What 'saved' you?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It is said that having one validating person in our lives while growing up is what can keep us from developing BPD or other disorders.  Alice Miller refers to this as having an enlightened witness. 

So who validated you?  Who saw your pain and showed you love and acceptance and gave you a glimpse of what it meant to trust?  Who gave you stability?

For me it was books and TV which my imagination took and created a world where I was safe and loved and protected.  I also had a Man's Voice in my head that told me things like 'you don't deserve this' and 'she should not be doing this to you'.  My T says it was me, my knowledge that I was hearing in my own head but I remember it as a Man's Voice and he was comforting to me.  I actually missed him when he stopped talking to me.  I used to hear him at night when I was in my bed.  He was a part of the world I created where I had friends who had my back.  It was a pretty complex world too. 

It is called a paracosm, which is a detailed imaginary world. Paracosms are thought generally to originate in childhood and to have one or numerous creators. The creator of a paracosm has a complex and deeply felt relationship with this subjective universe, which may incorporate real-world or imaginary characters and conventions. Commonly having its own geography, history, and language, it is an experience that is often developed during childhood and continues over a long period of time, months or even years, as a sophisticated reality that can last into adulthood.

The characters who lived in my head were my witnesses and my source of love and trust.  They validated me and comforted me after the worst of the abuse.

So what saved you?  A teacher?  A pet?  A neighbor?

[Harri]

It is said that having one validating person in our lives while growing up is what can keep us from developing BPD or other disorders.  Alice Miller refers to this as having an enlightened witness. 

So who validated you?  Who saw your pain and showed you love and acceptance and gave you a glimpse of what it meant to trust?  Who gave you stability?

For me it was books and TV which my imagination took and created a world where I was safe and loved and protected.  I also had a Man's Voice in my head that told me things like 'you don't deserve this' and 'she should not be doing this to you'.  My T says it was me, my knowledge that I was hearing in my own head but I remember it as a Man's Voice and he was comforting to me.  I actually missed him when he stopped talking to me.  I used to hear him at night when I was in my bed.  He was a part of the world I created where I had friends who had my back.  It was a pretty complex world too. 

It is called a paracosm, which is a detailed imaginary world. Paracosms are thought generally to originate in childhood and to have one or numerous creators. The creator of a paracosm has a complex and deeply felt relationship with this subjective universe, which may incorporate real-world or imaginary characters and conventions. Commonly having its own geography, history, and language, it is an experience that is often developed during childhood and continues over a long period of time, months or even years, as a sophisticated reality that can last into adulthood.

The characters who lived in my head were my witnesses and my source of love and trust.  They validated me and comforted me after the worst of the abuse.

So what saved you?  A teacher?  A pet?  A neighbor?

[isilme]

I had no one "real".  We lived far from family, friends were essentially forbidden, had no siblings to share or diffuse the abuse and neglect.  It was always just two crazy adults and me.  I was told to distrust and lie to teachers and counselors and girl scout troop leaders.  Hide the family business.  I think now, some saw soemthing strange in me, but I was terrified to share, so I lied, hid things, so as not to get yelled at or beat.

I love a Christmas Carol.  want to know one of the hardest scenes in it?  When Scrooge is taken to his old school house:

"The school is not quite deserted," said the Ghost. "A solitary child, neglected by his friends, is left there still."

Scrooge said he knew it. And he sobbed.

Scrooge took refuge in his exile by an angry father in his books.  Ali Baba and Robinson Crusoe were his friends.  

My "friends":

My cats.  Sara Crew.  Dr. Sam Beckett.  Marty McFly.  Indiana Jones.  Captains Kirk AND Picard.  Spock and Bones, Data and Wesley.    Paul Atreides.  Michael Knight.  Clark Kent.  Bruce Wayne.  Diana Prince.  Barbara Gordon.  Peter Venkman, Ray Stanz, Winston Zedmore and Egon Spengler.  Sarah and John Conner.  Atreyu.  Ramona Quimby.  Mrs. Frisby.  Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han Solo.  Kris Kringle.  Dana Scully and Fox Mulder.  Robin Williams, in any role - he resembeled my dad to my child's eyes, so I think I connected him as a fantasy father figure who made me laugh AND cry, but in ways I needed.  During the last time of my parents being married, it was bad, very bad, and Mork and Mindy gave me something to look forward to each night on Nick at Night.  So many more characters.  I want to beleive if Fantasia from the Neverending Story is real in any dimension, they actually live and exist.  

