Know that your stories will be believed here, we know because we have all experienced something very similar.
Thank you. Over the last five years or so, I have read and viewed other peoples experiences with their loved ones whilst trying to find some valid explanation for my uBPDxh actions. Like many, I found other peoples experiences far too similar to my own, which I initially found troubling and hard to reconcile.
I thank you for your trouble to reply about 'normalising'. It was only when I felt particularly down that I told a close friend about how my husband had got very angry the previous evening and told me he 'would kick my head in if I tried to stop him' (doing something)'... .was a useless lazy c*** and mother... .always had hated me... .ruined his life... .blah blah. It wasn't even a particularly long or 'bad' rage for me to endure but I guess I needed to talk. I believe it was the blah, blah that was shocking for her, and therefore for me to see her reaction. She is a friend first, though a trained counsellor, and she expressed her concern. It was the start of accepting how long I had allowed this behaviour to be part of my life. I have become adept at validation and 'walking on eggshells' and accept that I am in some way co-dependent etc.
You might consider getting your boys into therapy if you can, if your experience is like mine things might surface in your sons that they need help with and it would be a good place for them to talk with a outside person about how they are feeling in terms of the divorce.
Thank you again. Over the years my husband has 'sometimes' accepted that he has 'issues' and sought counselling. Over the years my husband has 'mainly' come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with him and has been extremely outspoken and dismissive of counselling (as its my fault).
My son developed social anxiety... .as things got worse with his father my son's role was to be under the radar
My eldest son has seen far too much this year through having more contact with his father (because he is more independent and was able to take himself to see him). Over the last few months he has opened up more about what he has seen and heard from his father. For a son to hear how a father vilifies his mother is one thing, to worry about his father leaving the country or committing suicide is another, but to be faced with the same mind games demeaning his own opinion is the most upsetting thing for me to hear. (I have normalised! it he has not). He suffers from anxiety. I was very aware that my sons attitude towards me was getting more angry and distant. I have been fortunate enough, through us slowly talking, that he has chose to speak to a counsellor in college.
His younger brothers have been able to maintain more of a distance due to their father choosing to contact them less and less (which causes problems but less 'drama' for them to face) and I have been more open with their schools due to 'low lying' problems arising in their education.
Thank you for the link. My children do need the knowledge to protect themselves in the future if their father continues to choose not to help himself.
Thank you
feelingbetter and
wendydarling. I have been to, and will go again, to the citizens advice, who are very helpful. Unfortunately even to divorce you need some funding and there is no legal aid assistance, except maybe for mediation. I have no savings and no he hasn't paid any maintenance as he is 'not working' 'setting up a million pound enterprise' 'homeless' 'not giving me any money to go off spending on myself' etc. We have a house, with a large interest only mortgage which I've managed to keep going for the past year. I'm employed part-time and take care of my boys.
I have managed to get a free half hours advice with a solicitor and filed for divorce on-line. It appears I have researched enough to know the procedure.
I have sent him a divorce proposal for a 'consent order' but he has not replied.
I had to go down to his 'office' seven weeks or so ago to face him after he had caused our youngest child problems at school. My eldest son had already gone and faced him about the issue (of his own accord - bless him) and had left very upset through the confrontation. I was told by my uBPDh that he never wished to speak with me again, that I had called him mentally ill, that I had always wanted full custody and a solictors letter would be in the post. I had asked him if we could please have or arrange a talk about our children.
Of course I wished to say that the first statement was 'nonsensical' unless he didn't wish to attend any of our childrens future events, the second was taken completely out of context, the third was a total and utter fabrication (I have always believed in 50/50 split but anyway our children are older and have a say) and the solicitors letter didn't happen. I near pleaded with him to communicate about our sons but his hands were held up in front of him and so I walked calmly away. I was so nervous before I went to face him, when I had a right to be furious and outraged at his actions. All these years during his rages I only felt frightened a few times, yet maybe distance, and not quite knowing which persona he has recently taken on has made me nervous. Sad isn't it!
