New Member: Will couples counseling help uncover my wife's BPD?

[Seekingclarity81]

Hello, I have been married to a person with BPD traits for almost 10 years now. We have 3 children that are all daughters. My spouse has been at home with the kids as a stay-at-home mom for 5 years. No matter how hard I work and how hard that I show support and dedication for the family her trigger goes off usually no less than three to four weeks Cycles. It is customary that she hits her flashpoints on the weekends and prior to going to important events. I've never cheated on her, I have never physically abused her, and at the most we have had arguments where I've said things out of anger in which I've regretted and apologize for. For the past 1 and 1/2 years, I have kept it practically squeaky clean profile in such that even in anger I have chosen to walk away or cool down or other productive methods to avoid saying things that I regret. I realize now that even if it's not BPD, she definitely has some type of mental illness that is not being addressed. We are finally going through couples counseling because several weeks ago I mildly suggested to her that it was time to get a job. She blew up went off about how much I don't support what she's doing or appreciate her and she kicked me out of the house. We were separated for a week. Within 2 days of that week she was already begging me to come back and sending me seductive images of herself in an attempt to get me sexually aroused. I admit that I caved in. The sex is great. There is a lot of passion our relationship. But between the two of us, she cannot go for longer than a week or two without starting a fight or escalating into a fight from just a mild disagreement. The latest was a disagreement on how a mutual friend treated a employee of hers which is also a friend when he was mopey a week after finding out his mom had cancer. My position is that it was unfair to her to be gossiping about this person and having a judgmental opinion on what his personality or attitude should be like after finding out his mom has cancer. She wanted to just nitpick at my point of view and tell me how I was wrong and so is someone who had a mom that was also diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and a best friend that was a roommate before his mom was diagnosed and she ended up passing away, I said that I have a point of view that she doesn't have and in addition I know what it's like to have them on this been diagnosed and it should be okay to be sad. This escalated so quickly that it turned into an argument that was more centered around how dare I know that I can say something like she doesn't know what it's like. Everything that is a disagreement turns into a big issue with her and it's hard for her to walk away from things. When things are getting really bad and I was actually worried about my own safety I started journaling and making audio recordings of her verbally abusing me and the kids. She uncovered those journals and even though I've deleted them, she continues to hold them over my head every single day. Last night I went to go work out after being berated by her only to receive a text message one hour later saying that she found out the gym is closed and that she was insinuating that I was cheating on her. Yes, the gym had closed and I have started driving home. It is to the point where I can't even take her seriously anymore and I don't know what to do. I know I have been going on and on and on so perhaps if there are any particular questions that I can answer those and we can go from there. I just want to make the relationship work, but even though we are marriage counseling things aren't looking so great. I have read the books walking on eggshells and I have also read I hate you don't leave me. Everything they talked about in the book is aligned to her personality. Do you think her personality disorder could be uncovered during couples counseling? I just want help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear of the trouble you're facing, but you've found a place where people understand what you're going through.  The good news is that you can make a big impact on reducing the conflict by shifting your strategy in a few areas.  One of the best ways for new members to get quick results is to avoid the temptation to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Take a look at that article and let us know what you think.  If you try holding back on your urge to prove points or defend yourself, you'll see the benefits.  Our situations are tough ones where we have to be smart about how to spend our energy.  We have to pick our battles.  Save your energy for the most important issues, like maintaining your personal boundaries and looking out for the welfare of your kids. 

You mention that trouble often comes on the weekend, or when there's some external stressor.  It's Tuesday.  Let's talk about this weekend.  How is it looking?  Are there any stressful activities or other things, good or bad, that might impact the weekend?

RC