I guess I had an imaginarary life I lived parallel to my real life, where I was a lost orphan waiting to be found by people who loved me and wanted me, several adoptive brother or father figures existed based on many of the characters above, just not quite knowing of my existence, but ready to take me in if needed.  A lot of wandering samurai type heros, moving town to town, making right what once went wrong, so how can I be upset if they can't quite help me?  I had an imaginary audiece, of being watched by my would-be protectors, ready to step in if it got "too bad".  They were my role models, for how to treat people, how to act and react.  I saw it as needing adversity, like Captain Kirks says, "I need my pain, it makes me who I am."  

I always thought I was pretty crazy for doing this, very embarassed about how deeply I see many fictional characters as my friends.  They never hurt me.  They never were able to actaully let me down, not being real.  

Sorry.  I am having a rough time right now, this is actaully pretty hard.  I can't beleive how bad knowing I was relegated to mostly living in a fantasy world to protect myself as a child is making me feel.  So lonely.  So much feeling I am not worth much at all.  Why?  Why could they not love me?  Why did/do I derserve hurt so much?

My husband is being very erratic right now, he brought up my parents in anger last night during a fight about hot dogs of all things that got ugly, telling me he can see why they couldn't love me, and I am hurting pretty bad today. The numbness and shock that carried me through the night and day till now seem to be wearing off, and I am feeling very much alone in the world.  

I don't think my fantasy friends can really help me as much these days.  I have no one to go to.  No one to help me.  I am pretty much just as alone as I was as a kid.  I am afriad of real people.  They tend to forget me, leave me out of things, unless they need things from me.  Today, no one remembered to call me for the office Halloween photo.  And, no one told me the daycare kids were outside trick or treating, and I missed getting to ahnd out candy.  I am forgettable.  I exist in the background.  I am there to do for others, but blessed few reemmber me.  I feel marked.  Broken.  Sorry, I am rambling.  I am just hurting, and I started writing this thinking it was neat to finally see someone else had a similar coping mechanism.  But the ramifications of it are hitting like bricks right now.  

Harri, I'm sorry you had to feel about the same way, to resort to something about the same to cope.

[Harri]

   I too am sorry you were so alone Isilme.  I am glad though that you found a way to comfort yourself and had such a great cast of characters to teach you and protect you, though I do wish you had someone in real life too.  Someone who would hug and cherish you and look at you and smile with love.

I always thought I was pretty crazy for doing this, very embarassed about how deeply I see many fictional characters as my friends.  They never hurt me.  They never were able to actaully let me down, not being real.

I understand.  It was only about 2 years ago that I told my now former T about it but on the condition that he not make it his mission to take them away from me.  I did the same thing with my current T.  Yep, you read that right.  They are still in my head and my heart.  I no longer get lost in the world I created and I do not rely on them but they are with me and I like having them in my head.  Now they are just images and feelings of comfort. 

First time I am admitting *that* outside of therapy.    Immediately I feel my defenses rise and I am ready to tell someone to shut it!  I even typed that with attitude!    Don't mess with my people dammit!

Errrrmmm... .okay back to you Isilme.  Like I said, I think you are brilliant and creative for coming up with this way to protect yourself.  I tell myself that a lot.  haha 

 

So lonely.  So much feeling I am not worth much at all.  Why?  Why could they not love me?  Why did/do I derserve hurt so much?

Not one bit of this was because of you Isilme.  I promise you that and I wish I could make you know that deep in your heart.  It was all their failings and flaws that prevented them from cherishing you and protecting you and by God just loving you.   You were a lovable child, precious and worthy of love.  Do not let their flaws define you.

