Overcoming an unhealthy relationship

[NeedGuidance]

My girlfriend and I recently broke up due to her BPD traits. She was diagnosed bipolar, but when I stumbled onto BPD articles her behavior patterns definitely fit. I stayed with her for 2 years and loved her deeply. I just couldn’t take the stress, resentment and conflict anymore.

We had a very intense relationship. Based on most of the BPD articles and forum conversations I read about this disorder, our relationship was par for the course. I won’t get into every incident or detail because that wouldn’t be productive. I just want to say that I am hurting immensely evem though I know it was the right decision to end the relationship.

She was very short tempered and verbally/emotionally abusive. She had a rough childhood and I and probably went overboard with the rescue the “damsel in distress” mentality. I got myself sucked into the relationship 100% to where it consumed me. I was always thinking about her and why this or that happened, why she said something rude to me or why did she overreact like that. When I kept noticing behaviors that were obviously off I did some research and came across BPD. It fits to a T.

I will end my story with knowing I made the right decision to end things, but I still feel terrible. I miss aspects of our relationship and aspects of her. Things weren’t bad all the time, but when they were bad things were HORRIBLE. I am now going to counseling to work past the issues in this relationship.

My question for anyone who wants to reply is how do I get passed all of the things she said or did when she was angry? Things that happened in this relationship damaged my self esteem, psyche and property. Yet I still miss things about her and wanted it to work out. I know for me to have a normal life she wasn’t the person I should have hitched my wagon to though.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site.  I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  As you can see when you look around, you are not alone.  The good news is that things can and do get better.  It takes a while.  2 years is a long time.

My question for anyone who wants to reply is how do I get passed all of the things she said or did when she was angry? Things that happened in this relationship damaged my self esteem, psyche and property.

Well, other than time, talking about what happened here and in therapy, what helped me the most was to know that when my pwBPD (person with BPD) was raging and saying horrible things, they could not really even see me through their own emotions.  They were just too dysregulated and were projecting all their negative feelings on me.  It was more about them than me.

Does that make sense?

[NeedGuidance]

Yes it makes sense. People with BPD have a very uncanny ability to fully suck a person in. There were so many red flags and signs that I overlooked throughout my time with her. I was insanely attracted to her as if a spell was cast over me.

Knowing that she was mentally ill allows me to have a little bit of solace. With that said, she acted so horrendously at times that I have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. How could a person who claimed to love me so much say and do the things she did towards me?

[Harri]

You ask a great question but unfortunately I do not have an answer for you.  I think as you continue to read here and participate in other threads you will be able to answer the question yourself.  That is the benefit of posting in other peoples threads... .relating and connecting and seeing others in similar situations not only helps us feel better but we can get some insight into our own situations.

I know it is a struggle though and I am sorry for that.  You are not alone.

[once removed]

hi NeedGuidance, i want to join Harri in saying

my ex was diagnosed with bipolar as well. in fact, it was misabbreviating bipolar disorder as "BPD" that led me to discovering the disorder.

How could a person who claimed to love me so much say and do the things she did towards me?

its a question i struggled with often. what sorts of things did she say and do?

[NeedGuidance]

I was called so many terrible things:

P***y, loser, bipolar, prick, fa**ot etc. I have forgotten many others.

She said she hated me multiple times

She had the most explosive tantrums I have ever seen and then would come back to apologize and say she would never do it again. Yet she did it again and again and again.

She dogged my job on several occasions:

I didn’t make enough money
We would always be broke
I cannot support a woman
We will never have a house, family etc.
We will never be able to travel

She hit me a few times and gave me a bloody nose once

She keyed my car when we broke up and said she was going to come back and do it again and more

She threw some of my things and broke them

She threatened to o.d. on her medication a few times in order to freak me so I would rush home to rescue her. She actually took too much of her medication on purpose on one occasion then disappeared for several hours. When she came back her eyes were glossed over and she was clearly disoriented.

She accused me of cheating about 100 times. The first couple of times she said it I would say things like, “babe I would never cheat on you because I have never cheated on anyone”. Then after being falsely accused of cheating so many times my patience with that juvenile crap ran out and I got defensive and pissed.

She threatened to sue me several times

She was the most vindictive and manipulative person I have ever met.

[NeedGuidance]

Initially I wasn’t going to get into details, but since you asked and I replied there are so many incidents that are flooding my mind.

