My mother is hurting my body

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother is hurting me.  She has always hurt me emotionally but this is the worst.  I am getting shooting pains in my chest and down my arms.  I have had constant anxiety/panic attacks during the whole month of october.  Her and my father started going through marital problems.  Affairs came up along with many other issues.  My mom needs me cause I am the only one she can talk to.  As she shared with me day after day it became clear that her stories were not matching.  There were gaps.  The stress of thier problems started to take a toll on me.  The stress of the problems, possibly divorcing after 45 years, her sharing intimate details about thier intimacy problems, etc... .I love them both and thier choice to divorce is thiers to make.  But the recent events sparked some issues for me that has brought up decades of abuse. 

In 7th grade I was very upset with her because of something she said.  It was so hurtful that I gave her christmas gift to the cafeteria lady that I worked for and I stopped hugging her.  I have literally not hugged her since.  I am now 44.  I purposly held back "some" affection from my now 21-year-old daughter once she got into jr high because I was affraid that she would do the same thing to me and I did not want to be hurt. I will give her affection when she initiates a hug or kiss otherwise I try not to initiate.

I am having a really hard time recalling all of the things she has done.  I have done a pretty good job of blocking it all out.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a long time ago, and I know when she is cycling.  She is extremely obsessive-compulsive and manipulative.  She lies a lot and greatly embellishes stories. 

When I was in high school I was not allowed to hang out with fat girls because boys would not look at me.  She always told me that I needed to hold in my stomach so I would not look fat.  She always made remarks about me getting fat.  I was forced to clean my plate.  Now I have body image issues. 

I was not allowed to be independent, move out.  She would break both my legs if I moved out.  She always created doubt when talking to me.

She snooped through my room, opened my mail, had to know every step I made

I felt guilty for my own feelings and decisions. 

She never told me that I was ugly but always judged me and followed it up with what would people say?  She was always concerned with how I looked, behaved and talked.  Presenting a perfect family was important because she didn't want people to judge an imperfect family.  If I was fat or mismatched or had no makeup, what would people say. 

When she turned 40, I planned a surprise birthday.  She found out and purposely showed up 2 hours late.  She swears to this day that it was someone else's fault when it was not.  When I turned 30 she selfishly planned my 30th birthday to fit the needs of others around me.  It was nothing that I wanted and I cried at the end of the night. 

She put herself in the middle of my friendships and would often call my friends.  She was controlling.  She made all the decisions to make her look good.  My first wedding was supposed to be what I wanted.  It was what she wanted and I was told no too many things because it was her money and she would do what she wanted. 

She told me on the phone that her children should buy pizza for her anniversary to celebrate her marriage because its hard to be married for a long time and without them, we would not exist.

I made plans to trick or treat with my sister and our children.  My mother told my sister that I lied to her and that I was going to trick or treat with her.  She said this so my sister would change her plans and go to her, which would mean that I needed to do the same.  It caused an argument and hurt feelings.  She still says I was lying.

Mother Gothel from Tangled is a pretty good representation of my mother.  She has made so many of the same statements that are in the song mother knows best. 

Deep down inside she truly does not believe that she has done anything wrong.  She really does think that she is making the best choices.  So I am deeply guilty for my feelings and I feel compelled to take her calls and endure the constant abuse.  As of today, I am not speaking with her, I have a therapy appt on Tuesday and I still feel bad that I am not taking her calls.  I saw her yesterday and for the first time the look of her disgusted me.  I have never felt this way. 

I am having a hard time accepting that she is being emotionally abusive.  I feel like it is my fault for misunderstanding her. 

[samthedancer]

My mother is hurting me.  She has always hurt me emotionally but this is the worst.  I am getting shooting pains in my chest and down my arms.  I have had constant anxiety/panic attacks during the whole month of october.  Her and my father started going through marital problems.  Affairs came up along with many other issues.  My mom needs me cause I am the only one she can talk to.  As she shared with me day after day it became clear that her stories were not matching.  There were gaps.  The stress of thier problems started to take a toll on me.  The stress of the problems, possibly divorcing after 45 years, her sharing intimate details about thier intimacy problems, etc... .I love them both and thier choice to divorce is thiers to make.  But the recent events sparked some issues for me that has brought up decades of abuse. 

In 7th grade I was very upset with her because of something she said.  It was so hurtful that I gave her christmas gift to the cafeteria lady that I worked for and I stopped hugging her.  I have literally not hugged her since.  I am now 44.  I purposly held back "some" affection from my now 21-year-old daughter once she got into jr high because I was affraid that she would do the same thing to me and I did not want to be hurt. I will give her affection when she initiates a hug or kiss otherwise I try not to initiate.

I am having a really hard time recalling all of the things she has done.  I have done a pretty good job of blocking it all out.  She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a long time ago, and I know when she is cycling.  She is extremely obsessive-compulsive and manipulative.  She lies a lot and greatly embellishes stories. 

When I was in high school I was not allowed to hang out with fat girls because boys would not look at me.  She always told me that I needed to hold in my stomach so I would not look fat.  She always made remarks about me getting fat.  I was forced to clean my plate.  Now I have body image issues. 

I was not allowed to be independent, move out.  She would break both my legs if I moved out.  She always created doubt when talking to me.

She snooped through my room, opened my mail, had to know every step I made

I felt guilty for my own feelings and decisions. 

She never told me that I was ugly but always judged me and followed it up with what would people say?  She was always concerned with how I looked, behaved and talked.  Presenting a perfect family was important because she didn't want people to judge an imperfect family.  If I was fat or mismatched or had no makeup, what would people say. 

