BPDw and Constant Triggers -- Making Any Kind of Communication Impossible

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I have been with my BPDw for almost 9 years, married 5 years ago, and had a child, now 4. BEFORE the child she wasn't perfect, but, seemed like there was someone in there with empathy, sympathy, so I tolerated it. I would NOT have gotten married if I even remotely thought she had BPD, or knew what it was at the time. She was more or less your standard entitled millennial and thought the world owes her -- but, that's a LOT of people these days, so I looked past it.

Anyway, fast forward to now, after the baby, it's like she exponentially started having BPD traits to the point, I started researching PPD, OCD, BPD, NPD, you name it and landed on BPD 100% perfect match for 8 of the 9 traits in the DSM.

I stay for my daughter, but every day it gets increasingly harder -- my BPDw has split me black after the birth, she doesn't work, refuses to talk, is just ANGRY all the time -- I work at home, always have, make a very good living, nice house, I take the burden of our daughter off her each day, etc. the BPDw has very little responsibilities, but won't do them -- the simplest way to describe her is like a child or teenager now that if she does NOT get her way, she rages.

She can change moods minute by minute, we can be having a simple conversation and everything is fine, then I ask a question, or say something she doesn't like and instead of TALKING like an adult and have a civil conversation she goes into rage mode.

The problem is now, her life consists of 10-12 hours of social media a day, taking pics of herself, posting on instagram to get likes and people to buy stuff, $30-35K in debt on her credit cards, I can't stop her. And the other time she is on the phone 20-30 times a day with her mom who encourages this behavior -- they have an enmeshed relationship (something I recently learned the term for), and don't have a mother daughter relationship, but a BFF relationship.

Anyway, my problem is simple -- she is a BPD, I get it, I have tried EVERYTHING from suggestions here, to therapists, to trying to get her to stop drinking caffiene, ANYTHING to reduce the edge on her mood and anger swings -- but, no luck.

I simply can't talk to her about anything -- a few words, a simple question, you name it, it enrages her -- but, when she wants to talk or wants SOMETHING -- she comes to me sweet and nice, of course, I don't buy it, and only give her want she wants if its a reasonable request -- I have already learned the escalating demands BPDs make --

Example of how crazy she is: Her b-day was last week, and I don't want her treating me bad to make me treat her and other people bad. So, I decorated the house after she went to sleep, ballons, flowers, got her a nice gift, cake, etc. I work late, got up the next day -- I am expecting "something" from her, like WOW! But, instead she says "Oh, ya the ballons... ."

I was just like wow in my head -- but, I knew she wanted to fight to blame me for her feeling bad about getting "old" -- 36. Anyway, next up, she demands we go to dinner, but toddler is sick, so we can't go, so then demands I drive 1 hour to get cheese cake, I do -- if for nothing more than to see what happens... .I come home, no thank you, nothing, just a "ok, put it in the fridge" -- Next she says she wants pizza, and she wants it delivered -- so, an hour goes by, its getting late, she is playing video games, I say "sweetie, its getting late, why don't you order the pizza before they close" -- simple reminder, if I don't remind her, and they close she will EXPLODE, also, she won't make dinner, I will have to, etc. So dammed if I do,... .Anyway, this simple comment to BENEFIT her causes her to explode -- I WILL ORDER IT WHEN I AM DONE -- I hate you, stop controlling me, then she gets up, tells me how much she hates the present I got her, then goes and starts tearing down the decorations -- This is what I am dealing with 24/7. Bat sh$t crazy.

So, my question is has anyone else got to a place where any communication, simple questions, trigger rage? She is cruel, mean, says the most horrible things, threats, divorce, you name it -- and all because is supposed to make dinner or help the daughter with home work, and she is 1-2 hours late, and I say "honey, can you please do X, it's getting late" - and I have tried the SET, she just gets more mad.

I am frustrated because unless I talk to her about giving her money, she simply doesn't want to talk --

If I don't say anything to her, how does that help?

If I try to talk to her, she simply gets mad because I am not only "talking" to her, but because of her cell phone addiction, if she has to look away from the screen she gets pissed off -- the rage in her eyes is scary and pathetic at the same time.

But, a STRANGER comes around, she ACTS 100% different -- it's hilarious.

