Parent Coordinator has issued first directives

[mama-wolf]

(I'm posting this thread on the Detaching board because I'm not so much looking for guidance on the legalities of the situation itself... .to me, it's more about my detaching and processing the implications of these directives.)

Our PC has issued his first directives since being appointed by the court.  uBPDxw had escalated two topics to him:

1) Who to select for us to engage with for family therapy (particularly for D9 and uBPDxw to improve their relationship as recommended by D9's T).  I would not agree on the one practice she proposed, and she would not agree on any of the 6-7 providers I proposed.
2) Scheduling a specific time during the "five day stretch" that the kids are with the custodial parent for them to call the non-custodial parent and forcing engagement.

The PC made his own choice of who we would see for family therapy based on his own professional connections.  On the one hand, I'm really frustrated at who he chose since I'm pretty sure he did not even try to consider whether she would be in network for our insurance (she's not), and since he clearly also completely disregarded the logistics of where she is located.  Setting that frustration aside, I do know that it could have complicated things if he had selected one of the providers I proposed, and I also understand the benefits of him having an established professional relationship with the provider he chose.

So now we each have to schedule our initial intake appointment with this new provider.  I spent much of today trying to manage my anxiety at the concept of having to go "start over" with someone new.  I knew it was coming since I was going to have to engage with someone for family therapy one way or another, and I don't doubt her qualifications and experience.  It's just the reality of the directive being issued and having very specific language about how we must each sign releases for her to engage with our individual therapists, and we must comply with her recommendations.  I was going to sign the releases anyway for the purpose of coordinating care, but the requirement to comply with a recommendation that could include no longer seeing my T is upsetting.  It really got me worked up today.

I think the other thing I'm struggling with is the possibility of having to participate in joint sessions with uBPDxw.  I don't want this to be just another way for her to engage with me.  To try to dig at the timing of my decision to separate and how I handled that.  To dig into why the marriage broke up, etc, etc.  Part of my anxiety today was about how triggered I had been getting by any interaction with her (which was getting better lately as I indicated in my other thread) and how I just really don't want to backslide.

On a "brighter" note (if it can be called that)... .I think the PC's decision is much more upsetting to uBPDxw than it is for me.  I don't relish her discomfort, but at the same time I don't want to be the one doing all the suffering.  The financial impact will be bigger for her... .and the logistics are worse based on where she lives.  I'm kind of waiting for the blowback from her about this decision to hit me, but ultimately it has to reside with the PC since he is the one who made it.  I'm just sure she'll find a way to blame me in her mind for "forcing" her to escalate to him, which resulted in this situation (her playing the victim yet again).

At least the PC declined to issue a directive forcing contact with the non-custodial parent. I stressed to him that I support the contact whenever the kids want it, but that I don't agree with scheduling a specific time and pressuring them to participate.  Based on the language in his directive, he seemed to agree but said he would wait to discuss with the family therapist after she had an opportunity to meet with us and get familiar with our case.

mw

[mama-wolf]

I reached out to my L about my dissatisfaction over the PC's choice in a therapist who is not in network and located significantly out of the way for both me and uBPDxw.  She said if uBPDxw and I can come to an agreement on someone else, then we could notify him of that and avoid using his pick.  I tried asking uBPDxw, but she said she very abruptly answered she just wants to stick with the directive.  I guess it was silly of me to even bother asking but I really figured she would be more upset about the choice than even I am.

(Mod, maybe this thread does belong over in Family Law/Co-parening after all... .)

[DivDad]

I too had a court appointed Parent Coordinator after D my uBPDx. 

 I assume your PC is well aware of your uBPDxw disorder.  From experience, my two cents is this:
 (1) Go with the PC T recommendation for your D9.  You will never come to an agreement with your uBPDxw on choosing your own T.  Granted, the T might be out of network, but trying to mutually choose a T will only drag things out and not be beneficial to your D9.

(2) I hear you on the joint T sessions with your uBPDxw.  That is part of the T intro process.  However, I would insist with your PC that you and your ex have SEPARATE intro sessions with the T.  For me, we split one of the initial one-hour sessions 50/50.  My ex went in….and came out.  I went it and came out. (If you PC is schooled in BPD…he will understand the separate sessions with the T.  Where both parents can give their perspective unhindered sans the domination of the uBPD.)

