At a loss... Angry Sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi... .
My therapist recommend, "Stop walking on eggshells" last week as yet again there has been a massive explosion of anger towards me (however, now my husband is also included). My sibling's newest rage started the day after our wedding and I received an essay of anger directed at both of us on our honeymoon. These seemingly erratic and irrational rages have happened all my life and my nuclear family have always plicated my sibling, but I am utterly exhausted by this last rage (& if I'm honest the last massive one exactly 9 months before that) and just have no clue what to do going forward.

Things cannot progress the way they have been as I refuse to be an emotional punching bag any more. My mental health and self worth have suffered as a result of putting myself last for 28 years.
My parents continue to plicate my sibling but I need a new strategy in order to cope as I'm unwilling to "just be the bigger person and say you're sorry, even though we all know you've done nothing wrong". There is no convincing her that her reaction is totally disproportionate OR that I never meant to offend her. She doesn't see that I can't sense when she feels a certain way and that she should communicate with me so I don't upset her going forward.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Alongside my sister's BPD she is also physically very ill (& has anger issues surrounding her physical health & being "the sick one"), she is also a binge eater so doesn't view her physical appearance in a positive light either.

My health is fine in comparison, my physical appearance is in society's eyes "more attractive" and my mental health is nowhere near as bad as hers... .

In every way I'm hyper aware of our differences and have tried to just shrug off OR in many cases even accept her verbal attacks as she's suffering so much more than me and she knows I'll always love her... .However, in having done so for so many years I've now sadly become a nervous wreck around her waiting for the next perceived "thing" I've done wrong that I need to apologise for/make it up to her for. I'm constantly over thinking every interaction with her so she won't get upset or offended with me.
As a result I'm a massive people pleaser and always put my needs last for fear of offending anyone. Every time I do anything "wrong" with other people in my life I experience extreme gut wrenching guilt and am fearful that the other person will verbally attack me or cut me down and make me "pay for it".

I'm not angry at my sibling, and I'm not writing any of this for anyones sympathy, I know she's both mentally and physically ill... .And sadly that's how the cookie has crumbled. It's not her fault but neither is it mine.

In some way I just need to know that I'm not alone. I'm just so desperately sad for her and upset that no matter what I do I can't help fix her until she fixes herself.

[titchsis]

Hi... .
My therapist recommend, "Stop walking on eggshells" last week as yet again there has been a massive explosion of anger towards me (however, now my husband is also included). My sibling's newest rage started the day after our wedding and I received an essay of anger directed at both of us on our honeymoon. These seemingly erratic and irrational rages have happened all my life and my nuclear family have always plicated my sibling, but I am utterly exhausted by this last rage (& if I'm honest the last massive one exactly 9 months before that) and just have no clue what to do going forward.

Things cannot progress the way they have been as I refuse to be an emotional punching bag any more. My mental health and self worth have suffered as a result of putting myself last for 28 years.
My parents continue to plicate my sibling but I need a new strategy in order to cope as I'm unwilling to "just be the bigger person and say you're sorry, even though we all know you've done nothing wrong". There is no convincing her that her reaction is totally disproportionate OR that I never meant to offend her. She doesn't see that I can't sense when she feels a certain way and that she should communicate with me so I don't upset her going forward.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Alongside my sister's BPD she is also physically very ill (& has anger issues surrounding her physical health & being "the sick one"), she is also a binge eater so doesn't view her physical appearance in a positive light either.

My health is fine in comparison, my physical appearance is in society's eyes "more attractive" and my mental health is nowhere near as bad as hers... .

In every way I'm hyper aware of our differences and have tried to just shrug off OR in many cases even accept her verbal attacks as she's suffering so much more than me and she knows I'll always love her... .However, in having done so for so many years I've now sadly become a nervous wreck around her waiting for the next perceived "thing" I've done wrong that I need to apologise for/make it up to her for. I'm constantly over thinking every interaction with her so she won't get upset or offended with me.
As a result I'm a massive people pleaser and always put my needs last for fear of offending anyone. Every time I do anything "wrong" with other people in my life I experience extreme gut wrenching guilt and am fearful that the other person will verbally attack me or cut me down and make me "pay for it".

I'm not angry at my sibling, and I'm not writing any of this for anyones sympathy, I know she's both mentally and physically ill... .And sadly that's how the cookie has crumbled. It's not her fault but neither is it mine.

In some way I just need to know that I'm not alone. I'm just so desperately sad for her and upset that no matter what I do I can't help fix her until she fixes herself.

[Learnnow]

Hello.  I am sorry that you are having these feelings so close to such a big event in your life.  Congratulations on your wedding. 

as you read posts from others here, you will find that many others share similar situations.  You are most definitely not alone.

I understand that desperate sadness and frustration at not being able to fix this.  There are tools listed here that are useful, but there is frustratingly no magic wand.  (I think that many of us would like to have access to such a wand.)  We can however acknowledge the tough situation (aka radically accept what is), and focus on what we can directly affect.  For example, cherish and nourish your new marriage, take care of yourself, and work on identifying how you can define your part of your relationship with your sister in a way that is healthy for you.

These words are from just another person who is working very hard at these same tasks.  There is a lot of useful information here.  I hope that it helps you, too.

[titchsis]

Thank you for your reply.
Just having another human acknowledge what I've said & say that there are resources and tools out there has brought me to tears.
Thank you.

[Panda39]

Hi titchsis,
I'd like to join Learnnow and welcome you to the BPD Family    You most definitely are not alone in trying to negotiate a family member with BPD/BPD traits. 

I can hear how much you love your sister and how hard you have tried to make things work with your sister, but that has involved a lot of "Walking on Eggshells" (there is a reason for the book title) and taking one for the team. (or many for the team)

It's really good that you can see the past dynamic has not been working and may actually have been detrimental to you.  Once you see the problem then you can take it on, and make changes.

When your sister goes into a rage like the one right after your wedding, what is your response to it?  What do you do?

I'm just so desperately sad for her and upset that no matter what I do I can't help fix her until she fixes herself.

That's it in a nutshell, who are the only people we truly control?  That is ourselves none of us can make someone else do anything they don't want to do.  That said you can change what you do and that can have a ripple effect in terms of your interactions with your sister.  This is where this site is really helpful, there are tools, approaches and information that I think you will find helpful.

I'm so glad you've found us. 
Take Care,
Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome titchsis, 

I want to join the others here and let you know how glad I am that you found us and have made your first post. 

I am so very sorry that your sister is so unsupportive, not only in the past but especially now that you have just gotten married!  Do you think she is creating drama because she is experiencing strong feelings, perhaps of jealousy or anger that you are now more removed from her? Or what other possibilities do you think might be driving her current over board reaction?

 
Wools

[turquoise1]

Hi- and welcome!  I just found this group today, and am so relieved! I wish I would've found it years ago!  My sister sounds a lot like yours, and I can say that I am a people pleaser as well.  My sister has held our whole family emotionally hostage for years, and I can honestly say I'm at the end of my rope.  I should not have to sacrifice my sanity for her issues that she will not acknowledge or address. I feel your pain!