Momentary Truth

[Wicker Man]

Once removed wrote in another thread "... .this tends to be less about lying or bullying and more about an idealistic world view."

This has got me thinking.  In my experience there was quite a lot of what I perceived as lying -however in retrospect I now believe what she told me was her truth in the moment --for the most part.

I just learned through a mutual friend my undiagnosed BPD ex is 'still waiting for me'.  This mutual friend was having a rough patch and so I reached out to her.  The conversation swung over to my ex and our time together.  It was fascinating and heartbreaking.

Apparently my ex feels our time together 'saved her' and '... .even if I never return to her she will never hate me'  Finally '... .I will wait of him forever'. 

This typifies why, in my experience, it is so difficult to maintain and or recover from a relationship with BPD tendencies.  I would bet my last dollar she means every word  --in this moment.  However, this momentary devotion would not and could not keep her from behaviors which would have created continued discord. 

Her continuing to 'wait for me'  is, in my opinion, the same mechanism which would have very likely lead to our further mayhem.  I do not feel this is idealization, but rather polarization.   

I feel so incredibly badly for her.  I cannot imagine how it would feel to be in love with someone and to be compelled to act in a way to endanger the relationship.  To have to look back at the final days are know she put me in a circumstance which compelled me to leave. 

Our mutual friend told her 'I would have left you too if you had treated me in such a manner'.  The friend told her 'You made him feel terror -of course he left.  You made him leave'. 

I know my watch is done.  There is nothing I can do at this point to help her -any effort would be misconstrued and create more harm.

I still can't help, even a year out, the ironic tragedy that is BPD.


Wicker Man

[Insom]

HI, Wicker Man.

I do not feel this is idealization, but rather polarization.

I like the word polarization because it implies an inability to handle emotional complexity or to hold contradictory/complex ideas.  For those of us who've been on the receiving end of idealization/devaluation cycle, this is a helpful nuance. 

I feel so incredibly badly for her.  I cannot imagine how it would feel to be in love with someone and to be compelled to act in a way to endanger the relationship.  To have to look back at the final days are know she put me in a circumstance which compelled me to leave. 

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of care and compassion (perhaps even pity?) for her.  How about you?  How are you doing now that you're one year out of the relationship?

[Wicker Man]

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of care and compassion (perhaps even pity?) for her.  How about you?  How are you doing now that you're one year out of the relationship?

I have never ceased having care and compassion for her.  I knew she was not going to be an easy person from our first meeting -it was my care and compassion which helped her flourish in our time together.  She stopped cutting and the voices she had heard since she was a little girl ceased. 

The pity began once I adopted the supposition she suffers from BPD.  Learning of the disorder helped me understand what transpired in our two year tryst —and has filled me with a deep sadness for her. 

She is a brilliant woman and, I am afraid, knows full well who she pushed away and the proposed life that went away with me. 

A year out I still cannot fully believe she is no longer a part of my existence.  Intellectually I believe, from my understanding of the disorder, our relationship would have very likely fallen into a negative spiral —as I have read so many end game accounts here on BPD family.  However, this is vicarious learning and causes a surprising amount of cognitive dissonance.  E.g. One quits smoking because of the damage 20 years down the road it will have caused  —however day to day it feels quite nice and the I’ll effects are not felt and far away. 

I tried to find the name, but it illudes me.  I think there is a name for a syndrome in which  people Believe they  won the lottery, but were mistaken.  This seems to sum up my experience. 

She seemed to have been what I had been waiting for on a subconscious level my entire life.  I hadn’t realized I was waiting, but when I met her it felt euphoric. 

I brought a lot to the table and she liked the spread. She had a worldview I had never experienced and I was growing as an artist via the exposure.  We seemed to compel each other to become better and grow stronger.  Perhaps she was mirroring, but what she was mirroring made her family ecstatic and me along with them.  Being with her made me lust for my own excellence.  I had always worked hard on myself physically, mentally and in my way spiritually. -but this went into overdrive with her in my life. 

I am continuing to put the experience into perspective and learn to appreciate ‘normal’ life -but it has been a challenge. 

I had always been satisfied with my life, appreciative and thankful.  Further, I had always considered myself blessed and fortunate.  Now in the aftermath of having lived in such lovely delusion it has become difficult to find my now seemingly long lost sense of peace. 

