Physical abuse and fear

[OliveLeaf]

Hi. I’m new. I’m looking for information and support as I try to take healthier steps. My mom seems to have undiagnosed BPD. She inflicted a lot of physical violence (hitting) on me and my younger siblings for the 18-20 years of my childhood.
     I thought that things were fine once I got away 20 years ago. We, as a family, all just pretend that the violence didn’t happen. We siblings talk about it amongst ourselves, but we all accept my mother’s reality in public. Her reality is that everyday is new and exciting.
      (She is very similar to a toddler: either manically busy and happy, or exhausted in bed, or pitching a door-slamming, crying fit. The most disconcerting part is that she doesn’t appear to remember anything. So it is as if only we know her, and she is unaware of herself. She mostly succeeds in public, she just appears slightly immature.)
      I’m currently low contact with her. I live far away, I only text or call her when it works for me, which is very rarely. My current problem is that I don’t know where to go from here. She is not aware that I am afraid of her. I don’t know how to go no-contact without explaining myself, but I know that no explanation will make sense to her, because I have tried before.Also, I want to keep contact with the rest of my family who is still attached to her world.
      I generally get the feeling that she is not capable of doing anything “on purpose.” She is like a tornado or a pinball. She just starts going and runs over or bounces off of whatever is in her way. So I pity her. But I also have C-PTSD and several health problems from the violence I experienced from her.
      Are there any threads specifically about the fall-out from childhood physical abuse from a mentally ill parent? I’m in counseling and go to a recovery group, but not many people seem to talk about physical violence.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Oliveleaf!  

Memory: Are memory lapses associated with BPD? is a thread that you might find helpful given what you shared about your uBPDm. I'm really glad that you have your siblings to talk to though, to validate one another's experiences. So much of what I experienced as a child from my uBPDm and my father has been blocked from my memory, and I'm sure it was necessary for my survival. I remember some of the physical abuse and some memories keep loosening up over time. I have enough reactions subconsciously that show that I was abused; even my T has seen them and commented, yet in the moments I'm usually unaware of how I react. I also have spoken with my siblings to see what they remember. My older brother remembers more than I do, and I'm thankful to have him to talk with.

I'm glad you are in counseling.    There is a lot to overcome as we process what we learned as children. Do you still have siblings at home living with your mom? What books about BPD have you read?

Took me a bit to find these links, but perhaps there will be some of the information you are looking for:
Helping our children deal with trauma
When are the children of a BPD Parent at risk?

Lastly, we if you Google Pete-Walker, he has excellent material about C-PTSD.

 
Wools

[OliveLeaf]

Thanks! I never thought to connect the memory issues with BPD, I guess because she isn’t diagnosed. I have read one of Pete Walker’s C-PTSD books. I need to read his more recent one too.
Several new memories came back to me through doing EMDR last year. I remember a lot, so I thought I hadn’t forgotten anything, but I had. EMDR made a big difference for me. My counselor sent me because I couldn’t really talk about the physical abuse cohesively. Now I can and am making progress. Just today I realized that I was always afraid but had to act like I wasn’t. The long-term facade that I kept up eventually took a serious toll on my health. I’m working now to bring my thoughts, feelings and actions together and to align them.

[Panda39]

Hi OliveLeaf,

I wanted to join Woolspinner in welcoming you to the group 

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters, so I am coming at things from a different angle, but did want to say hello.

Hi. I’m new. I’m looking for information and support as I try to take healthier steps. My mom seems to have undiagnosed BPD. She inflicted a lot of physical violence (hitting) on me and my younger siblings for the 18-20 years of my childhood.

I'm so sorry this happened to you   no child should be hit by an adult!

I'm glad that you and your siblings have been able to talk honestly about things... .rather than live in the denial of your mother. It's good that you can validate each other's experiences.

As adults has the physical abuse stopped?  I'm curious, was your dad in the picture at all?

It sounds like you are low contact with your mom at this point, are you comfortable with that?  Or do you want to go no contact with her?

If you do want to go no contact, then maybe just a gradually lower contact without an explanation over time... .just gradually let contact peter out.

If you go no contact with your mom, how do you think that will effect your contact with the other family in her world?

I'm so glad you've decided to jump in and join us, we all have someone with BPD/BPD Traits in our lives... .we all get it.  The members here are a wonderful support, the site is full of information and tools, and now your voice and story have been added.  I look forward to seeing more of you here. 

Take Care, 
Panda39
     

[OliveLeaf]

Thanks folks. Reading these boards is really helpful. It is great to see that my mom fits the BPD pattern so well. It makes me feel less insane myself!