When she turned 40, I planned a surprise birthday.  She found out and purposely showed up 2 hours late.  She swears to this day that it was someone else's fault when it was not.  When I turned 30 she selfishly planned my 30th birthday to fit the needs of others around me.  It was nothing that I wanted and I cried at the end of the night. 

She put herself in the middle of my friendships and would often call my friends.  She was controlling.  She made all the decisions to make her look good.  My first wedding was supposed to be what I wanted.  It was what she wanted and I was told no too many things because it was her money and she would do what she wanted. 

She told me on the phone that her children should buy pizza for her anniversary to celebrate her marriage because its hard to be married for a long time and without them, we would not exist.

I made plans to trick or treat with my sister and our children.  My mother told my sister that I lied to her and that I was going to trick or treat with her.  She said this so my sister would change her plans and go to her, which would mean that I needed to do the same.  It caused an argument and hurt feelings.  She still says I was lying.

Mother Gothel from Tangled is a pretty good representation of my mother.  She has made so many of the same statements that are in the song mother knows best. 

Deep down inside she truly does not believe that she has done anything wrong.  She really does think that she is making the best choices.  So I am deeply guilty for my feelings and I feel compelled to take her calls and endure the constant abuse.  As of today, I am not speaking with her, I have a therapy appt on Tuesday and I still feel bad that I am not taking her calls.  I saw her yesterday and for the first time the look of her disgusted me.  I have never felt this way. 

I am having a hard time accepting that she is being emotionally abusive.  I feel like it is my fault for misunderstanding her. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  We get it here and as painful as what you described is, you are not alone. 

Panic attacks can be the worst and many of us have or are still dealing with them.  How long have they been going on?  You mentioned you will be going to therapy.  That is good and I think will help in the long run.  How long have you been going?  I have a T but have not gone in a while and I am also on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety med that helps quite a bit.

It is hard to recognize emotional abuse especially when it has become our norm.  I found it the hardest of all to deal with and I am still uncovering areas where the damage has seeped in and distorted things, mainly how I view myself.  I will say that working on recovery is the hardest thing I have ever done and I still fight it sometimes, but to go with a cliche, sticking with it is the best choice I have ever made.

I am glad you found us as we can help support and guide you as you make your own way through recovery.  Is there any one specific thing you would like to work on?  Have you tried boundaries with your mother? 
Ever said, Mom please, I care about you but it is very hard for me to hear about the intimate details of your marriage and I need you to please stop talking to me about it (or something like that)?

Panda, another member here, recently said that boundaries can be as big or as small as you want to make them.  It could involve saying, sorry, I have to go someone is at the door to end a conversation or something more direct like I said above. 

Regardless we can help you.  You are not alone any more and we get it here.  Welcome.

[Panda39]

Hi samthedancer,

I'd like to join Harri and welcome you to the BPD Family    I'm sorry to hear you are struggling you have a lot going on from both the past and present.  But you have come to a great place for support, information, tools and just a place to vent when you need to.  We all understand, we all have someone with BPD/BPD Traits in our lives.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  I'm concern about your anxiety level getting a professional involved could help.  You might also consider getting a physical to make sure you don't have a medical issue at play here too.  You need to take care of you  

I purposely held back "some" affection from my now 21-year-old daughter once she got into jr high because I was afraid that she would do the same thing to me and I did not want to be hurt. I will give her affection when she initiates a hug or kiss otherwise I try not to initiate.

What is your relationship like with your daughter now?  One of the first things I learned here is that we control what we feel, do, believe etc.  It is your choice how you treat your daughter.  You can choose to not show physical affection, not all people do or you can choose to because that is what you want to do.  You control the decision about how you act towards your daughter.  And just because you decided not to show physical affection in the past does not mean that you can't change that now. This is not set in stone.  

samthedancer, you have been through a lot, a lot of abuse and dysfunction .  But you can see it!  That awareness is huge, because you can't change/fix something you can't see.  

Again welcome, I'm glad you've joined us.

Panda39

[samthedancer]

Thank you both for responding.  It was a much better weekend.  The panic attacks have slowed down and there were many times where I felt stronger and normal .  My therapy appointment is tomorrow.  I am not taking my mother's phone calls. I am fighting the guilt right now.  I feel like a horrible daughter, how could I ignore her.  :-(

I have boundaries but they go away because I feel like I have to be there for her.  She catches me off guard.  She words things very carefully which ultimately gives her what she wants and my boundaries are gone. 

The relationship with my daughter now is great.  She has been subjected to my mother also, so she knows what is going on.  I think that's all for now.  Thank you both for the feedback.

[Harri]

Hi.  Is it okay if I call you Sam?

I'm glad to hear that the panic attacks are slowing down and you are feeling better.  Are you excited about therapy tomorrow? 

I am fighting the guilt right now.  I feel like a horrible daughter, how could I ignore her.

Let's change this up a bit.  Feelings are temporary, even guilt, and feelings just are.  They do not define us and we do not have to act on them.  If you don't fight it, and rather sit and recognize it without judging and just wait and over time and with practice, unwarranted guilt will lessen.  It is not your job to take care or, be available 24/7, or be your mom's punching bag. 

As for feeling like a horrible daughter?  Do not let the expectations and needs of a disordered person define you.

Let us know how you make out in therapy.   

[Panda39]

Hi Sam,

I wanted to share information on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail, when you talk about her wording things carefully so that she gets what she wants sounds like FOG to me.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I think it helps when you can recognize the FOG and see it for what it is, to take things less personally and better maintain those boundaries.  Next time you are feeling pressured by her, try to remember FOG.

Glad you're getting that Therapy appointment in, you've had a tough few days.

Take Care,
Panda39