Unsure what is going through BPD wife’s mind

[Sufferingsoul34]

Hi there, I wasn’t posting frequently a couple of months ago as I was living in Washington DC for the summer with my wife and all of a sudden at the end she tells me she wants a divorce and I flew to England where I am from and she flew to her home state. We didn’t speak for a week or two then she started reaching out to me just general chat. Anyway this lasted just over 2 months and she was started to say she wanted to meet and go on holiday together etc. my dad had cancer which now he is thankfully cured for now so I said I cannot do anything until I know that he is ok.

Couple of weeks ago we got the great news that he is going to be ok so my wife was asking when I am going to see her. I asked her does she know what she wants get regarding our marriage and she says she still doesn’t know. Anyway she had a week off college last week and I paid for a flight for her to come to the Uk to see me and my family. We had a great time then on the last day we were talking and she was asking when I am going to America, I think she finds it hard to communicate. I told her I have plans to go to a soccer game with my dad but will come after that. She didn’t seem happy and during our last evening here she was starting small arguments for nothing (eg my sister folded her laundry for her ready to pack and she went crazy as my sister touched her clothes) then the following day we got to London train station which is 2 hours train from my home and as soon as we got there she said to me ‘this trip proves that I don’t want to be with you’ and she walked off to meet her friend who she hadn’t seen for a few years (we were supposed to go together). Anyway an hour later she sends me a message asking where we are staying. So I told her the hotel and Then she asks if we are still going for dinner... .I know she is on Prozac and didn’t take it everyday when here so not sure if that’s affecting it.
Then we had a nice night together then the following morning I took her to the train station for the airport and we kissed and she was all nice, told each other we loved one another and off she went. For a few days she was calling and texting me constantly. But the last few days the texts have been few and far between and no calls so I guessed something was up. I texted her yesterday asking if she was ok and what had she been upto, she responded saying ‘I’m done with you’ and that’s it, I replied saying ? And she didn’t respond at all.

I don’t know if she’s found somebody else or just annoyed because I didn’t fly back to see her in the states yet because of the plans with my dad but I am supposed to be flying there in a couple of days but really unsure what to do.

Just so disappointed as my family aren’t the biggest fan of her but she came anyway and they were all nice with each other etc then bang... .push pull again... .

Do I fly,? Do I wait for her to contact me again when she has another change of heart? She doesn’t know I have this flight booked.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sufferingsoul34]

Also on Saturday she was messaging me saying there’s a song named after her called ‘sweet but psycho’ I’m not sure if she wanted a specific response from me for it but I said to her that if she thinks she’s crazy then she’s doing the right things to help which is exercise, medidication and therapy.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like her emotions are flip-flopping rather quickly.  In these situations, I've found it best to not try to guess what my pwBPD is thinking and to just chart a course that seems reasonable.  If flying feels right to you, then fly.  Let her know, and if she says, "Don't come, I'm done with you," just tell her you've booked the flight, and it's up to her whether she sees you or not when you're there.

I am wondering if the stress of your father's illness and the fact that it's drawn your attention away from her is threatening to her, stimulating  fears of abandonment which are a hallmark of BPD.  Do you think that might be the case?  If so, with the good news about your father, there may be an opportunity to calm those fears.

How long have you been married?

RC

[Sufferingsoul34]

When you say chart a course what do you mean by that? We have been married 5 and a half years now.
I do think that is the case yes about fearing of being abandoned, and also maybe she was expecting me to drop all of my plans and go back with her and that’s triggered the fears of abandonment again for her as she thinks I’m choosing my family over her, which I am not st all, I just had plans and can’t really throw them all out of the window when she says. She literally said on the last day when I said I cannot fly straight back, she said ‘ are you choosing your family over your wife’

[Radcliff]

What I mean about "chart a course" is that sometimes our pwBPD are irrational, and collaboratively planning with them is impossible.  There are dangers to acting unilaterally, we always want to be collaborative when possible, but it can't always happen.  In these instances we need to pick the best path we can.  It often may be influenced by our boundaries.  Your making time for your father was protecting a boundary around time with your family of origin (FOO).