You have us here Isilme.  Don't forget that.  This board can be a hugely powerful place of love, acceptance, support.  *We* have you here.  We get you. 

My husband is being very erratic right now, he brought up my parents in anger last night during a fight about hot dogs of all things that got ugly, telling me he can see why they couldn't love me, and I am hurting pretty bad today. The numbness and shock that carried me through the night and day till now seem to be wearing off, and I am feeling very much alone in the world. 

So your husband managed to get you right where he could do the most damage.  I have nothing kind to say about that.  That makes me angry for you and I just want to sit with you.  It hurts when people do what your husband did.  It was cruel.  But that too is about him, not you.  His ability to use the past that you shared with him in love and trust as a weapon speaks more about him and his mentality than anything to do with you.  When people with BPD dysregulate they can't even see you Isilme. 

I am so sorry this is so painful for you but I am glad you are letting go of the pain and that you came here to talk with us and you shared this part of yourself with me.  Those bricks are bricks you have been carrying and dodging all by yourself... .but you are not alone anymore.  I know it is not the same as a IRL person, but you have us.  You have me and I know there are others. 

*We have* you. 

[isilme]

Not one bit of this was because of you Isilme.  I promise you that and I wish I could make you know that deep in your heart.

I just can't.  He bought me some flowers this weekend, and he went a little overboard, buying me three from the flower girl at the Ren Faire.  I was shocked, not sure why he went overboard, but my friend said, "because he loves you."  And I was tired, but I looked at her, and almost started crying.  She can't quite understand it.  I managed to not cry, and said, "I have a very hard time believing anyone can like me, let alone love me."  And when he does things like this, I have a hard time believing he loves me.  Or that I can have a place BPD can't displace me.  Like, he loves me when it works for him, and then the BPD flip flop, and he needs to assign all bad feelings to me like the Biblical scapegoat to remove all sin from him. 

Valeria from Conan the Barbarian (cheesy, yes, but actually a well made movie if you give it a chance):  "All my life I've been alone. Many times I've faced my death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. And I always passed by. You and I, we have warmth. That's so hard to find in this world. Please. Let someone else pass by in the night."

This is how I feel.  And even in the movie, Conan initially leaves her to find revenge, only to mostly die and she pays the price to bring him back.  Anyway, I still feel my imaginary friends are my friends, I just don't feel as much comfort I guess as I used to? 

Thank you, Harri.  You are a very kind person, and I needed that today.  I am not sure how much I can accept, I seem to have little capacity for believing or allowing myself to feel kindness, or managing it right.  I just don't realize it until days like today.

[Harri]

Okay.  I did not even read your whole post to me (yet!) but answer me one thing:

Can you believe that *I believe* that you are lovable, worthy and that you are likable?  That I believe the people you give so much weight to in terms of defining you are flawed and can't even see you through their own dysfunction?

Can you believe that I believe what I wrote above?

[AoiKoutei]

As for you Harri, I developed the ability to split myself, and this is what saved me the most. It was like we were two individuals in the same body. We could speak together for hours and have a mental conversation in the bed or in the street. It was like having a Siamese brother. He was always there to comfort me, to help me rationalizing my BP mother's behavior etc. He was the brain, and I was the body.
I realised it very lately, that it was just a coping strategy to give me the validation I was longing for.

Now, I try to stop spliting myself. Instead of thinking "we should", I say "I should". But in fact, I've kept the habit of splitting. And honestly, I like it. It's like I'm never alone, even if it can sound sad from an outside point of view. It helps me getting better, and it allows me to see things from a new perspective. Maybe one day, I won't need him anymore.

[Harri]

Hi Aoikoutei, good to see you!

Interesting that you split yourself like that.  Quite creative! 

Thank you for saying you like the feeling of never being alone.  I can't imagine giving up my 'head friends' and I don't interact with them anymore I just like knowing they are there. 

