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Author Topic: Do you have advice to help divorce cases in uk?  (Read 396 times)
Devonlady

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: November 02, 2018, 06:00:28 PM »

Hello.  I recently filed for divorce after nearly 30 years together with my spouse. We have three sons, 13, 15,17.  The last four/five years have been very difficult with my husband's rages increasing in intensity and frequency.  He has asked/threatened divorce numerous times until he finally left again a year ago.  He once again, in a time of clarity said he was going to sort himself out however it has not happened.  I managed the situation with him visiting until around may this year but his actions and persona have once again changed to an extent that it has very much impacted on my sons relationship with him.  I decided that I finally had no other choice than to try and save what little we have and begin legal closure.  Would anyone have any advice about 'no cost!' Assistance for divorce in England and counselling advice please?
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SES
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 332


« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2018, 06:36:41 PM »

In light of his rages, you could seek support from Women's Aid. A Women's Aid group near me (London) runs a weekly drop in with a lawyer and Police present to offer advice. (They also sometimes support men)
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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2018, 07:10:56 PM »

Hi Devonlady,

I'd like to join SES and welcome you to the BPD Family.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm sorry you find yourself ending your marriage it's not an easy thing to do in the best case scenario. I'm divorced too and know that we sometimes just get to the place where we can't do it any more. 

What has been going on between your husband and sons?  Have you told the boys of your decision?  How are you doing?  Don't forget to take care of you.

I'm in the US so I'm not sure about the British legal system and how it works, but I would imagine the goals are similar to those here in the US.  When children/custody is involved it's about what is in the best interest of the children.
 
What is the outcome you wish to have in the end?  Custody in particular, but also do you own a home, child support, spousal support? Just trying to get an idea of your goals.

There is a book that I'd like to suggest you read, it is based on the American Legal System but like I said above the goals in a divorce here and in the UK are going to be the same.  There are strategies in this book that can help you understand and build your case.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

We do have UK members so please keep checking back for additional responses.  I'm glad you've found us there is much support to be had here.

Take Care,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Devonlady

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2018, 09:10:00 PM »

Thank you so much for replies at this late hour.
I sought advice from local police early last year and although they were lovely, it meant pressing charges and I was not willing to do that as I believed, at that time! that I had kept it hidden mainly from my sons. Their father was very good at finding times without others around for venting abuse.  I also knew that it would antagonise him.  He found out anyway and the accusations and lies he shared with others of his perception of his awful life got ever more dramatic.
He has left our home and life has been calmer for us all until recently.  My sons know I have recently filed for divorce.  I have learnt and am learning to not make reasons or excuses for their father's behaviour anymore.  Unfortunately in the past I found it easier!... (tried to understand and rationalise his actions) to not speak about it.  The verbal abuse was just too unbelievable and embarrassing! to admit that the person who you have loved for so long could say.  I realise I have been in a unhealthy place for some time and not protected my children as much as I naively beleived.
The latest issues have occurred seemingly since I decided to take my sons on a holiday.  My uBPDex! Was invited because my youngest asked if he was coming.  He then proceeded to make different excuses about not coming to his sons after promising them amazing adventures and let them down. We found out he had started a new relationship, went on holiday a week later with her and now has not communicated with his sons for over two months.  I don't think anyone would believe the other things he has done or said and it's difficult to even admit that he has chose, through his shame at his own actions to not contact them.
He has not/Will not contribute to their welfare but I'm used to him withholding funds for basics when he was living with us.
My sons have 'checked' asked me 'you aren't taking him back ever are you mum'... .however I know they can't understand why their father has turned into a totally different person with different values and ideas.
Thank you for the book suggestion. 


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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2018, 12:26:45 PM »

Hi Devonlady,

Know that your stories will be believed here, we know because we have all experienced something very similar.  

I'm here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters.  They and my relationship with them is one story.

But I was also in a co-dependent marriage with an alcoholic, so I very much relate to "normalizing" things that aren't normal.  It starts small, and you think that was a one time behavior... .okay I'll let it go and then it just continues to grow and you continue to look the other way, or to deal with it yourself, or just take it, until you are eventually in a dysfunctional relationship and you don't know how you got there. All this while you wait for them to change, to see the pain and dysfunction and stop what they are doing.  

They are not the only part of the dysfunction we are too... .it takes two to tango... .our intentions are good, we value our marriage vows, we think we can fix them, we want to keep our family together.  So we stay, but why else do we stay?  Why do we accept this kind of dysfunction?  What is missing in us?  Understanding this is what will keep us from repeating the pattern.

I realise I have been in a unhealthy place for some time and not protected my children as much as I naively beleived.

It took me leaving my marriage to realize this too.  I thought if I kept my ex's drunken rages/verbal abuse directed at me that my son was okay.  We forget that they witness it all, they live in the same dysfunctional household with all of the dysfunctional behaviors.

My son is now 25 and has never touched a drop of alcohol. He knows that he has a genetic predisposition for alcoholism, and he learned the sad effects of drinking from his father.  So he doesn't model his father's behaviors which is good, but the question then becomes what did he learn from me? I modeled co-dependence during my marriage, but in leaving I modeled something else.  You too are showing your sons a better way, a healthier way.

You might consider getting your boys into therapy if you can, if your experience is like mine things might surface in your sons that they need help with and it would be a good place for them to talk with a outside person about how they are feeling in terms of the divorce.  

My son developed social anxiety... .as things got worse with his father my son's role was to be under the radar he withdrew and you certainly can't invite friends over when you have drunk dad. He signed himself up for therapy and found it really helpful.