One of her classic tactics was to tell me I focus on the past too much when I had a grievance with her behavior. She would say she hasn’t done that in awhile when she did it an hour prior! The nerve of her to totally dismiss and deflect what bothered me.

Her apologies were empty now that I think about it. They felt scripted as if she was a bad actor reading lines. The look in her eyes was just cold and blank when apologizing. Hard to explain, but I witnessed it many times.

She would write some of the most thoughtful and loving cards after we got into an argument. They reeled me back in everytime and the cycle repeated.

She would go on texting rampages while I was on the train going to work or actually at work. Things like cussing me out and making threats and just behaving like a lunatic.

My family was uncomfortable around her the few times she met them.

She was very assertive and aggressive and demanding

In her mind she contributed more to the relationship than I ever did and she made damn sure to hammer that opinion home often.

If we got into an argument at night she would sometimes disappear and not come back for hours. I know it’s healthy to take a breather if tempers flare, but taking off between 11pm-3am is not exactly normal. (I don’t believe she ever cheated on me because she despised cheaters)

She was uber impulsive to the point I would get major anxiety. She would go on spending sprees, make plans to travel internationally without the means to actually do it.

She impulsively picked up and moved to my home state 3 months before I did when I mentioned to her that I was missing home and wanted to return.

She completely blew through her $10,000 emergency fund by buying useless crap for herself. When I asked her why she would do that, her reply was:
I didn’t want to have more money than you and use it as a form of superiority over you anymore. She then added that she wanted me to know she now needed me to be her man.

I planned a nice weekend for us by using a Groupon deal and she proceeded to lecture me on making her feel cheap and that I didn’t value her as my woman.

She also did a similar thing one time when we were in Costco looking at rings. She pointed out 3 rings that she liked. One was 6k, one was $3500 and the last one was $1950. She actually liked the cheapest one the best and when I said that’s reasonable she flipped out and said I didn’t value her and I only loved her 50% off and I was cheap and on and on. A total bait and switch.

When we moved into our new studio we had to share the closet. She pitched a MASSIVE hissy fit because I needed half of the closet space. She proceeded to take almost all of her clothes out and throw them at me while saying she has never met a man that needed half a closet. Oh I should add that she wasn’t talking, she was YELLING so loud our neighbors could hear her.

[Getoverit]

Hi NeedGuidance,

It breaks my heart to read you posts form today. As another member has already mentioned, you will find many members sharing eerily similar behavior; so much to the point where there are countless number of times I've read posts and wondered if a member and I had been with the same individual.

You mentioned you two are broken up now. Are you in contact at all?

I ask because one of recommended forms if not ONLY ways to begin recovery is to exercise no contact.

[Cromwell]

Hi and Welcome NeedGuidance

One way that helped was to identify the incongruence in the insults that were then cycled with idolised praise.

One day I could be the devil incarnate in her eyes

The next I was the best person she had ever met

Can you relate at all?

In short, it is difficult to take it seriously, as it lacked substance and consistency.

I know that I tried my best in the relationship and another inconsistency creeps in; the thought of... .

"well, if im all these terrible, incompetent traits - why dont you just f off then?

I never expressed this, the reason why not is another topic, but I think the point is a valid one.

For everything that was so "wrong" about me, she never wanted to let go. (of control, not love)

My advice to limit this blow to self esteem is to perhaps try and identify statements that dont match up. If they are polarised - then it doesnt make much sense. How can you be amazing one day and scum the next? It is by definition; nonsense and IMO, thats as much credit as I give to any of it looking back.

Lastly there is the concept of "projection" which is another avenue of insight into all of it.

My self esteem wasnt very robust at the time I met her in any case, which just aggravated the way that I felt when she acted out.

You say that the relationship went well but when it turned bad it was horrible - just another dyanmic to add to the mix - the shock value of it all. My ex was sweet, caring, tender and in hindsight (over) loving at the start of the relationship. 3 months in and I was trauamatised at how she seemed to change overnight into a woman that I couldnt recognise and had no pre-warning of why, everything had felt normal.

It has been a lot to make sense of, made difficult by the complexity of this condition. I hope in time and guidance with your counsellor you find the upset caused diminishes and take less of it to heart as you may have done so at that raw moment in time.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Need Guidance,

I read your thread and wonder if there have been any developments since you last posted? How are you doing?

