Rumination of abuse flea

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The biggest flea I picked up is rumination from my BPD mom. Especially after coming out of a lifetime of abuse from family and letting so many toxic people into my life I have lots of anger coming out as well. I was very shy and easy going my whole life, held everything in, took every negative thing said to me to heart and suffered so much self hatred and pain in silence. I don't want to be an angry person but I do find myself ruminating over people who have hurt me in my life friends and family. People who I let walk all over me and use me and then drop me. Family who spent years harassing me when I was too shy to speak bc I now know I was the scapegoat. I find myself on social media looking at their pages. Some I have confronted in anger by email and it never goes well and I never feel better or get the resolve I want. I want to be mad, get an apology and have peace but I know I won't get that.  I hate feeling this way but don't know how to shake a lifetime of pain. Its not all the time and often I have already started to form healthier relationships with healthier people but if I get down especially late at night its hard to pull out of this anger I have for people who slighted me who are by no means thinking about me. I know its not healthy but don't know how to stop it. I also ruminate over fears of running into one of these people from my past as I'm moving back to my hometown. I'm not a confrontational person and I fear seeing them and feeling bullied all over or scared they will be mean again and I rudiment on that. I hope I'm using this term correctly. . Does anyone else have this problem? and /or suggestions how to stop this behavior?

[Star0009]

The biggest flea I picked up is rumination from my BPD mom. Especially after coming out of a lifetime of abuse from family and letting so many toxic people into my life I have lots of anger coming out as well. I was very shy and easy going my whole life, held everything in, took every negative thing said to me to heart and suffered so much self hatred and pain in silence. I don't want to be an angry person but I do find myself ruminating over people who have hurt me in my life friends and family. People who I let walk all over me and use me and then drop me. Family who spent years harassing me when I was too shy to speak bc I now know I was the scapegoat. I find myself on social media looking at their pages. Some I have confronted in anger by email and it never goes well and I never feel better or get the resolve I want. I want to be mad, get an apology and have peace but I know I won't get that.  I hate feeling this way but don't know how to shake a lifetime of pain. Its not all the time and often I have already started to form healthier relationships with healthier people but if I get down especially late at night its hard to pull out of this anger I have for people who slighted me who are by no means thinking about me. I know its not healthy but don't know how to stop it. I also ruminate over fears of running into one of these people from my past as I'm moving back to my hometown. I'm not a confrontational person and I fear seeing them and feeling bullied all over or scared they will be mean again and I rudiment on that. I hope I'm using this term correctly. . Does anyone else have this problem? and /or suggestions how to stop this behavior?

[Harri]

Hi Star.  I used to ruminate all the time.  For things that happened long ago and about people who hurt me, very similar to what you describe here.  You are not alone in this.

I can't point to any one thing that helped me.  Over time, working on me, healing myself and really looking at my own behaviors helped.  No matter how someone hurt us in the past, we can't change it, we can't control it.  We can change us and the way we would respond now.  focus on that.  The healing you have already done means you are different.  You will not react the same way you did and you are not powerless like you once were.  As you heal more and become more focused and centered on what you can do and learn who you really are, the need to hear apologies or get acknowledgement will pass.

We have several articles on rumination.  One is here: Dealing with Ruminations   The thread talks about ruminations, what is happening and ways to deal with them.  See what you think and if you have any questions we can talk about them.

[isilme]

Star0009,

Hi - I think it's often very normal to ruminate.  I think we need to find a balance between remembering bad things, analyzing bad things, and stopping before we get to ruminating about them.  It's hard, subjective, and is a case-by-case study of each event you need to work through.  This is a process, not a race, or something to reach an end, so you can take as much time as you need to work through things.

I've reached a point in my late 30s and now 40s where frankly I am far too tired to exert energy on things that will not change or improve my life.  I will write a stern letter or make an angry phone call to prevent ymself from ebing over charged or taken advantage of.  But if a "friend" urts me or sues me, and it's jsut an inherent selfihsness on their part (some seem to be similiar to children in how they treat people), I just find it best to be less available to them.  If someone goes out of their way to hurt me or my husband, I will take more direct action, and if that means an angry "divorce-from-friend" letter to feel I explained exactly what they did (we actually had a "friend" go slander us to a local restaurant so she could put a lot of food on a  tab for a party we'd paid a deposit for, so the owner would not listen to us when we called and asked to cancel orders over what we agreed to pay - she tried to stick us with the bill) then I will do it. 

Most days though I ask, "will this improve things, make anything better, or make me FEEL better either now or in the long run?"  If not, it's not worth expending my limited energy.  I'm not sure if that's a meter to help you - I also tell myself, sometimes out loud, "stop thinking about that!  it's just making you feel worse."  (yes, I speak to myself in the 2nd person, weird). 

Another thing - keep from having too much quiet time if you are feeling you are ruminating too much.  It's okay to have some pleasant distractions - music or talk radio in the shower, in the car, keep you engaged externally if you need it. I like to read, but if I can't focus, if I am upset, I like to work with my hands.  I make crochet toys and blankets as gifts and to sell.  I sometimes paint.  I do what I can to keep my mind calm, to expend physical energy so my mind does not have much to use to keep me in a feedback loop of hurt and pain.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Star0009,

This sounds like tough stuff you are dealing with. When we are hurting, we want the pain to go away somehow, and if I look to where I believe the source of my pain is, that's where I want to go, to make it go away.

Have you ever tried reaching out to your inner children when you are so sorrowful, to see what they're feeling deep down? You can comfort them in their pain by sharing that you know what they are going through. By comforting them, you may well comfort yourself.