 (3)  Since I only had 25 minutes with the T….I wrote out the BPD issues and things that impacted my sons. I read it to the T. I also asked the T if he was familiar with BPD.  Again, I read from a draft.  I didn’t want to squander any time getting off topic.  I left 10 minutes for Q&A with the T.  I wanted a highly structured session so I could get my points across... .and to give the T some background as to the family dynamics living with a uBPDp.  Keep your background information focused on your D9.   There is no need to spend a whole lot of time talking about the dynamics between you and your uBPDxw.

 (4) At the end of your session, invite the T to have additional 50/50 sessions.  A good T will eventually understand that the non-BPD parent has more welfare concern for child and is not trying to push a separate agenda.

(5) Lastly, one of the things our PC demanded that she be copied on any and all correspondence (emails, texts, etc.) between the parents involving issues with our sons.   Also, it was instructed that only ONE issue be brought up per email/text and any replies would be only about that issue.  (My PC was well aware of a BPDp tactic of moving targets on multiple issues in one email or text message.)

(6) If I am reading your post right, you mentioned that your PC does not want you to see your current T.  That seems a bit strange.   I would go back and re-read the court PC  instructions. (Airlines instruct passengers to put the oxygen mask on adults first before assisting children.) I would gently question why you are instructed not to have your own T.  Hmmmmm.

[mama-wolf]

Thanks DivDad for all the comments based on your experience.  Much of what you describe about the communication with your ex is similar... .our PC has some specific expectations about how we communicate, though he does not have to be copied on everything.  He just wants us to forward the correspondence if/when we identify a need to escalate an issue.  And I will be sure to ask the family therapist how she plans for sessions to be set up moving forward.

(6) If I am reading your post right, you mentioned that your PC does not want you to see your current T.  That seems a bit strange.   I would go back and re-read the court PC  instructions. (Airlines instruct passengers to put the oxygen mask on adults first before assisting children.) I would gently question why you are instructed not to have your own T.  Hmmmmm.

To clarify, it's not that the PC wants me to stop seeing my current T.  This is more about my fear that my uBPDxw is trying to manipulate that by influencing the new family T and/or the PC.  It's an unfounded fear and probably not likely to happen, but it was triggered by the way uBPDxw worded her request that we all consolidate therapy into one practice and was based on her past controlling behaviors. 

mw

[DivDad]

The uBPDxw behavior you decribed is typical.  Just remember that most BPDp are fearful of outsiders... .and outside authority. They frown upon outsiders looking into "their BPD behavior world,"   Her desire to "consolidate" T is a sign that she wants less outsiders to control and/or manipulate things. No doubt she is more fearful or uneasy of the PC than you are.

[worriedStepmom]

I really don't think you should worry about being forced to give up your T.

Your mental health is critical, and YOU are responsible for that, not a parenting coordinator.  While the PC does have influence over the children's welfare, your mental health does not fall under that umbrella.  Period.

[mama-wolf]

I really don't think you should worry about being forced to give up your T.

Your mental health is critical, and YOU are responsible for that, not a parenting coordinator.  While the PC does have influence over the children's welfare, your mental health does not fall under that umbrella.  Period.

Thanks, worriedStepmom... .I have heard several times since first sharing my fear that it's probably something I don't need to worry about.  It's the anxiety of dealing with my uBPDxw (and her attempts to control things that she can no longer control) that makes it difficult to reassure myself.

But, I did have my intake with the family therapist today, and I am somewhat reassured by the encounter.  I realize it's part of what she does, but I did feel heard and listened to.  I expressed my concerns for the kids (especially D9) and shared my observations of behavior, etc... .and she would restate it in ways that suggested to me that she got what I was saying.  I was very clear about how much reading SWOE resonated with me as well, and I let her know that while there may not be a formal diagnosis of BPD, I am convinced that there are borderline traits involved.  She seemed to think that was very helpful.

uBPDxw has her intake with her next week, and we'll see how it goes from there.

mw