I continue in therapy and continue to rebuild my marriage -but I am still haunted by my perceived loss. 

It was a relief to have the opportunity to have a long discussion with our mutual friend.  I had the chance to explain my thoughts on our relationship and the possibility of my ex needing therapy.  I know it is unlikely she will get the help I believe she needs -but this was the best I could do for her.  It was a message I had no way to deliver without doing her the further harm of opening contact. 

It was painful to learn she has had my surname tattooed onto her hand. 

If I had read about such tragedy in a book before becoming aware of BPD it would have struck me as far fetched and ridiculous. 

Our friend asked if I wished I had never met my ex —I answered ‘unequivocally yes’.  The pervasive and relentless loss of innocence on my part has shaken my worldview and crept into every corner of my life.  I have liked my experience to what I imagine recovering from drug addiction must be like. 

She was an extension of my work, as we had met at work.  We were initially attracted by mutual admiration for each other’s abilities.  She was the best SFX makeup person I had ever seen.  It was a job which made her nightmares an asset. She could take a night terror and share it with the world. 

Now for the first time in my life I am wondering about a new career -the joy has gone out of what had been my life’s passion. 

— This seems to be my momentary truth.  I plan to hold tight and make a careful decision, but it is an odd feeling.  I decided to do what I do when I was an 8 year old boy.  Perhaps not the best age to make career choices... .ha!

[once removed]

Once removed wrote in another thread "... .this tends to be less about lying or bullying and more about an idealistic world view."

This has got me thinking.  In my experience there was quite a lot of what I perceived as lying -however in retrospect I now believe what she told me was her truth in the moment --for the most part.

i dont mean to imply that people with BPD traits dont lie (or bully). like any of us, they do (and if you are dealing with a person with BPD traits, there may be motivations unique/heightened with those traits). but more than anything, they exaggerate.

if you look at bowens family systems theory (we mate with our emotional equals, and "emotional equal" means people of a similar level of differentiation), neither party starts off from a place of great personal differentiation. for the party with BPD traits, there are strong fantasies of being rescued, and merging with another. for many of us, we may have some of that going on, or similar (we may have fantasies of doing the rescuing, and pity can be one form that it takes).

as is, i think, pretty evident, a lot of us had a powerful reaction to the idealization. for the most part, we had an equal or opposite reaction to the withdrawl of that idealization, or the "devaluation"/disrespect. either spoke deeply to our self worth, our attachment style. we over invested in one or the other or both. im generalizing, and there are other scenarios/factors at play, but this one tends to be true for a lot of us in one form or another.

[Lucky Jim]

Our mutual friend told her 'I would have left you too if you had treated me in such a manner'.  The friend told her 'You made him feel terror -of course he left.  You made him leave'. 

Hey WM, The paradoxical thing about BPD is that those with the disorder behave in ways that bring about the result they seek to avoid.  For example, they fear abandonment, but will drive you away.  They seek love, but don't treat you in loving fashion.  And on and on.  It's all part of BPD, which in my view is why you're lucky to have moved on.

LJ

[MeandThee29]

Hey WM, The paradoxical thing about BPD is that those with the disorder behave in ways that bring about the result they seek to avoid.  For example, they fear abandonment, but will drive you away.  They seek love, but don't treat you in loving fashion. 

Mind blowing, isn't it? The paradox is so troubling. Mine talked about divorce for years and would talk about how I was going to drive him to find another woman. He's say that I deserved to die alone and that God would kill me in a car accident one day. And then he'd expect me to be thrilled to be around him as if we were an ordinary couple. At times we were an ordinary couple, but the contempt wore me down. The only reasonable response was to withdraw emotionally because he never grasped how destructive that was. I would point out how it sucked me dry, and he'd say that he had to go extremes to get my attention focused on his needs. Early in counselling after he left, the counsellor asked me to write on a piece of paper what my good qualities were. And I seriously couldn't come up with anything. That's how bad it was.

Better days though. I went to my support group Tuesday, and a friend there commented that my face has changed significantly from when I started. She said that now I look genuinely happy when I come in. I have hope that I'll get through this.

[Wicker Man]

I don't mean to imply that people with BPD traits dont lie (or bully). like any of us, they do... .

In my experience she lied to protect her self image and my image of her.  During our time together she had two or three dalliances when she was feeling insecure about our relationship -these always occurred when I was out of country, which I believe stoked her fear of abandonment.  

