a few weeks time, with some space. that space can be helpful for you too.

how important are the belongings? what stuff are we talking about?

I understand why she is hesitant to give them back and to see me, but I made a point where we didn't have to do that. I told her how she could just mail my things to me but she insisted that she wanted me to "face her." If she doesn't want to go through the emotionally draining exchange/interaction yet (which I don't want either) why can't we exchange things via mail and then at a later date if we feel necessary we can meet and say our "goodbyes" per-say? I just feel like she's trying to have a hold over me by keeping my things.

I guess they aren't very important. She has a lot of my clothes and a few books. But to be honest it isn't so much about me wanting them back, but more so that I don't want her in possession of my things anymore - I feel like its a trophy for her of some sort.

Thank you for always answering threads and being great about it - I know that a lot of the things i'm saying are repetitive.

[once removed]

I just feel like she's trying to have a hold over me by keeping my things.
... .
I feel like its a trophy for her of some sort.

in our hurt, its easy to see the source of our hurt as having malicious intent, proportionate to how hurt we are.

search your heart and your mind here. you know this girl. is there anything about her that you know that would suggest shes trying to hold power over you or retain a trophy? to what end?

i suspect that shes being difficult about it because she is also hurt. the "face me" stuff may be ascribing you malicious intent, proportionate to how hurt she is.

likely, it will blow over.

however, sometimes people can be really difficult about it. my ex was. i had the same goal, to get my stuff back as a means of forcing closure "on my terms". it drug out for months, and delayed my attaching process - i didnt want to let go. your ex is not mine. she might just need time, but if the belongings arent important you may want to consider writing them off.

as for will she try to come back: over 60% of relationships recycle once or twice. second thoughts are normal. she knows your feelings, and her hurt feelings over the comment may subside. if youre truly done, this is nothing to worry about. if youre not, and you mutually decide to rekindle the relationship, youre going to want and need a different game plan, and the Bettering board can help.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ktkb23, Are you hoping for a recycle?  If so, many of us, including me, have done it.  The problem is that those who recycle often find themselves in the same place, except with more pain, farther down the line.  What makes you think a recycle would play out differently?  Worth thinking about.

LuckyJim

[gilac]

wow. the push-pull part at the end that you were describing... .exactly the same thing happened to me, same reaction from her on the same kind of positive messages she received from me after the break up

the breakup itself was hard but nothing compared to that devastating part after that

I was also waiting for her answer about how she viewed the situation, and I also didn't get any answer, just a complete discard one night after which she went out and was in a company with another man (who she "hated" before, of course)
the only difference from your situation is that she actually deleted my family from social media

you should go full NC, even if you want her to someday give you a call or not, it will be sooner if you stop apologising and asking her questions... I mean, I still didn't get any call from her but things will be calmer if you cut all contact. my stuff is still at her place, in case she didn't burn them, she used to do that after previous relationships (according to her, anyway)

but the best thing would be if you concetrate on yourself only and don't wish to recycle with that kind of a person (I also work from home, I know how it can feel sometimes)