It seems like you were making a good choice in supporting your FOO, and it's not fair for her to say you were picking them over her.  I've faced similar accusations, and it's so frustrating.  Yet her feelings are real to her.  When she said this, how did you respond?

RC

[Sufferingsoul34]

When she said I am choosing my family over her I said I am not, just my dad has had a bad time lately and he’s looking forward to going to this soccer game with me. Then she didn’t talk about it again but from that point about me not flying back to the states with her, she started to look for any excuse to pick a fight and I was tired on the morning we were going to London and reacted by saying she cannot speak to people like she does. I probably shouldn’t have done that but what she did really frustrated me as she was going crazy as my sister kindly picked up her laundry out of the dryer and folded it all nicely for her ready to pack.
I still haven’t heard from her since her message and haven’t sent her anything yet as usually I wait for her to calm down and start messaging me again, which in the past she has always done. Actually wouldn’t surprise me if she completely forgets that she sent me ‘I’m done with you’ and randomly call me out of the blue asking when I’m moving over there with her.
She was speaking to all my family as if we were so happily married, asking them when they are going to visit us and stuff.
The only hope I have is that she is seeing a therapist who knows she has BPD but hasn’t got round to telling her yet as it’s very hard, plus she’s taking Prozac and exercising a lot so that’s the only thing that gives me hope in this marriage.

The other issue is I was doing so well before she came and was contemplating a divorce and moving on, then she came and reeled me back in and I feel as though I love her and want to be with her more than ever, it’s lile she cast a spell on me or something... .

[Radcliff]

The tools we teach here are pretty much a requirement for getting by in these relationships.  Have you had a chance to practice any of the tools yet?  If so, which have you found most useful?  Which do you feel the least confident about?

RC

[Sufferingsoul34]

Hello,
I am just starting to read through the tools now thank you. JADEing looks really good as I think its what I do quite often.

Ok a week on, i decided to take my flight to America to be with her. I didn't tell her I was coming and arrived on Saturday. I knocked on her door and she was very happy to see me, cancelled her plans and we had a great few days. I say a great few days because now it's bad again... .

We went for some food last night and then to the shop then on the way back out of nowhere she starts saying to me why haven't I paid her mum rent for 3 months? (i wish i'd read the JADEing) page before this but I reacted and said I havent been here, and I was going to pay and asked you for the bank details 3 months ago but you never gave them to me (i asked her several times) then she starts reacting and the argument escalating into different things. We got home and I went to bed and she came to bed when I was already sleeping as she went to do some home work.

This morning she was lying in bed next to me and I could see she kept looking over that she wanted me to hug her so I did and that was that. She had plans to leave at 12pm to do homework but she stayed around until 1:30pm. I saw her upstairs and she was having lunch so I asked if she was ok. She said shes not ok and doesn't love me and hasn't loved me for a long time and asking why I am here and that she was so happy for the 3 months when I wasn't around. I was confused and shouldn't have reacted but I said to her I love her and don't want to leave her (abandon her) and I am here because I love her and want the marriage to work. Then she starts bringing up other things like did i give her mum her hairdryer back yet and then we talked about the divorce that didn't happen, I said to her why didn't you take the divorce papers in DC if you don't want to be with me. She said she 'forgot' and that we don't need to get divorced to break up? ANyway i finished the conversation saying I loved her and thats pretty much it.

DId i say the right things? Of course my emotions were everywhere (i didn't show it) and I think i need to learn to walk away when things like this happen? But i am annoyed as there is a severe lack of communication, 3 months later she decides to ask me for the rent even though she told me in the past her mum is paying it (we live in her mums basement) its like how did this even come to her mind? I don't know what to do, I want to tell her I am not going to pay this money as I haven't been here but I dont know.

ANy advice appreciated, love this forum, been reading all the posts and such a great community! Life savers!

[itsmeSnap]

Man I wish I was living with my gf rn. Your wife's and yours situation sounds very similar to what I experience with her, except since we don't live together I can't just "fly to her" and see if she would be happy to see me like your wife was, so look at the bright side!

maybe I could just drive over, It seems intrusive to say the least haha I just wish I had a chance to work through a certain "no contact" we're having.