When I would try to talk these things through she had tried to spin a web of lies.  It is my belief she felt deep shame and was trying to protect herself and us.  For better or worse what I lack in raw processing power I make up for in memory -it makes me difficult to lie to and God lover her -she was horrible at lying.  If it hadn't been such a tragic circumstance her attempts would have been comical.  

... .if you look at bowens family systems theory (we mate with our emotional equals, and "emotional equal" means people of a similar level of differentiation), neither party starts off from a place of great personal differentiation. for the party with BPD traits, there are strong fantasies of being rescued, and merging with another.

From my readings and anecdotal experience (sample size of one) it is my understanding someone suffering from BPD has no agenda.  They see love with a capital 'L' and are completely swept away.  I do not believe Dream Come True was looking to be rescued.  When we met she had been dating a rich kid (he gave her a 7 figure apartment and a car) and she was still mirroring being wealthy -completely above the fray.  

When our relationship began she chopped the rich kid off at the knees. She said when we met (her momentary truth) it was love at first sight.  'Everyone around you looked grey and there was an inner light emanating from you'.  To be honest I really believe this may have been what she experienced --love verging on psychosis.  

The mirroring and idealization may have been symptoms of this all consuming wave of love she appeared to experience. I stand by this supposition as she did suffer from auditory and visual hallucinations when stressed -so perhaps she literally saw an aura around me when we met.  ***In full disclosure, and as a point of fact, I am not photoluminescent... . 

I did speak with her about the abject cruelty she showed her ex boyfriend and it was a concern even from the beginning.  I logged it as a data point, but took her at her word that he had not been nice to her.  There is quite a bit of plausible deniability here -rich guys in China by and large (as a gross generalization) do not tend to treat girlfriends particularly well.  The girlfriend is sometimes seen as more of a purchase than a friend.

... we may have fantasies of doing the rescuing, and pity can be one form that it takes... .

In my case I certainly wanted to create a safe place for her.  She had been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia and a stable relationship can be very curative.  Rescue was not my prime objective and I had not hoped to bind her into a co-dependent relationship.  I am a parentified child and a people pleaser... .up to a point.  Until the moment I feel someone is dangerous to me in an interpersonal relationship, romantic or otherwise, I will move Heaven and Earth for them.  Once they cross the line I remove them from my life this has been my modus operandi since I was a young boy.

She got one 'by' in our relationship -in other words one action so horrendous I should have left her.  They two times I lost my control emotionally: The first time being she cheated on a grand scale and ghosted me.  I was so completely blind sided I fell into an anxious attachment modality for the first time in my life... .I didn't like it and shall not do it again.  

The second time I felt my emotions fly out of control was the final straw of her breaking up with me at the very end of our relationship.  I felt terror (another thing I hope to avoid in the future) and agreed to end the relationship.  

In retrospect I understand she was raging and broke up because she was under incredible pressure from her mother and the neighbors in their compound to purchase a house immediately.  She dysregulated raging for 7 days with the crescendo of breaking up.  It is ironic (by ironic I mean tragic) the very person who likely, through abuse, created her BPD drove her to dysregulate ending her engagement with me.

... a lot of us had a powerful reaction to the idealization.

It had been a very long time since I had been in a new relationship, but our beginning didn't feel that much different that good old fashioned limerence.  We wanted to be in constant contact and everything was new and wonderful.  Perhaps part of my observation is colored by the cultural component and a hint of 'lost in translation'. When she said 'I have never known anyone like you' -I figured that is very likely true.  Culturally I was completely unique.  I treat women well by Western standards and as another gross generalization Chinese culture is hard on women.  

For instance she asked 'Do you always hold doors open for women?'  I said 'Of course... .I don't know what is in there and I have to find out if it is safe for me to enter... . Thus ladies first... .'  She said I was an idiot and I agreed.

When we went shopping I carried her purse... . She said other boyfriends would not do that... .I said 'As a 6'5" bald man with a beard I am at little risk of being mistaken for a woman... .Give me your purse... .'

... ."devaluation"/disrespect. either spoke deeply to our self worth, our attachment style... .

I guess I was lucky.  The tiny hint of disrespect I felt from her now and again I fired back with self deprecating humor and simply and lightly pointed out the absurdity of her comments.  I.e. She said I was an idiot -I told her 'You have barely scratched the surface and has no idea how dumb I really am... . Stick around it gets worse'.  I knew in my heart when she lashed out it was displaced frustration and it would pass.  