Both the T's that I told this too (though I gave only a few more details there than here) said they would not try to get me to stop.  My current T said she didn't think she could make them go away even if she wanted to.     That made me happy and I was relieved... .and then I thought what you said.  That maybe when I heal more I won't need them anymore.  If it happens naturally I am okay with it.

Only here can we talk about this kind of stuff and not be carted off.  It is not the same as DID nor schizophrenia.  I only recently learned the name paracosm and read up on it but even that is not what I did.  It's okay though.  I know.

What you describe does not sound sad to me.  To me it makes sense probably because I can relate so well.  I don't think it is either healthy or unhealthy as long as we can stay centered in reality when it counts.  Obviously though, I am biased on that. 

Thanks so much for sharing Aoikoutei.  I know just how hard it can be to open up and be vulnerable here.

[isilme]

Harri, all I can say is I am trying.  I guess it’s easier to believe in Santa Claus at 41 years old sometimes than my self worth.   I a, doing somewhat better, I needed to talk, thank you for letting me.

Aoikoutei, I talk to myself a lot.  It’s often conversations with whomever I feel I need to speak.  It soothes me sometimes buy is embarrassing when I a, heard by others.

[Harri]

Of course Isilme.  Trying is good and is all I can ask for really.  I know it is hard so I appreciate your reaching out and telling us what is going on for you.   

[HappyChappy]

I talk to myself a lot.

Me too, sometimes its the only intelligent conversation I can get. . You wise owel isilme.

My friend saved me. Simple as. Kept out of the house most of the time from age 8. Older kids in the street looked after me. Odd that 10 year old boys seemed more clued up than my BPD.
I understand why now. I see folk on here are more family, than my blood. So I'm expecting 75,000 birthday cards.
 

[AoiKoutei]

I totally agree with you Harri !

For me, if something you do doesn't harm someone (human beings and sentient beings), nor yourself, then it can't be criticized.
It's true for everything, and also for splitting. If it helps us getting better and not feeling depressed, then it's up to us to continue or not. And to a certain extent, if it has a positive impact on us, it can even be seen as a good thing.

At the very beginning, I also thought it was schyzophrenia or dissociative identity disorder. But these conditions' description didn't match what I was living at all. I didn't know about paracosm, I'll read about it !  

[naturalturn]

My dog growing up helped me get through so much. He was my buddy and always made me feel loved and cared for. I was devastated when he passed, but I found validation in dance and music. It wasn't as effective as my pup, but these outlets helped. Music helped me block out negative thoughts and distract me from the present. Dancing was something I felt good at which helped with my confidence though this didn't last for a long time... .

The biggest save has been meeting my now fiance when I was 18. He has given me the validation I have been so desperate for. He got us a dog (as a surprise) about a year ago and our pup has really helped heal me as well.

It's interesting to consider all of our different coping methods. One of my biggest fears is becoming BPD myself... .

[Fie]

As for you Harri, I developed the ability to split myself, and this is what saved me the most. It was like we were two individuals in the same body.

Lightbulb moment for me ... .I am realizing I have been splitting myself as well. At least I think so. I used to talk to myself, in the 'we form'. Now I don't really do that anymore.

Coping mechanisms ... .books, writing stories, my dog (until they put it down), my grandparents (until my mum forbid sleepovers - but I thought it was them who didn't want me anymore - I only found out the truth on my grandma's deathbed), a teacher or two. Later on I could escape through friends, and meeting my then-boyfriend at 17. That was my big escape : someone finally loved me. Until he left  :-p

[Notwendy]

I also had a rich imagination as a child. I think if ADHD had been as common a diagnosis when I was in school, my teachers would have considered that, and BPD mom would have gone along with it as it would have not addressed what was going on at home. I daydreamed a lot (as an escape ). If she was dysregulating, homework didn't get done. I still did well overall but spent a lot of time in my own thoughts. I didn't have ADHD  but it probably looked like I did.

Certain events and people along the way "saved" me. I was introduced to the idea of God early on and it gave me a sense of peace to think I had a heavenly parent. My father- he had to deal with a lot and despite the issues in our family, was a stable parent, his family loved us.