Anyway about you. My guess is the separation (physical, your dad, and imagined, the " would be divorce") is what's triggering her.

She sounded comforted when you just showed her love, remember BPDs create problems but secretly they want you to look past them, so try and do that. The small things are small enough that they can be safely "disregarded", the big stuff, the divorce, just requires boundaries.

And boundaries need to be enforced. If you don't want to divorce tell her, then proceed to brush aside any threat of divorce until you see the papers, without invalidating! When divorce pops up just be like "oh I'm not feeling like signing any papers, you're too lovely for that" or something and go about your day, you acknowledge her point but not fall for it.

Scary I know, but handle it as a self-harm threat: take it seriously, be ready, but don't push her into it or keep reminding her about that self harm. she can seek divorce herself whenever she wants to, my bet is she won't, but be ready for it if she does.

The problem is we make the problems bigger by taking them too seriously. Getting mad about laundry folding is not a major relationship issue, its a "quirk", so don't hold grudges over little things and try not to let hers affect you. Also keep your feet on the ground, there was no divorce, it never existed, release it from your mind, wait until a real one to worry, it may very well never happen so don't stress over a meteor hitting the earth, even if it happens it's out of your control, so  enjoy your time with your wife, enjoy the present.

As always, YOU are the change, you create your reality, make it a good one.

Hope that helped, stay strong buddy.

[Sufferingsoul34]

Hello,

Thank you so much for your great response! I won’t mention the divorce to her and I need to learn not to react to smal things and pass it over, thanks for that advice as that’s definitely something I need to work on, I have become a lot more patient through education into BPD but still a way to go as they are so unpredictable aren’t they and seem to get you just when the guard is down!

Last night we went to the gym together and then this morning she came back from her school and was happy and chatty to me like normal... .

My issue is that next Thursday I am flying back to England for a few days as one of my friends is getting married and I am the best man. I actually lost sleep last night worrying about telling my wife I had to go to England for a few days, she was originally invited but as she wasn’t talking to me for a while and said she didn’t want to go a couple of times then I changed my guest to my best friend in the UK.

My issue is how do I tell my wife I am going to England for a few days? I told her Mum last night who I have a good relationship with and she says my wife will go mad. Which I know, but why shouldn’t I be able to go to my good friends wedding for a few days... .? It’s not as if I didn’t invite my wife. I know she wouldn’t be able to come now even if I invited her as she cannot take any more days off work but I guess I could ask her again? This is my biggest negative about being married to her is that I feel as though I have to lie about things just to have a ‘peaceful life’ which shouldn’t be the case. Not that I am going to lie now but it’s always tempting. I remember 4 years ago my other friend got married and I was in the UK at the time, I sent her a picture whilst at the wedding and she said ‘nice’ then I didn’t hear from her for a week. It’s like she was threatened that I was going to meet somebody there then abandon her or something... .

Any advice would be great as I don’t know how to tell her... .‘oh by the way I’m going to England for a wedding for the weekend’

[itsmeSnap]

I suggest you do not lie to her, communication is KEY to overcome her insecurities, otherwise her mind will wander into a dark place and it will not be a good experience for any of you.

When I had to tell my gf about something I had to do I would let her know, she'd fight it, saying stuff like "but I want you now", maybe it sounds weird to put it like this but it was like telling a toddler she could have the candy but only after she's had her dinner, she'd pout and then brush it off like oh I had to do x and y anyway, I'd agree we both had stuff to do and we'd be ok.

The time I was busy and didn't tell her about it she went completely silent and blocked me everywhere, so I've been on both sides of the issue.

And about the jealousy, when she was being insecure I'd get romantic with her. She's really attractive so I never had a problem feeling "inspired", she trusts her emotions more than her mind so when she felt "shivers down her spine" and "knees going weak" she'd believe it. love she'd doubt, not desire though.

Something to consider. I thank the flying spaghetti monster this is an anonymous forum, this is personal stuff I'm sharing with you, I want to help you.

So please respect it.

Stay strong buddy.