I mentioned this in a previous post -but once while raging I told her it was ok.  I told her 'Emotions are part of you.  Happy, sad, angry are all you and I love all of you'.  She sat down and said 'Damn it I am not angry any more'.  I told her 'Not to worry --I am incredibly annoying and you will be angry again before you know it'... .

Now -if the balance of power in the relationship had swung over to her side as completely as it would have if we married... .I.e. marriage in China where she would have had the sword of damocles (my visa) I can see where the wheels could have flown off.  We were on equal footing throughout the 'dating' process and it gave me room to maneuver.

I was significantly older than she and simply would not take her shenanigans to heart -I was always kind and listened to her but knew in my heart when she raged she was fearful -so once she calmed down and was no longer in diffuse physiological arousal (fight, flight, freeze) I would talk to her about her concerns.  Throughout the two years I never raised my voice with her.

Once again -this would very likely have stopped working if she had ultimate power over the relationship (visa, house etc)  [Foreigners can, for the most part, not own a home there -I would have literally given her a house to which I would have had no legal right]

When I look back at the experience I put up with too much, but this came from the belief Amor Vincit Omnia -and when was the last time latin did anyone any good?

Do I have pity for her?  You are damn right I do.  She lives in a terrifying world created seen through the lens of BPD.  She knows full well she drove me away, and yet she had no control over her emotional state when she broke us.  That is tragedy, in my opinion, on a grand scale.  

I cannot imagine what it must feel like to know something is wrong and still feel an irresistible compulsion do act out.  I am guessing when she cheated on us it was such a compulsion -fear drove her to needing momentary release.  After deviant behavior came crushing shame dysphoria and cutting -she knew she was hurting us, but could not ever escape her momentary truths.

One week into no contact she ended up non-responsive in the hospital.  Once again -yes... .I have extreme pity for her.  However, I cannot risk my life to save her.  I did my best, but my watch is over.

This being said I do not have to be happy about knowing there is a lovely sensitive woman who is her own worst enemy with my surname tattooed on her hand.  I think if this didn't bother me I would be a monster.  

For those keeping score... .Yes... .'Monster' was her nickname for me.

Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

... .which in my view is why you're lucky to have moved on.

You, of course, are absolutely right.  Statistically speaking if we had married it would have likely ended very badly for me... .  It would have been incredibly difficult to have found DBT for her.  Further I was unaware of BPD until weeks after our end.  I stumbled across a reference to self mutilation and BPD in a text I was reading and learned of this disorder completely by accident -until then I still believed she was schizophrenic / bi-polar. A spurious diagnosis she received from a medieval Chinese psychologist... .

If I had continued on my path it would have likely ended in my financial ruination, international courts, the baby we were planning to have crying in my arms and her grand parents asking me where she went, then deportation and career devastation.  Put simply epic, colossal, and irreversible life changing mayhem.

In my mind I know I did the right thing.  Knowing she is still waiting for me a year out is sad and ironic proof of her dysfunction. 

The lovely part of our BPD ex lovers leave a big hole though.  I think the highs feel even higher in such a relationship because we have the lows to compare them to.  High and low, heaven and hell. 

Thank you for your words Jim.


Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

Mind blowing, isn't it? The paradox is so troubling. Mine talked about divorce for years and would talk about how I was going to drive him to find another woman.

BPD is such a diabolically tragic and ironic disorder. When it was likely fear you would leave which was compelling your husband to say such horrible things.  Paradoxal, cruel and relentless.  People who crave love so deeply fear makes them push us away.  ugh... .

I would point out how it sucked me dry, and he'd say that he had to go extremes to get my attention focused on his needs.

Right!  If only they could just say 'I am hurting... .can we talk?'  or 'I am scared, can I have a hug?'... .Not in their wheelhouse.  

I was trying to explain the dynamic to a friend.  I said imagine falling in love with someone who is literally on fire.  They run around in a panic trying to get the flames to subside, but their running simply fans the flames until they are engulfed.  Being in so much pain they can't stop acting out of panic.  We try to love them and give them relief from their pain and ultimately we fall into the conflagration.  

