NonBPD story and what about the child?

[NonBP73]

I'm slowly trying to get through the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. It's rough because almost every page hits way too close to home.

What do you do when you have a small child with his or her own anxieties and the BPD spouse constantly tells you that she doesn't like you and want you around? What if the fighting has been going on for the child's entire young life?

When my BPD spouse was at her worst, after the child was born, I went through a low period. She told me she hated me often. A long time, the worst of my life that finally ended with her telling her she didn't love me, then discussing for months how and when we'd divorce. Happily discussing how we'd act after we got divorced. Then back to being normal again, then back to the hate and divorce talk.

At my lowest, the lowest of the low, at home I was told everything was over. Done. Every day another example or question of how and when we should end it. Just go on like a sham until the child was out of high school (years away) or do it now. It felt horrible. I disconnected and after three years of this, my attentions turned to another person. I took these new feelings and used them as strength and left. I did it for myself, then slowly pursued something with the other person, something that did not work out at all. But I felt good to get away.
Except for the harassment from the BPD spouse. The 3am screaming calls. Leaving and pursuing someone else looks like what it looks like. The spouse believes and has her entire circle and family believing that I made up all of her behavior, it never happened, wasn't that bad (all couples argue, right?) and just wanted to cheat. That wasn't it. After almost 10 years I finally stood up for myself. I paid a price for it with more anger directed toward me and friends and family hating me because they knew one side of a story.

After a year being single, I went back. We'd been talking and I desperately missed my child. He's nonBPD and the spouse's being up nearly 24 hours a day and constantly angry made me think he wasn't safe. But if I hinted at this, no one would believe me. I was completely alone.
Four years later, I'm back. There were a few months that were normal and nice. Now, almost everything is back, but my leaving is a target for regular blow ups.

I have no friends. Zero. I can't go anywhere, and I can't enjoy the good times because for every good day two bad days are right behind it. All I can do is try to remain as neutral and supportive to the child as possible.

Everyone's got their own problems, myself included. But does anyone else have a situation where there is hostility between the husband and wife and a small child caught in the middle?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harrisps]

Hi NonBP73,

I feel I am in a similar situation. Had our first child 14months ago and since pretty much day 1 it has been a non stop rollercoaster. Until now I’ve found it very hard not to take all the blame personally as it has seemed anything that is connected to me is the reason for my partners unhappiness. I have therefore reacted in ways that have not been helpful. I am now concerned for the atmosphere our daughter is growing up in. I want to leave so often as I am berated daily from morning to night and as you’ll know so well it is incredibly difficult to endure. I just keep thinking back to before she was born and although not perfect our relationship was much much healthier so I want to believe we can get back there but we are in such a tangled web atm.

I honestly don’t know what the future will bring but right now I have made a pledge to stop making things worse. I can’t help what she feels, thinks, behaves like but I can help how I react.

I found the BPD 3min lesson on ending conflict helpful. Have you came across it?

Hope you’re holding up as well as can be.

[Radcliff]

I have three children with my BPDw, now two are in college and one in middle school.  In our case, things got progressively worse, with each stressful life event.  Your cases may differ, but one thing I'm certain will be relevant to you is that I was consistently living without boundaries.  I adapted and twisted like a pretzel to do anything to keep her as calm as possible.  Other than work and kids activities, I had no outside life.  I became isolated.

You cannot change your pwBPD's behavior, but you must develop boundaries to protect yourself, and you must break your isolation so you have your own support network.   Trust me, I have walked in your shoes, and am about 15 years down the road -- your ghost of the future ;)

What is a painful behavior of your spouses that you'd like to be able to protect yourself from? 

How might you break your isolation?  Can you think of a sport or actvity that would get you out of the house once a week, that you can defend come hell or high water?

RC

[NonBP73]

Hi NonBP73,

I feel I am in a similar situation. Had our first child 14months ago and since pretty much day 1 it has been a non stop rollercoaster. Until now I’ve found it very hard not to take all the blame personally as it has seemed anything that is connected to me is the reason for my partners unhappiness. I have therefore reacted in ways that have not been helpful. I am now concerned for the atmosphere our daughter is growing up in. I want to leave so often as I am berated daily from morning to night and as you’ll know so well it is incredibly difficult to endure. I just keep thinking back to before she was born and although not perfect our relationship was much much healthier so I want to believe we can get back there but we are in such a tangled web atm.

I honestly don’t know what the future will bring but right now I have made a pledge to stop making things worse. I can’t help what she feels, thinks, behaves like but I can help how I react.

I found the BPD 3min lesson on ending conflict helpful. Have you came across it?

Hope you’re holding up as well as can be.

Thanks for the reply!
I looked up the 3-minute lesson. It makes sense, and I'd come up with most of it on my own over the last 14 years because I've never been a fighter. I don't like to fight at all and usually look for a rational way out. The only problem with trying that method is that it is an even worse trigger. It's a no-win situation.

[NonBP73]

I have three children with my BPDw, now two are in college and one in middle school.  In our case, things got progressively worse, with each stressful life event.  Your cases may differ, but one thing I'm certain will be relevant to you is that I was consistently living without boundaries.  I adapted and twisted like a pretzel to do anything to keep her as calm as possible.  Other than work and kids activities, I had no outside life.  I became isolated.