My dad traveled for work a lot when I was very young. Most of my formative memories of learning to obey my mom, no matter what, came from that time. My parents are still together, but appear to be attached by something like blackmail. They don’t appear to like each other and they fight a lot, but they seem tied by some unknown force. It looks like my mom possibly controls my dad in some ways. They definitely have an unhealthy codependent relationship.

Right now I’m trying to figure out how to minimize my contact for the holidays. My birthday is coming up, then Xmas, etc. I want to avoid her as much as possible, but it doesn’t really make sense to tell her, “I’m scared of you, that’s why I don’t want to be around you.” I’m a terrible liar though. I tend to talk like I’m a witness in a court case: the whole truth, or nothing!

I do have the strategy of thinking of her as a toddler. What would I tell a toddler about why I can’t see them? Not much! No explanation would change their behavior. Actions, not words, work for toddlers. I guess I’ll stick with that for now.

[Panda39]

Thanks folks. Reading these boards is really helpful. It is great to see that my mom fits the BPD pattern so well. It makes me feel less insane myself!

  I know the feeling I arrived here very confused my SO's uBPDxw just created chaos where ever she went.

My dad traveled for work a lot when I was very young. Most of my formative memories of learning to obey my mom, no matter what, came from that time. My parents are still together, but appear to be attached by something like blackmail. They don’t appear to like each other and they fight a lot, but they seem tied by some unknown force. It looks like my mom possibly controls my dad in some ways. They definitely have an unhealthy codependent relationship.

You are probably right on the money regarding the blackmail and you likely experience it from your mother as well.  We call it FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Having an awareness of FOG is to me a really good skill to develop.  Once you can recognize that what you are hearing is FOG it is much easier to not take things as personally.  Why?  Because you know it is a dysfunctional behavior designed to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

If you are like many of us you will see the FOG blowing full blast when you try and set a boundary.

Right now I’m trying to figure out how to minimize my contact for the holidays. My birthday is coming up, then Xmas, etc. I want to avoid her as much as possible, but it doesn’t really make sense to tell her, “I’m scared of you, that’s why I don’t want to be around you.”

To me your birthday might be the easier one to avoid or minimize.  Maybe do your birthday out (where your mom might be on her best behavior) maybe invite others (family/friends) again hopefully keeping her on her best behavior and also keeping her sole focus off of you.  You might plan ahead... .If things start escalating maybe get up and take a bathroom break or deliberately leave something in the car that you need to go get.  Give yourself some ways to step away and take a break.

So Christmas is the tougher of the two... .Are you married?  Have your own Nuclear Family? If so maybe spend the holiday with your in-laws.  You might try doing Christmas Eve with your Family of Origin (FOO) again that shortens your time spent with them. Do Christmas day with your Family, or with friends, or have a peaceful day relaxing on your own.

I’m a terrible liar though. I tend to talk like I’m a witness in a court case: the whole truth, or nothing!

It is okay to keep things private from your mother and that is not lying that is choosing not to share information.  You also don't need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

For example... .

OL - Mom I'd love to do Christmas Eve with you this year but I can't do Christmas Day.

OL's mom - Why? Your really not going to spend Christmas with your family?  (FOG)

OL - Yes, I have made other plans. 

OL's mom - Made other plans? Well then fine I will tell everyone how you can't take time away from your busy schedule to spend time with your family! (FOG-Fear she will bad mouth you, Obligation - to the family, Guilt-because you dare choose to do something you want to do)

OL's mom - What are these "other plans"?  Who are you doing them with?

OL - Repeat: I've just made other plans for the day. 

This is when you walk away or hang up the phone.  (There is a saying... .No is a complete sentence)

I can hear you thinking but I can't do that!  Maybe not yet, because you have spent a lifetime learning some behaviors that aren't serving you well.  But I know that you can learn new skills and get good at it with practice, time and support.

Panda39

[Harri]

  Panda gave you some great input!  Practice and practicing out loud is a good idea.  It may feel silly but as you actually form the words and say them out loud they will feel more natural and come easier when you say the words to your mother.

 

it doesn’t really make sense to tell her, “I’m scared of you, that’s why I don’t want to be around you.” I’m a terrible liar though. I tend to talk like I’m a witness in a court case: the whole truth, or nothing!

  Yes, you are right, it does not make sense nor should you say it.  There is a difference between lying and keeping personal things private.  so many of us were raised to think we had to share everything - and why not as it was a requirement for most of us to actually do so.

But keeping things private is a way to protect yourself and knowing that you have the right to not talk about something with anyone even your mom can be very powerful.  You are under no obligation spill the whole thought process involved.  Keeping things private is *not* lying.  You have a right to your privacy of thought, body, mind.  Do not let your mother continue to define you and your actions.  Change it up.