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Author Topic: A grown daughter with BPD. How can I aproach her to get help?  (Read 490 times)
1momwhope
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: October 30, 2018, 06:37:23 PM »

I am still walking on eggshells with my daughter.  She has thrown me out of her house, left nasty phone messages and text messages, she had stated false statements to others about me,  and refuses to talk with me or let me see my grand daughters.  

To be perfectly honest, I am enjoying the absence of drama at this time.  I am worried about my grand daughters.  There father is an alcoholic and I believe my daughter has untreated BPD.  What chance do they have?  What can I do to help my daughter and grand daughters?

I have started to see a therapist in hopes of helping myself, my daughter, my other children, and my grandchildren.  

How can I approach her to get help?    
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
wendydarling
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Relationship status: Mother
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« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2018, 12:06:35 AM »

Hi 1momwhope

Welcome to bpdfamily  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm very sorry to hear this, though appreciate you're benefiting from the absence of the drama right now. You'll find some parents in similar situations to you, you are not alone.

I'm glad to hear you've recently engaged a therapist and now joined us here, having a strong support system is key to finding a way forward that works for you, your situation.

How old is your daughter, how long since she refuses to talk you, did something happen to trigger this latest behaviour?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2018, 10:42:48 AM »

Hi 1mom!
When our daughter lived in our house, my anxiety level was much worse, because I wanted to interact with my DD18, but almost any conversation we could have outside of the weather went south really fast, and ended up causing pain, both sides.  I am counting my blessings, now that she isn't living with me, because we are able to talk and text a little each day, and having some good interactions is such a great relief for me.  When she lived here, 4 out of 5 interactions were negative and left all feeling "jilted."  Now, it's the other way around, with many good (albeit short) interactions, which helps both of us.  So, maybe there are some good things that can come from this present physical separation?

My daughter recently dated a young man whose mother was BPD, he was not.  (sidebar:  I found it interesting that he would seek out a girlfriend with BPD, such as my daughter).  I learned a lot from this young man.  He handled my daughter's BPD well, and had developed personality traits of quiet patience that went a long way in not triggering my daughter.  While he suffered from his mother's instability in ways such as not having physical resources like a wardrobe and a stable home to live in, he was ok... .not really as disabled as I would have thought, given the conditions he grew up in.

Depending on your grandchildren's age, at some point, maybe it's ok to tell them you will always be available to them to talk and help support (be specific about what types of support you can or cannot give them, so they know what to ask for help with).  This young man my daughter dated... .his mother didn't have a home, so she lives with a man, and the man doesn't allow this boy to live in his home, so the boy had 2 or so outfits and no home... .his physical needs are many, and at 19 years old, he needs everything... .car, college help, clothes, food, shelter... .etc.  All that said, he takes life in stride pretty good... .and his personality is amazing given his circumstances.

As your grandchildren grow up, regardless of what their mother says, they will likely migrate to you, via phone or text or other ways, because they know you love them and care about their circumstances. 

Like WDx, I wish I had more information (specifics) on what you are dealing with.  I don't want to read anything into your circumstances and hope you'll elaborate on things a little more.

I care and empathize with your situation, and mine is similar.  I am listening to the books "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.  My husband and I are also starting therapy with a DBT specialist. 

As a parent of a BPDD, I realize that I am in for a lifetime of this and want to be as prepared as possible to best communicate with her.  I also need a lot of help in how to set boundaries with her, because just stating my thoughts and feelings to her as I would to any other person elicits responses I would have never dreamed of.  I have a lot to learn, myself... .So... .the distance or physical separation for the time being is, in my opinion, a really good thing, because it gives me a chance to learn and work on the things I am learning without all of the constant negative interactions, which sends my emotions reeling. 



 



 







 
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