Looking to connect with other grandparents, how are you dealing with the grief?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello:
 Looking to connect with other members whose adult children with BPD are preventing them from contact with grandchildren. How are you dealing with the grief?

Thanks
Lavenderfields

[Lavenderfields]

Hello:
 Looking to connect with other members whose adult children with BPD are preventing them from contact with grandchildren. How are you dealing with the grief?

Thanks
Lavenderfields

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Lavenderfields

Welcome to the family. I'm glad you've joined us and sorry to hear you're being prevented contact with your grandchildren, is just the worst thing.  How long since you saw them, was there something that may have triggered this behaviour? There are grandparents in similar situation to you, they'll be along. Is anyone else being prevented contact?

WDx

[Only Human]

Hi Lavenderfields 

My 25-year-old BPD daughter has a four-year-old son and I've been cut out a couple of time since he was born. They have lived with me since April this year and I've recently given her 30 days notice so they'll be moving at the end of this month. She says she won't tell me where she's going, but it will be out of state, and that I will never see her or grandson (GS) again.

The last time she cut me out, GS was almost two and I didn't see either of them for three months. I would reach out to my daughter and she either wouldn't reply or would simply answer, "no" when I asked if I could see GS. It was heartwrenching.

What helped was for me to do things to take my mind off of the loss. I joined a sewing group which consisted of family and friends who met weekly. I then got myself a sewing machine and made stuff like pajama bottoms and potholders. I got a lot of enjoyment out of doing those things and found I wasn't crying every single day anymore.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Anything you've wanted to try but haven't?

How old is your daughter? The grandkids?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it can be 

~ OH

[Lavenderfields]

Hi, OH: My grandchildren are five, seven and nine and they used to live with me. My daughter has cut me off twice because she was mad, first time was seven months, now it is eight months. I had to call CAS and report her as her and her boyfriend were beating on each other. The children told my husband and I that they were afraid.

We are in the process of taking them to court for visits. We will see how it goes. If we don't get access then at least we can say we tried. We feel that the kids are in a very unhealthy situation. They were able to fool the Child Protective Workers so nothing happened so far as we know. I have had no contact, so can't be sure about what is going on these days. My guess is more of the same, drugs, drinking and fights.

I am very busy with other things, but I find that I still think about it a lot. I miss them terribly as we used to see them often.

Lavenderfields

[Only Human]

You have done all you can to help them, I also called CPS so I know how awful that is. I'm glad your grandchildren trusted you enough to tell you they are afraid. I'm glad you are pursuing a court order for access, I'm sure that's very stressful.

Have you had a chance to look around and read some of the tools here? I'm learning so much in my short time here and, although I'm in a funk at the moment, I'm more hopeful about my own peace of mind than I have been in a long time.

There's a lot of talk about "self-care" here and I always thought that was silly - - "take a bubble bath!" How can I take care of myself when everyone else needs my care? So, even though it may seem impossible at times, I'm really trying to practice self-care.

Thanks for sharing more of your story. I'm very interested in hearing about how court goes for you.

You've come to the right place for support, I'm glad you're here.

Hugs to you 

~ OH

[Panshekay]