Early in counselling after he left, the counsellor asked me to write on a piece of paper what my good qualities were. And I seriously couldn't come up with anything. That's how bad it was.

I am so sorry you went through such a horrible experience.  In a small way I understand though.  We really loved these people and when one's heart is open for love our heart is also vulnerable to be hurt on a grand scale.  

She said that now I look genuinely happy when I come in. I have hope that I'll get through this.

I am so glad you are having success in putting your life back together.  It is a herculean effort taking time and a whole lot of work.  You should take a moment now and again and congratulate yourself.  It is easy to get lost in the process and not acknowledge how far you have come.

I look back and my journal and read entries from a year ago and it is remarkable to see where I am now as compared to then.  I still have a lot of work ahead of me - I have had 8 intimate relationships in my life and this is the only one which left such battle scars.  I had tried my best in all of them and when they ended I grieved and moved on -this one on the other hand... .

I am still talking about it a year on.  Not much sadness these days, but I still miss her.

I marvel at the cognitive dissonance created by falling in love with a borderline.

Thank you for your insight.

Wicker Man

[once removed]

From my readings and anecdotal experience (sample size of one) it is my understanding someone suffering from BPD has no agenda.

not to get all philosophical on ya WM, but when it comes to love, dont we all?

in terms of understanding and breaking down "what happened", i think it helps to look at what theirs was (in a balanced way), ours (in a balanced way), and where the two clashed in spite of both parties best intentions.

there are both generalized BPD psychopathology and common BPD/non scenarios that can help inform all of that, but for the most part, the dynamics between the two parties are unique.

The first time being she cheated on a grand scale and ghosted me.  I was so completely blind sided I fell into an anxious attachment modality for the first time in my life... .I didn't like it and shall not do it again. 

can you elaborate on this? what happened? how did you respond?

I mentioned this in a previous post -but once while raging I told her it was ok.  I told her 'Emotions are part of you.  Happy, sad, angry are all you and I love all of you'.  She sat down and said 'Damn it I am not angry any more'.  I told her 'Not to worry --I am incredibly annoying and you will be angry again before you know it'... .

clever, as well as smooth. in my experience there was little more satisfying than taking the  out of my partners anger, and getting her to laugh.

[JNChell]

Wicker Man, this is a pretty powerful topic with me. Through all of the idealization/devaluing cycles, recycles and discards that I went through with S3’s mother, I still find myself ruminating at times. It’s been just over a year since our final split.

What sticks out to me is that you’ve been made aware that the door is still open for you. Your initial post has made me think about what I would do if S3’s mom eventually wanted to reconcile. Like you, as strong as the pull is, I wouldn’t go back. I can see what it looks like. It would be so momentary. The pain that would result from the fallout would be overwhelming. It took time and a lot of work to move on to where I currently am, and I still have a long way to go in my journey. I wouldn’t be able to allow myself to compromise my path forward on the gamble of her coming to some realization that would likely be a dysregulation. A fear reaction.

Your posts are always thought provoking. This one really stuck out to me. Thanks for sharing.

[Wicker Man]

... .when it comes to love, don't we all [fall in love with a capital 'L'];?

Yes, of course, love in intoxicating, love is blind and love as Shakespear would warn us
"What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.'

However, from my experience my BPD ex's love for me was immediate and consuming.  It was binary.  She told me she loved me very early on, I was her first love, she wanted for the first time in her life to consider marriage, to live a long life and have my baby.  This was quickly followed by her viciously breaking up with her boyfriend.  Ala she texted me while at dinner breaking things off with him 'I told him I love you'.  Ok... .as a humorous side note I wrote her back... .Did you mean 'him you or me you?'  As I said I thought this behavior was worrisome, logged the data point -but let it go.  The him or me thing struck me as incredible funny... .

'Pronoun trouble'... .To quote Daffy Duck.   "Daffy: Shoot him now! Shoot him! Bugs: You keep out of this! He doesn't have to shoot you now! Daffy: He does so have to shoot me now!"  (From Rabbit Season)  ahhh the classics... .

in terms of understanding and breaking down "what happened", i think it helps to look at what theirs was (in a balanced way), ours (in a balanced way), and where the two clashed in spite of both parties best intentions.

