My NC decision affect on my son

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 20 months of no contact with my uBPDsis, I have made progress in understanding that this is extinction burst, that I can’t give into FOG and that unless I stick to this, nothing will change (and the way it was isn’t an option for me).  However, my 12-year-old son, who is very close to her, doesn’t understand what is happening and only understands he hasn’t seen her. And whose fault do you think that is in his eyes…mine! He doesn’t understand that she has made no effort to reach out to him and doesn’t appear to mourn their relationship.  I think he sees me as the person who used to facilitate visits and now I am not, so I am the one whose action/inaction is causing his pain.

The truth is that if she called or wrote him, I wouldn’t interfere in that.  And, I have been very careful not to badmouth her in front of him (I wish I could trust she would do the same).  The only explanations I have given him is that “She is very angry with me” and “Her feelings for me are stronger than her feelings for you” (in my head it goes like this…”She hates me more than she loves you.”)

The longer this goes on, the more I fear he will come to resent me.  Does anyone have any advice or experience with this dynamic?

[LeneLu]

After 20 months of no contact with my uBPDsis, I have made progress in understanding that this is extinction burst, that I can’t give into FOG and that unless I stick to this, nothing will change (and the way it was isn’t an option for me).  However, my 12-year-old son, who is very close to her, doesn’t understand what is happening and only understands he hasn’t seen her. And whose fault do you think that is in his eyes…mine! He doesn’t understand that she has made no effort to reach out to him and doesn’t appear to mourn their relationship.  I think he sees me as the person who used to facilitate visits and now I am not, so I am the one whose action/inaction is causing his pain.

The truth is that if she called or wrote him, I wouldn’t interfere in that.  And, I have been very careful not to badmouth her in front of him (I wish I could trust she would do the same).  The only explanations I have given him is that “She is very angry with me” and “Her feelings for me are stronger than her feelings for you” (in my head it goes like this…”She hates me more than she loves you.”)

The longer this goes on, the more I fear he will come to resent me.  Does anyone have any advice or experience with this dynamic?

[yamada]

My concern is that just by the thought of her she is creating division. Ask him if he has ever experienced anything so bad that the doesnt want the person around. And that sometime you have to make tough decision and they are never easy , but staying in that situtation is worse. my kids now understand how toxic my sister is because in the end she tried to spew her poison on them. And they had a great relationship with her.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lenelu, 

Yamada brought up a good point, that even the thought of your sister is creating division. That has got to be tough. I do like the idea though, of having your son help work through the thinking process. Is there an example you can give of a parallel story in which none of you are the main characters? I suggest that in order to help you to step away from the emotional connection and to look at the facts rather than the feelings. If he is 12, he is a good age to be asking questions as well as to be able to process them.

What do you think?

Wools