Hello, I'm very excited to be here, frustrated by my situation

[Copycat2018]

Hello All,

I am new and very excited to be here.
I have not read the very promising postings of the site so my homework has not been done.

I wonder how much i need to read of the site postings and watch videos posted here before i can post something more.

I am frustrated in my situation and want to help my relationship.

I will do some reading soon,
And return!

Thank you for having me,

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Copycat2018, and

we are excited to have you! you dont need to have read the site postings or watched videos in order to post more, or to post in the threads of others. i hope youll make yourself at home as part of the family.

reading and watching will certainly help you in your circumstances, though. ive been absorbing the wealth of knowledge here for years now, and the cool thing is, you can use it on anyone!

tell us more. whats got you frustrated?

[wendydarling]

Hi Copycat2018  

I join once removed in welcoming you here to family, I'm glad and excited you've join us.  

As once removed says, let's get the conversation going, what's happening in your life that's frustrating you?

WDx

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
I almost feel like i am betraying my spouse by doing this.
It is strange to write into this space, since i do not know anybody.
However it can be hard when he gets angry all of a sudden for no good reason and attacks me with harsh words and at times actions of throwing things and breaking them. I am not used to this behavior. my father was depressed and angry and controlling but did not break things.
We have been together for more then a decade but still i feel no security in the relationship. This has to do with me as well, not just him. I consider him and his behavior a challenge that i need to deal with. Yes, it demands that i try to grow parts of me that are very underdeveloped. It also asks for reviewing my own actions. I am far from perfect you know!
In fact there is a reason we are together and i decided to explore that. It scares me and i do not quite know how or where to start. For me it starts with he and i together married and responsible for one another. We seem to have reached a gridlock and i do not know what to do next.
Any suggestions?

[once removed]

Hello,
I almost feel like i am betraying my spouse by doing this.

i can understand that feeling.

the reason we are anonymous here is so that we can share the hard stuff, without judgment, that we wouldnt be able to share with others in our lives. Bettering is a constructive, solutions oriented board, and while we are here to support you, we arent here to judge your partner.

harsh words from someone you love hurt, and confuse. i struggled with that as well. when you say all of a sudden, you might be describing a dysregulated state. people with BPD traits struggle with regulating their emotions, and this manifests as inappropriate, disproportionate anger.

at what point in your marriage did this start to happen?

[Copycat2018]

When in our relationship did the tantrums start to manifest?
Not immediately. When we were going out he told me once that he might not talk to me for a week or two at times. That he might have to go incommunicado. But that did not happen.
After we got married we lived together and i taught him that even when he is upset life has to go on, we need to maintain basic activities, but there were times when we did not takk for days, ... It was extremely hard and i did not know what to think.
Time to time he would just go into this strange state...
There were times when he got strange and looked almost sick, pale, and he would argue about things that no one understood what it meant because it seemed to only have a meaning for him... there was a period of time when i do not know how we got through it, it was so hard... .and i did not understand any of it, only that i was the only one to blame for it according to him... .and that i tried everything i could not to upset him but it did not work.
The only thing that kept some hope that i saw a couple on the dr phil show on tv where the woman described something very similar to what i was going through :the constant threats of divorce  anger etc while the man said he loved her, and that dr phil was extremely cautious and kind and gentle with that man and offered him therapy which he accepted... This episode kept me hope that there is a solution. Sadly my hb completely refuses any therapy... .

[Harri]

Hi copycat.  Thanks for sharing more details.  It gets easier to post as you do more of it.   

What you describe sounds quite frustrating and hurtful.   I really struggle when people go silent on me. 

it was so hard... .and i did not understand any of it, only that i was the only one to blame for it according to him... .and that i tried everything i could not to upset him but it did not work.

That sort of behavior is confusing.  As for trying not to upset him, well, of course you don't want to and will try to change things to help the situation.  Often though, our pwBPD (people with BPD) will dysregulate anyway or what we think is the right thing to do to try to head of dysregulation actually reinforces the very behavior we are trying to avoid.

The good news is that we have tools you can learn about and use that can improve things for you.  Lots of very bad situations have improved.  Grated, it would be best if he recognized he has problems and got help but we can't control that.  All we can do is change and improve things at our end. 

How do you handle things like when he threatens divorce?  Or gets angry?