I too recall the overwhelming feeling of that first boyfriend who liked me for me. It wasn't meant to last- it was puppy love but that teen age boy had no idea of how much an impact someone liking me for me could have made on a teen in my situation.

College- and being able to be financially independent from my parents.

Being a mother- I am so grateful for my kids.

Recently- my 12 step co-dependency sponsor. She was a gift.

[Smusher]

My lightbulb moment was after putting up years of "walking on eggshells" because of udBPDsd's behaviour and attitudes... me, me and what part of me do you not get... .

The scene was (in short) following a horrendous 3 wks of dealing with sd and trying to detox her for a 20wk program. She made the statement " I always get what I want"!

So after 17+ years of her behaviour etc., within my family - step means nothing in my house... you are mine period! This particular statement and the way it was delivered, was my lightbulb... .I said to myself no, I am no longer doing for you, what you should be doing irregardless of the circumstances... .and at any point I feel or think of wavering... I just go back to the last night I spent with her and that is all I need...

There is peace and serenity in the word "No"

[freespirit]

Thank you for this thread Harri and for everyone replies 

I think one of the things that saves me is creative expression. Giving myself permission to express myself is a very important part of my recovery process.

It is not the trauma itself that is the source of illness but the unconscious, repressed, hopeless despair over not being allowed to give expression to what one has suffered and the fact that one is not allowed to show and is unable to experience feelings of rage, anger, humiliation, despair, helplessness, and sadness. - Alice Miller.

This is my expressive art I did a little while ago. Its a good reminder for me today when I am in an emotional flashback.

[Harri]

HappyC I am glad you had friends to help you through and who cared about you as you were growing up.  We really are our own sort of family here.  It is very special to me and i am glad youa re a part of it.

nauturalturn, I have heard several people say their pet saved them by being there during the dark times and the good ones.   Pets can show great affection and love and I am glad you had your pet back then and have another one now.  It also sounds like your BF is a big comfort for you.

I am glad you mentioned music.  My mom is actually the one who gave me a radio when I was in a really sad time and it became a great comfort to me.  Now, even though I have no musical talent, I try to listen to music several times a week because it makes a huge difference in my moods... .but only the happier light stuff or stuff I listened to as a kid and have good memories associated with it.  If I listen to match my mood, if I am down, it just makes me more depressed.

Fie, aren't lightbulb moments great?  Until Aoikoutei mentioned what he did and called it splitting, I had never thought of it that way.  I don't think I do it, but maybe?  I will have to think about it some more.

As sad and as difficult as it was to lose some of those who saved you, I am glad you had them for the time you did.  It is sad that your mom kept you from your grandparents.  I think relationships with other relatives is one of the things we kids of all lost out on in some way though it seems particularly painful to have had them only to have them taken away or disappear.  What a loss for them Fie.  They lost out on you.   

Notwendy, imaginations are a wonderful thing and it sounds like you used yours in times of stress.  I often think of how your father was tuned in enough to help you and send you to his family when he could.  The rest that you mention are all wonderful too. 

Smusher, thanks for joining us and congrats on learning the power of the word 'No'!  That can be very freeing indeed!

freespirit,  that is a beautiful piece of art and very powerful.  Thank you for sharing it here with all of us.

[Panda39]

I did not have a BPD parent, so I think my need for being "saved" was small.  But I think many of us have special people that we connect with, that see our true authentic selves and encourage us in ways our parents don't or can't.

I have a critical controlling tightly wound mom, but had a marvelous father so I was okay I had a parent, that was "my" parent.  But I did find myself reaching out to other mother figures. 

My third grade teacher that shared a love of purple, that took her class to her house, had a neon Mexican Art collection she shared with her class, and she had a wonderful warmth.  Oh and a giant (at least that how it felt at 8) St. Bernard that was as big as we were, that as a treat she would sometimes bring to class. 