Hi Lavenderfields,

Our S met a woman who had a 2 year old D.  We didn’t realize it in the beginning that she had BPD, she was diagnosed last year.  There were many red flags, but as they say... .love is blind. They were broken up when she became pregnant with our GS, then they got married. By then her D was 5.  We loved and treated this delightful child as our own. Once our GS was born she had convinced our son to move 180 miles away to a town that she had said she hated. The day they left, I cried for a week. I was very very close to our S and both children. Once they left we saw them I think 3 times in 3 years and that was only because we made the trip down to where they lived. It was so uncomfortable when we did go down that we dreaded the trips. It didn’t take long for her to alienate our S and G Children from us. Unless I called our S we didn’t hear from him. Every time we called he would talk for a few short seconds and say he had to go. This was heartbreaking for us.  I remember one time when or  GD said to me “my mom says you don’t love me because I’m not your “real” grandchild”. Ugh, she was 5.  I pulled her close and told her I loved her exactly the same as everyone else in our family, and that it made me very sad that her M had said that. Long story short, our XDIL was physically and emotionally abusive to our son. We had no idea. He finally figured things out and now they are divorced, not before X destroyed our relationship with our GD. The last time she came to visit us when she got home to her M house she and her M called the police and said I had physically hurt my GD. She was 9. I was so broken, that a mother could convince her D to lie to the police. The topper was our GD had fresh marks on her back and arm whereI had supposedly hurt her. I hadn’t been with our GD for 3 days when she got back to her moms, so M had made those marks. I have not seen our GD since that last time.  We haven’t any rights to see her here in our state, she isn’t our bio GD.  It’s sad, and frustrating and unbelievable. TG we are able to see our GS. I don’t have many answers for you but just know that you are not alone. What I started doing was reaching out to others who were going through this. Many become suicidal, I have become very close friends with a few. I also paint watercolor pictures for others going through a difficult time.  That has been a Godsend for me and the ones I paint for... .like the saying goes “who saved who”. I think they saved me.

[bluek9]

Hi Lavenderfields,

   Another grandparent here to support you and say I'm glad you are here with us. My perspective is very different from yours. I'm 60, my D is 36 and my (GS) JJ just turned 7. For the most part my D has always lived with me, she has lived on her own, that always ended badly. Then she had JJ, I was with her when he was born. Shortly after that she disappeared for 18 months, they have both been with me ever since. That brief period was the only time I've had to endure no contact, it was terrible. I have no answer for how to deal with the grief except for prayer.
  At the beginning of this year I took guardianship of JJ. My D knows she suffers mental illness, she knows she cannot take care of him. In Oregon grandparents cannot have custody, so I did the next best thing. This kind of situation is not for everybody, it's hard! I'm glad you did what you did to protect your gkids, and fight for your visitation rights. Sometimes when we sit back and have a quiet moment to think, it tears our hearts out, not only that our adult children suffer; but that our grandchildren suffer even more.
   Stay strong, stay here for support. Hold onto the thought that some day soon all of those kids will be able to connect with you again. I have found with my own D that the more consistent I stay, no matter what she does, she will always come back to me. I'm so very thankful to have the stamina to raise another child. Trust me I'm here often, this is my only support. 

[Huat]

Hello Lavenderfields

Here is yet another grandparent whose heart has been broken over the years because of the way grandchildren can be used as pawns.  Being separated from ours off/on over the years was the ultimate hurt our uBPD daughter could inflict.

I am well-advanced in age compared to so many here.  My grandchildren are now 26/28.  My husband and I were surrogate parents to them as drama swirled around their mother (our daughter) in their young years... .drama which included custody battles with each of their fathers.  Heartbreaking to watch them hurt!

As they entered their teens those little-loves-of-our-lives started to change in relation to their connection to us.  I remember well one of them saying to me... ."I don't like anyone who hurts my mother."   Today we have no contact with our daughter nor our grandchildren.  I will add, though, that they have no contact with either of their fathers, nor their families either.  Says a lot, huh?

Mind you, this time the no-contact is being held up by us.  Next we meet has to be in joint counselling.  When she asked me for yet more money (and we have given thousands) and my answer was no, she hurled verbal abuse that was above whatever she had said before.  So, at 75 if I hear that... .what happens when I am 76, 80, plus?

Yes, mine like yours, is a sad story.  Regrets?  Yes, I have them.  I regret not taking a stand sooner.  I regret always fearing I would make the wrong move which, in turn, could mean losing contact with my grandchildren.  I regret that I let myself be a victim for so long.

You see, it wasn't until I hit upon this website a short few years ago that I was able to start looking after... .me.  I, by nature, am a "comforter."  When I see someone who is in need, I reach out and try to help.  So, as I started to let my fingers fly across the keyboard, then read and re-read the words I wrote, I recognized that person who was writing needed help and I set out to do that.  One of the things I did do was to stop beating on myself.  I have many mantras and one of them is... ."I did the best I could and when I knew better I did better."