I need to be able to talk to her about basic household discussions, our daughter, etc. or just ask a simple question like "where are the keys" -- But, anything and everything enrages her -- and she likes to say "when you talk to me it annoys me" -- Well, how am I supposed to communicate with you if talking to you annoys you?

What annoys me is I work 80-100 hours a week, support her for better part of 10 years, she never says thank you, never shows sympathy, empathy, she is 100% broken with BPD -- But, I need to find a way to "talk" about simple things -- Because you can't "parent" and not have communication, its as simple as that. Or when I go to the store, I have to ask "is there anything we need for dinner" -- Bottom line, I am sick of filtering what I say, worrying about how she might explode, this is just nuts -- and I am f'ing exhausted.

I KNOW that other BPDs do the same thing -- But, I have never found any tactic that works -- I feel like she takes out every dislike on instagram, every pimple, gray hair, thing that goes wrong in her life out on me -- and then she calls her mom, tells her, and her mom gives her "permission" to be an A$$ hole -- and round and round we go.

Sigh ---

[LivingWBPDWife]

 

I have been with my BPDw for almost 9 years, married 5 years ago, and had a child, now 4. BEFORE the child she wasn't perfect, but, seemed like there was someone in there with empathy, sympathy, so I tolerated it. I would NOT have gotten married if I even remotely thought she had BPD, or knew what it was at the time. She was more or less your standard entitled millennial and thought the world owes her -- but, that's a LOT of people these days, so I looked past it.

Anyway, fast forward to now, after the baby, it's like she exponentially started having BPD traits to the point, I started researching PPD, OCD, BPD, NPD, you name it and landed on BPD 100% perfect match for 8 of the 9 traits in the DSM.

I stay for my daughter, but every day it gets increasingly harder -- my BPDw has split me black after the birth, she doesn't work, refuses to talk, is just ANGRY all the time -- I work at home, always have, make a very good living, nice house, I take the burden of our daughter off her each day, etc. the BPDw has very little responsibilities, but won't do them -- the simplest way to describe her is like a child or teenager now that if she does NOT get her way, she rages.

She can change moods minute by minute, we can be having a simple conversation and everything is fine, then I ask a question, or say something she doesn't like and instead of TALKING like an adult and have a civil conversation she goes into rage mode.

The problem is now, her life consists of 10-12 hours of social media a day, taking pics of herself, posting on instagram to get likes and people to buy stuff, $30-35K in debt on her credit cards, I can't stop her. And the other time she is on the phone 20-30 times a day with her mom who encourages this behavior -- they have an enmeshed relationship (something I recently learned the term for), and don't have a mother daughter relationship, but a BFF relationship.

Anyway, my problem is simple -- she is a BPD, I get it, I have tried EVERYTHING from suggestions here, to therapists, to trying to get her to stop drinking caffiene, ANYTHING to reduce the edge on her mood and anger swings -- but, no luck.

I simply can't talk to her about anything -- a few words, a simple question, you name it, it enrages her -- but, when she wants to talk or wants SOMETHING -- she comes to me sweet and nice, of course, I don't buy it, and only give her want she wants if its a reasonable request -- I have already learned the escalating demands BPDs make --

Example of how crazy she is: Her b-day was last week, and I don't want her treating me bad to make me treat her and other people bad. So, I decorated the house after she went to sleep, ballons, flowers, got her a nice gift, cake, etc. I work late, got up the next day -- I am expecting "something" from her, like WOW! But, instead she says "Oh, ya the ballons... ."

I was just like wow in my head -- but, I knew she wanted to fight to blame me for her feeling bad about getting "old" -- 36. Anyway, next up, she demands we go to dinner, but toddler is sick, so we can't go, so then demands I drive 1 hour to get cheese cake, I do -- if for nothing more than to see what happens... .I come home, no thank you, nothing, just a "ok, put it in the fridge" -- Next she says she wants pizza, and she wants it delivered -- so, an hour goes by, its getting late, she is playing video games, I say "sweetie, its getting late, why don't you order the pizza before they close" -- simple reminder, if I don't remind her, and they close she will EXPLODE, also, she won't make dinner, I will have to, etc. So dammed if I do,... .Anyway, this simple comment to BENEFIT her causes her to explode -- I WILL ORDER IT WHEN I AM DONE -- I hate you, stop controlling me, then she gets up, tells me how much she hates the present I got her, then goes and starts tearing down the decorations -- This is what I am dealing with 24/7. Bat sh$t crazy.