My best friend's mom she nurtured my creativity, she was funny, expressive, talented both in art and music, open in a way my mother never could be... .I never knew who I wanted to play with when I went to their house my friend or her mom.

isilme your list of friends made me smile it's amazing we haven't met before because we have so many friends in common particularly the Star Trek Crews.

Happy Chappy I love your sense of humor  let me know when it's time to send the Birthday Card so I can be the first of the 75,000 members to send one... .I'll post it here!

freespirit I agree with you on making art, it is what I do when I need to stop worrying about something.  Because creating something immediately puts me in the "now" and focuses my energy in a healthier way.

Harri you talked about music helping you. My relationship with music has been interesting, I came to realize when I'm depressed I don't listen to music... .I mean really listen.  Yes, the radio might be on but it's background noise.  For about 10 years I tuned it out and I think I did because music made me feel and I didn't want to feel.  To feel would have meant opening up the flood gates of the sadness and depression I was unsuccessfully trying to keep at bay at the time.

One of the first things I started doing after divorcing and moving into my own place was to start buying music. 

Still listening... .tells me I'm doing okay.

Panda39

[Harri]

Panda, music as a barometer of mental health!  haha  May you always have music in your life.   

Thanks for joining in.  Every time I read your posts about what it was like with your mom I am struck by how well you do fit in here.   I am very happy you had your father growing up. 

But I think many of us have special people that we connect with, that see our true authentic selves and encourage us in ways our parents don't or can't.

Yes, exactly.  I did have a few people who did that for me.  Mostly though, it happened when I came here.  You were one of many people who embraced me and accepted me. 

I was not close to my grandmother, but I did see her a lot when I was younger.   Close was not possible as it was too awkward and tense with the fighting between my mother, my aunts and my grandmother.  They spent more time not talking to each other than talking when I was a kid. My grandmother was one of the people who used to look me in the eyes with a smile of joy in hers.  I can remember her greeting me with a look of pleasure and excitement when i went to visit.  I've been thinking about her a lot lately.

[HappyChappy]

teacher that shared a love of purple,

I shared a love of purple with my Art teacher ! Sadly that's all I've got to say. Carry on. 

[JNChell]

I think about this a lot, Harri. My T touches on this quite a bit. She’s trying to make me discover my resiliency. I struggle with it. I tend to disassociate in therapy when she is asking me questions about it, and I have to ask her to repeat. It’s embarrassing.

I’m not sure what saved me. I have a handful of assumptions on why I didn’t cross over. My grandma, my childhood (and still) best friend and his family, the fact that I’m not biologically connected to my FOO. I don’t know. Maybe I saved myself somehow. I’ve been told that I “don’t have any quit” in me.

What saved me... .Hmm. I think it has been a collective. I’ve unknowingly walked a fine line up until quite recently. I had a grandma that showed me love and affection when I was deep in childhood abuse. I had/have a best friend that showed me what a loving family looks like. For whatever reason, I never gave in to the madness. At times I still feel like I’m walking that tightrope. Especially with S3’s mom.

I’m a survivor on a quest to become a thriver. Sometimes there is no end in sight, but I have to remind myself that it’s there. Good thread, Harri.

[lulubell2017]

I have given this question a lot of thought. Sometimes wonder if I was saved at all. But then I remember what she was like, and I realize ... .no,  I am not her. I'm not unreasonable, I'm not a drama queen, I'm not irresponsible.
Maybe what helped was the fact that I grew up with my grandma. She was also abusive, but not even by far the way my mother was.

When I was a little girl, I used to spend a lot of time emerged in the stories of my own imagination. I used to love this, but my family noticed it and could not understand what was going on. They just thought I was a weirdo. I remember someone saying "I have never seen a person just sit and do absolutely nothing for such a long time" . But I wasn't "doing nothing", I was living my scenarios and an imaginary life much better than what I had in reality. I still do this sometimes, but it's rather rare now. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who had this.

[Harri]

JNChell wrote: 

I think about this a lot, Harri. My T touches on this quite a bit. She’s trying to make me discover my resiliency. I struggle with it. I tend to disassociate in therapy when she is asking me questions about it, and I have to ask her to repeat. It’s embarrassing.

