I Need to Talk to Someone Who Can Relate

[Parents! Get help here!]

  My teen daughter has a serious developing BPD and we have no family who cares. All of my friends have kids that are thriving so they are hard to talk to and I am wearing them out with my troubles. I try so hard every day and not many positive results. She is supposed to starting DBT group but we don't have the start date yet and it might be a few weeks out or even worse not until after the holidays and she will be 17. I have a hard enough time getting her to attend therapy that is in process. She is starting to become addicted to substances. We will be all alone for the holidays. Personal despair aside, I do have a question. If she can't be officially diagnosed until she is an adult, I won't be able to insist on her continuing therapy. How does that work? She has not demonstrated the will to get better. Every day she says she will use the tools she has to slow herself down and not make emotionally based decisions but every day she ends up in distress and causing drama and getting into some type of trouble. I just want to be able to talk to someone else who has experiences like this instead of hearing about how their kids are applying to colleges. She is failing every class.

[betterdays77]

  My teen daughter has a serious developing BPD and we have no family who cares. All of my friends have kids that are thriving so they are hard to talk to and I am wearing them out with my troubles. I try so hard every day and not many positive results. She is supposed to starting DBT group but we don't have the start date yet and it might be a few weeks out or even worse not until after the holidays and she will be 17. I have a hard enough time getting her to attend therapy that is in process. She is starting to become addicted to substances. We will be all alone for the holidays. Personal despair aside, I do have a question. If she can't be officially diagnosed until she is an adult, I won't be able to insist on her continuing therapy. How does that work? She has not demonstrated the will to get better. Every day she says she will use the tools she has to slow herself down and not make emotionally based decisions but every day she ends up in distress and causing drama and getting into some type of trouble. I just want to be able to talk to someone else who has experiences like this instead of hearing about how their kids are applying to colleges. She is failing every class.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Betterdays77!  Welcome.

I hope, as times goes by, that you will find you were lucky to hit upon this community.  All of what you write resonates with one person or another... .and you will hear from them. 

For me, I do remember crying on friends' shoulders.  Yep, it certainly is difficult sitting in a group and hearing of all the success or cutsey stories pertaining to their kids... .while you have none of those kind of stories to tell. 

The main thing that can happen with you here is that, once you start doing your research and getting support from others, you will feel more empowered and that will help you as you deal with your daughter's behaviours.

I will leave this here for now.  You are going to hear from others who are walking in similar shoes.  In turn, you are going to be able to let others know they are not alone.

Once again... .welcome Betterdays77.

Huat

[betterdays77]

Thank you for responding. I hope others will also respond. I titled my post that I really need to talk to someone who can relate, and I just got told up at the school by the resource officer and the mental health case worker that I really need to get support for myself as well. I'm trying... .I'm trying so hard. I really would like to know how the system works when you can't get a diagnosis until age 18 and why is that? Why should the legal age have anything to do with diagnosis. If it were more of a "when the brains stops forming" type age like 23 or something like that it would make more sense but why is it you must wait until the legal age to get a solid diagnosis for a personality disorder when it's already hard enough to convince my daughter to keep her therapy appointments. This is so difficult.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi BetterDays,

There are some doctors who will diagnose adolescents. In fact, McLean Hospital at Harvard has an adolescent unit. But unfortunately because of the stigma the diagnosis carries a lot of doctors are reticent to diagnose it.

There is a book I read when my daughter was younger called Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents that i found very helpful: Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents, 2nd Edition: What To Do When Your Teen Has BPD: A Complete Guide for Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592336493/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Ckj3BbEASXW53

I can really relate to what you're going through. We ended up letting our daughter try online school because the social environment was so stressful and distracting for her. She didn't really actually do anything but she did get her GED, which might be a route you want to look into. Our daughter passed the GED with basically no studying.   She too was failing every class.

I'm glad she'll be starting DBT. Our daughter unfortunately has refused any treatment and she is now 21. If she is able to take dbt seriously it will probably really help her. I think without a diagnosis you may still be able to insist she get treatment because I'm sure it's obvious to her that something is wrong. Several books about BPD describe it has having no emotional skin and being the equivalent of an emotional third degree burn victim. That is no way for anyone to live and I hope your daughter will be able to see that her emotional volatility is very stressful for her and reduces her quality of life.

Something else that I've heard people do is give the person they suspect has BPD a description of it and ask if they can relate to it.  Many people feel a lot of relief when they can identify and name the thing that is happening to them. You might want to look for a video or description written by someone who has BPD rather than a clinical description. I think it would be easier for her to relate to.

I hope you'll keep posting, we are here for you

[Hyacinth Bucket]

You may also want to check out: www.neaBPD.org/family-connections

[betterdays77]

Hyacinth Bucket - thank you! I'm very sorry to hear your daughter is not willing to go to therapy. That has to be really hard but clearly you are clear headed about it. I really appreciate the advice and I am going to try to find what you described... .a BPD sufferer describing their experience and the condition. I will also read the book. I am the only family she has who is willing to put towards the effort. I am the only one who can provide the care through my insurance at work. But I am having a hard time holding onto my job at this rate so things are getting very difficult. Thank you again for your help. I will let you know how it goes.