Love and light x

[NeedGuidance]

We broke up almost a month ago. I haven’t heard from her in a week. She emailed me about 15 times since I blocked her on every other channel. Some of the things she emailed to me were:

- I’m sorry and I love you
- I miss you
- She said she hoped I would come to a block party so we could hug and make amends.
- After that comment she said we could go to an alley and have sex
- Then she flip flopped and started with the manipulative stuff
- Things like she feels used
- I stranded her
- She is broke and will have to move out of her apartment

(Money has ALWAYS BEEN a huge issue in our relationship. She dogged me for not making enough, she attempted to guilt me into moving in with her by saying she overextended herself because she thought I was moving in to help split everything etc.)

- Then she said that she was quitting her job she has only been at for 3 weeks
- Then she changed her story to she was being let go from her job and would have to live in a storage shed
- Then she told me a guy said she could stay with him if she had sex with him. She later mentioned to me that she might take him up on it.
- Her final email about a week ago said she was sorry for everything and that I was forcing her to move on. She mentioned how much she loves me and will be thinking of me daily. She said she was hurt that she wasn’t enough for me or my family.

The comment that boiled my blood was the one about giving a guy sex to move in with him. To email me that was so disrespectful and manipulative and trashy. She is free to do what she wants to, but it pissed me off that she would use that card as a way to guilt me. She also mentioned somewhere along the way that she might have to work at a strip club to survive.

[NeedGuidance]

  I am still depressed, but my relationship isn’t the only reason for that. I am bored with my job and want to do something different. I am also not sure I made the right decision to move back to my hometown. I’m just not in a great place in my life right now, but I will get through it.

  I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I feel like I have regressed in the past 6 months of being home again. I spent so many years away and those years changed me. I met people from all over and experienced some really cool things. Coming back is boring. One dilemma I have now is my family likes having me back and doesn’t want me to leave again. I don’t know what to do about that.

[NeedGuidance]

I haven’t responded to her emails in awhile. I did reply to a couple in the early stages when she was trying to win me back. I said we need to move on, we need to heal, we tried again and again and we couldn’t make it work. Things like that.

I also sent her some money so I needed to communicate with her about that as well. Besides that, I haven’t reached out or gone by her place or put myself in a situation where I would see her. I made my decision to end it and I’m not changing my mind.

[once removed]

sorry about all the emails, NG. the last one is a pretty low blow.

i know you mentioned you stopped responding, is she still emailing you?

[NeedGuidance]

I stopped responding a week ago and she hasn’t tried to contact me. I think (hope!) that is the end of it. I don’t hate her, I know she doesn’t function like a normal and well adjusted person. We had some good times and she did help me in certain areas of my life:

- she motivated me to elevate my career path
- she is very ambitious and it rubbed off on me some. I’m not hyper ambitious like her and don’t desire to be, but she did help me to get myself in gear
- she helped me with my resume by wording things in ways to make me more attractive to employers
- we had some fun adventures along the way and a few good memories
- she also without realizing it made me aware of the fact that I have a codependent issue to a degree and that I need to change that
- she also made me realize that I should not tolerate that kind of behavior again. No woman is worth that. There were signs and concerns at many points along the way with her, but I kept minimizing them. That is my fault.

I will work on improving myself and elevating my self esteem again. The thing is though a relationship like this is imprinted into your psyche forever. I don’t know exactly how to overcome that part of it.

It’s the same kind of struggle a BPD person has. Most of them had a poor upbringing or traumatic experience or terrible role models as parents that left them in shambles. I am dealing with a similar issue because I met a woman with those experiences and her disorder caused havoc on me. Now I have to figure out how to process it and somehow overcome it. A tall order.

[Cromwell]

I will work on improving myself and elevating my self esteem again. The thing is though a relationship like this is imprinted into your psyche forever. I don’t know exactly how to overcome that part of it.

It no one can undo what happened but the way you feel now is unlikely to be the exact same you will feel forever. with regards to the trauma and imprint on the psyche - I can relate except that the words id use today are along the lines of - she is a memory that has became emotionally sanitised. I just draw on it as experience and a chapter of my life that i finally closed and moved on from. the quicker I moved on, the more emotional distancing took place. Your listing all the advantages, and there are many, in the midst of trauma you have found positives to draw upon.