Why do you think you dissociate from this?  Is she trying to get you to see positive things about yourself of your childhood?

I think all of the things you mentioned are important (grandmother, friend and his family) but most important is you and your personality.  You seem very positive to me and can laugh.  Laughter is huge in terms of being able to cope and is helpful with resiliency.  Let's face it, some of the stuff we have dealt with is hilarious in a dark and twisted way! 

At times I still feel like I’m walking that tightrope. Especially with S3’s mom.

Why  do you think S3's mom can keep you on the tightrope?

lulubell said:

But I wasn't "doing nothing", I was living my scenarios and an imaginary life much better than what I had in reality. I still do this sometimes, but it's rather rare now. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who had this.

Exactly!  I am glad you had a world where you were safe but sorry that others noticed and put you down for it. 

Sometimes wonder if I was saved at all.

Yes, I think I know what you mean.  None of us got out without damage, not from what I can tell anyway.  An old friend told me that it would not be normal to go through what I (you) experienced and not come out with some sort of damage.  When she told me that, I clung to it for life as it comforted me to know it was expected for me to have issues. 

What do you think?

[Libra]

Hi Harri,

Good subject, I have been reflecting on this a lot the past months.

My childhood abroad was very isolated and lonely.
I talked to the plants in the garden.They always listened  .
I had endless discussions with others in my head to solve real or imagined problems. I still do this sometimes, it drives H up the walls. (I often need a long time to process things and speak them out loud, if I say them at all).
I read A LOT: Nancy Drew, The Famous Five, Agatha Christie, The Wind in the Willows, then later on Stephen King, English and Russian classics, you name it, I read it. By the time I was 13 I was in the adult section.
I listened to the few audio-stories we had, sitting in the corner right next to the stereo box.
I watched movies and series endlessly (I still know 101 dalmatians by heart), later on I loved all the series with weird loners trying to save or improve the world (MacGyver, Airwolf, Columbo, Murder she Wrote, ... .).
I don't know if these things 'saved' me, but it kept at bay the loneliness.

In my teens I had a best friend (she lived next door). In hindsight, it was actually a very unhealthy friendship. She was a very self-centered person, and I was always tagging along, looking up at her. Being used mostly. it took me 8 bloody years to realize that and end the friendship. UGH... .
But she did get me out of the house. I fought for the right to play in the field behind our houses with her, to be allowed to bike to school, and to be allowed to go on holiday camps to a horse ranch, which was allowed thanks to the fact she also went there.
When I was 16 I started working on that ranch every holiday I could and almost every Sunday. I felt happy there, although, once again, it was a very emotionally unhealthy environment. I was known as the Ice Princess among the younger folk there. But I felt good among the horses, and I had a good trusting relationship with the lady-owner of the ranch. She gave me so much trust and responsibility. That made me feel better about myself.

Libra.

[isilme]

lulubell,

I remember someone saying "I have never seen a person just sit and do absolutely nothing for such a long time" . But I wasn't "doing nothing", I was living my scenarios and an imaginary life much better than what I had in reality. I still do this sometimes, but it's rather rare now. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who had this.

I was told to be unseen and unheard much of the time, so yeah, I did this.  I know I played with my Barbies and other toys, but it's not like I've seen other kids play with dolls.  I spent time dressing them and doing their hair, and enjoyed rearranging the furniture in their house, using old Christmas stuff to make decorations for Barbie, but their actions, it was almost all in my head.  

At school, I was used to being the odd one, so I had some "friends" in my bag all the time.  I had well-worn copies of books to read so I'd not talk to myself in public, and so I'd have someone to eat lunch with if the kids were particularly mean on a given day.  

I think we have all been "saved" as someone has been from downing.  I am breathing, but I often have to face a fear of water that others don't fathom.  Much like my migraines don't show, my scars from how I grew up don't really show unless I choose to.  Otherwise, I think I must come off as aloof or strange.