In reading your posts, Lavenderfields, I am encouraged when I read your words like... ."I am very busy with other things but I find I still think of them a lot."  To me, that sounds like you are much more grounded than I was.   My happiness (or lack of) depended on what was happening with my daughter/grandchildren.  Seems you, though, have been able to "compartmentalize"... .attend to and enjoy the other parts of your life.  The hurt of what is happening with your daughter and grandchildren will always be there.  How could it not as you are a loving Mom and a Grandmother who is grieving a loss?

I think it is so important for those who hit upon this site to read posts like yours and the posts of others who have responded to you.   It can be a comfort to know that one is not alone... .comforting to know that life does go on... .albeit not always the way it was planned.  It is best to accept the fact that all facets of life are filled with "detours."  Either we hit the brick wall and come to a dead stop... .or we turn and continue on.

Hope you turn out to be one of the regulars here, Lavenderfields.   As you get support and validation from others, you will feel more and more empowered as you reach out to help others.

Huat

[Ricandmax]

Im new here and not sure how to reply, so I hope this is right.  I am also older, I’m 70 my husband 74 and my daughter also uses her children as pawns.  This is the second time in five years that she disowned me and took my grandchildren over money.  This time because we won’t give her a down payment on a house. Her rental house had a mold problem and she lives in an area that is above her means.  She can’t find housing that she can afford there and refuses to send her children to a different school.  She is blaming me for them living in a toxic environment.  In the lasy year we have giving her close to 30,000 dollars. My husband and I were looking forward to retirement but I’m afraid to even tell her we went out to dinner as her retort is I though you had no money. The verbal abuse is awful.  I can so relate to your post as the is one thing I worry about, is this going to be my life at 80.  Always walking on eggshells.  Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown.  Started therapy again.  Like you I wish I took a stand sooner as my last therapist told me to do.  Thank you for your post, it did make me feel a little better

[Lavenderfields]

Hi, all: Thanks for your kind words of love and support. I am lso in an educational/ support group for families of those with BPD called Family Connections. It is put on by the Sashbear Foundation. My battery is low so I will add more later. It also helps that these are not my only grandkids.
Lavenderfields

[Lavenderfields]

Sometimes I am afraid that, by taking a stand, I would make things worse for my daughter and the kids, but, I need to know myself that I did everything that I could to protect the kids.  Also for my own self-esteem, as I have been badly broken down from 35 years of dealing with her antics.
Lavenderfields

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[abcdefg1]

Wow Lavenderfields I can sure relate to your pain. Our BPD DD cut off from us completely. IN the past year we have seen our grandkids a handful of times. She doesnt come for holidays anymore either. She is our only child and they are our only grandkids. She went from coming every other week (bc of her divorce) to not coming at all. She has a loser of a live in boyfriend with drug problems who moved in with them. When she has a BF she doesnt need us at all. She tells us grandparents are only for 'special occasions' but she used to let us have them for long periods, pick them up, and take them on trips, sleepovers, holidays... .When we do see them she hovers over us. She told everyone we are crazy, dangerous, etc and so many lies about us that she believes (which those ppl shared with us).WHo KNOWS what she is telling our poor confused grandkids? She also moved over 2 hours away to keep them from us.
 Our grandkids are HEARTBROKEN, as are we. The few times we can talk to them on the phone they cry how much they miss us and say how MOMMY doesnt want to come anymore and so they cant either (Since they went from total contact to this no-contact, they cant understand it!).
 The pain is unbearable. We tried to move on by creating our own happiness and live our own lives where we are, without them, but the grief and pain never go away. We have a great support system too, so that helps.
Personally I could not care less , nor could DH, if we ever see her again, but those kids are our heart and soul.
We also pray alot. God sees all, and we hope that one day our grandkids will find us on their own, and see her for the sick, twisted BPD person she is. We find much comfort in prayer and know God will help us get through this most difficult chapter.
We draw much strength from each other, too, and try to go away and spend much time together comforting each other. However the pain never really goes away.
I feel you and am sending you   . I wish you much strength to help get you through this difficult time.