Below it a link to Lessons related to divorce & coparenting, there is a lot of information, take from it what you find helpful... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

Panda39

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Feeling Better
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 742


« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2018, 05:56:20 PM »

Hello Devonlady

Although I’ve not been divorced, I do live in the UK and the first thought that crossed my mind was Citizens Advice, I know that they provide help with all kinds of problems, they might be worth a call.

As to counselling, this is available through the NHS, you can either be referred by your GP or you can self refer. You are entitled to up to 12 weeks of therapy free of charge (although this might be dependent on where you live, I live in central England and this is available in my area). There is likely to be a waiting list, up to six weeks where I live.

I want to say how sorry I am to hear of what you have been/are going through.

I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful with the questions you asked but I do wish you luck x 
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
wendydarling
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2018, 09:25:30 AM »

Hi Devonlady

I am also in the UK and while no experience of divorce like Feeling Better, I'm here with others to provide you support.

I found this, you can search for a free legal advice clinic https://www.lawworks.org.uk/legal-advice-individuals/find-legal-advice-clinic-near-you on the LawWorks website. The charity's website also has information on other organisations that might help you.

The big old question is are you entitled, fit the criteria to free legal advice, legal aid. What's your husbands view towards the divorce, do you think he'll be obstructive, he's not contributing financially?

How did you file, via a solicitor?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Devonlady

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2018, 06:28:29 PM »

Excerpt
Know that your stories will be believed here, we know because we have all experienced something very similar.
Thank you.  Over the last five years or so, I have read and viewed other peoples experiences with their loved ones whilst trying to find some valid explanation for my uBPDxh actions.  Like many, I found other peoples experiences far too similar to my own, which I initially found troubling and hard to reconcile.
I thank you for your trouble to reply about 'normalising'.  It was only when I felt particularly down that I told a close friend about how my husband had got very angry the previous evening and told me he 'would kick my head in if I tried to stop him' (doing something)'... .was a useless lazy c*** and mother... .always had hated me... .ruined his life... .blah blah.  It wasn't even a particularly long or 'bad' rage for me to endure but I guess I needed to talk.  I believe it was the blah, blah that was shocking for her, and therefore for me to see her reaction. She is a friend first, though a trained counsellor, and she expressed her concern. It was the start of accepting how long I had allowed this behaviour to be part of my life.  I have become adept at validation and 'walking on eggshells' and accept that I am in some way co-dependent etc.
Excerpt
You might consider getting your boys into therapy if you can, if your experience is like mine things might surface in your sons that they need help with and it would be a good place for them to talk with a outside person about how they are feeling in terms of the divorce. 
Thank you again.  Over the years my husband has 'sometimes' accepted that he has 'issues' and sought counselling. Over the years my husband has 'mainly' come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with him and has been extremely outspoken and dismissive of counselling (as its my fault).

Excerpt
My son developed social anxiety... .as things got worse with his father my son's role was to be under the radar
My eldest son has seen far too much this year through having more contact with his father (because he is more independent and was able to take himself to see him).  Over the last few months he has opened up more about what he has seen and heard from his father.  For a son to hear how a father vilifies his mother is one thing, to worry about his father leaving the country or committing suicide is another, but to be faced with the same mind games demeaning his own opinion is the most upsetting thing for me to hear. (I have normalised! it he has not).  He suffers from anxiety. I was very aware that my sons attitude towards me was getting more angry and distant.  I have been fortunate enough, through us slowly talking, that he has chose to speak to a counsellor in college.
His younger brothers have been able to maintain more of a distance due to their father choosing to contact them less and less (which causes problems but less 'drama' for them to face) and I have been more open with their schools due to 'low lying' problems arising in their education.
Thank you for the link.  My children do need the knowledge to protect themselves in the future if their father continues to choose not to help himself.

Thank you feelingbetter and wendydarling.  I have been to, and will go again, to the citizens advice, who are very helpful.  Unfortunately even to divorce you need some funding and there is no legal aid assistance, except maybe for mediation.  I have no savings and no he hasn't paid any maintenance as he is 'not working' 'setting up a million pound enterprise' 'homeless' 'not giving me any money to go off spending on myself' etc.  We have a house, with a large interest only mortgage which I've managed to keep going for the past year.  I'm employed part-time and take care of my boys.
I have managed to get a free half hours advice with a solicitor and filed for divorce on-line.  It appears I have researched enough to know the procedure.
I have sent him a divorce proposal for a 'consent order' but he has not replied.

I had to go down to his 'office' seven weeks or so ago to face him after he had caused our youngest child problems at school.  My eldest son had already gone and faced him about the issue (of his own accord - bless him) and had left very upset through the confrontation. I was told by my uBPDh that he never wished to speak with me again, that I had called him mentally ill, that I had always wanted full custody and a solictors letter would be in the post.  I had asked him if we could please have or arrange a talk about our children. 
Of course I wished to say that the first statement was 'nonsensical' unless he didn't wish to attend any of our childrens future events, the second was taken completely out of context, the third was a total and utter fabrication (I have always believed in 50/50 split but anyway our children are older and have a say) and the solicitors letter didn't happen.  I near pleaded with him to communicate about our sons but his hands were held up in front of him and so I walked calmly away.  I was so nervous before I went to face him, when I had a right to be furious and outraged at his actions.  All these years during his rages I only felt frightened a few times, yet maybe distance, and not quite knowing which persona he has recently taken on has made me nervous.  Sad isn't it!



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