[isilme]

I had endless discussions with others in my head to solve real or imagined problems. I still do this sometimes, it drives H up the walls. (I often need a long time to process things and speak them out loud, if I say them at all).
I read A LOT: Nancy Drew, The Famous Five, Agatha Christie, The Wind in the Willows, then later on Stephen King, English and Russian classics, you name it, I read it. By the time I was 13 I was in the adult section.
I listened to the few audio-stories we had, sitting in the corner right next to the stereo box.
I watched movies and series endlessly (I still know 101 dalmatians by heart), later on I loved all the series with weird loners trying to save or improve the world (MacGyver, Airwolf, Columbo, Murder she Wrote, ... .).

What about the A-Team and Michael Knight?  Sounds like my "wandering samurai" heroes

[Harri]

 It makes me smile and feel sad to think of you talking to the plants.  I bet they were gorgeous and full from all your chatting with them.  =]

So another slow processor!  Yes!  We shall unite... .see you next year... .<--- get it?

I am glad you were able to get out of the house and go to the ranch.  It sounds like your 'friend' was at least a good catalyst for getting you to fight.  And the lady at the ranch sounds like she was smart enough to recognize a good thing when she saw you.  

It sounds like a combination of things together with you being you helped you to survive.  

[Libra]

What about the A-Team and Michael Knight?  Sounds like my "wandering samurai" heroes Smiling (click to insert in post)

Isilme, I don't know how I could forget them! I think though that Kit was the real hero, more than Michael.
I really loved Tour of Duty as well. A bit different, but still... .

Harri, Are you sure? It's almost New Year, you know! <-- Yep, I got it 

It sounds like a combination of things together with you being you helped you to survive.

I wish I knew what magical 'me-ness' (that is not a word, I know... .) kept me going. Then I could be proud of that.

 
Libra.

[JNChell]

Evenin’ Harri!

Why do you think you dissociate from this?  Is she trying to get you to see positive things about yourself of your childhood?

She’s trying to get me to see the positives in myself and to nudge me along in the fact that all that happened wasn’t my fault and that I had no control over the situation then. That I survived it in ways that I could only figure out as a child. I imagine the disassociation comes from my wiring. It’s not severely checking out, it’s just difficult to stay on the same level with my T when the conversation goes there. It’s becoming more conscious to me, it’s just coming out of a subconscious place, if that makes sense.

Let's face it, some of the stuff we have dealt with is hilarious in a dark and twisted way!

Totally agree.

Why  do you think S3's mom can keep you on the tightrope?

Because the feelings with her are all too familiar. The relationship with her is what finally exposed my C-PTSD. Not that this label was around back in the day. Let me reword that. Being in and choosing to stay, wait and fight for it brought my core childhood wounds to the surface with a vengeance. My choice, I own that.

I once confronted my parents over their actions and was denied acknowledgement of those actions and any resulting closure. The dynamic with S3’s mom is quite the same. The second round of this gaslighting feels crappier than the first round. I guess it’s just a feeling that I didn’t want to, nor expect to experience again. Newfound knowledge has let me know that it was basically destined to happen if the original trauma was never properly processed. The knowledge and testimonies help to navigate what often feels like a blind path to healing.

[Harri]

Libra said:  

Harri, Are you sure? It's almost New Year, you know!

haha!

That me-ness is what got you talking to plants as a kid and reading great books and gives you the ability to joke back with me and show empathy, compassion, love, everything about you is your me-ness.  It is what helped you survive and still be a functioning woman who chooses to heal and work on really tough things.  

I can list more if you need me to.  The good news is that it is okay if you don't see it right now and can't accept what I said.  You will.  

Isilme said:  

I think we have all been "saved" as someone has been from downing.  I am breathing, but I often have to face a fear of water that others don't fathom.  Much like my migraines don't show, my scars from how I grew up don't really show unless I choose to.  Otherwise, I think I must come off as aloof or strange.

Do you mean you think it would be easier if people could see your wounds?  Or is it something else?