You cannot change your pwBPD's behavior, but you must develop boundaries to protect yourself, and you must break your isolation so you have your own support network.   Trust me, I have walked in your shoes, and am about 15 years down the road -- your ghost of the future ;)

What is a painful behavior of your spouses that you'd like to be able to protect yourself from? 

How might you break your isolation?  Can you think of a sport or activity that would get you out of the house once a week, that you can defend come hell or high water?

RC

I definitely adapt, or try to. And it's awful. The more I adapt, the more the anger and resentment and attacks adapt. From small things to the big things. Ever been told to use one particular sponge to wash the counter, just to have her run in two weeks later asking you why you'd be so stupid to use that sponge to wash the counter? Why would you ever do that? Just to have her tell you that you're making it up and berating you for lying when you say that you're just doing what she asked.

I have nothing but my little boy and work. And my wife works at home, so I have to keep work to myself. If there is an event at work, if they do anything to buy us food, or there's a party, I can't say anything. I'll talk about it, it'll be "oh, that sounds great" and so on, but that night or that weekend, when there's any kind of trigger, she'll go into a rage about how I get to leave the house and do things and be around people. Everything I do is beat down. I have hobbies and have stood as she stuck her finger in my face and yelled at me and called me a failure.

I think the biggest problem is that I'm the only one who knows. She keeps all of this for our relationship. To everyone else, she's this pristine, sweet soul everyone believes to be so nice. Even after our problems and separation, she made everyone think she was so nice and was blindsided that I would have ever thought of leaving. Her family and friends, no one believes any part of my side of it. And I don't have anyone on my side to talk to. She can tell everyone everything, and all of it is fabricated to make me look horrible, and I can say nothing. I don't have anyone to vent, and live with a fear that any of it will get back to her.

[Radcliff]

It is vital for you to break the isolation.  I understand firsthand how much heat a pwBPD can bring to bear on their spouse.  It absolutely seems safest to do whatever it takes to calm them down.  But becoming isolated makes things completely unsustainable.  You need people to talk to.  You've got us, so stick with us, but you need face-to-face support.

Where do you live in relation to where you grew up, where you went to college, etc.?  Do you have any old friends nearby (from before you were married) who you can reconnect with?  You don't have to talk to them about details of your marriage, but you need to be able to spend time with them doing things you enjoy.  What hobbies do you have?  If you made it your mission to break your isolation in one concrete, ongoing way, what might you do?

RC

[NonBP73]

It is vital for you to break the isolation.  I understand firsthand how much heat a pwBPD can bring to bear on their spouse.  It absolutely seems safest to do whatever it takes to calm them down.  But becoming isolated makes things completely unsustainable.  You need people to talk to.  You've got us, so stick with us, but you need face-to-face support.

Where do you live in relation to where you grew up, where you went to college, etc.?  Do you have any old friends nearby (from before you were married) who you can reconnect with?  You don't have to talk to them about details of your marriage, but you need to be able to spend time with them doing things you enjoy.  What hobbies do you have?  If you made it your mission to break your isolation in one concrete, ongoing way, what might you do?

RC

Breaking that isolation is the hardest part. I have to assume that the BP spouse being clingy. Clingy and whenever I do something or want to do something, naturally I get berated for it. I live just far enough away from where I grew up to have no friends. My hobbies are art-related. I need to find some art club or something. We're in a bad financial spot (another symptom?) so taking a class is out. Then I'll have to hear about how I get to go out while she stays home and takes care of the house and the kid. I'll say very respectfully that she can do things herself, she has some friends, then it will get worse. MY BP symptoms at home all end in extreme anger.

[WileyCoyote]

Ever been told to use one particular sponge to wash the counter, just to have her run in two weeks later asking you why you'd be so stupid to use that sponge to wash the counter? Why would you ever do that? Just to have her tell you that you're making it up and berating you for lying when you say that you're just doing what she asked.

This is called Gaslighting and is a way to put you off balance and question your perception of reality.   You need to be on the lookout for this so you can see things for how they really are, and make good decisions based on real facts.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201704/7-stages-gaslighting-in-relationship

[Teno]

I read a book recently by Patricia Evens 'Controlling people' I never realized in how many ways I get invalidated by my upwBPDw. Especially when it is not about me and I'm just arguing an emotion or idea.  It helped me to see what boundaries I need to set, a work in progress still.
 
I'm just busy crawling out of my isolation. I joined the school committee, starting playing soccer but still struggling finding close friends. It seems that friends who validates(not agreeing, but seeing me as person) or builds me gets belittled and it makes it hard to build strong relationships. Ultimately I just would like to have a beer on the couch and not be put on a guilt trip.

A lot of my isolation was circumstantial, but 10 years ago I had 24 friends saying good buy to me and now I'm scraping. I used to be able to just chat and it seems like I've to learn that skill again. I think with all the little put downs I lost my worth in my own opinion.

For your child learn how to validate his feelings, I'm trying to see all these events as learning opportunities.