uBPDmom is engaged (poor guy) ... and legal threats have started

[worriedStepmom]

Two weeks ago, after the kerfuffle over "family therapy", SD11's uBPDmom started seeing an LCSW who used to work for CPS and will therefore "understand why uBPDmom makes [her] decisions"... .since uBPDmom worked for CPS for less than a year 4 years ago. 

Last week, uBPDmom got engaged, to her boyfriend who lives 1200 miles away and has full custody of 2 or 3 elementary-aged kids.  We're not sure if SD has ever met the guy. uBPDmom said they haven't worked out logistics, but I think it is probable she will move to the other state.  H did not respond to uBPDmom's announcement. 

One of these two events likely sparked the latest round of dysregulation. 

Over the weekend, uBPDmom threatened to file a restraining order against H to stop his "vile verbal and emotional abuse".  She also mentioned that ten years ago when they were married he occasionally "crowded her up against a wall", and that is physically abusive.  He does not respond to 95% of her texts.  When he does, he's businesslike.  99% of the time, she initiates phone calls, and when he does answer, he doesn't speak much.  She has shown up at our house unannounced; he hasn't been to her house since custody switched in July.  He records all phone calls and in-person interactions with her and all of their text conversations are backed up. 

She told him she is going to ask that all communication go through an app or her therapist, that he be required to stay 100 yards away from her, and that he be required to go to counseling.  She is already trying to put these measures into place.  She told SD11 that she has to walk to the parking lot of a church outside our neighborhood for pickups because uBPDmom is no longer able to come to our house.

H did not respond to her threats and we decided not to intervene with her pickup plans because the walk is not far and we can watch SD's path from our upstairs window if necessary.  H thinks she won't actually file anything.

She's already sent him a link to a parenting app and told him she wants it because it a) keeps a record of what is said (she doesn't know how to back up texts) and b) filters out verbal abuse. Her next few texts included cursing directed at him. He will sign up for the app for a few weeks to see if it will block HER verbal abuse.  If it doesn't, he'll delete the app and go back to texting.

She also said she's out of ideas, because he doesn't answer the phone when she calls, he doesn't respond to emails, and he gets mad if she sends messages through SD.   An app is not going to change that... .95% of what she sends is commentary, not questions, and if he responds to any of that, either the volume goes up exponentially or the tone degenerates.

If she does file for a restraining order, is this something for the family lawyer to handle, or does he need a different kind of lawyer?

[takingandsending]

Hi worriedStepmom.

My uBPDxw is also ramping up this type of rhetoric when we basically have almost no contact. I think it must be a way to for pwBPD to try to stay engaged and meaningful.

My xw has not threatened an RO, but she is demanding that mid-week child visit exchanges be done in public places or asks me to drop off kids with assorted neighbors from our old neighborhood. She also insists all communication be via written e-mail and then texts me stuff. We fortunately do not talk on the phone, and she does not come to my house, nor I to hers. Still, she behaves like she feels imperiled when I pick up or drop off the children. I think she gets off on acting like I am a threat so she can pursue her life dream of being the wronged victim who isn't going to take it anymore sort of thing.

So much of it is hot air, but be prepared, i.e. have your H notify his lawyer in case his xw presses forward.

[ForeverDad]

If any criminal accusations are made (allegations that have legal outcomes beyond parenting itself) then adding a criminal attorney is advisable unless your attorney can also handle such matters.

This could be a type of Brinkmanship where she makes all sort of claims expecting your H to meet halfway and give up something, like letting her take the kids with her.  She may be seriously messed up with a perspective skewed in her favor but she's not totally loony toons where she can't think up strategies.

And of course, agreeing to one-sided counseling - where the very structure makes it easy for others to conclude H is the one with issues - is not a good deal.  If the judge orders such a thing, that's different, not something he should agree to walk into.  However, if both are ordered to counseling, that's another matter.  Two caveats... .(1) H needs to make sure an experienced and reputable counselor who is not easily fooled or gullible is chosen and (2) reports should be made to court.

[Panda39]

worriedstepmom,

Remember feelings = facts

I feel threatened, I feel like the victim, I feel you are a threat to my kids, I feel you are verbally abusive etc. 

I feel it therefore you are it.

She's already sent him a link to a parenting app and told him she wants it because it a) keeps a record of what is said (she doesn't know how to back up texts) and b) filters out verbal abuse. Her next few texts included cursing directed at him.

Projection 

I think you and your hubby have a clear view of what is going on and are making good choices.

I'm being facetious   So do you think the ex has ever actually met her new fiance?  My SO's uBPDxw (who by the way "doesn't have the money" to pay her daughter's school fees) just traveled across the country to meet the man in her on-line life.  Haven't heard anything about it since.

You never know the fiance may just disappear at some point (or not )

Panda39

[worriedStepmom]

I'm being facetious   So do you think the ex has ever actually met her new fiance?  My SO's uBPDxw (who by the way "doesn't have the money" to pay her daughter's school fees) just traveled across the country to meet the man in her on-line life.  Haven't heard anything about it since.

You never know the fiance may just disappear at some point (or not )

She visited him in his state last Christmas.  She came back in a foul mood.  He was supposedly here last weekend (while SD was with us).  They have spent very little time together in-person, but that will change, as uBPDmom informed SD over text  that she quit her job and will be spending a lot more time in the other state.  Considering she has time with SD every other week and can't afford flights... .it's not really all that surprising that SD is showing signs of stress again.

I wonder if she's making these types of accusations now because she plans to walk away from SD and H's nonexistent abuse is a good way to justify that to new fiance.

My father-in-law has started a betting pool on how long uBPDmom will live in the other state before fiance wises up and ships her home.

[Panda39]

I'm sorry your SD is stressing having a BPD Parent is so darn complicated and hard!

My father-in-law has started a betting pool on how long uBPDmom will live in the other state before fiance wises up and ships her home

I might want in on that action!   

Panda39

[Nope]

I would have loved it if our court order had included mandatory use of an app for all communication. It would make so many things so much easier. We tried using an app, but she quickly realized she was getting caught on record and that we could see when she logged in and read things, which ruined her ability to play stupid and pretend she wasn't getting any information. So she stopped logging in all together. And told DH she was locked out of it, but then refused to contact the company for tech support or even try a password reset. So I would suspect you can go ahead and try the app, but don't get too attached to it.

How long her relationship will last will depend on a lot of factors. If he is at all mentally healthy with good boundaries it won't last long. But he could be as addicted to drama as she is and that could mean it drags out for years. My DH's ex used to get pregnant to keep men, but she had to have her uterus removed after giving birth to this last child, so I suspect she'll be more likely to stay in the relationship with her current fiance.