Disbelief, frustration... moving on?

[IAmPi]

Hi.  I'm pretty much at the one year anniversary of realising my Mum displays a pretty solid set of BPD/EUPD traits.

I came to this because I decided to get counselling. That was triggered by a series of panic-and-flee responses to fledgling relationships; I have such problems forming relationships,  that now,  approaching 40, I live alone, can't seem to accept affection,  don't have kids,  and find my friends - though awesome - getting younger and younger. I don't want to be like this. I've been pretty depressed for a few years now,  and have anxiety.  I just want to be through this and start to be me... .

I just can't seem to break through :/

My mum has told me,  for as long as I can remember,  that I'm being horrible to her.  She's given me the silent treatment on holiday after holiday,  told me I hate her for x (something like asking for my lunch not to be given away) and tearfully begged for just one sign that I love her,  but I know she forgets what I do the moment that's what feels true to her.

I've never entirely understood how I was being so bad,  but have pretty much accepted it.  There was no answering back,  no right to reply,  and if i didn't say things in the right tone, I was I  trouble.  My Dad just circles my Mum.  My other siblings have heard so many stories about how hurtful I have been that they have assumed I was doing what my Mum said. 

Within the last year we had a family event and everyone suddenly saw the fact that nothing at all can trigger my Mum.  I mean almost literally - like someone saying they didn't want another glass of wine, she'd be in tears.  Through a series of conversations we all heard things like the fact that she'd inferred/invented the ends of sentences to make them hurtful,  or found me so upsetting in one day that it took four pages to list out what I'd done. My family had all been there to see me sitting almost in silence in the back of a van,  yet somehow being so hurtful she was in tears. 

Having them defend me,  this validation, was shocking but incredibly, utterly wonderful.  It was the first time anyone had ever seen that there might not be much in the stories of my iniquity.

I know I'm making progress,  but I can't seem to hold on to the belief that I'm not wrong, not likely to upset people, not fundamentally a problem... .

I am SO tired of being lonely and scared of intimacy. 

[Harri]

Hi IamPi and welcome to the board.  Warning:  having keyboard problems so bear with me pl eas e

You are not alone.  many of us struggle with similar issues and feelings.  The good news is that with some work, it can get better.  I am glad you are in therapy and that you decided to post here.  I made the most progress when i was doing both at thee sammmmme time. 

I've never entirely understood how I was being so bad,  but have pretty much accepted it.

You were a child and I am pretty certain your mom was projecting.  Are you familiar with that  Read this, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0  projection is a defense used by people who are unable to handle their own failings and bad feelings so they put them on someone else.

you may also want to read about splitting https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0 which is yet another defense and may be why your mom seemed t have targeted you.

i am glad others were able to finally see how she operates and were able to validate you.  I think it is important for you to be able to know, within yourself that what she said about you were lies.  My mom did the same and it is something i am still working on... .trying to see myself as i am without her disorders clouding the picture.  without her fear and paranoia.  it is not easy and has taken me  long time but it is worth it.

You are not wrong, you are not a problem.

i hope to hear more from you soon.

[JNChell]

Hi, IAmPi. Welcome to the community. You’ve found a good place with good tools. We’re peer based and have been through very similar situations to your’s. We get it here. Harri has given you some great stuff to read. She’s a solid beagle. She’s actually a pit bull in beagle attire when it comes to this stuff.

I came to this because I decided to get counselling. That was triggered by a series of panic-and-flee responses to fledgling relationships; I have such problems forming relationships,  that now,  approaching 40, I live alone, can't seem to accept affection,  don't have kids,  and find my friends - though awesome - getting younger and younger. I don't want to be like this. I've been pretty depressed for a few years now,  and have anxiety.  I just want to be through this and start to be me... .

Our raisings have side effects. I sense some despair in your post. It’s great that you’re getting counseling. How is that going for you? I understand how hard relationships can be. It’s so hard when we can’t seem to make it work. I’m right there with you on that.

When you talk about your friends getting younger, what do you mean? What don’t you want to be like?

Anxiety is awful when it plagues us. It’s that unwelcome visitor that has no problem with popping a squat on our couch anytime it pleases.