I have spent far too many hours analyzing and ruminating.  Here is where I have profound pity for her, as I am sure she has done the same rumination.  At the risk of sounding arrogant I was a dream date throughout our time together.  The pressure on her was a factor of our relationship beginning as an affair.  I told her my marital status and my age (It is common for the Chinese to have a terrible time gauging occidental age) literally within the first 5 minutes of our first private conversation -Ironically she later told me this was when she knew I was 'the one' [Yep... .dialogue is not culture or language specific for this disorder -it was eye opening to read 'White Knight', 'The one' etc here on BPD Family as common things said in BPD relationships when my experience was in China and largely in Chinese].

When I believed I was in love with her I told her I would file for divorce and come to China to be with her.  I never missed a date on the timeline I laid out --everything I had promised her was done in a timely fashion.  

She on the other hand very quickly began raging falling into the quagmire of 'retroactive jealousy' ironically not about my wife but about another woman from my distant past.  

My wife had suffered from retroactive jealousy when we had first began dating decades ago, so it was familiar to me and from my readings retroactive jealously is as painful for the person suffering from it as an actual betrayal would have been.  So Dream Come True's initial 'devaluation raging' was something I saw as a temporary phenomenon brought on my the retroactive jealousy and something which could be over come through learning trust.  (dumbass... .)

can you elaborate on this [a week she spent with another man and ghosted me]? what happened? how did you respond?

I was to file for divorce on May 1st.  Late April she was on a movie and I was texting her about our future --finances and how to arrange our living situation.  It was complicated as we needed a home in her home town, an apartment here in the US and one in Beijing.  There were details from my divorce financially I had to discuss with her.  We were forming a partnership and all of these decisions in my opinion need to be approached as a partnership.

I believe somehow this caused her undue stress --she never did handle stress well.  The next day she got stumbling drunk and went to dinner with a movie producer who had lightly assaulted her in the past ( #metoo with Chinese characteristics... . Like socialism with Chinese characteristics... .I.e. brutal), we had agreed she would avoid this man and never drink to excess in his presence.  The man is a predator and his MO is to get young women who work with him drunk and help them to his room.

I found this man upsetting -in fact I warned her if he rapes you I will cut him and watch him bleed out, which would end in my execution in a Chinese prison... .So take care around him, perhaps for his own good.

When she texted me drunk from that dinner with the producer I implored her to leave the dinner immediately.    

The next day I reminded her of her promise to not spend time with this man -I wasn't easy on her.  I told her her family and I need her to be safe and take care of herself.  I knew two women living with the fallout of rape and wanted to spare her and her family the devastation.

In hindsight I believe her actions and me calling her on them caused her to feel deep shame.  This shame, in my opinion, drove her into the arms of a young actor on the movie and she cut off all communication with me.  

Keep in mind this is T -8 days before I am to inform my wife I am leaving and begin the divorce process.  Asking for divorce is a grizzly experience and one which is emotionally devastating for both parties -avoid it if you can... .

During our time of no contact I had to decide what I was going to do -do I keep my word and follow through with the divorce, or break my word to her and risk 'being like all the other men'.  The clock was running down and I decided to not betray my love for her and keep to my timeline.

The suddenness of her going from the love of my life to no contact whatsoever was devastating, confusing, and caused me enormous cognitive dissonance.  Compound this with my impending divorce I was not at my best.  The pressure was palpable.  Instead of stopping, finding inner peace and realizing something was tragically wrong with our relationship I fell into anxious attachment and 'chased' her.  

Once she opened contact again I told her I had filed she fell into another shame cycle and had a week of sever auditor and visual hallucinations -the worst in our 2 year tenure.  

Believe me Once Removed I say this slowly and carefully.  I honestly do not believe I could have done anything differently or 'better' in our time together.  All of the strife, destruction, and devastation were of her creation.  We loved each other, but she was incapable of self soothing while I was away.  Her coping mechanisms were not healthy.  

My mistakes where: 1 having an affair in the first place.  2 Believing love can cure all ills.  3 Wanting too much to believe in fairytale love. 4. Allowing myself to be completely blinded by the idea of having a baby.

Dream Come True made a lot of progress while we were together, but as others have said here my curative effect would have likely been temporary and the mayhem would have likely continued.  I was, simply put, ignorant to the extent of her disorder.  Our love for each other likely would not and could not have been enough to allow us to form a life long healthy relationship.