So, my question is has anyone else got to a place where any communication, simple questions, trigger rage? She is cruel, mean, says the most horrible things, threats, divorce, you name it -- and all because is supposed to make dinner or help the daughter with home work, and she is 1-2 hours late, and I say "honey, can you please do X, it's getting late" - and I have tried the SET, she just gets more mad.

I am frustrated because unless I talk to her about giving her money, she simply doesn't want to talk --

If I don't say anything to her, how does that help?

If I try to talk to her, she simply gets mad because I am not only "talking" to her, but because of her cell phone addiction, if she has to look away from the screen she gets pissed off -- the rage in her eyes is scary and pathetic at the same time.

But, a STRANGER comes around, she ACTS 100% different -- it's hilarious.

I need to be able to talk to her about basic household discussions, our daughter, etc. or just ask a simple question like "where are the keys" -- But, anything and everything enrages her -- and she likes to say "when you talk to me it annoys me" -- Well, how am I supposed to communicate with you if talking to you annoys you?

What annoys me is I work 80-100 hours a week, support her for better part of 10 years, she never says thank you, never shows sympathy, empathy, she is 100% broken with BPD -- But, I need to find a way to "talk" about simple things -- Because you can't "parent" and not have communication, its as simple as that. Or when I go to the store, I have to ask "is there anything we need for dinner" -- Bottom line, I am sick of filtering what I say, worrying about how she might explode, this is just nuts -- and I am f'ing exhausted.

I KNOW that other BPDs do the same thing -- But, I have never found any tactic that works -- I feel like she takes out every dislike on instagram, every pimple, gray hair, thing that goes wrong in her life out on me -- and then she calls her mom, tells her, and her mom gives her "permission" to be an A$$ hole -- and round and round we go.

Sigh ---

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

LivingW, I know what you are going through. I was constantly in tears when uBPD/uNPD H dysregulated, flew into rages, punched holes in the walls in rage and threatened to divorce me, then withheld affection and gave the silent treatment.   I had no idea I was dealing with a mental illness.  It took me years to understand this.

I am so sorry you are facing this in your marriage.  As much as your wife has BPD, have you considered the possibility of post-partum depression playing a role in the addiction to social media and compulsive shopping?

As with your W, my H is a total chameleon with others, even strangers.  This is because BPDs, due to their lack of identity, don't know who they really are, and it's easy to "blend in" by becoming someone else that others will approve of.

Enmeshment is common with BPDs, and your W is enmeshed with her M; they both reinforce the pathology in each other. My H is so enmeshed with his children, especially his Ds, that they are like mistresses than children.  He talks to them every day by phone, buys them expensive gifts, and talks to them with a syrupy voice.  He is like a best buddy with his son, and it's not the healthy father/son kind of friendship.  It's nauseating.

The addiction to spending and social media is a concern.  Make sure your D is getting the attention and care that she needs as an infant.  Your W may also be comorbid with other PDs like NPD.  

And don't feel bad about trying to surprise your wife with birthday trimmings and her lack of appreciate and lukewarm response.  She is projecting her unhappiness at "old age" and anger at you.  Projection is a common mechanism used by pwBPD.

Deep down inside, BPDs are unhappy people.  They don't know who they are and project their rage onto others, including spouses.  

If you have not already, please read, "Walking On Eggshells."  It's a great guide for family members dealing with a pwBPD.  I also suggest the companion book, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder."  You can find these books easily online.  I like the digital books because they allow me privacy to read.  My H does not have access to my personal phone.

Be strong, LivingW, as you now know the major dynamics of what you are facing.

You must get a handle on your W's spending as her spending addiction can finacially ruin you. As you are the sole breadwinner, you can place a cap on how much she spends.  Formulate a plan to sit down and explain this to your W.

Fianlly, I suggest you get into counseling for yourself if you have not already done so.  Make sure your T knows about personality disorders.  Go yourself and do not include your W as BPDs can easily manipulate the T into thinking you are the crazy one.  Again, BPDs are chameleons.

The BPD traits aside, the social media/video games/cell phones, compulsive shopping, etc. all point to some form of depression.

Take care of yourself and your D.     

