Struggling

[Loey2731]

Although she’s never been diagnosed (that I’m aware of), I am pretty sure that my mother has BPD. I am really struggling with how to move forward and how to feel healthy as a mother myself. She so badly wants to be a part of my children’s lives, however struggles to respect me and my boundaries, and will often increase my anxiety with being very negative toward me, yelling at me in front of my children, taking negatively about me to family members and friends, and telling me she doesn’t remember situations that we’re trying to resolve, while accusing me of avoiding her. She has had this problem with many others, but perhaps most concerning is my dad. I’ve noticed him distancing himself from us and he has told me that she turns everything into a fight, especially if I call him and not her. I am not trying to bash her, just feel lost and kind of trapped. I have so many questions, and I’m really unsure of how to proceed. I’ve also been feeling extremely anxious myself (more than normal) and it’s awful. Thanks for any advice and/or support.

[Amethyste]

Hello
I Can't help you as I'm still living with my own BPD mother and struggling too.
But make yourself and your children your priority. Try to get rid of the guilt you feel.
This guilt that I used to feel used to make me feel so much like crap when I didn't do anything bad nothing other children don't do anyway.
We are put on this earth to live our lives. You are not responsible for her life and happiness.
I wish I realised this years ago.
Now I feel more free and guilt free although she still makes me feel guilty sometimes but its getting rare. And when I'm out of her place I'm finally gonna live and give her excuses and lies.unfortunately we have to live with borderlines honesty doesn't work I realise.
Not sure it's good to advice you to lie but it's survival mode for me so yeah.
Take care hope you realise you come first and your own family. She has lived her life the way she wanted. It's time for you to to the same

[Panda39]

Hi Loey 2731,

I want to join Amethyste and welcome you to the BPD Family 

I agree with Amethyste, your children and your nuclear family should be your first priority.  You are right to not want to expose your children to your mom yelling at you. That's no fun for anyone!   

How did you react when she yelled at you in front of the kids? How old are your kids?  How did they react?  What is your husband's point of view when it comes to your mom?

How did you discover BPD?  I'm here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  I discovered BPD by Googling "chronic lying" and sure enough she fit the bill.

When I first discovered BPD I found it helpful to read about it and get a good grounding in what it is.

Below are a few books that I particularly liked... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Authors: Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr MA,

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
by Christine Ann Lawson

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth & Freda B. Friedman

Hang in there   you've found a great place for support, information, tools and people who get it. 

Panda39

[JNChell]

Hey there, Loey2731. Thank you for hopping on board here.

I am really struggling with how to move forward and how to feel healthy as a mother myself

I relate with you on this worry/fear. I’m very afraid that I will eventually take the wrong path on raising my child. I fear the hell out of it. But, I’m learning that this is a healthy fear, or awareness to feel. There’s no way that you or I would treat our child/ children the way that we were treated.

yelling at me in front of my children

I’m not a mental health professional, but this needs to be nipped in the bud yesterday. If your children are being exposed to this, it needs to stop now. They are emotional and mental sponges. How often are they seeing this? How old are they?

Is your dad abusive as well, or do you consider him to be more of an enabler to your mom?

I’m sorry for all of the questions. There are kids involved. My soft spot.