I asked if we should leave separate and the splitting season started

[Toad17]

Some background – living with uBPDw with D4. I have decided to move on. I'm taking legal and therapist help to sort things out. I have completed DBT, read books on BPD, Splitting. My number one goal is to protect my little one. uBPDw might fall into non-cooperative and non-dangerous category but I could be wrong on the danger part.

uBPDw is very good at projection and blames me for everything. Couple counseling didn’t work because she was pointed towards DBT and she went nuts hearing that.
I’m trying to figure out the best way to end the relationship so that my daughter is not sucked into the emotional blast (wife crying, yelling, etc. in front of my little one or even uprooting the whole family).

As she blames me for all her problems, at one point in our conversation, I ended up telling her – “what if I remove myself from the equation? Would that fix everything. How about we leave separate?”. Her splitting went on full force and the fear of abandonment triggered a nuke. We went in cycles and cycles and it all ended with lot of yelling and crying.
I need some advice on how folks leave the relationship? Do they just pack up and go or try to have some conversation? There is definitely not one size fit all rule. I used the tactics of BIFF, DEARMAN. Tried to focus on “I” versus “You”. She is so good in projection. She can break all type of invented DBT techniques. At one point, she started saying - it’s not about you. It’s about me. So stop talking about yourself and instead think about me. I had to again validate and start over.
I tried to talk about our daughter and she said she is a “3rd person”, don’t bring her into this. Wow! I wanted to have some converstation on what we do next, and if we should consider leaving separate. The classic conflict drama continued and nobody won. In the end, I was labelled as the one with tons of issues and I was asked to take LOT OF HELP!

If I have to rip the bandage off, I’ll take that route but I want to know if there is something I should try before going cold turkey. Really appreciate any help or advice. Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Toad17,

i moved your thread so that if you are leaving, you can minimize the damage and have a smoother landing, even if your wife is not cooperative.

first, its good that youve enlisted legal and therapeutic help. what are your lawyer and therapist advising?

the tools are often a way that we avoid making matters worse. you cant validate away someones anger, for example. but its good to avoid being invalidating, because its like gas on a fire.

in the meantime, we have a PDF here id encourage you to read that talks about minimizing the damage should you choose to leave: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0

a lot of the advice pertains to not being drawn into conflict, not engaging emotionally, and gradually withdrawing. do you see anything in there that might help?

[Radcliff]

Can you give us some more background?  How long have you been married?  How long have you been together?  What led you to start DBT yourself?  How long has it been since the two of you started getting help and you started learning about BPD?

RC

[Toad17]

Thank you RC and OR. The PDF is great. It validated some of the things I'm already doing - emotional withdrawal and just being “dumb and numb”.

Can you give us some more background?  How long have you been married?  How long have you been together?  What led you to start DBT yourself?  How long has it been since the two of you started getting help and you started learning about BPD?

I have been married for 6.5 years, lived together for 2 years before marriage. My MIL has severe BPD and I found out about BPD when I approached a psychiatrist when her symptoms were off the chart. He said “her symptoms are text book definitions of BPD”. This was 5 years ago. After kid, my wife started having more recurrent episodes of conflicts. She had similar behavioral issues as her mom but not that severe. I then started reading books and started taking professional help. I was very relieved to hear that it was not “me” triggering all the problems. I attended DBT “significant other” group where they teach skills on how to address when your loved one has emotional distress. I only completed two modules because I wanted my wife to take them and was hoping we both could do it together. My wife doesn’t want to take any treatment or want to acknowledge that there is a problem, which is the main reason I have decided to leave the relationship. My L asked me to document anything important and asked to talk to immigration experts, just in case if she uproots and goes back to our home country (we are not US citizens but our daughter is). T is helping to navigate but there is not much we can do to make my wife take DBT. I’m trying to figure out how to leave.

Some follow up questions after reading the PDF –
1.   Any tips on how to effectively withdraw emotionally, while living together, without triggering conflicts?
2.   When you are emotionally attached and available to children and friends/family, how to manage withdrawal in group setting? Any tips there?
3.   Any time period on the withdrawal phase before moving to the actual physical departure?
4.   I’m still looking for any tips on physical departure, and any strategies to follow during the physical exit plan.

I still have lot of FOG that I’m dealing with, because it’s 10 year relationship with lot of memories built over these years – good and bad. I really appreciate all the help from the group. You guys are amazing!

[Radcliff]

As long as you are living with her, you are not likely to be able to withdraw from the relationship.  And your lawyer will likely advise you not to leave the home until you have a custody settlement for your daughter.  For more discussion of legal issues, I'd suggest that you start a thread on the Family Law board.

Since you are still in the relationship and living together, practicing the coping tools is still worthwhile, and will continue to be important even if you're coparenting after a split.  It sounds like you've done some work understanding family coping tools.  What things have been most useful for you in real life?

RC

[once removed]

Some follow up questions after reading the PDF –
1.   Any tips on how to effectively withdraw emotionally, while living together, without triggering conflicts?

im in complete agreement with Radcliff that the Law board will serve you well regarding the logistics, not just now, but throughout the process and even after.

the tools can help you avoid and defuse conflict, to some extent. for example, think less in terms of "how can i validate this person that is yelling at me (or worse)" and more in terms of "how can i avoid being invalidating and walking into a landmine".

have a place to go, when things are at their worst. do you have friends or family you are able to stay with, or drop by?

keep your withdrawal gradual. people with this disorder are hypersensitive to signs of perceived/impending abandonment, and it sounds like your wife is already anticipating it on some level.

[Toad17]

As long as you are living with her, you are not likely to be able to withdraw from the relationship.  And your lawyer will likely advise you not to leave the home until you have a custody settlement for your daughter. 

Thanks RC. L has asked me to put legal order in place and serve the custody plan within a week I leave the marital home, but not to wait for the settlement to finalize, because that can take more than 3 months.
Once Removed, you are correct. I'm having difficulty withdrawing because we are living together. It's hard to plan exit strategies and at the same time plan day trips, lunch and dinner invites with friends. It's like living a dual life. Looks like my FOG level is super high right now!

[once removed]

serve the custody plan within a week I leave the marital home,

do you have a place to go?

[Toad17]

do you have a place to go?

Yes, I have a family member. But I also plan to rent a place when I move out.

[once removed]

it sounds like a solid plan, Toad17. i hope youll keep us posted on any updates, or any stuff that happens in between.

[Toad17]

it sounds like a solid plan, Toad17. i hope youll keep us posted on any updates, or any stuff that happens in between.

Thanks Once Removed. I'm so glad to have this support group to share our problems and get help.