[LivingWBPDWife]

Thanks -- yes, I have read both those books. We have been to 2 therapists, the 1st she hated since he didn't buy her lies and would ask her to do things, homework, etc. in our relationship, when she didn't she raged and refused to go. The 2nd therapist was a woman, I thought she might be able to cut thru the BPDw bull faster, I interviewed her and 5-6 others, she was well aware of my BELIEF that the wife was BPD, but after 2-3 months, she did nothing, but coddle her and "listen" instead of trying any kind of DBT, or trying to help the BPDw regulate better, waste of money.

No more therapists, they are useless at best, and it takes 10 to find 1 that's good, and no one can afford that. Plus, I think most of them have serious issues themselves... .

And yes, after the baby she was CLEARLY PPD, I told her mom, told the midwives, begged my wife to go to group therapy, 40-50% of women are PPD after birth, it's not a big deal, fairly standard, but BPDs can NOT admit to anything wrong, so she invalidated the idea. So, the hormonal stress triggered the full blown BPD "awakening" if you will, and its been down hill ever since.

Talking to her is nearly impossible, we can only talk about "is it hot outside?" -- or "can I have money?" those are the only types of discourse we can have, LOL. I can't imagine being able to sit down and discuss finances. When I explain to her she has $35K that I know of credit card debt, no job, and 30% interest, this is nuts -- she says "it takes money to make money" which of course is irrational and today she compared herself to Jeff Bezos (CEO of amazon) and tried to explain that he didn't make a profit at first either -- BTW I am a tech entrepreneur and run a hardware company, before that a software/gaming company, so I know a lot about starting companies, running them and making them profitable. Her intel is based on conversations with her mother (an office clerk).

So, when you can't talk about anything "adult" how do you proceed to raise a child... .This is the problem.

Tomorrow, I have to try and get her to go to DMV and get her drivers license renewed, she is driving illegally, her response to me saying that this is illegal if she gets pulled over or in an accident we could be liable, get a ticket, insurance raised, etc. -- to this she says "it will be fine, don't tell me what to do... ."

This is the level of BPD and immaturity I am dealing with -- her mom hates me, but I called her and tattled on the wife, in hopes SHE could get her to realize this is serious, you do NOT drive without a license, but a week later, BPDw has done everything, but go and take care of this -- 36 and still acts like a 12 year old.

I guess I am curious if anyone has got their BPD to split them back white and split someone else black. I feel like if her enmeshed mother stops giving her everything she wants, she would split her black, and then possibly be humane to me, so we could co-exist with less stress.

I have been black for 4 years now -- since the birth. In retrospect, before I knew about BPD, I was split 1-2 days, maybe a week, then split back for months to white. Now, I am just solid black. The reason for every thing wrong every minute of the day in HER mind... .

[once removed]

If I don't say anything to her, how does that help?
... .
I have never found any tactic that works

the simple answer is not to over rely on tactics, especially if they arent working. let go of what is not in your control.

i understand that may sound trite, and isnt necessarily what you want to hear. but it can be like a dam with lots of holes, and running around trying to fill them all while new ones spring up. it isnt sustainable. you dont have a partner who is presently emotionally available or completely on your side. that might change, but right now, accepting things as they are will give you the space and peace to work on rebuilding your foundation, so to speak.

and to be clear, im not saying simply resign yourself to hopelessness and emotionally abandon the relationship. i am saying dont be swallowed up by it. its a fine line between hopelessness, vs seeing and accepting reality for what it is. when we do the latter, the rest is easier to work with, and then we can start affecting change.

No more therapists, they are useless at best, and it takes 10 to find 1 that's good, and no one can afford that. Plus, I think most of them have serious issues themselves... .

when couples enter therapy, one or both parties often approaches the process by (triangulating) trying to get the therapist to fix the other party, go in with that expectation, and are frustrated when the therapist doesnt join in with that approach. they arent useless, they have an understanding of family systems, conflict, and their own role in it all and a good one will be centered and not pulled into the conflict.

it may be hard to see right now,  and at least as hard to hear, but you are doing a lot of that (triangulating and escalating conflict), and i can understand why, youre at your wits end, but before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.

with things as they are right now, couples therapy is probably not the best idea anyway. what do you think about finding a therapist for just you first, and working a game plan out with them? its possible that your wife might follow your lead.