Amongst other reasons I feel I must stay no contact because closure for her would only mean further devastation.  What responsibly can I take for our demise?  I never raised my voice, I never fired for effect when she was yelling at me.  I never called her a bad name.  I never broke a promise.  When she was hurting I listened, when she was happy I was happy for her.  I accepted her, the good the bad and the ugly and showed her what I believe love should be.

Even in the end when she broke up with me -The final break up was technically the 3rd time (first one was rather silly and came only a month into our time together I said 'If that is what you want... .Ok I will miss you' and she called back in an hour).  But... .I had warned her... .We will only break up one more time and it will be for good.  Breaking up is not a negotiating tool, a threat or a bid for power.  Breaking up will be quick, painful, and eternal.

In the end, although I do not feel I was an architect of this disaster, we both lost.  There can be no single winner in a relationship -either both parties win, or they both lose --we both lost.  Ultimately... .I felt I had to vote with my feet.

Wicker Man

[Wicker Man]

Your initial post has made me think about what I would do if S3’s mom eventually wanted to reconcile. Like you, as strong as the pull is, I wouldn’t go back. I can see what it looks like. It would be so momentary.

The idea of Momentary Truth is how I have tried to explain to myself Dream Come True's actions.  Early on in my time here I wrote she loved and hated me with the same passion -she meant both with every fiber of her being.  In the moment both were true to her.  

When she drank to excess she could literally forget about us -She actually agreed with my observations on this point.  Which I thought was a huge breakthrough!  She agreed to stop drinking and did!  Now in retrospect it must have been a herculean effort for her to accept this much responsibility.  I did not push her on details of what happened during her drinking, but we both knew the implications of her admission.  We were dry for the last 8 months we were together.

I know when she broke us her rage was momentarily true and all consuming.  

Her momentary truth now is she drove away 'the love her her life', 'the one', 'the white knight', and the man she wanted to father her child. For her, I believe, this is as true as the Sun rising in the East, but I do not believe this truth would likely last long enough to see the Sun set in the West. I.e. happy ending to the story.

Once this truth passes another truth will become equally as unequivocal and the old truth will be no more. To be completely frank, I am not sure I completely believe she is truly waiting for me.  It may just be a momentary truth she told our mutual friend.  Tragic either way.  Plenty of tragedy to go around in relationships such as ours had been.

I will, I am afraid, on some level always miss the beautiful part of her.  I will miss the fantasy I had of the woman I loved flourishing, feeling safe and secure.  The warmth of 3 generations living together and a life extraordinary.  

What has made recovery from this relationship difficult is the differential between what she expressed verbally and the disparate reality of her actions.  In my rumination it occurred to me she rarely did anything I asked of her -which was strange as I am not a particularly demanding person.  

She was by her own admission incredibly lazy when not working.  E.g. I was working 16 hours a day (7 days a week) and she could not always make the walk 2 blocks to by yogurt for our breakfast.  I would often come back from my work to find her still in a nightgown having not left the room.

However, strangely when I was in her presence I felt completely at peace -in fact my resting heart rate would drop my 10 beats a minute.  I miss that odd feeling of being absolutely in the right place and doing the right thing for myself when we were together.  

I had never experienced feeling so completely at ease with another human being.  It wasn't the sex, we didn't even have to talk.  Somehow her presence was supremely calming to me.  

My fear, and what made me ultimately agree to our break up --was the belief this calm would have likely changed over time and the wrath I felt when I was abroad would have likely began to manifest itself in our home.  Until the one day she disappeared without a word and without a trace leaving me financially ruined, a baby in my arms, her grandparents asking me what happened, and a visa quickly expiring leaving me homeless.  To continue with her would have been putting life as I know it in peril -there would have been no graceful recovery from this experiment in the madness of love.

I went back to a marriage badly in need of reconciliatory attention having had and disclosed an affair and Dream Come True goes back to being 'Young and beautiful' (she texted me from a bar at 3:30 in the morning on an evening we were to have met 'Remember I am young and beautiful').  Both of us experienced something which will leave lasting scars and will make finding future contentment far more difficult -an impossible dream.

Learning about BPD has not really helped me much.  Knowing I saved myself and likely did the right thing for my own wellbeing has been tempered by having some understanding of the deepest and darkest hell in which she resides --yet more cognitive dissonance.  

She destroys what she needs the most... . The frog and the scorpion.  The frog, fearing death, hopped away and the scorpion stings itself without mercy.


Wicker Man