[once removed]

youre releasing with grace. i think that will take you far in your recovery, and further.

its hard that it came to this, but when youve closed the door gracefully, and she throws what she did at it, its the strong and kinder thing for both of you, for you to walk away.

The thing is though a relationship like this is imprinted into your psyche forever. I don’t know exactly how to overcome that part of it.

in what way? which aspects do you feel are imprinted on your psyche?

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for the update NG.  The emails sound like she was attempting to get a response from you and tried different approaches.  That's very familiar to me from my experience with my dBPDbf.  The talk of self destructive acts really stings.  I'm not surprised you felt angry. 

I am dealing with a similar issue because I met a woman with those experiences and her disorder caused havoc on me. Now I have to figure out how to process it and somehow overcome it. A tall order.

I felt very much the same way about the effects of the r/s on me.  I can tell you that it is a process and one worth taking time over.  What advice is your counsellor giving you?  Your plans to work on self esteem sounds like a great starting point for rebuilding from.    I noticed you are having doubts about working and living in the area you are.  Do you have another line of work/location in mind?  At present you have a counsellor and family support around you.  Does proximity to your ex play into your feelings about where you live?

Love and light x

[NeedGuidance]

My counselor hasn’t really said a whole lot yet because we have only met 3 times and I have vented for most of them. I’m going to let him drive the bus for our next session.

I am looking into another line of work as we speak. As for another place to live, I have lived in 5 states and had good times in all of them, but I have never been satisfied with my career. I need to figure that one out for sure before thinking about moving anywhere else.

[once removed]

My counselor hasn’t really said a whole lot yet because we have only met 3 times and I have vented for most of them. I’m going to let him drive the bus for our next session.

that makes sense. there was an awful lot i needed to get off my chest first, but then i wanted some direction. i hope youll let us know how the next session goes.

[SherlockTheDog]

Your first post is also eerily similar (as mentioned above) to what I’m going through right now.

I don’t have much else to say other than I feel your pain

[NeedGuidance]

UPDATE:

I can’t seem to make heads or tails of what she is doing now. She has been emailing me off and on. Sometimes they are pleasant and other times aggressive with accusations of me screwing her over by getting her to move here and then breaking up with her. I noticed today that there was a blocked voicemail from her on my phone so I listened.

I could hear the pain in her voice, she was crying and saying she misses her best friend “me”. She went on to say that she is aware that we are broken up, but she wanted me to know that she loves me.

Because I still love her and always will it hurts to listen to that. I want to believe she is remorseful, but after all the research I have done on BPD I just don’t know if this is genuine. I want to believe the best in people even though I know there are people out there who don’t have good intentions. I don’t think she is a bad person, just very troubled.

I believe it is genuine on some level, but it could also be her being alone right now and scared about her future and not having me to unload on anymore. 

Thoughts

[NeedGuidance]

This situation really drives a person like me who is highly analytical insane. I chose to end it because I felt it wasn

[NeedGuidance]

Continuation:

I felt the relationship was headed in the wrong direction and made the decision to end it. I’m not willing to try again because we tried so many times I lost count. With that said, I read her emails and listened to that voicemail and my head is filled with all of these why’s, what’s, how’s, wishes, sadness, disgust, anger, resentment, longing etc. You get the point.

No one in my life can relate to my situation. They all think I would be nuts to go back to her after the crazy ride she sent me on. There is something about this woman that I will never be able to put into words. It’s just a feeling, an intensely strong connection at the soul level. I know it was unhealthy and I know we aren’t getting back together, but my heart and soul wishes it would have gone differently.

[once removed]

hi NG,

youre probably right. likely, she is genuine. the question is probably more about ability to follow through, than sincerity.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

have you considered filtering her email to a folder you cant/wont read, or the trash, or perhaps having a trusted friend read it, and only relaying it to you if theres some urgent info you need to know?

its hard to detach with all of this present.

[Wickit]

... .and my head is filled with all of these why’s, what’s, how’s, wishes, sadness, disgust, anger, resentment, longing etc. You get the point.

No one in my life can relate to my situation. They all think I would be nuts to go back to her after the crazy ride she sent me on. There is something about this woman that I will never be able to put into words. It’s just a feeling, an intensely strong connection at the soul level. I know it was unhealthy and I know we aren’t getting back together, but my heart and soul wishes it would have gone differently.

It's like you're putting my thoughts into words since I'm experiencing exactly te same. It's so damn confusing!

[wendydarling]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.