What do you think of this idea?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Would it be accurate to say the ruminations are driven by anger (hurt)? I think that's what you are saying.  It's a given that you are angry towards those who have hurt you.  How much are you angry at yourself,  if at all?

[HappyChappy]

Star0009,

So Sorry  you are struggling in this way, I was also the scapegoat (we are pretty awesome bunch). Radically acceptance helped my rumination.  When I ruminate  I’m trying to solve the unsolvable , so they run forever. Just knowing my BPD mom won’t ever change helped with thoughts of trying reach her.  Knowing it wasn’t personal, helped with the anger we scapegoats justifiably feel.

You mention you’re afraid of bumping into old bullies. Could you accept that’s a possibly risk, and have a plan. My friend has a great response, he says “You’re thinking of my cousin, who are you again ?”. You also mentioned you're easy going, so am I, but we more than most need to check we have health boundaries, such as brushing off unwanted approaches. Wishing you peace.

Harri your link to rumination doesn’t seem to work for me, no matter how many times I click it, a fitting metaphor for someone who can’t stop ruminating.  

[Panda39]

Hi all,

I'm just reading along and saw Happy Chappy's note about Harri's link on Rumination not working so I thought I'd try it.

See if this works... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Panda39

[Harri]

Panda, thank you for the fix... .  I just went back and fixed mine too.   

HappyC... .gosh you made me laugh!  Fitting indeed!  So sorry for that.  Go ahead and rad it now... .you have two places to choose from now!   

[Star0009]

Thanks this is all great advice and I will put some of these ideas into practice. As far as running into bullies these are all people I know well enough where I would look like a crazy person and give them more ammo if I said I'm not me. but I love the idea of a standard line I could use to get away from them. I had one of my bf's friends bully me and make fun of me online and he even showed up with this girl at my house once I didn't know who came in and made all these rude comments to me about being shy and awkward. I barely knew the guy. He even came in my workplace a year after this when another mutual friend of my bf and his at the time saw me in there and I guess sent him in. I barely knew him but he loved to seriously bully me. It has been over 10 years since I saw him and last time I was visiting my hometown I saw him in a coffee shop when I walked in and he saw me and kept looking around everyone to stare at me. It was crazy. It was like I was Elvis or something. In the past I would have run away but I was proud of myself because I thought 'this guy is ridiculous ' and so I sat there across the room for awhile and drank my coffee and he finally ignored me but it was still upsetting and I know in my hometown even grown adults like him all want to be 'cool' and 'rockstars' and network. So I fear more people ganging up on me. Not my thing but I still fear getting bullied as an adult but at the same time I'm getting stronger and I'm like let them talk.
To answer the question "Am I angry at myself?' No but I wish I was for not being stronger or setting better boundaries. Instead I get down on myself thinking people all hate me for a reason. I'm MUCH better at not doing this then the past but instead of anger at myself I go into self hate mode.

[Panda39]

I think Bullies want to put others down in order to build themselves up.  It says more about them and their insecurities than about who you are.

Good for you to push through that discomfort I hear a step forward for you there. 

Panda39

[isilme]

In the past I would have run away but I was proud of myself because I thought 'this guy is ridiculous ' and so I sat there across the room for awhile and drank my coffee and he finally ignored me but it was still upsetting and I know in my hometown even grown adults like him all want to be 'cool' and 'rockstars' and network.

Many of us really don't progress beyond who we were in high school unless there have been motivations and pushes to do so.  It's a bit like your immune system I think.  So, a person who never leaves their hometown, and never faces HUGE challenges in life, they are able to remain exactly who they were at 15, even into their 50s.  Adversity is often required for us to grow and change, and those of us who have been abused find we've had t grow and change at rates beyond our peers.   Our "immune system" has had to develop antibodies for things to which we've been exposed, while our peers may not have had those exposures, and therefore we change to simply survive, they get to stay the same.

[Star0009]

I'm feeling very down and super depressed. I just did it. I was feeling ok emotionally all day. Then I started thinking about my move back home. I looked up my last roommate on the computer who acted like my friend and love bombed me but was using me for rides and my car to meet up with these much younger girls one of whom she invited over our apt and I heard her trash talking me to her. Once she couldn't use me anymore she unfriended me on social media and is now friends with all these girls she would use me for rides to meet up with and who I was trash talked to even though she acted like my friend. Whats worse my other friend also ditched me at the same time to be her friend. Both may have been on the pd spectrum. Both though knew my story and what I had been thru. Both now are very well off and all in this great circle of friends. Moving back to my home town in some ways will be a break I need but it has so many memories and family who scapegoat me. I read about how to put things into files. Its so hard honestly to bring up good files with people because I had so many toxic people involved in my life or entwined with trauma. I can do it with my animals from the past and memories with them are good files if I keep the people out. My good files are all music or art or books etc... not humans even though I love people there has been so much pain of them not loving me back.

[Turkish]

How many people are in your home town? The county? I'm from a small town too.  It sounds like you may be happy/sad.

[Star0009]

Its a small city with lots of nearby small towns and other cities so people overlap and there seems to clusters of social groups of people who all know each other so one is bound to run into people. My one uncle/ my mom's brother who is cruel to me is a head of a big company so my family on my Mom's side especially in the nearby city know lots of people. I am happy but also sad.

[Turkish]

Nowhere is prefect,  but is said,  don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good (or the better). You've concluded that the move back there is better (though not perfect), yes?

[Star0009]

yeah. I guess it is the better option. I like the weather much better mainly and that keeps me at peace. Thanks. Yeah I tend to get into these ruts where I focus on the negative.