[Lavenderfields]

Thanks so much, abc... .It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our pain and grief. Our grandkids live about 10 minutes away but they've been told to call police if they see us. They have been told all kinds of lies about us, none true. We had the best relationship with all three. We also took them away on trips etc. She has a boyfriend living with them who is a dangerous, violent, drug user and a narcissist. I am so afraid for those kids. Children's Aid did nothing. They said it was fine. They wouldn't listen to what I knew about him and her. I am hoping that it will matter to the judge. We probably will not get our hearing til next spring. By then it will be over a year since we've seen them.  Thank God I have 5 other grandkids to console myself with.
Lavenderfields

[Merlot]

Hi Lavender Fields

My heart goes out to you. I can really understand your pain as I walk in your shoes too.

My DD27 was diagnosed three years ago. She was in a long term on/off again relationship. Everytime there was a big blow up, she would cut and run. During one of these episodes she fell pregnant with my GD to someone else and ended moving interstate to be with us and have the baby. I cant tell how much we did for her. I realise I did too mich, rescuing her and destroying me in the process. She appreciated none of it and following a violent rage after being back 5 mins late from walking her dogs, she cut my husband and I out; packed her house up and went interstate without sayong goodbye.

I arrived here in crisis and
was welcomed with open arms. Parents have helped me talk through my grief. I have done much learning here and through other resources to help me recalibrate and prepare myself for if/when she reached out.  It has been very difficult but like Huat, Ive been learning that my happiness is independent of her. Just last month she contacted me via email. It has taken her nearly 12 months for her anger to subside and she wants to talk through things when Im next in my home town.

I will never agree with her reality but ive learned I can get past that and validate her views and feelings as being hers.  I miss my GD so mich, it hurts to think about but I know she is happy and safe and I take pleasure in now seeing pics of hee on FB.

Hang in there. I admire you for fighting for your grandchildren. This too much have its own challenges.

Thinking of you
Meryl

[Lavenderfields]

Merlot:
I have been moving towards a place of peace and acceptance where my daughter is concerned, indeed, my life has been much more peaceful without her. If I can be sure that her kids are happy and safe then I would leave them alone. Problem is, I suspect that, between her and her boyfriend, the kids are not safe and happy. That is why I want visits. I do appreciate all the support on these boards and also knowing that others are going through similar troubles. That means a lot.
Lavenderfields

[wendydarling]

Lavenderfields, weighing up all your options, seeking out the best possible advice and support the lessons here pinned to the top of the board are Family Connections. How's it going with Family Connections? Are you expecting the first step is to call you and your DD to mediation, I mention it as a parent earlier this year shared this. I'll go back see if I can find the parent's thread.

WDx

[Lavenderfields]

Mediation is not an option with her with her severe BPD and her narcissistic, violent boyfriend whipping her up against us. He has sent me nasty texts and threatened me. We are looking to negotiate with her ex, the children's father, who is actually more normal and would be, hopefully, more reasonable. If we can avoid the other side altogether, we'd rather. They are hell bent on bringing it to trial cause they want to be 'right'. We'll see. I'm taking it one day at a time. The Family Connections Programme is wonderful. I am learning so much, including how to handle this situation. I will explain some of it to my lawyer if he has to deal with her.
Lavenderfields

[bigfatmama60]

We have recent serious concerns about our grdtrs safety and well-being. So we are worried all the time we don’t need much to trigger a teary melt down. I am going to a counselor who has some background with bpd. My husband is tuffing it out.he has a lot of stress and hasn’t been feeling well and I’m worried about his health.we are seeing a lawyer

[Truesouthrrs]

 Luckily for me the ex husband will allow me to see two of my grandchildren when he has visitation.

I was with my grandchildren more than my daughter was, and recently due to a series of events where I put down my foot I am now the enemy and now longer needed.

After paying her custody and divorce, (due to my daughter cheating and having a baby with new man)
my daughter re-married and has a new mother in law who now does the kid raising.

I am so torn, but I pray, and I reach out all the time asking to see the kids. I will not stop even though so far no good results, I know God will help. DHR is also involved so that makes me feel better knowing there is oversite on the kids

I spoke with a laywer unfortunatley in my state there are no grandparent rights for visitation or otherwise..